


dont text and spar kids

by sprxng



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Group chat, M/M, Multi, i was bullied into posting this im sorry mother
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2020-08-19 18:02:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 87,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20213980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sprxng/pseuds/sprxng
Summary: girljs:women want her fish fear her*ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR:i fear hersay goodbye to your kneecaps asshole:what are you a fucking fish





	1. byleth's exclusive tea parties

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry mother
> 
> sexy owo - claude  
sexy uwu - hilda  
j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w< - leonie  
the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days - lorenz  
Marianne - marianne  
deathknightdestroyer69 - lysithea  
Moto Moto - raphael  
*cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand - ignatz
> 
> draco malfoy - dimitri  
Dedue - dedue  
haha just kidding... unless? - sylvain  
while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade - felix  
i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨ - ingrid  
oovoo javer - ashe  
🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏 - mercedes  
so basically, im babey - annette
> 
> Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe - edelgard  
💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖 - dorothea  
sleepy bitch disease - lindhardt  
say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole - caspar  
*ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR - ferdinand  
Jared, 19 - petra  
creeper - hubert  
I haven't seen the sun in 84 years - bernadetta
> 
> spill the tea kween - byleth

**[ Golden Deer Chatroom - ** **11:27 AM ]**

**sexy owo: **👉😎👉

**sexy uwu: **👈😎👈

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Sorry what the fuck are your names

**sexy owo: **we’re twinning

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **i could ask you the same thing what the fuck leonie

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **,

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Who changed my name to this

**sexy uwu: **HJASDFFBSDGHDFGSD

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **CLAUDE

**sexy uwu: **IM NOT CLAUDE IM HILDA

**sexy uwu: **i mean it was claude who changed ur name but

**sexy owo: **HILDA

**sexy uwu: **HAHSASDFGH IM SORRY

**sexy owo: **WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TWINNINg YOU CANT EXPOSE ME ITS AGAINST THE LAW

**sexy uwu: **IM SORYYYYY IT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN DONT LOCK ME UP OFFICER

**sexy owo: **ur forgiven our twinship is too strong to hold a grudge

**sexy uwu: **awwww bro…

**sexy owo: **bro……...

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **wait, why is my name this?

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **...claude.

**sexy owo: **i have the right to remain silent

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Someone take his admin rights away, literally what the fuck

**sexy owo: **please no theyre the only rights i have

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Then perish

**Marianne is online.**

**Marianne: **uum what is this?

**sexy uwu: **hey marianne

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Wait why does she get a normal name

**sexy owo: **im not a monster i wouldnt bully marianne

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Fair lmao

**Marianne: **,,thank you??

**sexy owo: **ur welcome :)

**sexy uwu: **wow anyone else in this house feeling threatened

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Yes

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **very.

**sexy owo: **:)

**deathknightdestroyer69 is online.**

**deathknightdestroyer69: **this name is ridiculous but I'll take it

**Marianne: **hhello, lysithea!

**sexy uwu: **sup

**sexy owo: **ok im tired of hellos lets get down to business

**sexy owo: **i have IMPORTANT NEWS

**deathknightdestroyer69: **shut the fuck up claude I literally just got here

**sexy owo: **huh is that how you treat your elders

**deathknightdestroyer: **I'm going to rip your throat out

**sexy uwu: **ladies ur both pretty

**sexy owo: **i agree im gorgeous thank you hilda

**sexy owo: **ANYWAYS

**sexy owo: **I HAVE IMPORTANT NEWS

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Did you finally get a tea party with byleth

**sexy owo: **not yet but its only a matter of time

**sexy uwu: **are byleths tea parties even real or do they only exist in legends no one knows

**Marianne: **ttheyre real!! i was invited once,,

**sexy uwu: **holy SHIT

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **god i wish that were me

**Marianne: **it was really nice!! byleth is a kind professor, and the tea was delicious,,!!

**deathknightdestroyer69: **aight stop flexing lol

**Marianne: **EE IM SORRY

**sexy uwu: **no marianne ur good she was joking

**deathknightdestroyer69: **yea I was don't worry

**Marianne: **ooh!! okay

**Marianne: **sorry

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **You don't need to apologize

**sexy owo: **GUYS LISTEN TO ME

**sexy owo: **it finally happened

**sexy owo: **finally…………….

**sexy uwu: **stop being cryptid and spit it out

**sexy owo: **i did the secret sign of the golden deer to dimitri and he copied it

**sexy uwu: **,

**Marianne: **oh !!!

**deathknightedestroyer69: **HOLY SHIT

**sexy uwu: **OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDD

**sexy uwu: **OH MY FUCKING GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

**sexy owo: **I KNOW RIGHT

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **finally…

**sexy uwu: **IFGUDJHFDNFDHGJF THE MADMAN ACTUALLY FUCKING DID IT

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **OH MY GOD

**sexy uwu: **WE'VE ASCENDED

**sexy owo: **WE MADE IT

**deathknightdestroyer69: **it's what we deserve

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **We've successfully infiltrated the blue lions who's next

**sexy owo: **everyone

**sexy owo: **first dimitri, then edelgard, then byleth herself

**sexy owo: **soon everyone will be spreading golden deer propaganda without even realising what they're doing. the absolute fools

**deathknightdestroyer69: **it's what we DESERVE

**sexy uwu: **we RLLY out here

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **okay, but you really think you can get edelgard to do it?

**sexy owo: **you overestimate her

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **perhaps.

**deathknightdestroyer69: **I'm more confused as to how he thinks he'll get byleth to do it

**sexy owo: **your lack of confidence wounds me

**sexy owo: **have faith in your leader, young one

**deathknightdestroyer69: **call me that again and I destroy you

**sexy owo: **noted

**sexy owo: **anyways yall you know what time it is

**sexy owo: ✋😎🤚**

**sexy uwu: ✋😎🤚**

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: ✋😎🤚**

**Marianne: ✋😎🤚**

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ✋😎🤚**

**deathknightdestroyer69: ✋😎🤚**

**Moto Moto is online.**

**Moto Moto: ✋😎🤚**

**sexy owo: **nice of you to join us raphael

**sexy uwu: **squad rolling in

**Moto Moto: **I cant miss out on the secret sing of the golden door :)

**sexy uwu: **secret sing

**deathknightdestroyer69: **golden door, that's us

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **The one and only

**sexy owo: **stop mocking him he's doing his best

**Marianne: **iaare you okay, raphael?? ;;

**Moto Moto: **Yes, very ! 

**Moto Moto: **I have a hard time with typing on this smart keyboa,rd, but I am fine :D

**sexy uwu: **ohhh that explains it lol

**sexy owo: **good to know buddy

**sexy uwu: **yo is everyone here yet

**Marianne: **ii havent seen ignatz,,??

**deathknightdestroyer69: **pretty sure he's busy

**sexy owo: **busy?? hm what can be more important than the secret sign of the golden deer

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **You mean the secret sing of the golden door?

**deathknightdestroyer69: **you mean the succulent song of the goldfish doner?

**sexy uwu: **u mean the subtitled sociobiologist of the godfather dongle???

**sexy owo: **okay please stop

**Marianne: **ii believe ignatz said he had an aart piece he wanted to finish today,,?? ;;

**sexy owo: **hm not good enough he should be here

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand is online.**

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ✋😎🤚**

**sexy owo: **LEGEND

**[** **Blue Lions Chatroom - ****12:31 PM ]**

**draco malfoy: **hey anyone here?

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade:** no.

**Dedue: **Yes.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **the duality of man

**haha just kidding… unless?: **there r two wolves inside of u… one is no…. one is yes…. u are gay

**draco malfoy: **okay cool i need help

**haha just kidding… unless?: **constant mood

**so basically, im babey: **what's up dimitri?? :o

🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: We're happy to help!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **what did you do this time

**draco malfoy: **i did not do anything, i just have a question?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **doubt

**draco malfoy: **no for real

**haha just kidding… unless?: **is this about the shampoo again

**haha just kidding… unless?: **dimitri we've explained this to you before you have to use it or else your hair will look like shit

**draco malfoy: **it's not about? the shampoo??

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **doubt

**draco malfoy: **are you guys going to listen to me or not

**Dedue: **Please, everyone, allow him to speak.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Sorry, Dimitri! Please continue with what you were saying!

**draco malfoy: **thank you.

**draco malfoy: **so i was speaking with claude today- and then, in the middle of our conversation, he just… lifted his hands up to the side of his face? and just held them there? i think it was some sort of gesture?

**draco malfoy: **i was really confused so i just copied him doing it, but i didn't know what it meant. am i missing something?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **for once i have no idea

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **"for once"

**oovoo javer: **i've never heard of anything like that, sorry!

**haha just kidding… unless?: **maybe its just a claude thing???

**draco malfoy: **that doesnt help but thank you

**haha just kidding… unless?: **anytime ;)

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Hmm, how strange… perhaps he was trying to wave at you??

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I really have no idea, sorry!

**draco malfoy: **it's alright mecerdes

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **maybe it's a cult thing. maybe you just accepted an invitation into his cult by copying the gesture

**draco malfoy: **i dont want to join his cult

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **well you should have thought of that before you copied it huh

**draco malfoy: **my bad

**haha just kidding… unless?: **maybe he was hitting on you

**draco malfoy: **im sorry what

**haha just kidding… unless?: **u never know, maybe thats how they flirt in the leicester alliance. weird hand gestures. maybe by copying him you just agreed to marry him

**so basically, im babey: **wedding is this sunday!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ooh! I can officiate!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **they grow up so fast..

**draco malfoy: **theres no wedding??

**haha just kidding… unless?: **if it really is a flirting thing u should show me what he did so i can try it out sometime dimitri ;)

**draco malfoy: **..okay??

**Dedue: **I'm sure it was just a joke of his. You can ask him about it next time you see him, Dimitri.

**draco malfoy: **finally someone with good advice in this house

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **:( Aw..

**draco malfoy: ***aside from mercedes

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **:D

**haha just kidding… unless?: **now that that's out of the way. dedue.

**Dedue: **?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **why is your name so boring?? just dedue?? fr??

**Dedue: **I don't believe I need a less 'boring' name than this. It gets the point across.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **well that wont do will it

**haha just kidding… unless?: **give me a sec

**haha just kidding… unless?: **felix give me your phone

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **aight.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade changed Dedue's nickname to dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???**

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **OH SHUT UOP

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: **I'm afraid I don't understand what this means.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **ingrid said that to me once

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i had a brief lapse in judgement shut the fuck up sylvain

**haha just kidding… unless?: **;)

**oovoo javer: **you really thought it was a type of tree,,??

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **moving on

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **how come felix has admin perms

**haha just kidding… unless?: **pretty sure dimitri doesnt know how to use a chatroom so felix got to be admin instead

**draco malfoy: **i know how to use a chatroom

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **like you know how to use shampoo?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **SDFJFHDGSHJG

**haha just kidding… unless?: **FELIX GOING IN FOR THE KILL

**draco malfoy: **can we please just forget the shampoo thing

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **MOVING ON

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **ashe whats up with your name

**oovoo javer: **oh this?? i didnt chose it

**haha just kidding… unless?: **hes never been to oovoo javer

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I believe it's a pun on his last name? Ubert?

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **sylvain chose it.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **sylvain why dont you give us good names

**haha just kidding… unless?: **dont hate just appreciate

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **please die

**draco malfoy: **on the topic of usernames

**draco malfoy: **felix?

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **what.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **yh whats up with your name felix

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i was expecting you to be named something

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **blander?? Idk

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade:** i didnt choose it.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **sylvain did.

**oovoo javer: **why?????

**haha just kidding… unless?: **he said it to me once

**haha just kidding… unless?: **he looked me in the FUCKIGN eye and said it and i ascended to the astral plane

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **,

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **He did?

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **it was a joke

**haha just kidding… unless?: **HE DID

**haha just kidding… unless?: **I THOUGHT I WAS DREAMING

**haha just kidding… unless?: **BUT HE DID

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **oh my god??

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **ET TU, FELIX???

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **i was just making a joke.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **I KNOW ITS JUST NOT SOMETHING I’D EXPECT FROM YOU LOL

**haha just kidding… unless?: **DSFHGDJH RIGHT

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **please stop

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I’m surprised too!

**oovoo javer: **cant believe felix was an undercover memelord this whole time

**haha just kidding… unless?: **please dont say undercover memelord ever again

**draco malfoy: **wait sylvain doesnt have admin rights, how did he change felix's name?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **sylvain has no rights full stop

**haha just kidding… unless?: **if u wanted me to die u could have just said so

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i do

**haha just kidding… unless?: **noted

**haha just kidding… unless?: **also i changed his name bc sitting next to him rn so i just stole his phone to change it

**haha just kidding… unless?: **thats how i changed everyone elses names too lol didnt u notice

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **dimitri doesnt know how to use a chatroom we established this

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **also why are you guys texting if youre sitting next to each other????

**haha just kidding… unless?: **he wont talk to me :(

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **is this where i say "yall hear sumn"?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **yes u got it

**haha just kidding… unless?: **ur doing amazing sweetie :)

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **dont talk to me.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **:(

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **(felix voice) is this where i say "oof"?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **woah felix is that you???

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **what the fuck

  
  


**[ Black Eagles Chatroom - ** **1:44 PM ]**

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: ***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR

**sleepy bitch disease: ***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **CAN YOU GUYS SHUT UP IT WAS ONE TIME

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **which one of you changed my name im going to k*ll you

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **;)

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **holup since when did you even have admin perms???

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **since i started dating our house leader

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **bow down to ur new kween ferdie

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **:)

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **once again the lesbians are my downfall

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **we're boutta end ur whole career

**Jared, 19: **hsd

**Jared, 19: **aughsd

**Jared, 19: **n

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **petra honey are you okay

**Jared, 19: **Hell Lo everyone

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **i dont know why but im scared

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **keep going sweetie ur doing amazing

**Jared, 19: **Thank You, Door of Theo! I appreciate your supper rat,

**sleepy bitch disease: **oh, i see what's going on. she's using text-to-speech.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **petra, there's a keyboard on your phone that you may use to type. if you need any assistance with doing so, I would be glad to provide.

**Jared, 19: **I do not see this key Board question mark

**Jared, 19: **Oh! I have found it. Thank you, Edelgard.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **of course.

**sleepy bitch disease: **could u guys stop texting so much im trying 2 nap

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **nap??? its literally the middle of the day and class starts in like five minutes

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **ill show u how to turn notifs off linhardt dw

**sleepy bitch disease: **thanks

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **by the way is hubert here?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **in this chat? yes- you can see a list of members on the side of the screen, caspar.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **i KNOW that im not blind

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **i meant here as in in this class right now that is starting in five minutes. i dont see him anywhere

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **look in the back corner of the room.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **,

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **thats

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **skdjskdnfhsjds i literally didnt even see him before oh my god hes literally hiding in the shadows

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **THATS SO CREEPY WHAT IS HE DOING

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **just chillin'.

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **hes what now

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **you heard her he's just chillin'.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **ahello

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: ** bernie!! hello!! i hope youre doing well **💖**

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **damn wish dorothea would be that nice to me :(

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **who are u again

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **dont

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **oh!! thats right i remember

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **you are *ferdinand voice* FERDINAND VON AEGIR

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **IT WAS ONE FUCKING TIMEEE

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **sorry2ask but a m i misssing something here ???

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **no please dont ask its fine

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **okay so you werent here for this bernie but the professor took us out to fight some monsters to train

**sleepy bitch disease: **ive always thought the professor's decisions to pit us against monsters was a questionable one, even if it's for training.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **me fucking too but hey we lived bitch

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **we rlly did

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **anyways

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **during the fight ferdinand charges straight at one of the monsters and he just

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **screams at the top of his lungs

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **"I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR"

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **HE RLLY IS…

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **IT WAS TH HEAT OF THE MOMENT STOP MOCKING ME

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **im sorry ferdinand von aegir it wont happen again

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **please im begging you stop this

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **ferdie

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **ill take it

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **oh i see!!/ thx for eexplaining caspar im sorr y for asking

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **u dont need to apologise lol

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **ok now that thats over can we go back to talking about hubert over there

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **he hasnt moved like at all hes. still in the corner

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **is he just?? watching us??

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **are you trying to change the subject

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **yes thats literally exactly what i'm doing

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **ok fair

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **do you,, do you think he knows we know he's there??

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **you all turned to look at him at the exact same time when I pointed him out earlier. he's probably aware.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **stealth mission failed we'll get em next time

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **eeeeeeeeeeeeeee

**Jared, 19: **Excuse me- is our professor late in showing to class?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **no one fucking say it ill literally kill you

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **if she's 15 minutes late we're legally allowed to leave

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **FUCK YOU

**creeper is online.**

**creeper: **She is late, yes- by three minutes so far.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **e

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years is offline.**

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **hubie!! nice of you to join us

**Jared, 19: **If you do not mind that I ask, Hubert, why is your name 'creeper'?

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **AW MAN

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **AWWW MAN

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **AW MAN

**sleepy bitch disease: **aw man

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **wheres the enthusiasm huh linhardt

**sleepy bitch disease: **the what

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **hes tired let him live

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **hes? always? tired?

**sleepy bitch disease: **correct

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **let him live you fucker

**creeper: **I did not select this username for myself. I'm guessing it was Dorothea who chose it.

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **hehe guilty

**Jared, 19: **Oh, I have understanding! Dorothea, what does this mean?

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **idk haha i just thought he was a lil creepy and so the nickname would be funny and fitting

**Jared, 19: **Thank you for the explanation!

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **anything for u petra 💕

**Jared, 19: **:)

**sleepy bitch disease: **is the professor here yet?

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **has it been 15 minutes??

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **dorothea i am going to fight you with my bare hands

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **hey whered edelgard go

**creeper: **what?

**Jared, 19: **I do not have sight on her in the classroom... Perhaps she went for a walk?

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **edelgard where are u :(((

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **@Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **oh, sorry- I'm just going to search for the professor. it's unusual for her to be this late.

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **nooo edie come back!! :(

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **dorothea?

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **edgelord baby i lvoe you

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **💘💗💜💖💕💕💓💞💛❣️💖💕💗💗❣️❣️💛

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **💖

**sleepy bitch disease: **are we just going to ignore that she called edelgard edgelord?

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **EDGELORD

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **hhey aareyou okay dorothea? ?? yyoure um typing a bit weirdly

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **girljs

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **words to live by

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖: **shut up ferdinand youre literally gay

**💎✨💖 dorothea ✨🎶💖 has changed their nickname to girljs.**

**girljs: **better

**girljs: **sorry lads i just had a moment of Gay™ but im good now

**sleepy bitch disease: **my entire life is one big moment of Gay™ 

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **mood.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **I found the professor. she was fishing. we will be returning to class shortly.

**girljs: **women want her fish fear her

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **i fear her

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **what are you a fucking fish

  
  


**[ Shared Chatroom - ** **2:49 PM ]**

**sexy uwu: **what the fuck

**sexy uwu: **alright which of you fuckers thought this was a good idea

**spill the tea kween: **I thought communication between the houses has been limited recently, so I decided to create a chatroom for you all.

**spill the tea kween: **Be responsible, though.

**spill the tea kween is offline.**

**draco malfoy: **a wonderful idea, professor

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **I agree. this is a lovely idea.

**sexy owo: **this is literally the most awful idea ive ever heard and yet im here for it

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **professor byleth, please invite me to tea.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **she literally went offline already u missed ur chance

**girljs: **professor byleth's tea parties are a luxury few can afford

**sexy uwu: **im still not sure if theyre real or not tbh

**Marianne: **they are, i swear!!! ;;

**Marianne: **aaa,,, who else here has actually been to one??

**girljs: **i have! ✨🍵

**oovoo javer: **i've been to one!

**Moto Moto: **I have.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **as have i.

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **i have!

**draco malfoy: **me too.

**sleepy bitch disease: **i've been to one.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I went to one as well! It was quite lovely.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I believe Annette has well, though she's not online at the moment. 

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **And I'm sure there's a few more who have been as well who are not currently online!

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **hm, i see.

**deathknightdestroyer69: **someone sounds jealous

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **i am not.

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **uh huh

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i have some work to attend to, so i shall be off for now. if anyone needs to speak to me, please dm me.

**girljs: **gbye edie!!! i love you!!! 💖💘💞

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **💖

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe is offline.**

**sexy uwu: **adorable

**haha just kidding… unless?: **that could be us but u playin 😔✌️

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **who are you even talking to.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **the girl reading this

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **die

**draco malfoy: **oh, while we're here.

**draco malfoy: **claude, i was meaning to ask you- what was the meaning of that strange hand gesture you did earlier this day?

**sexy owo: **hehe

**draco malfoy: **what?

**sexy owo: ** hehe nothing dimitri **✋😎🤚**

**sexy uwu: ✋😎🤚**

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: ✋😎🤚**

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ✋😎🤚**

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ✋😎🤚**

**Marianne: ✋😎🤚**

**Moto Moto: ✋😎🤚**

**deathknightdestroyer69: ✋😎🤚**

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **I WAS RIGHT DIMITRI IT IS A FUCKING CULT THING

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i cant believe dimitri joined a cult without us

**sexy uwu: **yes we, the golden deer, are a cult

**sleepy bitch disease: **i knew it

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **can i join

**sexy uwu: **password?

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **please

**sexy uwu: **denied

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **:(

**girljs: **dw ferdie youll get em next time

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **if i could direct all of your interest back to the more interesting topic of byleth's tea parties.

**girljs: **what else is there to discuss

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i think hes just mad he hasnt been to one

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **no, i am not mad. 

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **but, in my opinion,

**sexy uwu: **shut the fuck up bottom

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **oh my god

**girljs: **hilda id literally die for you

**sexy owo: **h

**haha just kidding… unless?: **ASJHDFSGHJSDSFD

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **HELLO police? i just witnessed a murder

**sexy owo: **LMFAOSDFHGDJ I WHEEZED

**sexy uwu: **:)

**the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days: **that was not a murder, all she did was call me a bottom.

**sexy uwu: **shut the fuck up bottom

**haha just kidding… unless?: **shut the fuck up bottom

**girljs: **shut the fuck up bottom

**sexy owo has changed the feet pics darling please it has been 15 days's nickname to shut the fuck up bottom.**

**shut the fuck up bottom: **this isn't fair.

**sexy owo: **shut the fuck up bottom

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe is online.**

**shut the fuck up bottom: **finally, someone with a bit of sense. edelgard, if you would, please tell the others here to cease this ridiculous name-calling!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **shut the fuck up bottom

**shut the fuck up bottom: **ah

**girljs: **nNGIOASHGASDHSDGFGSDHJDFS

**girljs: **EDIE GOING IN FOR THE KILL

**girljs: **THATYS ,MY GIRLFRIEND 💜💘💖💖💗💕💜💖❣️💖💗 WHAT A QUEEN

**sexy uwu: **LEGENDARY

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **HELLO POLICE I JUST WITNESSED A SECOND MURDER

**sexy owo: **lorenz found dead in miami

**draco malfoy: **finally

**sexy owo: **JASHDFNASDHGFHDSJ

**haha just kidding… unless?: **NDFHGJHGSJ DIMITRI>?? ??

**girljs: **IM CRYING YO

**sexy uwu: **OH MY GOD DIMITRI TOO

**sexy uwu: **LORENZ JUST CANT CATCH A BREAK TODAY HUH

**oovoo javer: **he's being attacked from all sides...

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **the only time the houses are ever united

**sexy owo: **its for a good cause

**haha just kidding… unless?: **legends only

**shut the fuck up bottom: **who has admin perms in this chat?

**sexy owo: **no i will not change your name for you

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **me neither.

**so basically, im babey: **does dimitri?? :o

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I believe he does! But I think he's busy right now.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **whats he doing he was here a minute ago

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade:** he's in the middle of a sparring match with me. 

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **so he can't text at the moment.

**sexy owo: **wait youre literally texting us how can u be sparring at the same time

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **im multitasking.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **does he expect us to believe that

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **It would take a lot of talent to pull off something like that… I don't mean to doubt your word, Felix, but I don't believe it's possible, either!

**sleepy bitch disease: **i bet he could pull it off, this is felix we're talking about.

**draco malfoy: **hes not lying

**sexy owo: **,

**draco malfoy: **you can all come to the training grounds to see. he was on his phone and texting while sparring.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **WHAT

**draco malfoy: **and he managed to still beat me.

**sexy owo: **ive gotta see this i still dont believe it brb

**sexy uwu: **claude out here doing gods work, report to us when u find out the truth

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **this is just a stupid joke, i cant believe you guys are falling for it

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **it's not a joke. i don't see what's so hard to believe.

**sexy owo: **HOLY SHIT

**sexy owo: ** [ Video attachment: _ HE_STUDIED_THE_BLADE.mov _]

**sleepy bitch disease: **wow

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **,

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i stand corrected

**haha just kidding… unless?: **itwas time for thomas to leave he had seen eveyrthing

**sexy uwu: **HOW DOES HE DO IT

**haha just kidding… unless?: **IM IN AWE

**sexy owo: **im going back to my room this was too powerful for my bare eyes to handle

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **told you so.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **That's impressive, Felix! I'm sorry for doubting you earlier!

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **it's not that impressive, really.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **felix can you teach me how to do that

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **no.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **babe please

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **j

**haha just kidding… unless?: **,

**haha just kidding… unless?: **felix

**haha just kidding… unless?: **are u okay there buddy

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **felix machine broke

**haha just kidding… unless?: **FELIX COME HOME

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **you broke him sylvain

**haha just kidding… unless?: **FELIX IM SORRY

**girljs: **you ruined a perfectly good twink is what you did. look at it. its got gay

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **LMAO

**sexy uwu: **ITS GOT GAY SDFUSAJHGGJ

**sleepy bitch disease: **wow same

**sexy owo: **i, too, have got gay

**haha just kidding… unless?: **WHAT DID I DOOOOO

**haha just kidding… unless?: **whyis he not responding felix please

**draco malfoy: **uh

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **what do you mean, 'uh'? dimitri, what did you do?

**sexy owo: **lmao that sounds so accusatory ingrid all he did was say 'uh'

**sexy owo: **let him BREATHE

**draco malfoy: **i think i knocked felix unconscious

**sexy owo: **UH

**haha just kidding… unless?: **h

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **im sorry what

**haha just kidding… unless?: **YOU WHAT

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ohh, no..! You guys are at the training grounds, right? I'll be right there!

**draco malfoy: **thank you mercedes

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Of course!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏 is offline.**

**haha just kidding… unless?: **HWO DID YOU KNOCK HIM UNCONSCIOUS

**draco malfoy: **we were sparring and he was texting as you all know

**girljs: **im still not over the fact that he can pull that off tbh

**draco malfoy: **i swung at him, and i was expecting him to block the blow, but then he looked at his phone and just. froze

**sexy uwu: **dont text and spar kids

**sexy owo: **im crying i cant believe felix's gay panic literally murdered him

**girljs: **can we get an f?

**sleepy bitch disease: **f

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: **f

**haha just kidding… unless?: **oh mygod

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **f

**haha just kidding… unless?: **imcoming to the training grounds brb

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **F

**haha just kidding… unless? is offline.**

**sexy owo: **f

**sexy uwu: **f

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Okay, on a more serious note,

**sexy owo: **a what

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **What do we do? should we say something to byleth about this?

**girljs: **i vote we tell byleth nothing

**spill the tea kween is online.**

**spill the tea kween: **Tell me nothing about what?

**sexy owo: **felix had a gay panic and dimitri accidentally knocked him unconscious

**girljs: **CLAUDE YOU IGNORANT SLUT

**sexy uwu: **IGNORANT

**sexy uwu: **SLUT

**sexy uwu: **IM ASUISDFHFDHGJHGSJASFSDHGFHSDJHFSDG HOLYYY SHITTTT

**sexy owo: **if hilda and i werent currently twinning id change my name to that in a HEARTBEAT

**sexy uwu: **i appreciate ur loyalty thx bro

**sexy owo: **anytime bro

**spill the tea kween: **And is Felix okay?

**girljs: **ya im sure hes doing fine, no need to worry professor!

**sexy owo: **he could be dead for all we know

**girljs: **claude im literally going to slay you where you stand

**spill the tea kween: **Alright, I backread.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **oh no

**draco malfoy: **professor i am so sorry for this

**draco malfoy: **also no claude, felix is not dead

**spill the tea kween: **Don't worry about it, Dimitri. I can see none of you were intentionally at fault. I'm going to check up on Felix for now.

**spill the tea kween: **If anything like this happens again in the future, please let me know right away, alright? As your professor, your safety is my concern.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **if we tell you every time felix has a gay panic we're gonna end up spamming your notifs professor

**spill the tea kween: **Aha. You know what I meant.

**sexy owo: **i know you didnt mean for that to come across as threatening but that "Aha" is going to haunt my nightmares thanks teach

**spill the tea kween: **Anytime, Claude. I'm going to check up on Felix now.

**spill the tea kween is offline.**

**sexy owo: **terrifying


	2. *the fish flops around*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sexy owo:** ✋😎🤚
> 
> **sexy uwu:** ✋😎🤚
> 
> **deathknightdestroyer:** ✋😎🤚
> 
> **i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨:** for the last time no one is gonna join your cult
> 
> **draco malfoy:** ✋😎🤚

**[ Blue Lions Chatroom - 5:17 PM ]**

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** it's been 5 years since felix died

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** i wont lie, its been hard on all of us

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** losing such a good friend like that… it would change anyone

**so basically, im babey: ** "good friend" haha okay!

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** i think ingrid was hit the hardest by his death. its been so long, yet i can still hear her sobs echoing through the halls at night…

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨** : alright what the fuck

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** as for me?

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** well, i'll survive… even if it's without felix at my side.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** what are you doing.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** its been five whole years, and yet sometimes i can still hear his voice...

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** its been THREE DAYS SYLVAIN.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** WOAH FELIX WHERED YOU COME FROM

**draco malfoy: ** what is happening

**oovoo javer: ** i?? have no idea

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** literally WHAT are you talking about sylvain.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** OH MY GOD FELIX! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨:** is this even real

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Is anything even real?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨:** ,

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** ,

**so basically, im babey: ** ,

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** hEY mercedes u good????

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Ehe, I'm doing just fine!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨:** SOMEHOW IM EVEN MORE SCARED NOW???

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨:** mercedes please are you okay

**so basically, im babey: ** mercedes??? is there anything you want to talk about??? im here for you if you need me!! :o

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Noo, really- I'm okay!! I just wanted to see you guys' reactions, ehe. I'm sorry for scaring you!

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** oh my god

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** we've been clowned

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨:** huh i guess im boo boo the fool

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** can i get a honk in the chat

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** no.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** thanks!

**so basically, im babey: ** honk!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Honk! 🤡

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** h

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** mercedes youre being terrifying again

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh- I'm sorry!! It wasn't intentional that time!

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** mom come pick me up im scared

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** mercedes is mom, we're on our own this time

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** perish.

**oovoo javer: ** does felix just lurk in the chat and wait for the best oppurtunity to strike, killing you instantly

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** yes.

**oovoo javer: ** got it!!

  
  
  


**[ Golden Deer Chatroom - 9:00 PM ]**

**shut the fuck up bottom: ** would someone here do me the favor of changing my name?

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** loranz you've asked this every single day for the past three days on an hourly basis

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** shut, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck up

**shut the fuck up bottom: ** not until i am granted the justice of a name change.

**sexy uwu: ** yall hear sumn

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Just give him the goddamn name change if he won't shut up about it

**sexy owo: ** not to be dramatic but id rather die

**sexy owo: ** i cant right now anyways im busy

**sexy uwu: ** doing what

**sexy owo: ** playing chess

**Marrianne: ** isnt it a bit late to be playing cchess,,,?? uum since we still have training and such to do tomorrow,,

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** it's only 9pm

**sexy owo: ** haha yeah its only 9pm so im allowed to be awake :)

**sexy owo: ** but shouldnt you be asleep lysithea?? since ur like three years old

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** your days are numbered.

**sexy owo: ** im counting on it

**shut the fuck up bottom: ** would someone PLEASE change my name?

**sexy owo has changed shut the fuck up bottom's name to please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(.**

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** this is not what i meant.

**sexy uwu: ** SDFKFSDHNGSDFHJSDF

  
  
  


**[ Black Eagles Chatroom - 11:42 PM ]**

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** hey you guys remember that time we made a minecraft server

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** dont remind me

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** it was… certainly an experience.

**girljs: ** OMG I HAD FORGOTTEN

**girljs: ** can we please bring that back!! and invite the other houses too!!!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** awful idea

**Jared, 19: ** What is this Minecraft?

**girljs: ** OMG

**girljs: ** WE HAVE TO BRING IT BACK SO WE CAN TEACH PETRA ABOUT MINECRAFT GAYS ITS IMPORTANT

**girljs: ** petra honey its this fantastic game where you can build nice houses and farms and such

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** and fight others to the death to steal all the resources they gathered.

**girljs: ** yeah!!!!!! :)

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** last time we tried this game, the ending was… less than ideal

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** dorothea, i love you, but please think this through.

**girljs: ** i have and i think its a good idea

**girljs: ** also love u too bby ✨💖

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** ii

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: /** id like to brbring it back too,,

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** of course you would

**Jared, 19: ** If it is okay for me to be asking… what exactly was this less than ideal ending?

**girljs: ** oh this is my FAVORITE story

**girljs: ** aside from the ferdinand von aegir one that is

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** of course it is lmfao

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** here we go

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** nno real ly you dont have to tell it,

**girljs: ** bernie this is ur legacy i gotta

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** hh h hh okay ,, , go ahead /

**girljs: ** AIGHT SO

**girljs: ** it was like?? a month or so into the server

**girljs: ** it had been pretty peaceful so far like some of us had set up base together and we were just chilling

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** just chillin'.

**girljs: ** just chillin'.

**girljs: ** anyways one day i log onto the server to find caspar, ferdinand and bernie GOIN OFF at each other in chat

**Jared, 19: ** Oh, dear!

**Jared, 19: ** Just to confirm… 'GOIN OFF' is yelling, correct?

**girljs: ** yes u got it 💖

**Jared, 19: ** I am glad!

**Jared, 19: ** 💖

**girljs: ** :') i (platonically) love u sm petra ur so sweet

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** can you just get this fucking story over and done with

**girljs: ** sorry sorry im getting to it!

**girljs: ** anyways i was boutta jump in and defend bernie when i realised.. she was not the one who needed defending

**girljs: ** the chat showed that she was literally DESTROYING caspar and ferdinand over and over and over again with zero (0) mercy

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** im getting flashbacks

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** HH HH HDB IMSORRYREALLY

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** tthey um

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** ferdina,nd um killed my wolfdb and i just um

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** :(

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** yeah and i got stuck in the fucking middle

**girljs: ** it was so legendary

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i suppose it should come as no surprise that bernadetta is skilled with the bow both in minecraft and in real life, too.

**Jared, 19: ** Oh… this sounds like quite the violent of games!

**girljs: ** no its fun i swear

**creeper: ** Was it fun when you placed TNT in my house and killed me, Dorothea?

**girljs: ** HAHAHSDHDFGHJSD I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

**girljs: ** IM SORRY I WAS TARGETTING FERDINAND YOU WERE COLLATERAL DAMAGE

**girljs: ** it was fun though ehe u right 

**creeper: ** For you, perhaps.

**girljs: ** love u hubie 💖💖💖

**girljs: ** anyways basically petra we had a full out war in the end but it was fun so it was fine!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** ferdinand wouldnt speak to me for a month straight

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** YOU KILLED FERDINAND VON AEGIR JR. CASPAR

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** MY DISTRESS WAS UNDERSTANDABLE

**Jared, 19: ** Ferdinand Von Aegir Jr.?

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** my minecraft bird i miss him every day

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i really dont think bringing the minecraft server back is a good idea.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** all of you should be getting some rest now- it's nearly midnight, after all. 

**creeper: ** Of course, Lady Edelgard. Good night.

**girljs: ** gnight everyone!!!! 💖

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** goodnight. :)

  
  
  


**[ the only valid bitches in these houses - 1:42 AM ]**

**sexy owo added 8 people to the chatroom.**

**sexy owo: ** i have gathered you all here today

**sexy owo: ** for an important ask

**sexy owo: ** you have been carefully chosen

**sexy owo: ** with your individual strengths and weaknesses taken into account

**sexy owo: ** each and every one of you are essential to my plan

**sexy owo: ** that is why i must ask for your full cooperation

**sexy uwu: ** claude

**sexy uwu: ** you

**sexy uwu: ** MOTHERFUCKER

**sexy owo: ** ,

**sexy uwu: ** EVERY time you send a message my fucking phone makes a noise

**sexy uwu: ** and it is NEARLY TWO AM

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** says the person who used three different messages to say "claude you motherfucker"

**sexy uwu: ** my phone doesnt make a noise when i send the messages

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ah i see

**sexy owo: ** hilda its for a good cause i PROMISE

**sexy owo: ** AS I WAS SAYING

**sexy uwu: ** use one fucking message this time not 5

**sexy owo: ** noted

**sexy owo: ** we have a mission. all of us. we must work together. teamwork is essential. i feel like without the dramatic timing of sending my messages one at a time this has considerably less impact than i wanted it to have

**girljs: ** ur doing great honey keep going

**sexy owo: ** thank u for the support it means a lot

**girljs: ** its our bi solidarity 💖

**sexy owo: ** of course

**sexy owo: ** anyways

**sexy owo: ** i found out some, as the kids these days would say, steaming hot tea

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** a

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** as the kids these days would say

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** YOURE LITERALLY

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** fuck it nevermind im too tired

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** tell us the tea claude dont keep us waiting

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** yeah hurry up I wanna know

**sexy owo: ** patience

**sexy uwu: ** CLAUDE

**sexy owo: ** ALRIGHT ALRIGHT

**sexy owo: ** byleth has a date

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** ,

**sexy uwu: ** OMG

**draco malfoy: ** ,

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** ,

**sexy uwu: ** AS THE KIDS THESE DAYS WOULD SAY! SPILL THAT TEA SIS!!!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** HOLY SHIT

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** WAIT WITH WHO

**sexy owo: ** I DONT KNOW THATS WHY WE'RE HERE

**draco malfoy: ** wait

**draco malfoy: ** what are you implying claude?

**sexy owo: ** :^))))

**draco malfoy: ** i dont like the sound of that

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** i do

**sexy owo: ** its tomorrow at noon

**sexy owo: ** and thats the reason i have gathered you brave soliders here today

**sexy owo: ** to stalk our teacher and find out her mysterious date!

**girljs has added creeper to the chat.**

**sexy owo: ** DOROTHEA THIS IS A PRIVATE CHATROOM

**girljs: ** sorry u said stalk and i thought his skills could be of use ;^)

**sexy owo: ** u know what? fair

**creeper: ** What is this?

**girljs: ** byleth has a date tomorrow and we're gonna find out who it is!!!

**creeper: ** So why am I here?

**girljs: ** we need ur stalking powers hubie please

**creeper: ** Fine.

**girljs: ** and if you say no i'll

**girljs: ** ,

**girljs: ** ok u agreed faster than i was expecting welcome to the team hubie!! ✨💕

**creeper: ** I'm going to sleep now. You all better have figured out a sensible plan for what you're going to do by morning.

**creeper is offline.**

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** cya hubert

**girljs: ** okay bye hubie!! 💖

**sexy uwu: ** there he goes

**sexy owo: ** ok back to business

**sexy owo: ** you are all the most chaotic motherfuckers i know and that is why you are here

**sexy uwu: ** what he means is we're the least likely to tattle

**sexy owo: ** exactly

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** wait then why is dimitri here????

**sexy owo: ** so we have someone to pin the blame on in case everything goes wrong

**draco malfoy: ** wait what

**sexy owo: ** also he saw me make the chat and demanded to be added

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** wait but you made this chat like ten minutes ago

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** it's nearly 2 am

**girljs: ** omg..

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** …...what are you guys doing together at nearly 2 am in the morning???

**girljs: ** omg……………...

**sexy uwu: ** ,

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ,

**sexy uwu: ** CLAUDE YOU MOTHERFUCKERR

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** I KNEW THE HAND SIGN WAS A FLIRTING THING

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** tbh I'm not surprised

**sexy uwu: ** OH MY GOD CLAUDE YOU PROMISED YOUD TELL ME THE SECOND YOU AND DRACO MALFOY BECAME OFFICIAL

**girljs: ** sdfsdhgfshj draco malfoy, thats him

**draco malfoy: ** what

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** oh my GOD dimitri you should have told us!! what the fuck we're like your best friends you're supposed to tell us everything about your love life :/

**draco malfoy: ** WHAT

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i cant believe dimitri has more game than i do

**sexy uwu: ** THIS IS A BREAK OF OUR SACRED TWINSHIP TRUST CLAUDE WHAT THE FUCKK!!!!

**sexy owo: ** i

**sexy owo: ** im lauGHING SO HARD THIS IS SO FUNNY

**sexy uwu: ** NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS FUNNY YOU FUCK

**draco malfoy: ** claude can you please explain? this is humilating

**sexy owo: ** UDASDHASHDS OKAy its not like that you guys we're literally just playign chess

**sexy uwu: ** ,

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** and you expect us to believe that?

**sexy owo: ** [ Image attatchment:  _ asnfdhdfgsdf.png  _ ]

**sexy owo: ** the games been going on for so long because we both take a solid half an hour each to make a single move

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** story of my love life except replace "half an hour" with "ten years"

**sexy uwu: ** this aint about u

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** we get it sylvain youre gay

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** LET ME LIVE

**girljs: ** actually i can vouch for claude's story!! i went by there in the evening and they were playing chess together lol

**draco malfoy: ** thank you dorothea

**girljs: ** 💕 np

**draco malfoy: ** yeah we're playing chess. i didn't expect the game to last this long but time flies

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** wait how long HAVE you been playing

**sexy uwu: ** yeah what the fuck claude now that i think about it you mentioned this like five hours ago

**sexy owo: ** nearly 11 hours in total we've been here since 3pm

**girljs: ** alright what the fuck

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** you daft motherfuckers don't you have better things to do with your time??

**sexy owo: ** of course not

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** absolute madlads

**sexy uwu: ** claude im sorry for accusing you of breaking our twinship trust can u forgive me

**sexy owo: ** ofc bro anything for my twin

**sexy uwu: ** thx bro ur the best :)

**sexy owo: ** anytime bro :)

**sexy owo: ** ok now we need to get down to business for real are u all done interrupting me

**girljs: ** yes sir

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** hurry up I want to sleep

**sexy owo: ** alright the professor's date is at noon tomorrow

**sexy owo: ** problem being i dont know where

**sexy owo: ** thats where u all come in! my genius plan is that if we have enough people spread out around the monastary at least one of us will be able to spot byleth leaving lol

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** genius indeed

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** how does he do it

**sexy owo: ** alright everyone understand the plan??

**draco malfoy: ** yes.

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** uh huh

**girljs: ** yes!!!

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** mmhmm

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** hell yeah

**sexy uwu: ** yeet

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i think i'll manage

**girljs: ** goshhHHH this is so exciting,, i wonder who the professor's date is!! 💕💕

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** you guys dont think itd be a student, right?

**sexy uwu: ** oh fuck no

**sexy uwu: ** byleth's an adult and most of us are kids youd need at least another five years before anything like that would happen LMAO

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** true haha

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** my bets are on seteth

**girljs: ** ,

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** SE TETH

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** GOD can you imagine

**girljs: ** ferdie i love you, but,

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** no you dont

**girljs: ** ur right i dont

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** lol maybe its rhea

**draco malfoy: ** somehow a worse suggestion than seteth?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** this is awful

**sexy uwu: ** i dont like this guessing game

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** if it's seteth OR rhea I'm leaving the school

**sexy uwu: ** take me with you

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** sure lol, marianne can come too

**sexy uwu: ** sounds like a plan we'll ride off into the sunset together

**girljs: ** beautiful……………. goodbye my lesbians i will miss u all

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** maybe her date is manuela

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** manuela???

**girljs: ** all of u choose ur next words carefully if any of u insult manuela i WILL smite you 💕

**draco malfoy: ** got it

**sexy owo: ** alright im terrified

**girljs: ** :)

**sexy owo: ** moving on!

**sexy owo: ** it could be hannerman

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** what the FUCK

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** HES LIKE 500 C L A U D E

**sexy uwu: ** ,

**sexy uwu: ** claude youre my best friend and we have a powerful bi solidarity going on. i love you very much, platonically, but if you ever say anything like that ever again i will not hesitate to kill you in a heartbeat for the greater good

**sexy owo: ** ANSHGFJASD IM SORRY I WAS JOKING

**girljs: ** you know what 

**girljs: ** guessing time is over everyone go to bed

**sexy uwu: ** fantastic idea

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** yes please lets do that

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** goodnight to all of you except sylvain and claude

**sexy owo: ** goodnight ingrid :)

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** im blocking you

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** gnight

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** goodnight everyone!

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** night

**girljs: ** night everyone!!! 💖 sweet dreams!!!!

**draco malfoy: ** good night

**sexy owo: ** dimitri youre not sleeping until we finish this chess game :)

**draco malfoy: ** of course

**sexy uwu: ** oh my fucking god you guys

  
  
  


**[ the only valid bitches in these houses - 4:26 AM ]**

**draco malfoy: ** I WON THE CHESS GAME

**sexy owo: ** FUCK YOU

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** BOTH OF YOU GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP

  
  
  


**[ the only valid bitches in these houses - 8:12 AM ]**

**sexy owo: ** you wake up. its the middle of the night. you hear a knocking on the door. you wonder who it could be at this hour. do you open the door?

**sexy uwu: ** is this an open roleplay

**sexy owo: ** yes

**sexy uwu: ** i open the door

**sexy owo: ** theres no one there

**sexy uwu: ** what the fuck

**sexy owo: ** you hear a knock at the window

**sexy uwu: ** i open the window??

**sexy owo: ** theres someone standing there

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** who is it

**sexy owo: ** its seteth, "its me, seteth" says seteth

**girljs: ** NHSDFGDGH WHAT

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i swear to god

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** can i be seteth

**sexy owo: ** no im seteth you can be the fish

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** the what

**sexy owo: ** the fish

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** oh haha got it :)

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** *flops around*

**sexy owo: ** perfect

**girljs: ** what is happening

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** its too early for this

**sexy owo: ** seteth looks at you

**sexy uwu: ** i look back

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** *the fish flops around*

**sexy owo: ** seteth says "i have a favor to ask of you"

**sexy uwu: ** i close the window

**sexy owo: ** ah

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** the thrilling conclusion

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** can you believe I woke up for *this*

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** why did ferdinand get to be a fish

**girljs: ** hehe i GUESS you could say hes

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** w

**girlsj: ** *ferdinand voice* fishdinand von aegir

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** e

**sexy uwu: ** FISHDINAND

**sexy uwu: ** VON

**sexy uwu: ** AEGIR

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** KSDJSKSDAJS

***ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ** SSTOPPPP

**sexy owo: ** OH MY GOD ADSFHNGFDSGSDFJ

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** LMAO

**sexy owo has changed *ferdinand voice* i am FERDINAND VON AEGIR to *ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR.**

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** IT

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** WAS ONE TIME

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** THIS ISNT EVEN A GOOD PUN

**girljs: ** okay fishdinand von aegir!!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i wanna know what favor was seteth going to ask

**sexy owo: ** hm well i guess now youll never know

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** sad

**sexy uwu: ** he was probably just gonna ask for another fish for flayn

**girljs: ** oh my GOD we would have had to sacrifice fishdinand von aegir

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** oh no not fishdinand von aegir :((

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** please no i have so much to live for

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** its for a good cause

**sleepy bitch disease is online.**

**girljs: ** morning lindhardt!! 💕

**sleepy bitch disease: ** what is this?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** oh right u werent here last night were u

**sexy owo: ** how dare you not be awake at 2am to scheme

**sleep bitch disease: ** my bad

**girljs: ** its lindhardt whatd you expect haha

**sexy owo: ** fair

**sleepy bitch disease: ** give me a moment to backread

**sleepy bitch disease: ** alright got it

**girljs: ** that was fast

**sleepy bitch disease: ** mmhmm

**sleepy bitch disease: ** wake me up at noon i'll be there

**sleepy bitch disease is offline.**

**sexy owo: ** alright everyone we have over three hours to get in position

**sexy uwu: ** damn do you think we'll make it in time

**sexy owo: ** shut the up im just being prepared

**sexy uwu: ** my bad

**creeper is online.**

**creeper: ** So.

**girljs: ** so

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** so???

**creeper: ** Have you determined a suitable plan of action?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** please speak like a normal person im begging you

**creeper: ** No.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** alright!

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** yeah we got a plan

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** not to flex or anything but its pretty damn good ;)

**creeper: ** Do tell.

**sexy owo: ** so we're gonna spread out the monastery and pray someone sees byleth leaving for her date

**creeper: **

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** HHSNSDFGNDASGDSFH

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** HUBERT U GOOD

**girljs: ** hes in shock

**creeper: ** Just a little taken aback. But I suppose your sorry excuse for a plan is better than nothing.

**sexy owo: ** u flatter me

**sexy owo: ** alright everyone we gotta plan our locations

**sexy owo: ** i got eyes on the dining hall

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ill watch the training grounds

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** lmfao gee i wonder why

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** what

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** nothing

**girljs: ** sylvain ur so unsubtle its sad

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** WHAT

**sexy uwu: ** gee i wonder whos at the training grounds!

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** I can't even begin to guess

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i'll head to the stable

**girljs: ** im at the greenhouse! i hope it's alright if edie's here with me too??

**sexy owo: ** sure thats fine

**girljs: ** thx ur the best claude 💕💕💕

**sexy uwu: ** ill take the marketplace

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i'll go to the cathedral?

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** I'll stay at the fishing pond, byleth's bound to come past here sometime lmao

**sexy owo: ** good point

**girljs: ** watch out fishdinand von aegir the professor's coming for ur family

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i just cant catch a break today huh!

**sexy uwu: ** u cant catch a break ever

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** true

**sleepy bitch disease is online.**

**sleepy bitch disease: ** i'm already at the library so i'll wait here

**creeper: ** I'll watch the Entrance Hall.

**draco malfoy: ** ill be at the dormitories

**sexy owo: ** alright everyones got their places then

**sexy owo: ** lets roll out

**sexy owo: ** ✋😎🤚

**sexy uwu: ** ✋😎🤚

**deathknightdestroyer: ** ✋😎🤚

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** for the last time no one is gonna join your cult

**draco malfoy: ** ✋😎🤚

**sexy owo: ** ,

**sexy uwu: ** ,

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** ,

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** DIMITRI

**draco malfoy: ** what i thought we were all doing it

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** oh my fucking GOD

**sexy uwu: ** AADHSFGSFDHGDSFHJ

**sexy uwu: ** HES OFFICIALLY ONE OF US WE HAVE SCREENSHOTTED PROOF

**sexy owo: ** our impact wow!!!

**girljs: ** i DONT know what just happened but i have the feeling dimitri fucked up

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** constant mood

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** if i say ✋😎🤚 too does that mean i can join the cult

**girljs: ** dont you dare u gotta be loyal to the black eagles

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** all you guys do is bully me and you expect loyalty???

**girljs: ** im glad u understand!!

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** sorry ferdinand, no thotties allowed

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** then why is dimitri allowed?

**sexy owo: ** SDDHGSDFHSDFGFS OH MY GOD

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** DIMITRI A THOTTIE

**draco malfoy: ** what??

**sexy uwu: ** asnhsdfghj shit u right sorry dimitri u gotta go

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** golden deer is chads only! :)

**sexy owo: ** NO TEA JUST FACTS

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ASIDDSFHGDF

**creeper: ** Are you all intending on wasting your time on this useless 'banter', or are you going to get in position?

**girljs: ** lmao 'banter'

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** sorry sir

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** fun police is here

**sexy owo: ** SCATTER

  
  
  


**[ the only valid bitches in these houses - 11:47 AM ]**

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** I have eyes on the professor

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** arent u like 15 thats a lil weird

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** not in that way you dumb fucker

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** sylvain youre so fucking stupid

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** IM SORRY I CANT THINK STRAIGHT RN

**sexy owo: ** ha

**sexy owo: ** interesting choice of words u got there, sylvain ;)

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ,

**girljs: ** oh did u see a certain someone at the training grounds ;)

**sexy uwu: ** ;)

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** i havethe right to remain silent anything i say can and will be used against me

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** but you have no rights

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** what i MEANT when i said i cant think straight is because im bored as fuck from camping at the training grounds for THREE HOURS

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** lmao what have u been there this entire time

**sexy uwu: ** u realise u didnt have to be there for so long right

**sexy uwu: ** im only just heading to the marketplace now

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** wait fr

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** sylvain you're so fucking sad

**draco malfoy: ** have you really just been at the training grounds alone for three hours?

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** i wasnt alone felix was here for a while but then he left

**sexy uwu: ** HE SAID IT

**girljs: ** AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

**sexy owo: ** THERE IT IS

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i cant believe he fell for that

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** LADES N GENTLEMEN… WE GOTTEM

**sleepy bitch disease: ** predictable

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** oh my god STOP MAKING THIS WEIRD

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** I'd love to stay and bully sylvain, but byleth just left the fishing pond, so can we return to this conversation later

**sexy owo: ** OH FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** id rather never return to it thank you

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** no can do buddy

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** she's heading towards the greenhouse

**girljs: ** got it, im here so ill keep u guys updated

**sexy owo: ** be subtle

**girljs: ** i will!! dw

**girljs: ** to the professor itll just look like edie and i are on a date ;) 💖

**sexy uwu: ** genius

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** lesbianism, the perfect cover

**girljs: ** aight i see byleth coming imma put my phone away for a sec

**girljs is offline.**

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** keep us updated!

**sexy owo: ** this is so intense oh my god

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i have no idea who the professors date is and to be honest i'm a little scared

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** what if it really IS seteth

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** please dont say that

**girljs is online.**

**girljs: ** alright byleth just came by, grabbed some flowers, and left

**sexy uwu: ** omg she got flowers for her date?? adorable

**girljs: ** I KNW RIGHT 💖💕💓💞

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** wow seteth is a lucky man

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** PLEASE STOP WITH THE SETETH JOKES ITS TOO SCARY TO THINK ABOUT

**draco malfoy: ** i really doubt it's seteth

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i appreciate ur optimism dimitri

**sexy owo: ** wait fuck does anyone know where byleth went next

**sleepy bitch disease: ** not at the library

**draco malfoy: ** i dont see her either

**sexy owo: ** ANYONE???

**creeper: ** Don't be concerned. I'm following her.

**sexy owo: ** ,

**girljs: ** ur what

**creeper: ** I have been for the past hour. I don't believe she's noticed me yet.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** should i be scared or impressed

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** definitely scared

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** I'm impressed

**girljs: ** hubie i knew you were the right person to ask for help!!

**draco malfoy: ** is this? something we should be praising?

**creeper: ** She is heading in the direction of the marketplace.

**sexy uwu: ** oh!! thats me

**sexy uwu: ** I SEE HER

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** god this is SO intense

**sexy uwu: ** shes got the flowers and everything omggggg

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** can you see seteth anywhere

**sexy uwu: ** nope

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** THANK GOD

**sexy uwu: ** SHES TALKING TO SOMEONE

**girljs: ** WHO IS IT

**sexy uwu: ** ITS

**sexy uwu: ** the gatekeeper???

**sexy owo: ** , who?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** is she just having conversation or is that her date???

**sexy uwu: ** SHE JUST HANDED HIM THE FLOWERS

**girljs: ** OMG

**girljs: ** wait this is the gatekeeper at the marketplace right???? i think i spoke to him once before!!!

**girljs: ** hes really sweet actually byleth has good taste 💖💖💖

**sleepy bitch disease: ** indeed, he's quite friendly

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** im just so relieved it wasnt seteth you have no idea

**sexy owo: ** god me too

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** nice I don't have to leave the school now

**draco malfoy: ** i hope the professor is happy

**sexy uwu: ** she looks happy!! shes smiling

**draco malfoy: ** is it one of her real smiles or a fake one

**sexy uwu: ** how????? am i supposed to tell????????

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** take a picture we'll be the judge

**sexy uwu: ** aight lmao

**sexy uwu: ** [ Image attachment:  _ the_only_valid_hets.png  _ ]

**draco malfoy: ** yeah thats a real smile she's happy

**girljs: ** THEYRE SO CUTE IM GONNA CRY

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** wow im jealous??

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** he makes her happy… seteth could never…

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** next time someone says seteth's name in this chat im coming for you and i will not have mercy

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** honestly? they're cute. the gatekeeper's a cool guy

**sexy owo: ** successful mission everyone i'm proud of us

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** what now?

**sexy uwu: ** what do you mean??

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** do we just leave it here? or do we… I don't know, try to follow them on the date or something? to see how it goes?

**creeper: ** I could do that. Easily.

**sexy uwu: ** tbh id be down

**girljs: ** nfdh

**girljs: ** ds8asdsdfwkrjl32./

**sexy owo: ** , dorothea????

**girljs has added Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe to the chat.**

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** you will do nothing of the sort.

**sexy owo: ** DOROTHEA

**girljs: ** IMSORRY SHE TOOK MY P HONE

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** really, you lot? following our teacher on her date?

**sexy owo: ** so this is how it ends

**sexy uwu: ** it was a good run ill miss you all

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** im too beautiful to die like this

**sleepy bitch disease: ** it was nice while it lasted

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** goodbye everyone i will be reunited with my fish family soon…

**creeper: ** Lady Edelgard, my sincerest apologies.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'm not mad. but i will be telling byleth of this- she has a right to know.

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** we really are screwed huh

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** it was for the greater good

**sexy owo: ** IT WAS DIMITRIS FAULT HE PLANNED ALL OF THIS

**draco malfoy: ** what the fuck claude

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** you're here too, dimitri? i thought better of you than this.

**draco malfoy: ** no, you didnt

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** no i didn't you're right

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** it was definitely dimitris fault blame him

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'm not blaming anyone. i'm just telling the professor, alright? i'm sure she won't mind so much, anyways.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** just don't follow her on her date.

**girljs: ** gotcha babe

**sexy uwu: ** im still counting this as a success!

**sexy owo: ** u know what?? me too

**sexy owo: ** great job everyone :)

  
  
  


**[ Shared Chatroom - 5:26 PM ]**

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** i cant BELIEVE

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** you guys STALKED the professor to find out her date

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** and DIDNT INVITE ME

**sexy owo: ** my bad

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** do you lot really have nothing better to do with your time? this is pathetic.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Yeah guys, that was super immature

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** But at least everything worked out in the end, yeah?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I won't lie… I'm very interested in hearing about the professor's date, ehe! I hope it went well!

**Jared, 19: ** I am in agreement with this! I hope she did have a good time.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** the professor will be back shortly, i'm sure you can ask her all about it.

**sexy uwu: ** so this really is the final countdown huh

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** we have mere minutes left to live

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** you guys should see dimitri rn lmfao he's so panicked

**sexy owo: ** hows his written apology going

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** hes on his fourth draft so far its five pages long

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** what a trooper

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** what an idiot.

**girljs: ** you guys are stressing too much!!! im sure byleth wont be that mad 💕

**Marianne: ** uu,, for you guys' sake, i hope so too,, ,,

**spill the tea kween is online.**

**spill the tea kween: ** Well.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** oh god here it comes

**sexy owo: ** hilda if i dont come out of this alive,

**sexy owo: ** tell lorenz hes a bottom

**sexy uwu: ** I WILL CLAUDE I W ILL

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** im right here, you know.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** ive had some time to reflect and you know what im ready to die

**spill the tea kween: ** I'm not entirely sure what to say.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** FELIX HOLD ME IM SCARED

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** you're on your own.

**draco malfoy: ** professor i am SO sorry please do not be mad. i am working on my written apology right now so if you give me just ten more minutes i can deliver it to you i promise

**spill the tea kween: ** I'm not mad, don't worry.

**girljs: ** woah really

**sexy owo: ** …...so we're NOT gonna die????

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** honestly, you guys deserve a harsher punishment than this

**spill the tea kween: ** Punishments won't be necessary.

**spill the tea kween: ** I'm sure you all won't try anything like this again, after all. And at least you were stopped before you tried to follow me on my date.

**spill the tea kween: ** So, no, I'm not mad.

**sexy uwu: ** WE LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** THANK YOU GOD

**draco malfoy: ** thank you for being fair, professor.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Professor, I'm sorry, I just have to ask!

**spill the tea kween: ** The date was lovely, Mercedes. The gatekeeper is very sweet.

**sexy uwu: ** CUTE

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I'm happy for you both!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'm glad all is well.

**Jared, 19: ** That is some very lovely news, professor! I am happy also.

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** professor please invite me to tea.

**spill the tea kween: ** Would you look at the time, I must be off.

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** ah i see.

**sexy owo: ** SHDHNSDFGHJ RIP LORENZ

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** brutal

**spill the tea kween: ** Behave yourselves while I'm gone, alright?

**sexy owo: ** will do teach!

**draco malfoy: ** of course.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'll make sure everyone stays in line.

**spill the tea kween: ** Good.

**spill the tea kween is offline.**

**girljs: ** so about that minecraft server

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stan the gatekeeper


	3. seteth the iron golem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade:** i don't regret anything. if you wish to fight me over this, dimitri, then we fight.
> 
> **haha just kidding… unless?:** YALL CHILL ITS JUST MINECRAFT AJHDSFNGHJ

**[ Shared Chatroom - 10:29 AM ]**

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** FERDINAND

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** IM GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** THIS IS REVENGE FOR FERDINAND VON AEGIR JR YOU DESERVE IT

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** can y'all keep it down I'm just tryna breed my sheep

**sleepy bitch disease: ** wow, i can hear caspar screaming

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** THIS WAS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW IM COMING FOR FERDINAND VON AEGIR JR THE SECOND

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** YOU WOULDNT DARE

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** YES I FUCKING WOULD BITCH

**sexy owo: ** can i please get a waffle

**girljs: ** i've missed this

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** if you come within 50 blocks of ferdinand von aegir jr. the second i will nuke your entire base caspar i KNOW where you live and i will not hesitate

**sleep bitch disease: ** dont do that, i live here too

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** im sorry lindhardt some sacrifices have to be made

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** I WILL SLAY FERDINAND VON AEGIR JR THE SECOND AND EVERY FERDINAND VON AEGIR JR THAT FOLLOWS

**sexy owo: ** can i PLEASE get a waffle

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** i dont even go here

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** remind me again who thought this was a good idea

**girljs: ** guilty ;)) 💖

**sexy uwu: ** lysithea you say that as if youre not super into it too

**sexy uwu: ** ive seen your elaborate redstone creations. they scare me

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** good. be afraid

**sexy uwu: ** I AM

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** buckle the fuck up ferdinand youre lucky im even bothering to give you a warning. lindhardt and i are coming for you and then youll be sorry

**sleepy bitch disease: ** leave me out of this

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** LINDHARDT I NEED YOUR SUPPORT

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Why don't we all just take a moment to calm down, yeah?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** It's just a silly video game, after all!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** THIS IS MORE THAN "JUST A SILLY VIDEO GAME" THIS IS WAR

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** THIS IS JUSTICE

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** you're getting too worked up over this, ferdinand, caspar. i only agreed to bringing the server back because you lot promised to be civil.

**girljs: ** let them brawl it out edie theyll cool off eventually 💞

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade is online.**

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** hi felix

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** who did it.

**sleepy bitch disease: ** huh

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** lmao felix u good

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** whoever it was, i WILL find you.

**oovoo javer:** wow i feel threatened and i dont even know what hes talking about??

**girljs: ** hm mood

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Felix. We cannot help you if you don't elaborate.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** i will find whoever took my diamonds and i will ruin your life.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade is offline.**

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ,

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** oh my god hes out for BLOOD

**sexy owo: ** HDJASDGHF SOMEONES GONNA DIE

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** whoever did it i both respect and fear for you

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** it should go without saying, but please restrict the violence to within the video game.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** haha thanks for the reminder edelgard i was actually planning on going and murdering caspar in his sleep :)

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** try it bitch you wont

**sexy uwu: ** claude whered you put our iron

**sexy owo: ** sorry i used it all

**sexy uwu: ** ,

**sexy uwu: ** on what

**sexy owo: ** iron golem

**sexy uwu: ** ALL OF IT???

**sexy owo: ** yeah go check in the farm haha you can see the iron golem there

**sexy owo: ** you can name him if you want :)

**sexy uwu: ** okay youre forgiven i love him

**Marianne: ** i can go collect some more iron if you guys wwant,,?

**sexy uwu: ** ur the best marianne ill come w u!!

**Marianne: ** aaaa u dont have to but thank y ou!! ;; id appreciate it

**girljs: ** see edie this is the type of pure content that the minecraft server produces, how could you be against this 💕💕💕

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i suppose you have a point.

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** i am going to kill that iron golem.

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** as revenge for the injustice of my username.

**girljs: ** oh dear

**sexy uwu: ** DONT YOU FUCKING DARE

**girljs: ** lorenz i am trying to convince my girlfriend to switch her anti-minecraft stance and you are not helping

**sexy owo: ** alright lorenz? this means war

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** implying you guys weren't already at war…

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Let's all just take a moment to calm down, please!

**draco malfoy: ** can you guys just relax and enjoy the game?

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade is online.**

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** i cant figure out who took my diamonds so i'm blaming dimitri.

**draco malfoy: ** ,

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** ASDJHDSFHG RIP

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** when in doubt, blame Dimitri

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** woah im not getting the blame for once?? nice

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** we share resources, sylvain. you'd have no reason to lie to me about it if it were you.

**girljs: ** lmfao gay

**draco malfoy: ** it wasn't me?

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** watch yourself, dimitri.

**draco malfoy: ** WHAT

  
  
  


**[ Shared Chatroom - 2:12 PM ]**

**sexy uwu: ** yo marianne, claude and i are gonna go shopping, can you defend the base for a while??

**Marianne: ** !! ill try my best,,!!

**sexy uwu: ** thx ur the best <3

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** you'd have to be a monster to attack marianne while she was alone

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i would not put it past some people here.

**sexy uwu: ** claude and i are the resident 'protect marianne' squad if any of u touch her while we're gone we're coming for u

**sexy owo: ** we'll set our iron golem on you then youll be sorry

**sexy uwu: ** yeah you dont wanna fuck with seteth the iron golem

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** ...Seteth?

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** FDSHDGJSDG SETET H THE IRON GOLEM

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** oh my god

**Jared, 19: ** That is certainly an interesting name choice!

**oovoo javer: ** ,

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** wow

**so basically, im babey:** ehhhe what a nice name!!

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** I can't believe you guys named your iron golem seteth.

**sexy uwu: ** stop hating ur all just jealous ;)))

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** u got me there chief i wish i could come up with names like that

**girljs: ** yeah lmfao u just name all ur pets ferdinand von aegir jr

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** its a flawless system??

**Marianne: ** ddont worry hilda, claude, im sure no one will aattack me while you guys are gone!! ;;;

**Marianne: ** i have,,,, , , seteth the iron golem here to protect mme after all !!

**sexy owo: ** valid point

**sexy uwu: ** marianne id die for u

**Marianne: ** please dont ;;;;;

**sexy uwu: ** no promises

**sexy uwu: ** anyways claude and i are heading out now, cya guys 😎

**girljs: ** have fun!! 💖

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** stay safe.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** hsdfhdfgj theyre just going shopping edelgard im pretty sure theyll be safe

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i have my doubts.

**sexy owo: ** ur lack of faith wounds me edelgard

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** how unfortunate.

**draco malfoy: ** have fun, you two

**sexy uwu: ** we will!!! cy'all later

**sexy uwu is offline.**

**sexy owo is offline.**

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** did she just say "cy'all"

**sleepy bitch disease: ** lmao wow

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** cy'all… hm. I don't like that

**girljs: ** YEAH…….. that was kinda cursed

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** *tips cowboy hat* cy'all ;)

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** thanks! you made it worse

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** anytime!

**girljs: ** okay ive already had enough can we stop talking about cy'all!!!!

**Jared, 19: ** Dorothea, while you are here- may I ask for your assistance?

**girljs: ** anything for u petra ily!!! 💞 whats up

**Jared, 19: ** I am currently trying to get the plants to be planted, but I keep moving on them and they turn back into dirt? How do I fix this?

**girljs: ** oh u just gotta be careful not to jump on them!! ill come help u out in a sec

**Jared, 19: ** Thank you, Dorothea! 💖

**girljs: ** ofc 💖

**draco malfoy: ** alright.

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Is everything alright, Dimitri?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** dimitri whipping out the full stops its boutta go down

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<** : we had a whole two minutes of peace, now it's back to war

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** dimitri's here to brawl

**so basically, im babey: ** ooooo!! intense

**draco malfoy: ** who blew up my storage room.

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Someone blew up your storage room?

**draco malfoy: ** yes. i have lost all my sugarcane

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** USDFHJDS OH NO NOT THE SUGARCANE

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** how will he go on……..

**oovoo javer: ** hey stop mocking him!!! the man is mourning his intense loss

**draco malfoy: ** i am not playing games. tell me which of you did this

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** he is NOT playing games huh

**haha just kidding... unless?: **wow i've never seen dimitri this intense about anything except maybe the shampoo incident

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** UFSDHDG THE SHAMPOO INCIDENT

**girljs: ** i keep hearing references to this shampoo incident and i dont understand what it is?? please someone tell me this story

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i will one day dorothea but we have more urgent matters at the moment

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** namely: dimitri is out for blood and i want to watch this go down

**Jared, 19: ** He is out for blood..? Is blood not on the inside of our bodies?

**girljs: ** its a saying petra, ill dm u the explanation alright?? 💕

**Jared, 19: ** I would appreciate this, thank you!

**draco malfoy: ** i won't ask again, who did it

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** wasn't me i'm too busy planning to kill caspar

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** come at me i'm ready

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i know i will naturally be a suspect, but i would like to say it wasn't me.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** wasnt me either lmao

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** I am not sure who is behind this, Dimitri, but I will do my absolute best to track them down.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** there's no need. it was me.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh… oh, dear.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** USDFJHFDGJ FELIX

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** OH MY GOD

**girljs: ** THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN………

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** I wish Claude and Hilda were here right now, they would be losing their minds

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** nevermind them I'M losing my mind holy shit

**draco malfoy: ** felix.

**sleepy bitch disease: ** wow, he's serious about this

**Marianne: ** ehhh hh guys pplease dont actually get mad at each other its!! rlly just a game ;;;;

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Felix. I'm disappointed in you.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Hey, now, Marianne's right. It's just a game!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** u die in the game u die in real life

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** stop.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** i don't regret anything. if you wish to fight me over this, dimitri, then we fight.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** YALL CHILL ITS JUST MINECRAFT AJHDSFNGHJ

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** just minecraft?? you absolute fool

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** you guys are getting very worked up over this. i hate to repeat myself, but please, don't take this too far.

**draco malfoy: ** then we fight, felix. sleep with one eye open.

**draco malfoy: ** dedue, meet me in the dining hall. we have plans to make.

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Of course.

**draco malfoy is offline.**

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree??? is offline.**

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** what just happened

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** this is sad to watch

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** sylvain. training grounds. five minutes.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade is offline.**

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ,

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** what

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** u heard the man, training grounds five minutes

**girljs: ** enjoy ur date sylvain!!!! 💕💕

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** its?? not?? a date???

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** plotting dimitri's minecraft murder… what a romantic date

**girljs: ** ugh goals

**Marianne: ** hhave fun sylvain,,!!

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ITS NOT A DATE YOU FUCKERS

**haha just kidding… unless? is offline.**

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** there he goes

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** aat this rate everyones going to be fightign with eahc other, ,, eeeee please dontattack me//

**girljs: ** its ok bern us black eagles girls gotta stick together!! ill watch out for u 💕

**Jared, 19: ** I will also!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** aa,,, , yyou guys donthave to but thank you ;;;;;;//

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe:** the amount of conflict stemming from this game is very concerning… i would appreciate it if the rest of you tried to remain civil.

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** i'm coming to kill that iron golem while claude and hilda aren't here.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** what did i JUST say.

**Marriane: ** EHH LORENZ PLEASE DONT ;;;;;

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** you have been warned.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** wow attacking while just marianne is there?? thats a low blow

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** admittedly, she is not my intended target, but this is the safest time for me to strike. i won't pass up this oppurtunity.

**Marianne: ** nno really please dont i dont want to fight in this game ;;;

**girljs: ** marianne give me ur coords im coming to defend u

**Marianne: ** rreally??? i'll dm you thank you,,,

**girljs: ** ofc i gotta protect my girls 💕💕💕

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I'll come help you too, Marianne!

**girljs: ** LEGENDS SUPPORTING LEGENDS 💖

**girljs: ** lorenz this is ur time to reconsider u cant take all of us ;))) ✨✨✨

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** i will not reconsider unless i get a name change.

**girljs: ** well then ur going down

**girljs:** @Jared, 19 @I haven't seen the sun in 84 years pls defend our base while im gone ladies 💖

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** iiiill do my best !!/ imsorry if i fail

**girljs: ** dw u wont fail bernie ive seen u with a bow in minecraft… ur fierce

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** ive experienced bernadettas minecraft rage firsthand. terrifying

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** i still get flashbacks. dont fuck with bernadetta youll regret it

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** imsorry ;;;;

**girljs: ** dont apologize queen u got this!!!

**Jared, 19: ** I will do my best to defend as well!

**girljs: ** thank u queen

**girljs: ** @Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe pls watch over our mooshroom son!! 💖💖💖

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i will do so with pride.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** ur… ur what

**girljs: ** edie and i have a mooshroom hes our son and we love him

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** does he have a name??

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** he doesn't need one. he is perfect even without one.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** o….. okay??

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I must say, it's rare to see Edelgard's affectionate side! ...Even if it is for just a mooshroom.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** he isn't just a mooshroom.

**girljs: ** he is our son!!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Aw, that's sweet!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'll protect our son with my life while you are gone, dorothea. good luck on your journey.

**sleepy bitch disease: ** you're all acting so dramatic about… minecraft

**sleepy bitch disease: ** you realise she's not heading out to war or anything, right?

**girljs: ** no this IS war and im ready to fight

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** this is indeed war- one i plan to win.

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** seteth the iron golem is going down.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I do wish we didn't have to resort to fighting… Marianne, I'll be at your base soon, alright?

**Marianne: ** rlly thank you both ;;;;

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Annette, Ingrid, Ashe, watch over our sheep while I'm gone! I'd hope no one would raid our base, we really don't have anything special…

**so basically, im babey: ** i'll defend our 15 iron ingots with my life mercedes!!!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** That's the spirit!

**creeper: ** I'm inclined to agree with Lindhardt's earlier statement. You are all making a very big deal over a very small game.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** says the person who went mining for diamonds for five hours straight then screamed at the top of his lungs when he fell into lava

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** USDFHSDH HE WHAT

**creeper: ** That did not happen.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** SO THATS WHAT THAT NOISE WAS

**creeper: ** This is untrue.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Uh-huh

  
  
  


**[ Shared Chatroom - 3:04 PM ]**

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** it is time for seteth the iron golem to breathe his last breath.

**girljs: ** come at us we're ready

**Marianne: ** oor we could just talk this out?,, ;;

**girljs: ** im sorry marianne but this is war. just remember we are fighting for seteth the iron golem

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏:** I'm sure it won't last long, anyways! It's us three against Lorenz, after all…

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏:** I hope that doesn't make it an unfair fight!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** theres no fairness in war so its okay

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** everyone place your bets now whos gonna win

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<:** wow, I wonder

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** lmfao lorenz is gonna get his ass kicked there's no question

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** are you all really still going on about this?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** of course they are edelgard whatd you expect

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i suppose i was hoping for some maturity.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** some what

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** edelgard you should know better than to hope for that lol

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** this is getting tiring, fast.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** @Marianne @girljs I believe I see Lorenz's nametag! He has arrived.

**sleepy bitch disease: ** he has arrived… how ominous

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** it's about to go DOWN

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** and im not talking about lorenz vs seteth the iron golem 

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** :)

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** ,

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** CASPAR YOU BITCH

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** :)

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** ...what just happened? I saw the message that ferdinand died in the game chat

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** OH MY GOD

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FELL TODAY

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** FERDINAND VON AEGIR JR THE SECOND… HAS LOST HIS LIFE

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** wait what the fuck is happening i thought we were talking about lorenz

**sleep bitch disease: ** caspar killed ferdinand and his parrot

**so basically, im babey: ** aw, not the parrot.. :c

**sleepy bitch disease: ** f

**so basically, im babey: ** f!

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** F

**girljs: ** f

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** I WILL AVENGE FERDINAND VON AEGIR JR AND FERDINAND VON AEGIR JR THE SECOND IF ITS THE LAST THING I DO

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** TRY IT ASSHOLE YOU WONT

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** ILL JUST BLOW YOU UP AGAIN IT WAS FUCKING EASY

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** FUCKING FIGHT ME I WONT GO DOWN SO EASILY AGAIN

**girljs: ** omg i want to watch this go down but i also want to fight lorenz.. im torn

**Marianne: ** EE I FORGOT ABOUT LORENZ IS HE HERE YET

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Marianne, Dorothea… I don't believe we have any reason to worry.

**Marriane: ** eeh rlly?? ;;

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Look at Seteth the iron golem.

**girljs: ** ,

**girljs: ** OH MY GOD

**Marriane: ** OH

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** would you guys mind explaining what's going on for the sake of the people who aren't currently standing next to you in minecraft? I'm curious lol

**girljs: ** LORENZ IS GETTING FUCKED UP BY SETETH THE IRON GOLEM

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** LMAO FOR REAL?

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** it appears i have miscalculated.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** this is gold

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Ah, I hope it's not too rude to say this is a little funny to watch!

**girljs: ** im crying yo he didnt stand a chance

**Marianne: ** ahh,, , i guess i was worried about nothing after all

**girljs: ** aaaaaand hes dead

**sleepy bitch disease: ** f

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** f

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** F

**oovoo javer: ** f

**so basically, im babey: ** f!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** F!

**Marianne: ** f,,

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** dorothea, mercedes, marianne- i don't suppose any of you three would return to me the items dropped upon my death?

**girljs: ** absolutely not, this is mariannes base so these items legally belong to her now

**Marianne: ** r,, rlly?? ;;

**girljs: ** ofc its all urs 💖

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** you haven't seen the last of me. seteth the iron golem will die by my hand- i will make sure of it.

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :( is offline.**

**oovoo javer: ** he sounds like a disney movie villain??

**so basically, im babey: ** ohh, you're right!! he does sound like one :o

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** This is a little more intense than a Disney movie, though!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** the only disney movie villain here is going to be me when i destroy caspar and everything he holds dear

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** as amusing as this is to witness, it's getting out of hand- and i'm getting tired of repeating myself.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** all of you, behave yourselves from now on. i don't want to see any more of this fighting.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** in case you had forgotten, the professor has access to this chat, and can witness all of you being ridiculous.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'll say it one last time- all of you, grow up.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe is offline.**

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** is she actually mad?

**girljs: ** dw she'll cool down eventually 💖 if not i can talk to her!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Ah, I had forgotten the professor was in this chat…

**spill the tea kween is online.**

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** how does she magically appear every time we talk about her

**girljs: ** its her sixth professor sense

**so basically, im babey: ** hello, professor!!

**spill the tea kween: ** Hello, all of you. I heard you were playing Minecraft?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** hell yeah we are

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** oh no is she gonna kick our ass

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** just remember, when in doubt blame dimitri

**girljs: ** sfdhdfnfhds hes not even here and ur gonna throw him under the bus like that… brutal

**spill the tea kween: ** Ah, no, I wasn't planning on kicking any ass today.

**spill the tea kween: ** I'd actually like to join you all in this game, someday. It sounds like quite the experience.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh! That sounds like a lovely idea, professor!

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** why do I get the feeling byleth would be absolutely terrifying in minecraft?

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** she'd kill all of you instantly. i'm sure i could take her, though

**spill the tea kween: ** I'm more interested in the fishing aspect of the game than the killing, actually.

**girljs: ** SFHJGDFSJSFHGSDJ OF COURSE

  
  
  


**[ Shared Chatroom - 4:39 PM ]**

**sexy uwu: ** [ Image attachment: [twinning.png](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/329096103217856523/611881489377918986/ashjsddh.png) _ _ ]

**sexy uwu: ** its ya bois!!!! we went shoppin

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** what is claude doing???

**sexy owo: ** secret sign of the golden deer

**sexy uwu: ** ✋😎🤚

**sexy owo: ** ✋😎🤚

**girljs: ** YALL….. GORGEOUS 💕💕💕

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** You two look like you're enjoying your shopping- I'm glad!

**Marianne: ** ✋😎🤚

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** ✋😎🤚

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** ✋😎🤚

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** dont you guys ever get tired of your weird cult shit?

**sexy owo: ** of course not who do you think we are

**draco malfoy is online.**

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** hey dimitri

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** wow do u guys think dimitri was summoned by the weird hand gestures

**draco malfoy: ** hi ingrid

**draco malfoy: ** what do you mean, sylvain?

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** like… u returned the gesture not once, but twice… and now as soon as they all started doing it, u came online……. maybe ur bound to the golden deer now. maybe whenever they do their weird hand sign thing youll sense it and come online

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** do you ever read your messages before you send them

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** of course not

**sexy uwu: ** its not a "weird hand sign thing" its the secret sign of the golden deer thank u very much!!

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** my bad! dimitri maybe you were summoned by the secret sign of the golden deer

**sexy uwu: ** much better :)

**girljs: ** nah i bet he was summoned by claude coming online

**draco malfoy: ** what

**girljs: ** nothing!!!!!

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade is online.**

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** dimitri.

**draco malfoy: ** felix.

**sexy owo: ** ,

**sexy owo: ** what the fuck is happening are you guys okay

**Marianne: ** ahhh you guys have missed a lot while you were out,,,

**sexy uwu: ** oh god please tell me seteth the iron golem is okay???

**Marianne: ** yyes!! hes fine ;;;

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Hilda, Claude, you two really have missed a lot- I'll DM you both and fill you in, alright?

**sexy uwu: ** thanks mercedes!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Of course!

**draco malfoy: ** the time of your downfall is near, felix. you will regret destroying my sugarcane.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** JSDNSDGS YALL PLEASE CHILL

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** as you will regret stealing my diamonds, dimitri.

**draco malfoy: ** I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR FUCKING DIAMONDS

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** YOURE ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO KNEW WHERE MY BASE WAS AND SYLVAIN OR INGRID WOULDNT HAVE FUCKING DONE IT

**Marianne: ** AHH YOU GUYS ;; PLS CALM DOWN

**sleepy bitch disease: ** dear god

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** ive literally never seen them so mad in my life

**sexy uwu: ** ALRIGHT MERCEDES JUST CAUGHT ME UP

**sexy uwu: ** LORENZ YOU MOTHERFUCKER HOW DARE YOU THREATEN MARIANNE AND SETETH THE IRON GOLEM

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** i will not apologize.

**Jared, 19: ** Oh, dear- this is getting very 'out of hand', as I believe the saying is!

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** fuck this, fuck the plan, dimitri i'm coming to kill you right fucking now.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ah shit guess i gotta go too then

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Try it. We will cut you down.

**draco malfoy: ** dedue, get our horses. we will meet them halfway to battle.

**sexy owo: ** what timeline is this. where am i

**girljs: ** im starting to see edie's point sdhjgsfdsd yall are way too intense

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Does everyone just want to take a few deep breaths to calm down?

**so basically, im babey: ** that sounds like a good idea!! :o

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** I'm outta here, someone call me when you guys stop being stupid

**sexy uwu: **hey lorenz send me ur coords i just wanna talk

**Marianne: ** hilda pplease its fine seteth the iron golem is okay ;;;;;;

**sexy uwu: ** im sorry marianne but i am fighting not only for seteth the iron golem, but my pride and dignity as well

**Marianne: ** aah i see,,??

**girljs: ** thats the spirit hilda!!!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** hhhhhhhhe y dor othea?? um

**girljs: ** are you alright, bern???

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** i think isee peoplecoming for our base/

**girljs: ** WAIT WHO IS IT???

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** um theyre

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** ttheyre coming from both sides iii

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** think irecognise felixand dimitris nametags,,>???

**girljs: ** youve gotta be fucking kidding me

**girljs: ** CANT YOU GUYS FIGHT SOMEWHERE ELSE

**draco malfoy: ** no.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** no.

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** This is a convienient location. We will fight here.

**Jared, 19: ** Oh, dear… how is it that our base happened to be where they would meet?

**Jared, 19: ** I do hope that they do not end up destroying anything of our belongings!

**girljs: ** , 

**girljs: ** the fuckers just placed tnt

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** how does it feel to have your base blown up HUH dorothea

**girljs: ** FUCK IT LADIES WE'RE JOINING THE FIGHT

**girljs: ** BERN YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** on it !!!!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** now you lot have done it.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** oh my god YOU GUYS WERENT KIDDING WHEN YOU SAID SHE WAS GOOD WITH A BOW

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** there goes three of my wolves ill miss them

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** IMREALLYSORRY

**draco malfoy: ** dedue, cover me while i place the last of my tnt.

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Of course.

**girljs: ** or you could Not Do That

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Ah… you guys take this game very seriously, you know that?...

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** just sit back and watch it burn mercedes theres nothing we can do

**sexy owo: ** JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND WATCH ME BURN

**draco malfoy: ** but thats alright because i like the way it hurts

**sexy owo: ** ,

**sexy uwu: ** H

**sexy uwu: ** NFHASDMSDFGHSJKFADSGJAKSDGSDFK

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** OH MY GOD DIMITRI LMAO

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** in the middle of an intense minecraft battle and yet he'll still spare a moment for rihanna

**sexy owo: ** dimitri you absolute legend i knew i could count on you to not leave me hanging

**draco malfoy: ** cant talk, i'm about to blow up this whole place

**girljs: ** THATS OUR BASE WE HAVENT DONE ANYTHING WRONG???

**Jared, 19: ** Please, we can talk through this!

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** dimitri if you don't light that fucking tnt i will.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** i'm so glad bernadetta shot me down earlier this fight sounds way too intense to be a part of

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** imrlly sorry for killi ng you sylvain ;;;;;

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** hey dont sweat it ;)

**draco malfoy: ** if doing this lags the server, i apologize in advance.

**girljs: ** ,

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ,

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** e

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Ah.

**Jared, 19: ** My screen just turned a white colour… is this supposed to be happening?

**girljs: ** IT CRASHED MY GAME

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** hm. mine as well.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** im not even near you guys and my game crashed what the fuck how much tnt did you guys place

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** my ggame crashed too ;;;

**sexy owo: ** i cannot believe this

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh…

**girljs: ** i restarted my game

**girljs: ** oh my gosh. our entire base. gone.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe is online.**

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** what happened now?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** dimitri and felix brawled too hard and broke minecraft

**girljs: ** edie they blew up our base and crashed the game :((

**draco malfoy: ** i suppose there were no winners in this war.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** yeah because you guys killed everyone??

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** hm.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i see.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** edelgardplease dont be mmad ..

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'm not mad, actually. have you all cooled off, now?

**draco malfoy: ** yeah i think i'm good, i can forgive felix for destroying my sugarcane

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** as am i. i'm sorry for wrongfully accusing you of taking my diamonds, dimitri.

**draco malfoy: ** apology accepted.

**sexy uwu: ** lorenz i think you learned your lesson the first time you tried to fuck with seteth the iron golem, so im not gonna hunt you down and kill you anymore

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** and i apologize for attempting to kill seteth in the first place.

**sexy uwu: ** its all good!!!

**Marianne: ** ahhh, im really happy we could all make up in the end ;;;

**sexy owo: ** its our golden deer solidarity!

**sexy owo: ** ✋😎🤚

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** ✋😎🤚

**Marianne: ** ✋😎🤚

**sexy uwu: ** ✋😎🤚

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I'm glad you guys made up!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** ugh while we're apologizing

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** sorry about your birds ferdinand

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** caspar ill never forgive you for what you did to ferdinand von aegir jr and ferdinand von aegir jr the second…

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** but i suppose i can be peaceful with you

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** cool

**draco malfoy: ** oh- dorothea, edelgard, petra, bernadetta. sorry about your base. i can help you guys rebuild, if you like?

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** i also played a part in blowing up their base, so i'll also help with the reconstruction.

**Jared, 19: ** That would be much appreciated!

**girljs: ** thanks guys, its all good 💖💖💖

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** wait a second.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** dorothea, is he okay?

**girljs: ** who???

**girljs: ** OH

**girljs: ** OH FUCK

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** DOROTHEA IS HE OKAY

**draco malfoy: ** edelgard?

**so basically, im babey: ** what are you guys talking about???? :o

**girljs: ** HONEY ICANT SEE HIM

**girljs: ** oh

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** dorothea?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** dorothea. please tell me he's okay.

**girljs: ** edie honey im so sorry

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** no…

**girljs: ** i found his remains

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** wh. what the fuck is going on

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** i thought the insanity was over.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ...his remains?

**girljs: ** leather, raw beef, and red mushrooms are all that remain of our son, edelgard…

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh… I see now.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** now you guys have done it. you killed their fucking mooshroom

**draco malfoy: ** i'm so sorry.

**girljs: ** as heartbreaking as this is… there are some sacrifices that have to be made in war, right, edie?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ,

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** you know what?

**girljs: ** edie??

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** fuck this. fuck all of you. i've been trying to keep you all in line for the past few hours and it's fucking useless. i'm done with being nice.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** watch yourselves. i'm not holding back anymore.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe is offline.**

**girljs: ** ,

**draco malfoy: ** ah

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh, my...

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** WOW

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** SHE SNAPPED, YOUR HONOR

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** im not fucking scared of her

**Jared, 19: ** Oh no...

**girljs: ** JSDFJH WOW I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** just when we thought the war was over

**so basically, im babey: ** oh man!!

**sleepy bitch disease: ** hm. i do hope she calms down eventually, or else this whole minecraft conflict really will get out of hand.

**sexy owo: ** sdfasdgsfdj this is so wild

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Well, I'm going to head off now, everyone! It's been nice talking to you all today.

**so basically, im babey: ** cya mercedes!!

**Jared, 19: ** Goodbye, Mercedes!

**draco malfoy: ** bye mercedes

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Goodbye!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏 is offline.**

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** im signing out too, this has been one hell of a day

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** where are you going, sylvain?

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** i dunno?? dining hall to eat dinner i guess

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** cool. i'll join you.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ,

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** oh okay see you there!

**haha just kidding… unless? is offline.**

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade is offline.**

**girljs: ** speaking of being gay

**girljs: ** im gonna go talk to my beautiful lovely terrifying girlfriend!!! behave while i'm gone alright?? 💖

**sexy owo: ** no promises

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** I think there's been more than enough chaos for one day. talk to you guys tomorrow?

**sleepy bitch disease: ** goodnight everyone

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** lindhardt its afternoon

**sleepy bitch disease: ** gnight

**so basically, im babey: ** cya everyone tomorrow!!

**sexy uwu: ** cy'all tomorrow :)

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** oh my fucking god she said cy'all again

  
  
  


**[ Shared Chatroom - 10:56 AM ]**

**draco malfoy: ** who did this.

**sexy owo: ** HOLY SHIT

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** i dont know what i was expecting to wake up to but this was not it

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** OH MY GOD

**sexy uwu: ** whoever it was thank u for sparing seteth the iron golem even if you destroyed literally EVERYTHING ELSE

**girljs: ** djhfasdghsdfj i havent logged onto the server yet, what happened??

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I believe everyone woke up to all of their stuff having been destroyed…?

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** what the fuck.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** WHOEVER DID THIS FUCK YOU

**sleepy bitch disease: ** mm. who would have the time and dedication to bother with something like this

**sexy owo: ** I CANT BELIEVE THIS

**Marianne: ** aaa,, ,, hildas right at least seteth was spared ;;;;

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** ALL MY BACKUP BIRDS.. DEAD

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** rrleally?? everything was destroyed,,,,????/

**girljs: ** holy shit theyre right its all gone

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** hm.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** who did this.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** what the fuck is this

**draco malfoy: ** i have a guess.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe is online.**

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** it was me.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i won't apologize. i was avenging my son.

**girljs: ** EDIE…………… i love u

**draco malfoy: ** ah, there it is.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** sdfhjgj brutal

**sexy owo: ** tbh im impressed that takes dedication

**Marianne: ** tthank you for sparing seteth the iirongolem…,

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** FUCK YOU EDELGARD

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** what the hell, edelgard.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Perhaps this is a good time to move on from Minecraft…

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** yeah i second that, it was fun while it lasted at least

**creeper: ** I agree.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** m,, maybe ill just stick to singleplayer ffrom now on ehheee

**girljs: ** yeah im gonna close the server

**girljs: ** i have fun playing w u all!!! 💖💖💖 even if it went to shit in the end

**Marianne: ** ii had fun too,,!!!

**draco malfoy: ** as did i. perhaps we can revisit this game in the future, once we've all matured.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** yeah we're clearly too immature to play an adult game like minecraft

**sexy uwu: ** ill miss seteth the iron golem when the server's closed…. but its for the best

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** I have no problem with moving on from the game. In my opinion, it was quite the waste of time.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WASTE OF TIME WHILE IT LASTED….

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'm glad we're finally moving past this ridiculous game.

**Jared, 19: ** I also have the belief it would be best if we moved on from this game! But I would like to thank Dorothea for taking the time to show it to me.

**girljs: ** ILY PETRA!!!!!

**girls: ** alright server's officially closed everyone… can we get one last f

**so basically, im babey: ** f!!!

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** f

**Jared, 19: ** F!

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** F.

**Marianne: ** f,,!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** F  **✨**

**draco malfoy: ** f

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** f!

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** f.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** f…..

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** fff

**sleepy bitch disease: ** f

**sexy owo: ** f

**sexy uwu: ** f!!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** f.

  
  
  


**[ Shared Chatroom - 12:07 PM ]**

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** you know, i still don't know who took my fucking diamonds.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** maybe there are some mysteries better left unsolved

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** maybe you're right.

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy uwu -> sexy owo - 12:09 PM ]**

**sexy uwu: ** it was you who took felix's diamonds wasnt it

**sexy owo: ** of course it was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry this entire chapter was just minecraft it ended up being longer than i expected?? also im planning on drawing smth every couple of chapters starting with this one!! because im way more dedicated to this than i should be SDJHASDHFGDS
> 
> i have a twitter (https://twitter.com/springbutbetter), please talk to me about fire emblem


	4. simpleton pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole:** hold the fuck up
> 
> **say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole:** how did you guys fuck up a MICROWAVE if you were making PANCAKES
> 
> **girljs:** SHUT UPPPP WE DONT KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING JSDFNBDFNS
> 
> **say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole:** CLEARLY???

**[ Black Eagles Chatroom - 2:21 PM ]**

**girljs: ** hey anyone in this chat know how to cook

**Jared, 19: ** Why are you asking, Dorothea?

**sleepy bitch disease: ** what did you do

**girljs: ** edie and i tried cooking but we are just simple lesbians and now everything is on fire

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** of course

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** fucking geniuses

**Jared, 19: ** Ah… I see! This is not so good.

**Jared, 19: ** I am not the best with cooking, but I am able to offer my assistance!

**girljs: ** ty petra!! 💖 we need all the help we can get

**sleepy bitch disease: ** i'll bring the fire extinguisher

**girljs: ** lindhardt ur a legend thank u!!

**sleepy bitch disease: ** no problem

**creeper: ** Is Lady Edelgard alright?

**girljs: ** no hubie she's on fire thats why im texting you guys nonchalantly instead of extinguishing my burning girlfriend

**creeper: ** Of course you would resort to unnecessary sarcasm.

**girljs: ** yeah u know me so well ;))

**girljs: ** ,

**girljs: ** oh FUCK

**creeper: ** What did you do.

**girljs: ** i think we blew up the microwave??

**girljs: ** its…… making a noise i dont think microwaves are supposed to make

**girljs: ** and its sparking

**girljs: ** uh lindhardt we're gonna need that fire extinguisher!!!

**sleepy bitch disease: ** on it

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** ugh if linhardts going i might as well tag along

**Jared, 19: ** Are Edelgard and yourself alright, Dorothea?

**girljs: ** sfdmhfgfsdjkgfsdk dw about us we're fine!!!

**girljs: ** cant say the same about the microwave though

**creeper: ** Hm. So you're incompetent.

**girljs: ** hubie are u gonna come help us or not :(((

**creeper: ** I will, but only to ensure Lady Edelgard's safety.

**girljs: ** im flattered

**girljs: ** anyone else wanna come join this disaster??? the more the merrier

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** well, if you INSIST, i suppose i could help you guys out :)

**girljs: ** thx ferdie we owe u one :)

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** what were you guys even cooking anyways

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe is online.**

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** pancakes.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** ,

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** at 2pm????

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** isnt that a breakfast food???

**girljs: ** every hour is pancake hour ferdie!!! stop judging us we were hungry

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** no im gonna judge, what the fuck

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** hold the fuck up

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** how did you guys fuck up a MICROWAVE if you were making PANCAKES

**girljs: ** SHUT UPPPP WE DONT KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING JSDFNBDFNS

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** CLEARLY???

**creeper: ** This is absurd.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** ee hhey whats happening,,??/

**girljs: ** chaos

**creeper: ** Dorothea ruined the kitchen.

**girljs: ** not to throw her under the bus or anything but edie's here too and as my girlfriend she will take equal blame

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** indeed, this was partially my fault.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** iii wont be ofmuch help but can i come tothe kitchen too??? jjusti ncase

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** ican um

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** watch from a ddistance or so mething

**girljs: ** ofc u can bern!! 💖💖💖

**sleepy bitch disease: ** wow, you weren't kidding when you said everything was on fire

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** what the FUCK you guys what kinda pancakes were you making

**Jared, 19: ** Indeed… this is much of a mess.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** EEEe whyis everythingg burning imtoo young to ddiee

**girljs: ** its not that bad!!!!

**girljs: ** u guys think we can clean this up in time before anyone notices???

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** probably not. but we could always try and pin the blame on someone else.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** dont even fucking try to frame me i have screenshotted this whole conversation as proof that this was not my fault

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** a pity.

**girljs: ** fuck there goes that plan!!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** lets just fucking run for it this is a lost cause

**creeper: ** Do you not intend on even trying to fix the state of the kitchen?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** the school can clean up the mess. we should head out before it gets any worse.

**girljs: ** wait i have an idea!!

**sleepy bitch disease: ** oh no

**girljs: ** ive been practicing my magic recently let me see if i can magic this kitchen back to normal 💖

**Jared, 19: ** Dorothea, I do not have any doubt for your abilities… but is this a smart idea?

**girljs: ** dw petra i got this!!!

**sleepy bitch disease: ** wait, don't you only have fire magic tomes?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** aah maybe we should jjust

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** ,

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** oh

**girljs: ** i

**girljs: ** i have made a severe and continous lapse in my judgment

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** OH MY FUCKING GOD

**sleepy bitch disease: ** wow. we're going to need another fire extinguisher

**creeper: ** Are you fucking kidding me? Now look at what you've done.

**girljs: ** IM SORRY I PANICKED

**girljs: ** CAN WE ALL JUST LEAVE BEFORE WE BURN TO DEATH

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** HHHHI DONTWAN T TO DIE LIKE THISSS IMSCARED

**girljs: ** JDFNBS BERN ILL CARRY YOU OUT

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** tthankyou

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** yes, let's leave before we make this even worse.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** pretty fucking sure we cant make it even worse

**girljs: ** im sorry okay!!!!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** wow, the school is going to need a whole new kitchen after this

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** lets get out of here, i can barely see or breathe with all the smoke

**creeper: ** This is truly pathetic.

**Jared, 19: ** I am worrying about having left the kitchen like this… but, if you all believe if is the better thing to do, I shall be following you all.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** alright lets hurry up and get the FUCK out of here then

**sleepy bitch disease: ** mm, lets go

**girljs: ** black eagles roll out!!!!!!!

  
  
  


**[ Golden Deer Chatroom - 2:36 PM ]**

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** What was that noise?

**sexy owo: ** the explosion??

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** the what?????

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** what did you guys do.

**sexy owo: ** FSDHHASD THIS WASNT ME THIS TIME

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** doubt

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** doubt.

**Marianne: ** ddoubt,,

**sexy uwu: ** dfjssfdg even mariannes calling u out claude that says a lot

**sexy owo: ** IT REALLY WASNT ME

**sexy owo: ** hilda you know if i was blowing things up youd be invited

**sexy uwu: ** hm fair

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** well, if it wasn't Claude- what was it?

**sexy owo: ** well i heard a loud noise, saw smoke coming from the dining hall, then saw the entire black eagles house running for their lives

**sexy owo: ** but haha who knows maybe they were completely three unrelated events :)

**Moto Moto: ** The dinning hall ? :(

**sexy uwu: ** oh my fucking god

**Marianne: ** ooh dear,, ,,

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Oh my god, those fucking idiots.

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** wow. and I thought they were the responsible house

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** is the dining hall okay???? or is it on fire :c

**sexy owo: ** haha okay give me a sec to run into a burning building and survey the damage :)

**sexy uwu: ** u got this bro

**Marianne: ** wwait hes nnot

**Marianne: ** hhes not,, actually doing that right ;;;

**sexy owo: ** whew there is a lot of smoke in here thats for sure

**sexy uwu: ** ,

**Marianne: ** OOH NO

**sexy uwu: ** CLAUDE GET OUT OF THERE

**sexy uwu: ** I WAS JOKING GET OUT OF THE BURNING BUILDING

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** claude thats dangerous????

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Claude you fucking imbecile

**sexy uwu: ** claude ur my best fucking friend get ur ass out of that building right now or else i will run in there and drag you out of it myself

**Moto Moto: ** Is the kitchen damaged,?

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** RAPHAEL NOW IS NOT THE TIME.

**sexy owo: ** JFSDSDGH YALL CHILL

**sexy owo: ** its mostly smoke from what i can tell, if there was any actual fire its gone by now

**sexy owo: ** i think they must have been in the kitchen and fucked something up because it is not a pretty scene in there

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** lmao, wow.

**Moto Moto: ** :(

**Marianne: ** a,, are you out of the building yet cclaude ;;

**sexy owo: ** hdfsdfsj yeah dw im out

**sexy uwu: ** dont ever do that again you fucker

**sexy owo: ** aw thanks hilda im glad you care :)

**sexy uwu: ** im going to murder you in your sleep

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** I'll join you, hilda

**Marianne: ** uum

**Marianne: ** wwhat do we do about this?? should we tell someone;;;

**sexy owo: ** i say we say nothing and watch what happens

**sexy uwu: ** agreed

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** sounds like a plan.

**Marianne: ** ooh,, alright tthen! !! ;;

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** lmaoo, this will be fun to watch it play out

**sexy uwu: ** anyone wanna make popcorn

**sexy owo: ** id love to but in case you had forgotten the kitchen has been destroyed

**sexy uwu: ** ah fuck u right

  
  
  


**[ Blue Lions Chatroom - 3:01 PM ]**

**draco malfoy: ** so i'm sure you've all heard of what happened.

**draco malfoy: ** i'm not sure who is behind this, but if it was any of you, please tell me.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** what are you talking about??

**draco malfoy: ** didn't you hear?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** no??

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** lol is this about the kitchen 

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** what happened with the kitchen???

**draco malfoy: ** it's been destroyed.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Ah… pardon?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** what

**draco malfoy: ** we're not sure who or how, but some students seem to have had a cooking mishap and left the kitchen entirely destroyed.

**draco malfoy: ** as in, it is now unusable.

**draco malfoy: ** i believe the microwave exploded.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** WHAT

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** what the fuck?? what are we supposed to eat now??

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh, dear..! How and when did you hear of this, Dimitri, Sylvain?

**draco malfoy: ** claude told me about ten minutes ago.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** and i just saw the smoke coming from the dining hall and guessed something had happened

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Ah, I see…

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Well, I've been with Annette and Ashe for the past hour, and I can safely say that it was none of us!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** pretty sure no one would suspect you guys anyways

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Ah, I'm glad you have faith in us! Still, I wanted to be able to prove our innocence.

**draco malfoy: ** thank you mercedes

**draco malfoy: ** sylvain, ingrid, was it either of you?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i know how to cook lol i wouldnt have been dumb enough to ruin the kitchen

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** wasnt me, i dont even cook my own meals :)

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** weird flex but okay

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** ;))

**draco malfoy: ** well. i hope we find who it was, and soon.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** in the meantime how are we supposed to get food if the kitchen's out of commission???

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** is the school gonna organize some sort of alternative for us???

**draco malfoy: ** i'm sure they will. they can't just let us starve, after all.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Well… we don't just have to rely on the school to feed ourselves, right?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Perhaps we could all go out to dinner at a restaurant somewhere! I think it could be a nice group activity, ehe.

**draco malfoy: ** once again, thank you, mercedes, for being the voice of reason. that sounds like a lovely idea

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I'm glad you agree!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** that sounds great but im broke as fuck

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Ah, I have some savings, so don't worry! I don't mind paying.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** sounds great

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i couldnt ask you to do that mercedes

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** ,

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** SYLVAIN

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** WHAT??? SHE OFFERED

**draco malfoy: ** perhaps we can just go somewhere cheap? i can pitch in some money too.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** where do you guys get money from what the fuck

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** not all of us waste our money on dumb shit like you, sylvain.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** hi felix nice of you to join us :)

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** i have been here the whole time.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** and you didnt say anything???

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** yes.

**draco malfoy: ** are you the one behind the kitchen destruction, felix?

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** no.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** convincing defence u got there

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** i'm not going to waste my time by arguing a case that doesn't need to be argued. if you don't want to believe me, go ahead, but you have no evidence to suggest that i could be the one behind this.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** it would have been funnier if you just said "no." a second time

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Well… he has a point, I suppose.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Dimitri, don't push yourself to find the culprit, alright? I'm sure it was no one in the Blue Lions, and even if it was, they'd come forwards soon enough.

**draco malfoy: ** i'd hope so

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** yeah this definitely seems like something the golden deer would do

**draco malfoy: ** claude would have told me if he were behind this

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** dimitri this may come as a shock to you but there are more people in the golden deer than just claude

**draco malfoy: ** i'm aware of that. 

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** yeah but are you really

**draco malfoy: ** yes??

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Anyways! Does anyone have any ideas for where we should go for dinner?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** are we inviting the other houses??

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** why would we do that.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** idk maybe they want to fucking eat food as well

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** can we go to mcdonalds

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** why are your suggestions always shit sylvain

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** DIDNT WE SAY WE SHOULD GO SOMEWHERE CHEAP

**draco malfoy: ** i think we should invite the other houses

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** of course you would think so.

**draco malfoy: ** whats that supposed to mean??

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Can you all please go one moment without fighting?

**draco malfoy: ** sorry mercedes

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** ah sorry mom

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** sorry.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** sorry mom!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Apologies accepted!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Now, I think inviting the other houses is a lovely idea! And while it's a little tacky, I'm okay with going to McDonald's.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** wow ur really gonna insult mickey d's like that???

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** oh my god sylvain just be happy that shes agreeing to go there in the first place alright

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** What did I just say about fighting? :c

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** oh shit sorry mercedes!

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** SORRY MOM

  
  
  


**[ Shared Chatroom - 3:19 PM ]**

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Hello, everyone! In light of recent events, the Blue Lions have decided to go out for dinner tonight, and we were wondering if any of you would like to join us?

**girljs: ** oooo sounds great mercedes!! 💖💖 where we goin

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** mcdonalds

**girljs: ** ,

**girljs: ** i dont know what i was expecting but u know what yeah ill come with

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i will also come along!

**sexy owo: ** count me and hilda in

**sexy uwu: ** im right here claude i can speak for myself

**sexy owo: ** sorry i thought u were too busy crying from worry for me ;))

**sexy uwu: ** oh my god

**sexy uwu: ** im never showing concern for u again u motherfucker

**draco malfoy: ** sorry, why were you concerned in the first place?

**Marianne: ** uuh,, , claude rran into the dining hall to check out the explosion damage rigght after it had happene d ;;

**draco malfoy: ** im sorry he did what

**sexy owo: ** FSDHGFDS YALL CHILL IVE DONE WORSE

**sexy uwu: ** THATS NOT SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT???

**draco malfoy: ** are you alright after that, claude?

**sexy owo: ** ya im good dw

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** hey I'll come to mcdonalds too

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Yeah count me in as well, it sounds fun

**girljs: ** ooo maybe we could do something after too!!! like go back to the dorms and watch movies??

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** that sounds like a lovely idea. consider me interested.

**creeper: ** I, too, shall attend.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** can you guys talk like normal people for one fucking second

**creeper: ** No. I will not lower myself to the level of you simpletons.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** s i m p l e t o n s

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** HSDFHASGD SIMPLETONS

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i identify as a simpleton

**girljs: ** simpletons RISE UP

**sexy uwu: ** simpleton pride baby!

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** i will also join you all at mcdonalds.

**sleepy bitch disease: ** i think its safe to say that lorenz does not identify as a simpleton

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** of course not.

**sexy uwu: ** good, we dont claim him

**sexy owo: ** simpleton only zone!!

**girljs: ** non simpletons dont interact 💖

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Sorry to interrupt, but if anyone else is coming with, please send me a DM so I can keep track!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** do you need help with paying for this outing, mercedes? i can pitch in.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** That would be appreciated, thank you, Edelgard!

**girljs: ** are we all down for going back to the dorms after and watching movies??

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** mmhmm!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i'm in

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** sounds good to me!

**Marianne: ** ahh that ssounds nice yeah,,!! ;;

**Jared, 19: ** I'm not so sure if the dormitories would be wide enough to contain such a crowd?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** you have a point there, petra. perhaps we should ask if we can use a classroom instead.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'll speak with the professor about it, i'm sure she won't mind.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** That's a good idea!

**girljs: ** anyone have movie suggestions??

**sexy owo: ** bee movie

**girljs: ** anyone have GOOD movie suggestions???

**sexy owo: ** wow youre really just gonna insult art like that??

**girljs: ** yes

**Marianne: ** uum

**Marianne: ** ccan we watch a ghibli movie?? i dontmind whichone ;;;

**Marianne: ** itsokay if yyou guys dont want to though we can choose something else !!!

**girljs: ** that sounds like a good idea marianne!! ill put it on the list 💖

**Marianne: ** tthankyou!!!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** what about ratatouille

**girljs: ** im not even going to dignify that with a response

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** coward

**girljs: ** you know what fuck all of you we're just going to go with marianne's suggestion and binge ghibli movies instead

**Marianne: ** OH UM

**Marianne: ** really if yyouguys dont want to watch those!!! we dont have to id rrather you watch something you like

**sexy uwu: ** no this is good!! i love those movies theyre so cute

**sexy owo: ** yeah im here for this

**so basically, im babey: ** oh!! i love ghibli movies, count me in c:

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh, I adore those movies! I'm looking forwards to this movie night even more, now!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** youre all such fucking weebs

**sleepy bitch disease: ** i once found you watching my hero academia at 3 in the morning caspar, you're in no position to judge

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** SHUT THE UP

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** lol exposed

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** don't be ashamed, caspar, you have good taste

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** i'm aware

**girljs: ** heyy edie and i are gonna go talk to professor byleth about setting up the classroom so we can watch movies in it!! sooo see u guys later tonight?? 💖💖

**Jared, 19: ** See you then, Dorothea!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** cya, you two!

**draco malfoy: ** see you two tonight.

**sexy uwu: ** cya!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I probably don't need to say it, but good luck with the professor! See you both tonight!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** we will see you then.

**girljs: ** gbye!! 💞

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe is offline.**

**girljs is offline.**

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** you know, we should probably arrange a meeting time

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh, you're right! I didn't even think of that…

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** is 6:30 pm alright with everyone here?? i hope everyone has a way of getting themselves there

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** If not, I would be happy to give some people a lift there!

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** you can drive mercedes??

**draco malfoy: ** you can't?

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** no????

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** also 6:30 works for me

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Yeah, me too.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** i can make 6:30

**sleepy bitch disease: ** yeah that sounds good

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** It's settled, then! Could someone pass the time along to Dorothea and Edelgard?

**Jared, 19: ** I will do so!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Thank you, Petra!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I believe we will have a rather large crowd… I do hope there will be enough seats for all of us when we get there!

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** i have to pity the staff at whichever mcdonald's we're going to.

**creeper: ** Indeed. They will have to put up with a lot of childishness from you lot, no doubt.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** don't agree with me, i don't like you.

**creeper: ** Noted. I don't care.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Ah...

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I hope we all keep the fighting to a minimum while we're out… it would reflect poorly on the school if anyone did anything foolish while in public.

**draco malfoy: ** indeed.

**sexy owo: ** its just a mcdonalds yall calm down sdfhngsdfsdfgds

  
  
  


**[ Shared Chatroom - 6:33 PM ]**

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i wish i didn't have to say it, but i hope all of you behave yourselves tonight.

**sexy owo: ** yeah cmon guys we dont want to make fools of ourselves at mcdonalds, god forbid

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** exactly. i'm glad you agree.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** wait. that was sarcasm, wasn't it?

**sexy owo: ** ah fuck she caught me

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** well, either way, my point still stands. behave yourselves.

**sleepy bitch disease: ** sure

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** alright mother

**sexy uwu: ** will do ;)

**girljs: ** ofc edie!! 💖💖

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I'm glad there was enough space for us all to fit in here! We really did bring quite the crowd, hm?

**so basically, im babey: ** we did!! :o

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i really do pity the staff right now

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** indeed.

**sexy uwu: ** yeah must suck to be them having to deal with us simpletons!!!!

**girljs: ** USDFHDFG IM STILL CRACKING UP WHENEVER I SEE "SIMPLETONS"

**sexy owo: ** hey can we go on the playground

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** no. it's for children.

**sexy owo: ** oh haha sorry did i say go on the playground!

**sexy owo: ** i meant not go on "the playground"

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** "the playground" what

**oovoo javer: ** shouldnt the quotes be around "not"??

**girljs: ** im SO confused

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** is he trying to say something i cant tell

**sleepy bitch disease: ** this is peak r/suspiciousquotes

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i believe we have all arrived, so we can order our food now. please, for the sake of the people paying, don't go overboard.

**so basically, im babey: ** we wont!!!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i'd hope that no one would want an excess amount of this unhealthy food anyways!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Really, I don't mind paying as much as you guys need!

**draco malfoy: ** that's sweet of you to offer, mercedes, but we can't ask you to hand over too much of your money for just mcdonald's.

**draco malfoy: ** as edelgard said, please don't order too much, alright, everyone?

  
  
  


**[ Shared Chatroom - 6:46 PM ]**

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** so

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** dimitri just ordered a cheeseburger with "extra cheese"

**girljs: ** ,

**girljs: ** WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN FSHSDFGDSFJ

**sexy owo: ** u heard the man he wants a cheeseburger with extra cheese

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** are you fucking kidding me

**sexy uwu: ** this is not epic

**Marianne: ** w,, why does he need extra c heese?? ;;

**oovoo javer: ** stop judging him!!! he just wants a cheeseburger with extra cheese!!!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** hm.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Ah, that is a little… strange.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** i hate this. why are we here.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** to eat our delicious cheeseburgers with extra cheese of course

**draco malfoy: ** i don't see the problem?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** there he is, the man of the hour

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** THE LEGEND HIMSELF

**girljs: ** so dimitri tell us what its like to have your cheeseburgers with extra cheese!!!

**draco malfoy: ** really, i always have my cheeseburgers like this. i don't see the issue?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** who raised you

  
  
  


**[ Shared Chatroom - 7:12 PM ]**

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i must admit, i'm impressed. we've been here over half an hour and none of you have gotten into trouble yet.

**sexy owo: ** uhhhhh

**sexy owo: ** hey

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i spoke too soon, didn't i.

**sexy owo: ** yeah you kinda did

**sexy owo: ** we need some help

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** I already don't like the sound of that? what did you guys do

**sexy uwu: ** soooooooo uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** spit it out

**sexy owo: ** we're stuck

**girljs: ** ur what

**sexy owo: ** stuck. on the playground

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** ...Ah.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** you've gotta be fucking kidding me.

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** oh my god. how old are you, five?

**sexy owo: ** yeah on a scale from one to ten ;)))

**sexy owo: ** ,

**sexy owo: ** I TAKE THAT BACK I DIDNT READ IT RIGHT

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** lmao alright 5/10 it is.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** how. how the fuck did you manage to get stuck on a fucking mcdonalds playground

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** this is so sad

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Um, give me a moment, I'm going to come and try help you guys out..?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I'd appreciate it if you guys could explain to me how exactly you got stuck?

**sexy uwu: ** claude tried to go through one of the tunnels but he didnt fit and i was behind him so now we're both stuck in here

**sexy owo: ** once again my sexy, broad shoulders are my downfall

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** "once again"??? when have they ever been your downfall in the past???

**sexy owo: ** im sorry sylvain but now is not the time for that story because i am STUCK in a MCDONALDS PLAYGROUND

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** NSHGD ALRIGHT THATS FAIR

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh, dear…

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** this is just sad. was is too much to ask for you to behave yourselves?

**sexy owo: ** yes

**sexy uwu: ** absolutely

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Ah, um… could someone else go in and help them out? I'm not allowed on the playground since I'm an adult, and I don't feel comfortable breaking the rules, I'm sorry.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** dont beat urself up over it mercedes

**sexy owo: ** send lysithea in here she looks like she's 3

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** you know what? just for that, I'm not helping you. you're on your own

**sexy owo: ** FUCK

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** i still cant believe you fucking idiots managed to get stuck.

**sexy owo: ** CAN YOU MOCK US LATER WE NEED HELP

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** dibs not being the one going in there

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** yeah fuck that

**Marianne: ** s,, sorry youtwo id rather not go in there either;;;

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** consider my lack of assistance revenge for all your past tormenting.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** you guys are on your own.

**sexy owo: ** WHAT HAPPENED TO GOLDEN DEER SOLIDARITY

**sexy uwu: ** THEYVE ABANDONED US CLAUDE WE'RE ON OUR OWN

**sexy uwu: ** JUST YOU N ME AND NOTHING BUT OUR SACRED TWINSHIP BOND TO HELP GUIDE US THROUGH THIS BITCH OF A WORLD

**girljs: ** are you guys okay????

**sexy uwu: ** sorry i had a moment

**girljs: ** fdshsgfdhjsd ur good!!! 💖

**sexy owo: ** can someone PLEASE come help us out of here

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I can ask an employee..?

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** "yes hello mr mcdonalds staff member my idiot friends are stuck in one of the tunnels on the playground please help"

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** dont mock her if you dont have any better ideas sylvain

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** as much as i think it's the reasonable thing to do, i think it would be best if we did not involve staff. we don't want to risk damaging the school's reputation, after all.

**draco malfoy: ** you have a point. someone will have to go in there and help them.

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** or we could just leave them there?

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** i also think leaving them there is the best course of action.

**sexy owo: ** PLEASE DONT LEAVE US

**draco malfoy: ** i'll do it.

**sexy owo: ** DIMITRI I OWE YOU MY LIFE

**sexy uwu: ** thx dimitri!!

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** what a brave soul

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** good luck dimitri

**draco malfoy: ** thanks. i'll probably need it.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** just remember ur cheeseburgers with extra cheese are waiting for u on the other side

**draco malfoy: ** THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY EXTRA CHEESY CHEESEBURGERS

**girljs: ** UDSFHDGFDSHJ EXTRA CHEESY

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** oh my GOD

**sexy owo: ** USDFNADH FUCK WHY IS THAT SO FUNNY

**sexy uwu: ** I DONT KNOW BUT IT IS

**sexy uwu: ** MAYBE WE'RE LOSING OUR MINDS FROM BEING TRAPPED IN HERE CLAUDE

**sexy owo has changed draco malfoy's nickname to extra cheesy.**

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** LMAO

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** claude you absolute legend

**girljs: ** FUCKSDFHNGSDFHJSD THERE IT IS

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** IM WHEEZING

**extra cheesy: ** claude, do you want me to help you or not?

**sexy owo: ** sfdjhgdfshjds sorry mr extra cheesy yes i would appreciate some help

  
  
  


**[ Shared Chatroom - 7:20 PM ]**

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** what the fuck is dimitri doing

**sexy owo: ** his best

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** well, it's clearly not good enough.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh, my… I really will have to get the staff to help at this rate, won't I?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** let them figure it out. they got themselves into this mess, they can get themselves out of it.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I do hope you're right…

**sexy uwu: ** guys i dont know how much longer i can go on in here

**sexy uwu: ** its been so long since i saw the light of day

**girljs: ** hang in there hilda extra cheesy is coming to save u :(((

**sexy uwu: ** WELL HE NEEDS TO HURRY UP

**extra cheesy: ** i am trying.

**sexy owo: ** my hero

  
  
  


**[ Shared Chatroom - 8:43 PM ]**

**so basically, im babey: ** its been over an hour,, any progress dimitri?? :o

**extra cheesy: ** not yet.

**sexy uwu: ** please fucking get me out of here i'm too young and beautiful to die like this

**sexy owo: ** god me too

**creeper: ** This just proves my point from when I called you all simpletons before.

**girljs: ** JSDFNHDFGDSFKJGK

**girljs: ** EXTRA CHEESY SIMPLETONS WHERE YALL AT

**sexy uwu: ** EXTRA CHEESY SIMPLETONS I M

**sexy uwu: ** UDSFSFDGKAJFDS

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** WE'RE HERE

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** present!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** SUP

**sexy owo has changed the chat name from Shared Chatroom to extra cheesy simpletons.**

**sexy owo: ** THATS US

**girljs: ** SQUAD GOALS!!!!

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** extra cheesy simpleton and proud!

**creeper: ** Ridiculous, the lot of you.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i hate to be a buzzkill, but could we please focus on the issue at hand?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** "i hate to be a buzzkill" sounds fake but okay

**extra cheesy: **sorry that i haven't made much progress with getting them out... i really don't know how they've managed it, but they're completely stuck.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** my god, leave it to claude and hilda to get permanently stuck in a mcdonalds playground

**sexy owo: ** i hope this is what we're remembered for

**sexy uwu: ** wow its our legacy

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh, dear...

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I'm going to talk to the staff, alright..? You guys have been trapped in there for too long, and we need to get going soon… is that alright with you, Edelgard?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** please, go ahead.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Alright!

**sexy owo: ** we'll be free soon hilda

**sexy owo: ** can u hear that?? its the sound of FREEDOM

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** extra cheesy freedom

**girljs: ** im in fucking tears over "extra cheesy" you guys dont even know

**girljs: ** WHY is it so funny

**sleepy bitch disease: ** maybe we've all become hysterical from being in this mcdonalds so long

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** sounds about right

**sexy uwu:** gosh i cant wait for my extra cheesy freedom

  
  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 9:27 PM ]**

**spill the tea kween is online.**

**spill the tea kween: ** I hope you all enjoyed your dinner. How did it go?

**sexy owo: ** we got kicked out of mcdonalds

**spill the tea kween: **Ah, I see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> movie night was originally supposed to be this chapter but as it turns out this one got too long so it'll be next chapter instead!!!
> 
> gonna plug my twitter once more (https://twitter.com/springbutbetter)!! come talk to me about fire emblem thx!!


	5. noo totoro dont die youre too sexy aha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sexy uwu:** marianne if ur scared u can hold my hand too!! 💕
> 
> **Marianne:** oh!! thankyou i will
> 
> **haha just kidding… unless?:** hey felix
> 
> **while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade:** no.

**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 9:36 PM ]**

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i'm disappointed with the behaviour of a few certain people tonight, though not surprised.

**sexy owo: **wow guys whos shes talking about

**sexy uwu: **i have no idea!!! i cant tell!!!

**extra cheesy: **i wonder.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **nevertheless, the consequences could have been worse. perhaps being permanently banned from that mcdonald's is a good thing, as it means we can avoid any more disasters like this one in the future.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **yeah guys i guess next time we're just gonna have to fuck up the mcdonalds on the other side of town instead

**haha just kidding... unless?: **sounds like a plan

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i suppose i know better than to assume you're joking.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **u know us so well ;)

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **hey edelgard remember like an hour ago when you said "i hate to be a buzzkill"? 

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **yeah remember that

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i just wanted to make my point.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **well you fucking made it can we get to movies already

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **of course.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Sorry for the wait, everyone! Dorothea and I are just getting everything set up.

**girljs: **mmhmm!! give us a sec 💖💖💖

**sexy owo: **i brought my copy of the bee movie in case anyone changed their mind :)

**girljs: **we did not!!

**sexy owo: **sad

**haha just kidding... unless?: **im in favor of the bee movie

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **i'm also in favor of it

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i'm in favor of your death

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **thanks!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i meant sylvain but i guess it applies to you too

**haha just kidding... unless?: **ur kind words warm my heart ingrid! ;)

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **anytime

**sexy uwu: **everyone who wants to watch the bee movie say i!!!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **no.

**sexy owo: **i

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **i

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **i dont want to watch it but for the sake of pissing off edelgard, i

**sleepy bitch disease: **i

**girljs: **ALL OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP WE'RE NOT WATCHING THE BEE MOVIE

**sexy owo: **ALRIGHT FINE

**sexy owo: **i'll get my way one day

**deathknightdestroyer69: **I sure hope not

**sexy owo: **the bee movie is simpleton culture you guys 

**sexy owo: **thats why we HAVE to watch it. one day

**girljs: **dont use the simpleton word against me like that i refuse to watch the bee movie, ever, and i will NOT be swayed

**sexy owo: **it was worth a shot

**sexy uwu: **youll get em next time claude

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **No, he won't.

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: **he will not.

**sexy owo: **WHAT IS UP WITH EVERYONE RUINING MY GAME TODAY

**sexy owo: **WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **you got stuck in a mcdonald's playground.

**sexy owo: **i refuse to apologize

**girljs: **hey we're nearly finished setting up so if u guys wanna come to the classroom now feel free!! 💖

**sexy uwu: **gotcha

**oovoo javer: **got it!!

**Jared, 19: **I will be arriving there soon!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **hey, anyone got popcorn?

**sexy uwu: **i wish i did but sadly the kitchen is still destroyed

**girljs: **damn… wonder who did that

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i hope whoever it was will come forward soon.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **haha yeah who would do something like that

**sexy owo: **it really is a mystery! :)

**extra cheesy: **...do you guys know something i don't?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **nope.

**sexy owo: **haha what no of course not

**girljs: **i know nothing!!!

**extra cheesy: **hm. alright?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i can run down to the gas station and grab some popcorn??

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **i'll come with you.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i would offer to come too but i dont want to third wheel

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **what.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i swear to god

**girljs: **go get popcorn you two!! ;))

**girljs: **;))))

**sexy uwu: **;)))))

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **yeah hurry the fuck up i'm hungry

**haha just kidding… unless?: **ALRIGHT WE'RE GOING

**haha just kidding… unless? is offline.**

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade is offline.**

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ah, you know… you guys could do to tease those two a little less?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I don't want to make them uncomfortable!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i do

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ingrid...

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **HFGSDHJ SORRY I WAS JOKING

**extra cheesy: **i'm confused- what are we teasing them about?

**deathknightdestroyer69: **no one tell him

**extra cheesy: **what?

**girljs: **okay dw mercedes we'll just bully dimitri and claude instead

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **That's fine!

**sexy owo: **WOW

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Brutal

**extra cheesy: **what???

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<:** I can't tell if dimitri's playing dumb or if he just genuinely doesn't know?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **maybe its both

**sexy uwu: **maybe it's maybelline

**extra cheesy: **i'm very confused?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **maybe his simpleton brain is having trouble processing what's happening

**sexy uwu: **its okay dimitri! we, ur fellow simpletons, are here for u

**extra cheesy: **thank you?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Alright, we've finished setting up! If those of you who aren't here yet could come to the classroom, that'd be great!

**extra cheesy: **i'll be right there

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **as will i.

**creeper: **I suppose I have nothing better to do.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **enthusiastic as always, hubert

**sleepy bitch disease: **can i ask where we're all going to sit? sitting at our school desks to binge movies doesn't sound very comfortable, and there wouldn't even be enough seats

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **he's asking cos he wants somewhere that he can fall asleep

**sleepy bitch disease: **you know me too well

**girljs: **welllll we dragged three couches in here and moved all the desks and chairs out of the way??

**deathknightdestroyer69: **only three?

**girljs: **YEAHHH thats all we could get our hands on sorry :(((

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I hope you guys don't mind sharing the couches?

**girljs: **might be a lil cramped but hey if we all sit on top of each other we'll fit!! 💖

**creeper: **I would rather die. I'll be standing.

**Marianne: **ahh id rather,, not do that as well sorry ;;; can i jjust bring a pillow and sit on the floor instead??

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **That works, too!

**sexy uwu: **i'll join u marianne i am too beautiful and delicate to be crushed to death on a couch

**Marianne: **oh !! ookay c:

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **lmao hubert are u gonna return to lurking in ur corner

**creeper: **That was the plan, yes.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **of course

**extra cheesy: **perhaps each house can share one couch each? to divide ourselves as evenly as possible

**sexy uwu: **huh but if we do that how are u and claude gonna cuddle, dimitri??? ;))))

**extra cheesy: **what?

**sexy owo: **HILDA SHUT THE FUCJK UP

**sexy uwu: **no bitch this is my revenge for getting us trapped in a mcdonalds playground for TWO HOURS

**sexy owo: **hey as a part of our sacred twinship ur legally obligated to take 50% of the blame for that

**sexy uwu: **ill do 45%

**sexy owo: **deal

**extra cheesy: **am i missing something?

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **alright dimitri's GOTTA be playing dumb, there's no way anyone's that dense.

**deathknightdestroyer69: **you never know, I wouldn't put it past him.

**girljs: **if he is playing dumb hes doing an excellent job at it

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **it is a mystery

**so basically, im babey: **i think dividing the couches between the houses sounds like a good idea!! :o

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i guess sylvain and felix are gonna be sitting on the floor when they get back

**girljs: **suck to be them!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **hm i get the feeling i'm not going to be very welcome on the black eagles couch

**girljs: **yeah sorry ferdie but i will fight for my girls' rightful positions on this couch 💖

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **how many people can the couches seat?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I believe you could seat four people rather comfortably, maybe more if you squish?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **well, since hubert will be standing, perhaps the rest of us can 'squish' together on the couch, and linhardt can lie across our laps? since he will, no doubt, fall asleep.

**girljs: **edie u fucking genius 💕💕💕 that works for me!!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **im down

**sleepy bitch disease: **yes, let's do that

**Jared, 19: **I am okay with this also!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **sounds good to me!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **ppleasedont crush me to death 

**girljs: **dw bern!! you can sit on the armrest or on a floor pillow instead if youre more comfortable with that??

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **eeyeah i might dothat, ,, ssorry

**girljd: **ur good dont apologize!!

**sexy owo: **wow what a well-functioning, reasonable group of friends. golden deer i hope we, too, can choose our seating positions with such calmness and logic

**deathknightdestroyer69: **whoever gets there first gets the couch.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Sounds good to me!

**Moto Moto: **I agre,e as well!

**sexy owo: **challenge accepted fuckers

**sexy owo: **im gonna get there first and have the entire couch to myself :))

**deathknightdestroyer69: **try it, I dare you.

**Marianne: **ehh guyss ;;; dont ffight please its just a couch

**Marianne: **ccant you all umm,, squish together?? ssince hilda and i are on the floor anyways

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: **i refuse to 'squish' with any of you, there must be a gap of at least 10cm between myself and any other human.

**Marianne: **ooh okay,,

**sexy uwu: **haha this is why i'm sitting on the floor like a TRUE simpleton ;))

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ah, Blue Lions, I suppose we should figure out where we'll sit as well?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **To avoid any conflict, I'll sit on the floor!

**so basically, im babey: **i'll join you mercedes!! :o

**oovoo javer: **i will too! i don't want to fight over this haha

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: **I will stand.

**extra cheesy: **i'll sit on the floor too, i'd rather you guys take the couch.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **well i wouldnt feel right sitting on the couch after all of you decided not to, so i'll join you guys on the floor

**sexy owo: **sdfhngsdh wait a fucking sec did you ALL just decide to not sit on the couch

**girljs: **,

**girljs: **holy shit they did

**deathknightdestroyer69: **lmao oh my god

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh… our bad!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Really, some of you guys should take the couch, I don't mind the floor! I'll just grab a pillow to sit on.

**extra cheesy: **no, i insist, i'll take the floor

**so basically, im babey: **i really dont mind sitting on the floor as well!! c:

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **this is somehow both wholesome and incredibly sad to watch?

**deathknightdestroyer69: **no, it's just sad

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **yknow sylvain will probably take the couch when he gets back with the popcorn

**extra cheesy: **oh, that's true

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, you have a point! He can have the couch, then.

**deathknightdestroyer69: **you guys are really just going to let him take the entire couch?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **hm good point

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **in that case, ill sit on it too, and i'm sure felix will join us

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ah, there we go! You three can take the couch, and the rest of us will be on the floor. I'm glad we sorted things out!

**so basically, im babey: **me too!! c:

**oovoo javer: **yup!!

**extra cheesy: **i'm also glad we could work through this and remain civil

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **golden deer take notes :)

**sexy owo: **we will do no such thing

**sexy owo: **because i just beat everyone to the couch so its all mine now ;)))

**deathknightdestroyer69: **FUCK YOU CLAUDE

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: **hm. that's unfortunate.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **anyone wanna team up to forcibly remove Claude from the couch?

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: **you guys really shouldn't be fighting over this! we agreed on a race, so Claude gets the couch fair and square

**sexy owo: **yeah thats right my city now ;)))

**sexy owo: **hilda, as my twin, i grant you permission to 45% of the couch

**sexy uwu: **sorry im staying on the floor i gotta stick with marianne

**Marianne: **oh!! thank you hilda;;

**sexy uwu: **np!! 💕

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **well, now that seating's been sorted out, shall we get started?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **we should probably wait for felix and sylvain to get back but im in favor of starting without them

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **what the fuck is taking them so long anyways??

**deathknightdestroyer69: **chill it's been like ten minutes

**Marianne: **uum

**Marianne: **hhave we decided what movie we are going tto watch first ?? ;;

**sexy uwu: **u know what we should probably do that

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, I was thinking we could start with Totoro? It's such a cute movie, I just adore it!

**Marianne: **ahh ii do too !!

**girljs: **totoro it is!! 💖💖💖

**sexy owo: **wait is that

**sexy owo: **is that the one with like

**sexy owo: **the fucking round grey raccoon thing with the leaf

**sexy uwu: **im sorry the what

**sexy owo: **LIKE ITS ROUND AND GREY AND IT HAS A LEAF

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Um… I suppose you could describe Totoro in that way, yes?

**sexy owo: **OH MY GOD

**so basically, im babey: **claude are you okay?? :c

**sexy owo: **THAT MOVIE IS TERRIFYING

**sexy uwu: **,

**girljs: **SDFHSDFJ WHAT

**Marianne: **uum?? ;;

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **what the fuck

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Are we… thinking of the same movie?

**sexy owo: **i watched it as a child and had nightmares for WEEKS

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **HFDSGSJ FOR REAL

**sexy owo: **YES

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: **claude, you're being ridiculous.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Um, I'm sure it's not as scary as you remember, Claude!

**sexy owo: **im sure it is?? have you seen that thing's smile??

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **"that thing" has a name show some respect claude

**sexy uwu: **yeah dont disrespect totoro like that, hes a simpleton friend

**girljs: **DSHADGSDFJ TOTORO A SIMPLETON

**sexy owo: **totoro is NOT a simpleton i refuse to accept him as one of us

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **totoro IS a simpleton, you don't make the rules around here claude

**sexy owo: **LOO K I CANNOT HELP WHAT I AM AFRAID OF

**sexy owo: **dimitri come sit next to me on this couch so you can hold my hand through this TERRIFYING movie

**extra cheesy: **alright?

  
  


**[ DM: sexy uwu -> sexy owo - 9:55 PM ]**

**sexy uwu: **was that entire thing just an act so you could convince dimitri to sit with you

**sexy owo: **perhaps

**sexy uwu: **YOU SLY MOTHERFUCKER

  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 9:56 PM ]**

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **im fucking tired of waiting can we just start without sylvain and felix

**haha just kidding… unless? is online.**

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade is online.**

**haha just kidding… unless?: **DNOT DO THAT WE ARE HERE

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Welcome back, you two!

**so basically, im babey: **you two were fast!! :o

**haha just kidding… unless?: **yeah we ran

**haha just kidding… unless?: **anyways we got the popcorn and we're here so we can start the movie now! sorry for the wait

**sexy owo: **oh noo not totoro so scary ahhhh

**girljs: **you seem considerably less scared than you were three minutes ago, claude??

**sexy owo: **what can i say, dimitris presence at my side is very comforting :)

**girljs: **ah i see

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **wait 

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **sylvain

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **are you wearing felix's jacket

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i was cold

**sexy owo: **maybe if u didnt dress like a thottie u wouldnt be cold

**girljs: **DSFGJDS A THOTTIE

**haha just kidding… unless?: **I DRESS JUST FINE THANK YOU VERY MUCH

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **he wouldn't stop whining about the cold. so i gave my jacket to him to shut him up.

**girljs: **omg so romantic 💖

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **it's really not.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **young love… so beautiful

**deathknightdestroyer69: **when's the wedding?

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **die.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **You guys, remember what I said earlier about teasing?

**deathknightdestroyer69: **my bad

**girljs: **fjhgdfshj sorry mercedes!!!

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **give me my jacket back now, sylvain.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **no bitch i'm still cold

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **fine. just give it back to me in the morning, then.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i'm REALLY gonna feel like a third wheel on this couch huh

**girljs: **id invite you to join us on the black eagles couch ingrid but we're packed

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **it's all good at least i have this bag of popcorn to keep me company

**girljs: **id say "ugh mood" but i cant relate bc i have my wonderful beautiful adoring girlfriend at my side 💖💖💖

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **love you too, dorothea 💖

**girljs: **💖❣️💖💕💗💗❣️!!!

**sexy uwu: **always comforting to know that we have at least one (1) functional couple at this school 

**sexy uwu: **the rest of yall are disasters

**sexy owo: **thanks we try

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ah, is everyone here now? Can we begin?

**oovoo javer: **mmhmm, i think so!

**haha just kidding… unless?: **yeah

**Marianne: **ii dont think anyone's missing, wwe can start !!

**creeper: **Please do, the wait is getting tiresome.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Alrighty then!

  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 11:37 PM ]**

**sexy owo: **noo totoro dont die youre too sexy aha

**sexy uwu: **UISDFHG WHAT THE FUCK CLAUDE

**girljs: **thanks claude for giving us a solid three minutes of peace after the movie ended before you said that and ruined everything!

**deathknightdestroyer69: **totoro didn't even die??

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **why do we even let Claude speak

**sexy owo: **i have rights

**sexy owo: **simpleton rights babey ;))))

**sexy uwu: **cant argue with that one

**girljs: **real simpleton pride hours!!!

**haha just kidding… unless?: **every hour is simpleton pride hour

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **well, claude, was the movie as terrifying as you remembered?

**sexy owo: **absolutely yes i am shaking in my boots

**Marianne: **aahh imsorry you found it scary claude ;;;;

**sexy uwu: **im sure he'll get over it dw marianne

**Marianne: **iif you say so;;

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I was going to ask what we should watch next… but it appears most of us are already asleep!

**girljs: **hgjdsfj wow ur right

**girljs: **edie fell asleep on my shoulder,,,,,,, sfdnfdsghjgs cute 💖💖💖

**sexy owo: **yall are WEAK

**girljs: **weak for my girlfriend????? absolutely u got me there

**sexy owo: **no i meant weak for falling asleep

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I wouldn't want to disturb those who fell asleep, so perhaps we can watch some more movies another time?

**sexy owo: **weak

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **yeah thats a good idea

**girljs: **sounds good!!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **well i'm not tired so is there anything else we can do in the meantime

**sexy owo: **we can go ghost hunting

**deathknightdestroyer69: **no.

**girljs: **id love to but unfortuately i cant because i have two people sleeping on me and it would be a crime to move and wake them up

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **yeahhh linhardt fell asleep across the entire black eagles couch so unfortunately we're all out of commission

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **we could just

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **move him

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **try it and i kill you

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **alrighty!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ooh, ghost hunting could be fun! It could be an adventure.

**Marianne: **ooh that,, sounds scary i might sit out ;;

**sexy uwu: **ill protect u if u wanna come with marianne!! 💕

**Marianne: **oh um!! in that case yes id like to come with tthank you

**Marianne: **💕

**sexy uwu: **dfghdhjgdfsj 💕

  
  


**[ DM: sexy owo -> sexy uwu - 11:41 PM ]**

**sexy owo: **gay

**sexy uwu: **SHUT THE UP

  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 11:41 PM ]**

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i'll come ghost hunting whats the worst that can happen

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **yeah me too why not

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **you lot don't actually believe in ghosts, right?

**sexy owo: **absolutely of course we do

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **that's ridiculous.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **i'm coming with.

**sexy owo: **i Dont understand you

**sexy owo:** but okay welcome to the team!

**deathknightdestroyer69: **fine I'll come too

**sexy owo: **arent u scared of ghosts lysithea???

**deathknightdestroyer69: **no absolutely the fuck not?

**deathknightdestroyer69: **I'm not scared of anything especially not ghosts

**sexy owo: **big words for one so small

**deathknightdestroyer69: **big words for one whos about to get his dick chopped off

**sexy uwu: **JGHFDKJDS WATCH OUT CLAUDE

**sexy owo: **ALRIGHT IM SORRY

**sexy owo: **alright anyone else coming??

**so basically, im babey: **i will!! :o

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: **so will i.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **wish i could but caspar has a knife to my throat and Will kill me if i disturb linhardt

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **thats right bitch

**sexy owo: **alright extra cheesy ghosthunting simpletons LETS GO

  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 11:56 PM ]**

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **guys are we just going to keep walking in circles or are we actually going somewhere

**sexy owo: **we're just going wherever the night takes us

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **why are you all texting when we're standing together?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **we gotta be quiet so we dont alert the ghost

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **theres no ghost

**sexy owo: **not with that attitude there isnt

**sexy uwu: **lets try the fishing pond!! we havent been there yet

**haha just kidding… unless?: **fishing pond it is!

**Marianne: **ah,, i kind of hope wwe dont actually come across a ghost ;;

**deathknightdestroyer69: **i do. ghosts come at me I am not scared

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: **you don't sound very convincing.

**deathknightdestroyer69: **i don't know what you mean, i'm not scared?

**sexy owo: **uh huh

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **don't worry, marianne, there's no ghosts

**Marianne: **i hope youre rright ;;

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i

**haha just kidding… unless?: **I THINK I SEE SOMETHING

**sexy owo: **IS IT A GHOST

**haha just kidding… unless?: **I CANT TELL

**deathknightdestroyer69: **WHAT

**sexy owo: **WHERE IS IT

**haha just kidding… unless?: **STANDING ON THE FISHING DOCK CAN U SEE THAT

**sexy owo: **I SEE IT

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i cant believe you guys are taking this seriously

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Is it really a ghost?

**so basically, im babey: **woah really!!! :o

**so basically im babey: **merciecan you hold my hand?? im scared?? :c

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Of course, Annie!

**deathknightdestroyer69: **mercedes, could you

**deathknightdestroyer69: **uh nevermind

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Lysithea, I'm feeling a little scared myself, actually! Would you mind holding my hand?

**deathknightdestroyer69: **well, if you insist..

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Thank you! I feel safer already.

**sexy uwu: **momcedes to the rescue

**sexy uwu: **marianne if ur scared u can hold my hand too!! 💕

**Marianne: **oh!! thankyou i will

**haha just kidding… unless?: **hey felix

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **no.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **lmao rejected

**haha just kidding… unless?: **IT WAS WORTH A SHOT

**sexy owo: **im so alone… guess i just gotta hold my own hand

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i'll hold your hand for you claude we can be alone together

**sexy owo: **thank you sylvain i owe you my life

**deathknightdestroyer69: **um can anyone see what the

**deathknightdestroyer69: **what the 'ghost' is doing?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **let me get a closer look

**haha just kidding… unless?: **claude dont you fucking dare let go of my hand, this is terrifying

**sexy owo: **DW I GOTCHU BRO

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **whats our ghost friend up to

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i think its fishing??

**sexy uwu: **, sfghdfsj its what

**sexy owo: **wait i can see it too

**sexy owo: **its definitely fishing

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: **that makes no sense.

**so basically, im babey: **ghosts can fish?? :o

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh… I don't know why, but I expected something scarier!

**sexy uwu: **WAIT if its fishing does this mean we met the ghost of professor byleth's ancestor??

**sexy owo: **HOLY SHIT

**haha just kidding… unless?: **HJSDFGJHDG THE PROFESSOR'S ANCESTOR

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **their fishing talent has been passed down for generations...

**Marianne: **um,, are you ssure its a ghost ;;

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **you're all being ridiculous. it's not a ghost, they don't exist.

**deathknightdestroyer69: **yeah haha of course it couldn't be a ghost

**haha just kidding… unless?: **WELL ITS DEFINITELY NOT THE PROFESSOR AND WHO ELSE WOULD BE FISHING AT THIS HOUR

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **cant argue with that logic

**haha just kidding… unless?: **,

**haha just kidding… unless?: **fuck

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: **what?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **FUCK I THINK IT SAW US

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **OH FUCK

**sexy owo: **FUCK

**sexy owo: **QUICK THROW LORENZ AT IT AND LETS GET OUT OF HERE

**sexy uwu: **ON IT

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: **wait wha7fsd92;

**sexy owo: **W

**Marianne: **OH

**sexy owo: **HILDA I DID NOT MEAN ACTUALLY THROW HIM I

**sexy owo: **I WAS JOKING HI LDA 

**sexy uwu: **FUCK

**sexy uwu: **FUCKI M SORRY I PANICKED

**sexy owo: **wow he went FLYING

**Marianne: **d,, did he just ccrash into the ghost and land in the fishing pond;;;

**sexy owo: **yeah there they go

**sexy owo: **look at what you did hilda

**sexy uwu: **MY BAD

**deathknightdestroyer69: **you fucking idiots.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **wow

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh… that wasn't a ghost- that's Seteth!

**haha just kidding… unless?: **HJSDFG FUCK

**sexy uwu: **of course. of course its fucking seteth of all people

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: **great. look at what you've done now.

**so basically, im babey: **oh no!!! :'c

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **fuck we need to get them out of the water- it must be freezing

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ah, right! Let's go, everyone.

  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 12:22 AM ]**

**girljs: **u know i cant sleep so i just read through this chat and

**girljs: **yall wildin what the fuckfdjhgsfdj

**girljs: **keep us updated on whats going down this is the best thing ive read in YEARS

**sexy uwu: **WELL i threw lorenz and he landed on seteth and the two fell into the fishing pond

**girljs: **yeah i had read that part

**sexy uwu: **we got them out of the pond and seteth just kind of. stared at us

**sexy uwu: **he didnt even SAY anything he just gave us this look that i can only explain as a mixture of disappointment and indifference

**girljs: **ouch thats gotta hurt

**sexy uwu: **IT DID

**sexy uwu: **then he just got up and walked away without saying anything

**haha just kidding… unless?: **it was a little scary he was so silent

**sexy uwu: **BUT we didnt get told off so im counting this as a win

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: **for you, maybe. i am freezing.

**sexy uwu: **good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slightly shorter chapter than usual!! i try to hit 6k each chapter but this one was just under :0
> 
> https://twitter.com/springbutbetter obligatory twitter promo hello!! drop your @s in the comments so i can follow back!!


	6. cat the cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sexy uwu:** DONT BE SCARED TO COMEEE PUT YOUR TRUST IN ME
> 
> **girljs:** CANT YOU SEE THAT ALLLL I REALLY WANNA BE
> 
> **sexy owo:** IS YOUR BOYFRIEND
> 
> ***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR:** CANT FIGHT THAT
> 
> **i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨:** KNOCK ME DOWN YOU KNOW IM COMING RIGHT BACK

**[ DM: while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade -> haha just kidding… unless? - 10:02 AM ]**

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** sylvain, i need your help.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** whats up??

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** this.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** [ Image attachment:  _ cat.png  _ ]

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ,

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** you have a cat??

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** i do now.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** it was a stray. it's mine now.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** felix 

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** do you even KNOW how to look after a cat

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** if i did, i wouldn't be asking you for help.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** u flatter me as always ;)

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** does the cat have a name??

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** yes. it's cat.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** of fucking course it is

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** is there a problem with that.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** nooo haha 

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** i cant wait to meet cat the cat!! ;)

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** i'm sure she can't wait to meet you as well. 

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** :)

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** THAT'S

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** probably the nicest thing youve ever said to me

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** did you just use a text smiley face???

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** don't get used to it.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** oki doki :)

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** where are you?? im coming over to meet cat the cat

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** in my room.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** gotcha! ill be there in five

  
  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 10:23 AM ]**

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** GUYS HELP I GOT FUCKED UP BY FELIX'S CAT

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** i told you, she bites. this is your own fault.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** i cant believe this, i thought cat the cat loved me :(

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Um, pardon me… who is 'Cat the cat'?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** oh my fucking god

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** you didnt

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** he did

**so basically, im babey: ** he did,, what?? :o

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** i couldn't just leave her in that alley.

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade:** she looked so small and scared.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Could you… explain in a little more detail, Felix? I'm afraid I don't follow!

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** he saw a stray cat and decided to keep it

**sexy owo: ** wow felix i did not take you for a cat person

**extra cheesy: ** youd be surprised, actually

**sexy owo: ** I AM

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh! So you have a pet cat now?

**so basically, im babey: ** and you named it cat??

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** yes, and yes.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** and it bit sylvain?

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** many times, yes :(

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh, dear! Do you need any help with healing, Sylvain?

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** he'll be fine.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** felix already took care of me its okay ;)

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** all i did was give you some bandaids. don't make it sound weird.

**Marianne: ** oh felix um!! id like to meet cat the cat sometime if thats okay ;; iilove animals

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** feel free to come say hi.

**Marianne: ** oh cool!!! thankyou so much ill be right there

**sexy uwu: ** ill come too

**sexy owo: ** haha i wonder why :)

**sexy uwu: ** shut UP claude

**sleepy bitch disease: ** i'll come by as well, to say hello to the cat

**sleepy bitch disease: ** caspar said he'll come with

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i'm gonna come visit as well, see you guys in a sec

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏:** I will, too!

**so basically, im babey: ** oh!! me too, wait for me mercie :o

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Will do, Annie! I'll meet you outside your room in a minute?

**so basically, im babey: ** see you in a sec!!

**oovoo javer: ** oh! i'll come say hello as well!!

**oovoo javer: ** if you guys need any help with looking after her, let me know! i love cats aha

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** yeah at this rate we're definitely gonna need your help, thanks ashe!

**oovoo javer: ** no problem!!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'll… also come to say hello. to cat the cat.

**girljs: ** well if edie's going, im going!! 💖

**girljs: ** @Jared, 19 @I haven't seen the sun in 84 years ladies, u wanna come with??

**Jared, 19: ** I would love to do so!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** uum,, i'dlike to but ssorry imjust gonna stay in my room

**girljs: ** thats alright, bern!!

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** wowwww this is gonna be a crowded room

**while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade: ** if any of you injure my cat from crowding her, i'll kill you. not joking.

  
  
  


**[ help - 1:41 PM ]**

**sexy owo added 2 people to the chatroom.**

**sexy uwu: ** huh

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** hey whats this for

**sexy owo: ** hello to both of you too

**sexy uwu: ** claude whats this chat for

**sexy uwu: ** why is it only the three of us

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** was i added by mistake??

**sexy owo: ** nope!! ur meant to be here :)

**sexy uwu: ** why would u think it was a mistake

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** idk yall are like?? besties?? so idk what im doing here

**sexy uwu: ** thank u for acknowledging our twinship, we ARE indeed besties

**sexy uwu: ** but i got no idea why im here either so?? who knows

**sexy owo: ** use ur brains im sure you can figure out why we're here ;)

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** use our whats

**sexy uwu: ** claude i dont have time for another one of ur fucking guessing games

**sexy owo: ** IT WONT TAKE LONG I PROMISE

**sexy owo: ** its not hard to figure out i believe in u guys :)

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ugh fine

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** can we at least have a hint to help us figure it out

**sexy owo: ** alright sure

**sexy owo: ** what do we all have in common?

**sexy uwu: ** we're all bi and incredibly sexy

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** yeah but if that were all then dorothea would be here too

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** so what else do we have in common

**sexy owo: ** alright yall are just playing dumb arent you

**sexy owo: ** we're all PINING FOR DUMB BITCHES 

**sexy owo: ** THATS what we have in common

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** OH that makes sense yeah

**sexy uwu: ** dont ever call marianne a dumb bitch ever again ill murder you in your fucking sleep

**sexy owo: ** dsfhjsfgdhjds MY BAD THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT

**sexy owo: ** but yeah thats why dorothea isnt here

**sexy owo: ** bc she has a mutual and functional relationship

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** haha a what

**sexy uwu: ** how dare she

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ok but that still doesnt explain what this chat is for

**sexy owo: ** relationship advice

**sexy uwu: ** you see the flaw in your plan here right

**sexy uwu: ** asking for relationship advice from people who also are not in relationships

**sexy owo: ** hm maybe we should add dorothea after all

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** yeah good idea

**sexy owo has added girljs to the chatroom.**

**girljs: ** wuss boppin

**sexy owo: ** dorothea we need ur help we're gay and stupid

**girljs: ** im aware

**sexy owo: ** thanks

**girljs: ** wait so

**girljs: ** u guys want,, relationship advice???

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** please

**girljs: ** and just to confirm, sylvain

**girljs: ** this is about felix right

**girljs: ** not some random poor girl you decided to hit on

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** y

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** yeah

**girljs: ** okay cool

**girljs: ** bc im not here to enable ur thottery

**sexy uwu: ** HDFGDJHGDJ ENABLE HIS THOTTERY

**sexy owo: ** haha so sylvain youve got a

**sexy owo: ** as the kids these days would say,

**sexy owo: ** "crush"

**sexy owo: ** ;) ?

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** as the kids these days would say

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** mayhaps

**sexy uwu: ** no sylvain the kids these days would NOT say "mayhaps"

**sexy owo: ** yeah the kids these days wouldnt say that, they have better taste

**sexy uwu: ** to be fair we already knew sylvain's taste was shit, he has a crush on /felix/ of all people

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** shut the fuck up thats my emotional support twink

**sexy uwu: ** SDFHG SFDJKG DSF

**girljs: ** EMOTIONAL SUPPORT TWINK SDHDSFDGHSG

**sexy owo: ** SDAJHSGSD IM WHEEZIGN

**sexy owo:** WAIT LET ME DO SMTH REAL QUICK

  
  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 1:49 PM ]**

**sexy owo has changed while you were busy being heterosexual, i studied the blade's nickname to emotional support twink.**

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** GOD DAMN IT CLAUDE

**emotional support twink: ** what.

**sexy owo: ** ;))

  
  
  


**[ help - 1:50 PM ]**

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** i fucking hate you claude

**sexy owo: ** <3

**girljs: ** OKAY ANYWAYS what kind of advice do u guys want

**sexy uwu: ** how do i get girlfren

**girljs: ** u just gotta pray

**sexy uwu: ** DOROTHEA THATS NOT HELPFUL

**sexy uwu: ** HOW DID YOU DO IT

**girljs: ** sdfhsfgjds oh my god 

**girljs: ** i dont want to tell THAT story

**sexy owo: ** lmao well now you gotta

**girljs: ** maybe another time!!!

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** no cmon! tell us

**girljs: ** DO U WANT MY ADVICE OR NOT

**sexy uwu: ** SFDHDDFS FINE

**girljs: ** ok uh! hilda!!

**girljs: ** just keep doing what ur doing and ask mari out when when u feel comfortable abt it :) u got this!!

**sexy uwu: ** thx thea 💕

**girljs: ** sylvain

**girljs: ** stop hitting on random girls im literally begging u?? like?? its not doing u any favors??

**girljs: ** other than that uh??? u could probably work on ur honestly a little more

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** gotcha

**girljs: ** claude,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

**girljs: ** u had to go and like dimitri of all fucking people, which makes this considerably harder bc i mean?? whats up w that guy???

**girljs: ** idk maybe buy him a block of cheese or something to express ur affection

**girljs: ** i got nothing. ur on ur own

**sexy owo: ** thanks dorothea that was super helpful :)

**girljs: ** anytime :)

**girljs: ** anyways!!! im always here if u guys wanna talk to me abt ur little gay baby crushes 💖

**girljs: ** but rn i gotta go plan smth ;)))

**sexy uwu: ** what are you planning??

**girljs: ** youll see!!! give me half an hour 💖

**sexy owo: ** one fear

  
  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 2:19 PM ]**

**girljs: ** alright everyone its time!!!!!!!!!!!

**oovoo javer: ** eh??

**creeper: ** What do you mean?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Time… for what?

**sexy owo: ** ONE FEAR

**girljs: ** we're gonna play a game!!!!

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** What sort of game?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** dorothea, whatever you're doing, have you thought it through?

**girljs: ** yes of course!!!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** fucking doubt

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** doubt

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** doubt

**girljs: ** we're gonna play truth or dare babey!!!!!!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** ah fuck

**sexy uwu: ** of course

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** do you really think that's a smart idea?

**girljs: ** ofc it is!!!!

**Jared, 19: ** I am not sure of what this 'truth or dare' entails, but I have interest in participating!

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** yeah I'm down, what's the worst that could happen

**sexy owo: ** well since dorothea asked so nicely how could i refuse ;)))

**extra cheesy: ** i'll participate as well

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Annie, Lysithea and I were planning on taking a trip to the bakery in town, so we'll have to sit out on this one- sorry!

**sexy uwu: ** aw thats nice, have fun u guys!!

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Momcedes strikes again

**girljs: ** oh!! mercedes let me dm you real quick

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh? Go ahead!

  
  
  


**[ DM: girls -> 🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏 - 2:26 PM ]**

**girljs: ** could you ask bernadetta if she would come with you to the bakery?? shes been holed up in her room all day and i cant get her out

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Of course! I'll message her right now.

**girljs: ** thanks momcedes ur the best!!

  
  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 2:27 PM ]**

**girljs: ** okay SO!! rules!!!

**girljs: ** you can refuse a truth or dare but if you do so you have to do a round of karaoke to make up for it ;)))

**sleepy bitch disease: ** you're making these rules in your favor, arent you dorothea?

**sleepy bitch disease: ** since you enjoy karaoke, there's no downfall for you if you back out of a truth or dare

**girljs: ** dont worry!! cos i dont plan on backing out ;))

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** you better not

**girljs: ** anyone whos playing make ur way to the black eagles classroom!!!

**sexy owo: ** dimitri and i will be there in a sec!

**sexy uwu: ** oh? what are yall doing together ;))

**sexy owo: ** hes braiding my hair

**Marianne: ** aw,,!! thats nice;;

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** since when did you know how to braid hair dimitri?

**sexy owo: ** he doesnt but its okay :)

**extra cheesy: ** sorry, im trying my best

**extra cheesy: ** i've just... never felt hair this soft?

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** probably cos ur own hair is greasy and shampoo-less

**extra cheesy: ** please stop bringing up the shampoo thing

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** never

**sexy owo: ** stop being mean hes trying his BEST

**girljs: ** are u guys gonna come to the classroom or are u just gonna sit and chat

**sexy owo: ** HSDFSD SORRY THEA WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE

  
  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 2:34 PM ]**

**girljs:** are we all here?? 💖

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** I believe so.

**Jared, 19: ** I am not seeing anyone missing!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** dorothea why is this music so FUCKING loud

**girljs: ** cos its a bop caspar!!!!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** i dont give a fuck if its a bop, i cant hear anything any of you are saying

**sleepy bitch disease: ** how are we supposed to play the game like this?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i mean, we are all already on our phones, so we could just use them?

**girljs: ** yeah lets use our phones ;)))

**sexy uwu: ** you just want a written record of everyone's truths and dares, dont you

**girljs: ** hehe perhaps!! 💖

**Jared, 19: ** I would not be minding using our phones for this game! I am not seeing anything wrong with doing so?

**Marianne: ** uum id actually,,, prefer to use phones ttoo;; no offence tto any of youguys of course but i,,, find it easier to interact on our phones instead of talking hhaha

**sexy uwu: ** hey its alright mari!! we can use phones

**Marianne: ** thank you!! ;;

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** phones it is, then.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** whos going first?

**girljs: ** how about you ferdinand von aegir :)

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** it would be my pleasure :)

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** edelgard! truth or dare

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** of course you would choose me… 

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** dare.

**girljs: ** so brave,,

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** you better choose a good fucking dare ferdinand

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** you have to say "ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form" at the end of every message u send until the end of the game :)

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** nice

**creeper: ** That is ridiculous. Lady Edelgard, you needn't do this.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** deal. ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form.

**girljs: ** I HATE IT ALREADY

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** :)

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** leonie. truth or dare? ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** I really can't take you seriously when you have to end every message like that

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** please, don't make me send more messages than i need to. ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** lmao, sorry

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Dare?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** hm, give me a moment to think. ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** alright the ferdinand thing was funny for like two seconds now its just annoying

**sexy owo: ** no its still funny

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i also still think its funny :)

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** how's this for a dare- send us a screenshot of your internet search history? ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Ah…. fuck

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** [ Image attachment : _[hhhhhhhhhh.png](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/409290363312799745/615144399084716043/unknown.png)_ ]

**haha just kidding... unless?:** ,

**sexy uwu: ** HSDFHGDFS IM

**Moto Moto: ** Inch eresting searches you got there, Leonie!

**sexy owo: ** OH MY GOD

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ...wow. ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form.

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** feet pictures?

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Of course /you'd/ instantly point out the feet pics, lorenz

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** don't try and divert the attention off of yourself, leonie.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** not my fault you have a foot fetish?

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** i do not. stop saying that.

**sexy uwu: ** sounds like smth a person with a foot fetish would say :))

**extra cheesy: ** i… this search history sure is something.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** CAN WE PLEASE JUST MOVE ON?

**sexy owo: ** HJSDFHG NO WHY WERE YOU SEARCHING THIS STUFF

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** morbid curiousity. I'm sorry, alright?

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** let's move on!

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Caspar, truth or dare?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** dare! im not a fucking pussy

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Nice, I have a good one

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Speak in owo speak for the rest of the game

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** FUCK

**sexy uwu: ** HJHASDHSDNAGHSJHGJ

**sexy uwu: ** OH MY GOD YES

**sleepy bitch disease: ** haha, im sure you regret picking dare now

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO OWO SPEAK

**sleepy bitch disease: ** here, just use this  [ https://lingojam.com/EngwishtoOwOtwanswatow ](https://lingojam.com/EngwishtoOwOtwanswatow)

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** god damn it fine

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** i hate it awweady fuck you weonie

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** WEONIE

**sexy owo: ** HDSHJGSDFJHGDSF WEONIE OH MY GODD

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** that's my name. Weonie.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** fucking kiww me awweady

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** haha can you say owo

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** die owo

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** nice :)

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** ignatz twuth ow dawe

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** haha, I'll go with twuth!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** if you keep mocking me youw days awe numbewed

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** sorry!! truth

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** awwighty then

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** uhhhh descwibe the weiwdest dweam you've evew had

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** ahaha I dont even need to think about that one

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** so um I had this one dream where lorenz and I went to the hairdresser together to get bowl cuts

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** what.

**sexy uwu: ** JDFSGDSFJH WHAT

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** claude was there as well but he was.. upside down?

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** not even doing a headstand- just floating upside down?

**sexy owo: ** sounds like me :)

**sexy owo: ** was i the hairdresser??

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** nooo lol that was the professor!

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** oh my god?

**extra cheesy: ** this… sure sounds like an interesting dream?

**girljs: ** THIS JUST IN: PROFESSOR BYLETH DITCHES HER FISHING CAREER TO BECOME A HAIRDRESSER INSTEAD

**sexy owo: ** wait if i WASNT the hairdresser what was i doing there

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** you were just um?? standing in the corner of the room

**sexy owo: ** nice, i guess im hubert now

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** anyways! lorenz and I got our matching bowl cuts from the professor, but when we got back to the monastery, rhea told us we were infringing on the dress code and could only return to class when our hair was back to normal

**sexy uwu: ** HFSGJDSGJH RIP

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** hm.

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** and that was about it!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** thank you for sharing this story im in awe

**sexy owo: ** @ lorenz can we get matching bowl cuts

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** no.

**sexy owo: ** wow rejection

**sexy owo: ** hilda???? wanna get bowl cuts with me????

**sexy uwu: ** absolutely

**extra cheesy: ** please don't do that claude, i won't be able to braid your hair anymore if you do

**sexy owo: ** ah fuck, the man has a point

**sexy owo: ** maybe another time!!

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** umm.. claude! truth or dare?

**sexy owo: ** do u even have to ask ;))

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** ah, dare, then?

**sexy owo: ** yup!

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** ohhh gosh haha… give me a moment to think of a good one, okay?

**Moto Moto: ** You got this, Ignatz!

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** thank you!! I hope so haha

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** umm.. go onto Seteth's facebook page and like every post from the past year?

**sexy owo: ** JDFSJDS FUCK ALRIGHT

**sexy owo: ** i got this i'm seteth's #1 fan ;)))

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** I hope that was an alright dare!

**Moto Moto: ** It was good, Ignatz!

**sexy uwu: ** seteth's gonna be so confused it'll be great

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** I really do pity that man sometimes.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** as do i. 

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** he's used to it at this point, i'm sure

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** edelgard i think you forgot something at the end of your message there ;)

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ...ah, indeed i did. ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form.

**girljs: ** GOD i still hate this

**sexy owo: ** ALRIGHT IM DONE

**sexy owo: ** seteth sure is gonna have a lot of notifications when he next checks his facebook!

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** the fucking madman actually did it…….

**sexy uwu: ** HSDFGDSF NICE

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<:** poor Seteth..

**sexy owo: ** sylvain! truth or dare

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** im not a coward

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** dare

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** you fucking fool

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** You've made a big mistake sylvain

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** DO YOUR WORST CLAUDE

**sexy owo: ** if you insist :)

**sexy owo: ** lick the feet of the sexiest person in this room

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** never FUCKING mind

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** karaoke it is

**girljs: ** coward

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** coward

**sleepy bitch disease: ** coward

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** IM NOT LICKING ANYONES FEET

**deathknightdestroyer69 is online.**

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** lorenz can't relate.

**girljs: ** OH MY GOD

**sexy owo: ** I CHO KED

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** for crying out loud.

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** i've said it before and i will say it again, i do NOT have a foot fetish.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Keep telling yourself that bud

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** holy shit

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** aww cmon guys, don't be mean!

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** yes, listen to ignatz.

**girljs: ** yeah guys we shouldnt kinkshame ://

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** my bad

**sexy uwu: ** lysithea id die for you

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** you will.

**sexy uwu: ** I LOOK FORWARD TO IT

**oovoo javer: ** hey lysithea, how are you online?? arent you at the bakery rn??

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** I am. but I sensed that there was a perfect oppurtunity for me to insult lorenz in this chat and so I was summoned.

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** I'll be going now

**deathknightdestroyer69 is offline.**

**sexy owo: ** goodbye u tiny legend

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** hey can we just focus on lorenz's foot fetish and forget about the karaoke

**sexy owo: ** absolutely not

**Moto Moto: ** Rules are rules, Sylvain!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** you dont get to escape this one

**sexy owo: ** give me a sec to find a song ;))

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** i can already feel the regret

**girljs: ** USDFHJ WAIT I HAVE THE PERFECT SONG CLAUDE CAN I MAKE A SUGGESTION

**sexy owo: ** go ahead ;))

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** PLEASE HAVE MERCY

**girljs: ** [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUOdO5dqPeU ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUOdO5dqPeU)

**sexy owo: ** USDHJSDFGASNFDHSDGFSDGFGHSJDFGHSJDF

**sexy owo: ** YES SING THAT

**sexy uwu: ** OH MYGOD

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** YES

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** FUCKKK

**extra cheesy: ** this will be… interesting

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i cant wait, get up there sylvain

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** time for me to DIE i guess

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** finally

**girljs: ** STOP STALLING AND START SINGING

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** OKAY IM GOING

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** There he goes

**sexy uwu: ** wow?? hes really putting his all into it

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** what an ungodly noise

**girljs: ** hes trying his best but at what cost

**extra cheesy: ** i like this song

**sexy owo: ** thats nice buddy

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** hewe comes the chowus

**girljs: ** BELT IT HONEY

**sexy uwu: ** DONT BE SCARED TO COMEEE PUT YOUR TRUST IN ME

**girljs: ** CANT YOU SEE THAT ALLLL I REALLY WANNA BE

**sexy owo: ** IS YOUR BOYFRIEND

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** CANT FIGHT THAT

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** KNOCK ME DOWN YOU KNOW IM COMING RIGHT BACK

**emotional support twink: ** this is ridiculous.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **I bet that Felix wishes sylvain was singing this to him

**emotional support twink: ** no.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** didnt mewcedes say we'we not awwowed to tease those two anymowe

**sexy owo: ** momcedes isnt here rn we can do what we want

**girljs: ** JHSDFGHSDGJ MOMCEDES ISNT HOME TIME FOR BULLYING

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** OH MY GOD ITS FINALLY OVER

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** im never singing again that was awful

**girljs: ** thank you please dont

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** you werent that bad, sylvain!

**extra cheesy: ** i thought it was fine?

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** please dont patronize me i just want to pretend this event in my life never happened and move on

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** good call

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** hilda truth or dare!

**sexy uwu: ** hmu with that dare ;))

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** do dimitri's makeup

**girljs: ** OH MY GOD PLEASE DO

**sexy uwu: ** GLADLY

**extra cheesy: ** what? i didn't agree to this

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** too bad?

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Is there anything in the rules that say Dimitri must participate? He was not the one who was dared, so this seems unfair.

**oovoo javer: ** yeah cmon!! dont force him into it guys

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** i think he shouwdnt get a say in the mattew

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **hm, i don't think it seems very fair, either… ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form.

**Marianne: ** uum we shouldnt force anyone into anything theyre not ccomfortable with right ;;;

**sexy owo: ** heyyy dont worry dimitri, hilda's a makeup queen!! im sure she'll make you look great :)

**extra cheesy: ** fine, i'll agree to it. just please don't do anything too ridiculous?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** if mercedes and annette were here, they'd be ecstatic

**girljs: ** we'll make sure to take pictures to show them later!! 💖💖💖

**sexy uwu: ** alright brb!! im gonna get my makeup kit!!

**sexy uwu: ** dw dimitri ur gonna look STUNNING ;))

**extra cheesy: ** please don't make me regret agreeing to this…

  
  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 3:01 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** wow you were

**sexy owo: ** not kidding when you said youd make him look stunning

**girljs: ** claude do u need a moment

**sexy owo: ** IM GOOD

**extra cheesy: ** how long do i need to keep this on for?..

**sexy owo: ** forever

**sexy uwu: ** claude im taking away your phone before you embarass yourself further, you can have it back in five minutes

**sexy owo: ** GOOD CALL

**sexy owo is offline.**

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** damn hilda, you are really good at makeup

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i was gonna make fun of dimitri but i dont even think i can?

**Jared, 19: ** He looks quite lovely!

**oovoo javer: ** you do look really nice dimitri!!

**extra cheesy: ** could we please move on?

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Of course. Let's continue with the game now.

**Marianne: ** oh um hilda um!!

**Marianne: ** uum i dont want to bother you or anything bbut um

**Marianne: ** like if youre busy i understand and all but um

**Marianne: ** its okay to say no but would yyou be alright with doing my makeup sometime?? uum i just think

**Marianne: ** id like it if you did

**sexy uwu: ** sdfhnsjsd ID LOVE TO!!

**Marianne: ** tthank you so much!!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** awe we going to continue with the fucking game ow what

**sexy uwu: ** YEAH WE ARE JUST LET ME GIVE CLAUDE HIS PHONE BACK

**sexy owo is online.**

**sexy owo: ** i lived bitch

**sexy uwu: ** ALRIGHT DOROTHEA TRUTH OR DARE

**girljs: ** uhhh gonna mix things up a lil!! truth 💖

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** fuckin weak

**sexy uwu: ** no im glad she said truth!!

**girljs:** oh no i dont like the sound of that

**sexy uwu: ** tells us the story of how u and edelgard started dating!!!!

**girljs: ** HJSF FUCKKK I SHOULDVE SEEN THAT COMINg

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** haha. you'll all enjoy this story. ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form.

**sexy owo: ** NOW IM EVEN MORE INTERESTED

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** surely it can't be that bad?

**girljs: ** udfashnfdghdfjgsfdhjsdgfsjhgdhjghj GODDDD okay here we go

**girljs: ** ummmm so!! this one time i got like SUPER drunk

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** you drink?

**girljs: ** NOT USUALLY IT WAS ONLY ONE TIME

**girljs: ** anyways

**extra cheesy: ** wait, why were you drinking? was there any specific reason?

**girljs: ** fsdhgdfjsdf fuck umm

**girljs: ** PLEASE dont tell manuela about this itll make her really sad :(

**girljs: ** but i think shes really cool and i really idolize her yknow!!! shes like,, my hero

**Jared, 19:** Ah, I do have remembrance of you mentioning something of the sort to me before, yes! Her and you were at the same opera company, correct?

**girljs: ** YEAH YEAH we were in the opera together!! she was so cool 💖

**girljs: ** so!! on this particular day i thought maybe i should try getting drunk like she does?? see what its all about??

**girljs: ** turns out!! i dont handle alcohol very well

**girljs: ** so i got hella drunk and edie found me like that

**girljs: ** this is already so embarassing oh my GOD fhgfhjgfdsjgsdfjk

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** keep going. ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form.

**girljs: ** JSDFHGJ SO SHE UM

**girljs: ** so um edie was looking after me while i was drunk and i started uhh

**girljs: ** SAYING SUM…………. REGRETTABLE THINGS

**Marianne: ** what kind of,,, uum,,, regrettable things??

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** "ohhhhhh edie i love you sooooooo muchhhhhh"

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** "edieeee i love your eyesss theyre so beautiful and eye-shapedddd"

**Please Decapitate Me With You Axe: ** ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form. sorry, forgot to say it.

**extra cheesy: ** eye-shaped..?

**sexy owo: ** OH MY GOD DID SHE ACTUALLY SAY THAT

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** wow dowothea youwe a fucking disastew

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** damn… and i thought i was smooth

**sexy uwu: ** huh so this is the key to getting a girlfriend

**girljs: ** HNNNGNGNGNDFHGSFDDSS STOPPPP I WAS DRUNKKK

**girljs: ** SO YEAh I BASICALLY CONFESSED WHILE DRUNK

**Jared, 19: ** Ah… I must say, I had been expecting a different sort of story?

**sexy uwu: ** sfdhnsj me too?? but im not disappointed

**sleepy bitch disease: ** honestly, i didnt think dorothea was that much of a disaster gay

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** yeah im surprised too?

**girljs: ** the more u know,,,,,

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ah, well i hope you all enjoyed that story. i certainly did :) ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form

**girljs: ** now my own girlfriend is bullying me. look at what u guys have done

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** you know i love you, dorothea 💖 ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form

**girljs: ** edie i love you too but i hate that you have to end every fucking message with that goddamn sentence

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** it won't be for much longer, don't worry. ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form

**emotional support twink: ** are we going to hurry up and continue with the game? i just want it to be over already.

**girljs: ** HSJDSFDHG RIGHT MY BAD

**girljs: ** hubie!!! truth or dare ;)))

**creeper: ** Dare, I suppose.

**girljs: ** hehe

**girljs: ** say one nice thing about everyone here

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** oh wow thats a good one

**creeper: ** What.

**girljs: ** u heard me!! its this or the karaoke

**creeper: ** Hm. Fine.

**creeper: ** Lady Edelgard.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** of fucking couwse he'd stawt with hew

**creeper: ** Your ambition is both admirable and inspirational, as is your dedication. I will forever guard your honor and your safety with my life.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** thank you, hubert. you know i treasure your loyalty and company. ferdinand von aegir is absolutely my superior in every way, shape, and form.

**girljs: ** WOW i feel like a third wheel rn

**sexy uwu: ** i dont know if this is sweet or weird

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** definitely weird

**creeper: ** Dorothea. I suppose you're not the worst person who Lady Edelgard could have chosen to date. I tolerate you.

**girljs:** awww sweet of u hubiee 💖💖💖

**creeper: ** Petra. I tolerate you as well. You're okay.

**Jared, 19: ** I thank you?

**creeper: ** Linhardt. You're smart, sometimes.

**sleepy bitch disease: ** ill take it

**creeper: ** Caspar. You scream a lot.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** THATS NOT A FUCKING COMPLIMENT???

**sleepy bitch disease: ** i think you mean "thats not a fucking compwiment"

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** FUCK MY BAD

**girljs: ** this is going downhill faster than i thought

**creeper: ** Ferdinand. Your taste in beverages is abysmal.

**creeper: ** Bernadetta. You're not very useful.

**creeper: ** Dimitri. I don't like you.

**extra cheesy: ** ah

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Watch your mouth, Hubert.

**creeper: ** I will not. Moving on.

**creeper: ** Felix. You're insufferable, but occasionally, you say something agreeable.

**emotional support twink: ** don't talk to me.

**creeper: ** I'd be happy not to.

**creeper: ** Ingrid. I don't know much about you.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** lets keep it that way

**creeper: ** Sylvain. I can and will kill you if you ever breathe in Lady Edelgard's direction.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** im flattered

**sexy uwu: ** SFDHGSJD IS HE JUST THREATENING PEOPLE NOW

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** seems like it

**creeper: ** Dedue. Loyalty is a good trait, but that's about it.

**creeper: ** Mercedes. You could be worse.

**creeper: ** Annette. You seem naive.

**creeper: ** Ashe. I don't know anything about you either.

**creeper: ** Claude.

**creeper: ** Hilda. You have pink hair.

**sexy uwu: ** yes i do :)

**girljs: ** DFHGASDJ DID HE JUST SAY "CLAUDE" AND NOTHING ELSE

**sexy owo: ** ouch……….

**creeper: ** Leonie. Your obsession with the professor's father is strange.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Thanks

**creeper: ** Lysithea. You're alright.

**creeper: ** Lorenz. You're ridiculous and need a new haircut.

**sexy uwu: ** finally he says something i can agree with

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** i didn't ask for your opinion.

**creeper: ** Marianne. I don't know much about you either, but you seem bearable.

**Marianne: ** um,, thank you ;;

**creeper: ** Ignatz. I have heard you have artistic talent.

**creeper: ** Raphael. You seem quite stupid.

**Moto Moto: ** What the hell man

**girljs: ** alright!! that was awful

**sleepy bitch disease: ** to be fair, what did you expect?

**creeper: ** It is my turn now, yes?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** yeah it is

**creeper: ** Hm, alright.

**creeper: ** Dimitri. "Truth or dare"?

**extra cheesy: ** uh, dare, i guess?

**sexy owo: ** top ten photos taken SECONDS before disaster

**creeper: ** Commit murder.

**girljs: ** ,

**extra cheesy: ** ,

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** ,

**Marianne: ** ,

**sexy owo: ** there it is

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** What is wrong with you, Hubert?

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Yikes

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** hes….. hes fucking kidding right

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** haha funny joke hubert!

**creeper: ** Not joking.

**girljs: ** AAAAND we're gonna end the game there!! i hate you all!!!

**extra cheesy: ** good call

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** yeah im out, felix and i are gonna take cat the cat for a walk

**Marianne: ** uum,,, i ddont think youre supposed to take cats for walks?? ;;

**emotional support twink: ** you are now.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** neither of us know how to look after a cat ok we're doing our best

**emotional support twink: ** i know how to look after a cat.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** YOU TRIED TO FEED HER LETTUCE

**emotional support twink: ** SHE WAS HUNGRY

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** CATS ARE CARNIVOROUS FELIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://twitter.com/springbutbetter as always, heres my twitter!! come say hello!!
> 
> tbh, and i dont say this enough- thank you all so much for the attention this fic has received?? im in awe?? i just came here to make my dumb gay baby chatfic and yall are so nice to me like what the fuck fsdhfsdhgsdf :')
> 
> also i might have truth or dare pt 2 in another chapter since i didnt get through too many characters in this one!! ;0c


	7. seteth's scrubs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **haha just kidding... unless?:** so yea thats the story of why im legally not allowed to be within five metres of flayn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minor spoilers for bernadetta's backstory at the end of the chapter, as well as tw for implied/referenced abuse

**[ Black Eagles Chatroom - 2:17 AM ]**

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **alright who the fuck is it

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **who the FUCK is blasting TAYLOR SWIFT at TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING

**girljs: **BABY DONT YOU SEEEEEEEE

**girljs: **YOU BELONG WITH MEEEEEEEEE

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **DOROTHEA IS IT YOU

**girljs: **nope im just singing along!!

**girljs: **but im guessing its ferdie playing the music?? he told me hes a swiftie lol

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **DOROTHEA

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR:** YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDNT TELL

**girljs: **IM SORRY

**girljs: **BUT YOU CANT EXPECT ME TO KEEP A SECRET LIKE THAT FERDIE

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **SO FERDINANDS THE ONE PLAYING THE FUCKING MUSIC THEN??

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **NO IM NOT ACTUALLY

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **THEN WHO THE FUCK IS IT HUH

**Jared, 19: **Could you all be calming down, please? I am not with the belief that this should be something to fight over!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **IS IT YOU PLAYING THIS FUCKING MUSIC PETRA

**girljs: **hey!! dont yell at petra

**Jared, 19: **Please, do not be yelling! It is not me, though.

**girljs: **chill out caspar its just music!!

**girljs: **i guess u could say ;))

**girljs: **u need to calm down ;)))

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **YOU NEED TO JUST STOP

**girljs: **LIKE CAN YOU JUST NOT

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **STEP ON MY GOWN

**girljs: **YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TELL ME WHOS PLAYING THIS MUSIC

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **perhaps it's someone from a different house?

**creeper: **That seems like a reasonable explanation, yes.

**girljs: **seems like a sylvain thing tbh

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **or claude and hilda

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **or all three.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **whoever it is im gonna FUCKING murder them

**Jared, 19: **Do not be murdering anyone!

**Jared, 19: **I am thinking this music is very nice, actually.

**girljs: **omg petra i cant believe ur a swiftie too!!! ugh solidarity 💕

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **swifties unite 🤝

**girljs: **🤝

**Jared, 19: **🤝

**Jared, 19: **Did I do that correct?

**girljs: **yes!!!! u got it honey

**Jared, 19: **I am glad!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **i dont give a FUCK about your swiftie solidarity

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **ouch

**girljs: **i cant believe we just got "i dont care that you broke your elbow"d

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **if you wake linhardt up with your stupid loud music ill fucking kill you

**girljs: **sdfhgdshjgfsd that man can sleep through anything, he'll be fine

**girljs: **@Jared, 19 @*ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR sounds like the music isnt gonna stop so do u guys wanna come to my dorm and jam to taylor swift

**Jared, 19: **Pardon me… what is 'jam' meaning?

**girljs: **oh it means like!!! sing and dance lol

**Jared, 19: **Oh! In that case, yes, I would be liking that greatly!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **i cant believe this is what it takes for dorothea to be nice to me

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **our shared love of taylor swift

**girljs: **💖💖💖 only respect for my swifties!!!

**girljs: **now you two hurry up and get to my dorm!! i have our hairbrush microphones ready to go ;))

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **gotcha

**Jared, 19: **I will be there soon!

**girljs is offline.**

**Jared, 19 is offline.**

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR is offline.**

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **ughhhh now we have to listen to their screaming on top of the already shitty music

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **and this STILL doesnt explain who the fuck is playing the fucking music in the first place

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **once again, perhaps it is someone from a different house. maybe you can ask in the shared chatroom?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **ugh fine

  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 2:25 AM ]**

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **which of you fuckers is blasting taylor swift at 2am

**haha just kidding… unless?: **not me?? but whoever it is has good taste

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **THEY REALLY FUCKING DONT

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **chill

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ah… why are you all awake at this hour? You should really be trying to get a healthy amount of sleep, you know!

**so basically, im babey: **but mercie, youre awake too?? :o

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Aha, I suppose that's true… sorry, I don't want to be a bad example!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **im awake because someone WONT TURN OFF THEIR FUCKING MUSIC

**oovoo javer: **whats wrong with this music??

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: **I don't think theres anything wrong with it?? aha

**haha just kidding… unless?: **nothings wrong with it its perfect

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: **i'm placing my bets on claude and hilda. they are suspiciously silent.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **maybe theyre just asleep like normal people

**Marianne: **oh um!! hildas with me right now its not her;;

**haha just kidding... unless?: **oh what are yall doing together ;))

**Marianne: **she was braiding my hair,,!! but she ffell asleep a little while ago aha

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Aww, that's cute!

**sexy owo: **its not me either

**sexy owo: **im swimming

**extra cheesy: **you're… what?

**sexy owo: **swimming

**deathknightdestroyer69: **what.

**sexy owo: **gosh you people make me repeat myself so often

**sexy owo: **im SWIMMING in the FISHING POND

**sexy owo: **got it? or do i need to say it again

**extra cheesy: **you're. what

**sexy owo: **you heard me

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **what the fuck is wrong with you

**so basically, im babey: **how are you on your phone while swimming?? :o

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: **claude!! you shouldn't be swimming at 2am

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, no! Aren't you cold?

**sexy owo: **woah thats a lot of questions guys! let me breathe haha

**sexy owo: **since the professor seems so into fishing i wanted to try it out. see what its all about yknow

**sexy owo: **but turns out there werent any fishing rods available at 2ma, i think they pack them up in the evening

**sexy owo: **so i decided to do things the good old fashioned way and go for a dive :)

**sexy owo: **and yes, mercedes, i am freezing

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Claude… :c

**extra cheesy: **claude, i swear one day you are going to give me a heart attack from all these stunts you pull!

**extra cheesy: **get out of the pond, okay? i'll bring you a towel

**sexy owo: **thanks dima i owe you my life

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **well if its not claude and its not hilda playing the fucking music

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **WHO THE FUCK IS IT THEN

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **caspar, perhaps you should just let it rest for now. i doubt the culrpit is going to reveal themself.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **just try to ignore it and get some rest.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **ughhhhh

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **fine

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **goodnight yall, when i find out who was playing the music you'll be fucking sorry

  
  


**[ DM: Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe -> creeper - 2:39 AM ]**

**creeper: **Thank you for directing the attention off of myself.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **of course.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i wasn't aware you were a taylor swift fan?

**creeper: **Do we really have to talk about this?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **aha, sorry. i'm just a little surprised.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **it doesn't really fit with your 'aesthetic'.

**creeper: **Lady Edelgard, please.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **haha. my apologies, hubert. enjoy your music.

  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 7:06 AM ]**

**emotional support twink: **@haha just kidding… unless?

**emotional support twink: **@haha just kidding… unless?

**emotional support twink: **@haha just kidding… unless?

**emotional support twink: **@haha just kidding… unless?

**emotional support twink: **@haha just kidding… unless?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **what the fuck are you doing

**emotional support twink: **trying to wake him up.

**emotional support twink: **@haha just kidding… unless?

**emotional support twink: **@haha just kidding… unless?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **felix whjat theufkc it s so early

**emotional support twink: **i don't care. give me my jacket back.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **whta

**emotional support twink: **my jacket. i gave it to you on the movie night, remember? you haven't given it back, and i need it.

**girljs: **FELLAS IS IT GAY

**haha just kidding… unless?: **oh rigth my bad

**haha just kidding… unless?: **did you have to ask in the group chat

**haha just kidding… unless?: **we have dms u know

**emotional support twink: **i've dm'd you about it every day for the past three days and it didn't work. i thought maybe asking you here would be more effective.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **haha right my bad ;)

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **fellas...

**sexy owo: **FELLAS

**sexy uwu: **fellas…. its gay

**haha just kidding… unless?: **see htis is why you shouldnt ask in a public chat felix. look at whta you did

**emotional support twink: **i don't care.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, my! I don't think I've ever seen you all up so early. Good morning, everyone!

**so basically, im babey: **morning mercie!!

**deathknightdestroyer69: **morning

**haha just kidding… unless?: **mornging

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **sylvain isnt a morning person huh

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i gto like two hours of sleep okay let me lvie

**girljs: **weak! i didnt sleep at all

**so basically, im babey: **oh noo!! why didnt you sleep dorothea?? :c

**girljs: **i was too busy jamming to taylor swift

**haha just kidding… unless?: **okay fair

**girljs: **ferdie's weak he passed out after 3 hours of singing

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **ferdinand likes taylor swift?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR is online.**

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **DORTHE A

**girljs: **gmorning ferdie!!!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **STPO EXPOSING ME

**girljs: **IM EXPOSING YOU FOR HAVING GOOD TASTE YOU SHOULD BE FLATTERED

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **dorothea, you should really try to be getting a good amount of sleep every night.

**girljs: **fsdnhsdfghds PLEASE IM FINE

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i'm just worried about you, alright? you need to take care of yourself.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **💕

**girljs: **gdsfdfhhfdsgd 💕💕💕

**sexy uwu: **wow goals

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Aww, you guys are such a sweet couple.

**sexy owo: **god i wish that were me

  
  


**[ help - 12:44 PM ]**

**haha just kidding... unless?: **hey

**haha just kidding... unless?: **is "will you be the sasuke to my naruto" an acceptable way to ask someone out

**girljs: **absolutely not

**sexy uwu: **PLEASE tell me you didnt say that to felix

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i might have

**sexy owo: **SYLVAIN

**sexy owo: **OH MY GOD

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i think he thought i was joking

**girljs: **YEAH OF COURSE HE DID

**girljs: **HJSDFGJD THATS NOT HOW YOU CONFESS YOU FOOL

**haha just kidding... unless?: **oh my bad! guess i'll do things ur way and tell him all about what shape his eyes are

**sexy owo: **OUCH

**sexy uwu: **too much salt

**girljs: **HDFSGJSF SHUT UPP ABOUT THE EYE SHAPED THING FOR THE LAST TIME I WAS DRUNK

**girljs: **wait

**sexy uwu: **oh no

**girljs: **WAIT I HAVE A GREAT IDEA

**sexy owo: **OH NO

**haha just kidding... unless?: **ill get the fire extinguisher

**sexy uwu: **i have the professor on speed dial

**sexy owo: **ill contact the ambulance in advance

**girljs: **MY IDEAS ARENT THAT BAD

**sexy owo: **tell that to the dining hall

**haha just kidding... unless?: **,

**haha just kidding... unless?: **WAIT THEA YOURE THE ONE WHO DESTROYED THE DINING HALL??

**girljs: **,

**girljs: **CLAUDE HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW

**sexy owo: **i saw yall ;))

**girljs: **ah FUCK i've been clowned

**sexy uwu: **i guess ur boo boo the fool huh

**girljs: **guess i am :'(

**haha just kidding... unless?: **in hindsight i should have guessed

**girljs: **dont tell dimitri okay please

**haha just kidding... unless?: **youll have to buy my silence

**girljs: **ill buy it with my amazing plan ;)))

**haha just kidding... unless?: **oh no

**girljs: **okay SO

**girljs: **i confessed to edie while drunk right

**girljs: **so we just have to get yall drunk

**girljs: **and let nature do its thing

**sexy uwu: **awful, next

**girljs: **NO HEAR ME OUT

**sexy owo: **sounds disasterous im in

**girljs: **finally an intellectual

**haha just kidding... unless?: **you know what im down

**haha just kidding... unless?: **sounds like an awful idea but fuck it i got nothing better

**girljs: **wait really???

**girljs: **ok that was easier than i expected nice

**girljs: **i'll get edie to help me organise a party!! give us a couple of weeks alright??

**sexy owo: **a couple of weeks until our deaths

**haha just kidding... unless?: **why are we doing this

**sexy uwu: **this is such a terrible idea

**girljs: **HSDFGJD STOP HATING YALL ALREADY AGREED

  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 2:23 PM ]**

**sexy uwu: **anyone have the answers to the test we have tomorrow

**haha just kidding... unless?: **im sorry we have a what tomorrow

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **ah fuck

**girljs: **AH FUCK

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **oh my god we have a test? what the fuck is it on

**sleepy bitch disease: **caspar, do we need another last minute study session?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **ILL MEET YOU IN THE LIBRARY IN TEN MINUTES

**Jared, 19: **Oh! May I also be attending this study session? I would like to revise before the test.

**sleepy bitch disease: **please, feel free

**girljs: **sdfhgfdshjd yeah im coming too i need HELP

**haha just kidding... unless?: **im also coming. im so fucked oh my god

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh! I'll come to the library to help you guys out.

**sexy uwu: **i dont want revision or a study session i just want the answers

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: **Why are you asking in a chat that Professor Byleth can see?

**sexy uwu: **im not scared of her

**spill the tea kween is online.**

**sexy uwu: **NVM IM TERRIFIED OF HER

**sexy owo: **HSDFGJDF HILDA YOU FUCKED UP

**spill the tea kween: **Hello, everyone. I'm glad to see you're all prepared for tomorrow's test.

**girljs: **ouch byleth going in for the kill

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **im sorry for disappointing you mother but i am just a mere simpleton unprepared for the harsh life of school tests

**sexy uwu: **HJSDFGSDF I TOO AM JUST A MERE SIMPLETON PLEASE GO EASY ON ME

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i have done adequate revision for tomorrow's test, professor.

**extra cheesy: **as have i.

**sexy owo: **i have done nothing and im screwed

**spill the tea kween: **Good to know, Claude.

**sexy uwu: **sorry byleth im just gonna accept that im fucked for this test

**sexy uwu: **im gonna drop out of school and become a stripper

**girljs: **FOLLOW UR DREAMS

**haha just kidding... unless?: **can i join you hilda

**sexy uwu: **of course

**Marianne: **oh um!! hhilda if you want i can help you revise?? ;;

**sexy uwu: **oh

**sexy uwu: **actually thatd be great!! thanks mari

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **you guys should take school more seriously

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ingrid's right… this is important!

**spill the tea kween: **It's not that important, actually. I never went to school.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **NICE

**girljs: **, omg

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **really?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, wow! I wouldn't have expected that.

**creeper: **More proof that Rhea must have been out of her mind, making you a professor here.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **hubert.

**creeper: **Apologies, Lady Edelgard.

**spill the tea kween: **Don't tell Manuela or Hanneman I'm saying this, of course. But I really don't see these tests as incredibly important.

**sexy uwu: **NICE

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **this is why byleth is the cool professor

**sexy owo: **TIME TO FAIL

**spill the tea kween: **Of course, I still expect you all to pass. The test really isn't that difficult.

**sexy owo: **ah fuck

**sexy owo: **@extra cheesy hey dima please help me study

**extra cheesy: **oh, alright- library?

**sexy owo: **sounds good thx

  
  


**[ DM: sexy uwu -> sexy owo - 2:29 PM ]**

**sexy uwu: **'dima' huh ;))

**sexy owo: **'mari' huh ;)))

**sexy uwu: **HUH ;))))

**sexy owo: **HUHH ;)))))

  
  
  


**[ extra cheesy simpletons - 3:22 PM ]**

**litle creacher has joined the chatroom.**

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh- hello there! If you don't mind me asking, who are you?

**litle creacher: **wot the fukk is this

**litle creacher: **who the fukk are ya scrubz

**sexy uwu: **,

**haha just kidding… unless?: **wh.

**girljs: **e

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **who

**deathknightdestroyer69: **um hello? who are you and how'd you join this chat?

**litle creacher: **i haxxed my way in2 dis chatroom u fukkin scrubz

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **im sorry you what

**sexy owo: **this is surreal

**sexy uwu: **what is happening

**litle creacher: **ill fukkin 360noscope you ya bitch

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **who are you and why do you type like a 12 year old in the youtube comments

**litle creacher: **fight me irl (ง'̀-'́)ง

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨:** what is this

**sexy owo: **where AM i

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **what year is it

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Who… is this?

**spill the tea kween: **Based on the username… Flayn? Is that you?

**girljs: **fdhjsdffsdgsd SURELY its not flayn

**litle creacher: **thats me name u fukkin scrubbbb

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **WHAT

**so basically, im babey: **flayn?? really?? this doesnt sound like her :o

**extra cheesy: **surely it cant be flayn?

**litle creacher: **yez itz me

**spill the tea kween: **Flayn. Did someone tell you to type like this?

**litle creacher: **ya but they toldz me not 2 tell u about it

**litle creacher: **oh um I mean

**litle creacher: **no of course not ya fukkin scrub, this is the realz meh

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **she's as bad a liar as she's ever been, i see.

**sexy owo: **im fuckigbnfdf wheezing so hard rn you guys holy SHIT

**girljs: **IM CRYING YO FLAYN HONEY ARE U ALRIGHT

**litle creacher: **u fukkin wot m8

**litle creacher: **if u wanna fight we gon fight u fukkin scrubz. 1v1 me irl b*tch

**deathknightdestroyer69: **why is bitch censored

**sexy uwu: **i. i dont know

**litle creacher: **yah yeet

**sexy owo: **USFDHJGS PLEASE STOPPP IM GONNA HAVE A STROKE

**extra cheesy: **flayn, please speak normally…

**litle creacher: **fukkin lit fam dab on the scrubz

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **DAB ON THE SCRU B Z DSFGFH GDFSH

**Jared, 19: **Um… what is a 'scrub'?

**girljs: **HJSDFGSD DW ABT IT PETRA

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **imagine if Seteth heard about this

**litle creacher: **seteth is a SCRUB

**sexy owo: **,

**girljs: **,

**sexy uwu: **HO MY GOD

**sexy owo: **HSDFUIASDJKSDFGFDSJDFSSFD

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **SETETH IS A SCRUB

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **OH MY GOD???

**girljs: **IM IN TEARS

**spill the tea kween: **Flayn, please, listen to me. 

**spill the tea kween: **Someone has pulled a joke on you by asking you to type like this. Please type to us how you would to, say, your brother.

**litle creacher: **oh… 

**litle creacher: **Oh! OH, MY, I AM SO SO SORRY!

**litle creacher: **I was informed these words were expressions of endearment! Truly, my sincerest apologies!..

**litle creacher: **Especially to you, Professor! I am so dreadfully sorry that I called you a "fukkin scrub"! :'(

**spill the tea kween: **It's quite alright, Flayn. I must admit I was quite amused watching you speak like that.

**litle creacher: **Oh, please do not tease me like that, Professor! I'm so embarassed already!

**spill the tea kween: **Hahaha, sorry, Flayn.

**spill the tea kween: **Let's keep word of this event confined within this chatroom for now, alright? I am certain Seteth would have a fit if he ever heard of it.

**litle creacher: **Yes, let's!

**spill the tea kween: **Now, will you tell me who told you to speak like this in the first place, Flayn?

**girljs: **byleth is being such a mom omg

**litle creacher: **Oh… I'm dreadfully sorry, really, but I don't want them to get in trouble! They asked me not to tell anyone…

**spill the tea kween: **Don't worry about it, then. I'm sure whoever it was will come forwards soon.

**sexy uwu: **claude

**girljs: **claude

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **claude.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **claude

**extra cheesy: **claude?

**haha just kidding... unless?: **yeah it was definitely claude

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **got something you wanna share with the class, claude?

**sexy owo: **HFSDJHDS WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS IT WASNT ME

**spill the tea kween: **I'm sure whoever it was will come forwards soon.

**spill the tea kween:** :)

**sexy uwu: **terrifying

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **i fear for my life

**haha just kidding... unless?: **hey flayn important question

**litle creacher: **I'm sorry, Sylvain! I tried to reason with him, but Seteth refuses to remove the restraining order.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **ITS

**haha just kidding... unless?: **NOT ABOUT THE RESTRAINING ORDER

**emotional support twink: **what.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **im sorry its not about the what

**so basically, im babey: **oh?? why do you have a restraining order on sylvain :o

**haha just kidding... unless?: **oh m ygod no dont say it

**litle creacher: **Seteth once witnessed him… I believe the phrase was 'hitting on' the Saint Cethleann statue?

**haha just kidding... unless?: **H

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **e

**sexy owo: **I JUST CHOKED

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **oh my fucking GOD

**sexy uwu: **,

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: **a… a statue

**emotional support twink: **you've got to be fucking kidding me.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ah.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **wow.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: **Why were you… doing that?

**girljs: **IM CRYINGDFHGFDHJDS WHY WERE YOU HITTING ON A STATUEE

**haha just kidding... unless?: **HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **yeah sylvain wanna share with the class

**extra cheesy: **i'm… i don't know what to say.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i fuckigndhgfdf

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i was practicing

**haha just kidding... unless?: **mmmmmmy pickup lines

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **OH MY GODDD

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **LMAO THERE IT IS

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<:** Wow. Just, wow.

**emotional support twink: **of course you were.

**sexy owo: **IM PISSIGN

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **FUCKSDFHGFSDH

**girljs: **HASDFHASDJFGSDJSDF

**girljs: **UISDFHJASDHJDFJSFGHJDFGJSDFGDS IM GONNA CHOKE

**creeper: **This is pathetic.

**sexy uwu: **I CANT BREATHEEEEE

**deathknightdestroyer69: **not even lorenz is that desperate, huh?

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: **hey.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, Sylvain...

**Jared, 19: **This is quite… I believe the saying is "wack".

**girljs: **WACK

**haha just kidding... unless?: **STOPPp

**sexy uwu: **why did u need to practice on a statue

**sexy owo: **haha yeah sylvain if u wanted to practice pickup lines felix is right there!!

**emotional support twink: **die.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **IMGONNA MURDER ALL OF YOU

**haha just kidding… unless?: **OF COURSE IM NOT GONNA PRACTICE PICKUP LINES ON A REAL PERSON

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **then what about the picture of felix you keep on your desk

**haha just kidding... unless?: **A

**emotional support twink: **what

**girljs: **HSHADSDGFHJD HIS WHAT

**haha just kidding... unless?: **INGRIDDDDDDDD

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: **BRUTAL

**deathknightdestroyer69: **sylvain just got fucking murdered oh my god

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **OH MY GOD HE FUCKIN DEAD

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **C'mon, you guys, we've teased enough! Leave him alone now, please.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **thankyou momcedes i owe you m ylife

**haha just kidding... unless?: **so yea thats the story of why im legally not allowed to be within five metres of flayn

**litle creacher: **Really, I'm sorry! Seteth refuses to budge...

**haha just kidding... unless?: **thats okay ill live

**haha just kidding... unless?: **anyways flayn i have a question thats not about the restraining order

**litle creacher: **Oh, please do ask away!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **do u still think seteth is a scrub

**litle creacher: **Oh!

**litle creacher: **Hm… well, I Googled what a 'scrub' was, so...

**litle creacher: **Yes, I'd say he is!

**girljs: **H

**so basically, im babey: **omg

**haha just kidding… unless?: **SFDGHJDFGDSF

**sexy owo: **SETETH REALLY IS A SCRUB

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **SETETH THE SCRUB

**sexy uwu: **IM CRYINFHSDFGHJFSD

**spill the tea kween has changed the chat name to Seteth's Scrubs.**

**girljs: **OHMYGOD

**sexy owo: **HSDFGJSHDFGJGDFHJFG

**sleepy bitch disease: **nice

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: **professor!! :O

**girljs: **BYLETH YOU LEGENDHGFGDSFD

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **haha, i like this chat name.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **IM IN TEARS

**haha just kidding... unless?: **SETETH'S SCRUBS, THATS US

**spill the tea kween: **I'm glad you all like the new chat name.

**spill the tea kween: ** Now, get to studying. You have a test tomorrow.

**girljs: **GOT IT PROF

**so basically, im babey: **will do!!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Of course!

  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 5:39 PM ]**

**emotional support twink: **has anyone seen cat?

**Moto Moto: **You mean the stray cats around the monastery? I've seen loads today!

**emotional support twink: **no, i meant my cat. her name's cat.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i cant believe you lost your fucking cat

**emotional support twink: **i did not. i let her go for walks, and then she comes back around this time for dinner.

**creeper: **I have not seen her.

**emotional support twink: **good, i don't want her anywhere near you.

**sleepy bitch disease: **i'm still in the library, she's not here

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **you're still there?? linhardt our study session finished an hour ago

**sleepy bitch disease: **i couldn't be bothered walking back to my room. i think i'll just sleep here tonight

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **no you fucking wont??

**sleepy bitch disease: **well, i can't be bothered moving. so you'll have to carry me

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **CHALLENGE ACCEPTED MOTHERFUCKER

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole is offline.**

**sleepy bitch disease: **oh. i was joking, but alright

**girljs: **hm… gay

**emotional support twink: **has anyone else here seen cat?

**so basically, im babey: **oh!!! actually i think mercie and i saw her like five minutes ago :o

**so basically, im babey: **she was at the training grounds!!!

**oovoo javer: **wow, i guess she takes after you felix! haha

**emotional support twink: **thanks, annette. i'll go look there.

**so basically, im babey: **tell us when you find her!! c:

**haha just kidding… unless?: **dont feed her lettuce this time

**emotional support twink: **that was ONE time.

  
  


**[ DM: girljs -> I haven't seen the sun in 84 years - 7:29 PM ]**

**girljs: **bern, please talk to me

**girljs: **mercedes told me how quiet you were when you guys went to the bakery a couple days ago

**girljs: **thats unusual, even for you!!

**girljs: **bern, please, i can see youre reading my messages

**girljs: **im worried about you?? please just tell me whats up

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **ssory im not trying to ignore you

**girljs: **thats alright, i know that

**girljs: **but its obvious somethings up with you, so can you tell me what it is?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **ok um

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **iits um

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **its my dad

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **he um. doesnt think im getting a lot out of my time at the monastery

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **and hhe wants me to come back home

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **and i

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **im sorry i cant

**girljs: **deep breaths, bern

**girljs: **youre safe right now. he's not here

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **iim sorry im just scared i

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **i dont know what to do

**girljs: **i get it now

**girljs: **can we talk to professor byleth about it?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **i 

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **i dont want to go against mmy fathers wishes

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **i dont want him to,, bbe mad at me

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **aand i dont want to get you or anyone else involved

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **ii dont want you guys to get hhurt im sorry

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **so im ssorry but please dont get involved

**girljs: **im sorry bern but i cant do that

**girljs: **i dont want you to get hurt either, alright? thats why i cant leave this alone

**girljs: **have you seen the professor with her sword?? she's FIERCE

**girljs: **no matter what he tries, she wont let him get near you

**girljs: **and the same goes for me

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **uum,, what do you mmean

**girljs: **ill snap his fucking arms if he comes near you, or me, or anyone

**girljs: **thats what i'll do

**girljs: **so please, lets speak to byleth about it?

**girljs: **she'll know what to do

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **o,, okay

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **thank you dorothea

**girljs: **anytime 💕

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bernadetta and dorothea's conversation is based on their B support, which is honestly one of my favorite supports in the game- i hope the mood shift wasnt too jarring?? this fic is supposed to be mostly silly but you'll get a more serious scene like that every once in a while :')
> 
> sorry if im a bit slower in replying to comments!! i try my best to reply to everyone but it might take me a couple of days to do so :0
> 
> https://twitter.com/springbutbetter twitter promo as always!! come say hi!!
> 
> https://twitter.com/cupidscaf/status/1166123226973577219 ALSO PLEASE CHECK OUT THIS ABSOLUTELY STUNNING ART IM GONNA CRY!!!!!!! dnhgfhdgs if u ever draw anything based off this fic PLEASE drop a link in the comments or @ me on twitter so i can sob over it thank u!!!


	8. lorenz the wig snatcher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sexy owo:** ur about to go in for wig surgery. lorenz is by ur side in the hospital. "im scared", u tell him. "dont worry," says lorenz, "ill always be with you". the doctors give u the anaesthetic and u black out
> 
> **please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(:** stop right there.

**[ Black Eagles Chatroom - 11:34 AM ]**

**girljs: ** (ASMR) i beat the shit out of bernadetta's dad for 20 minutes straight

**Jared, 19: ** I will join you!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** make it 30 minutes

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** MAKE IT 40

**sleepy bitch disease: ** beating people isn't my style, but i will provide valuable moral support

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** 50 minutes.

**creeper: ** 60.

**girljs: ** EVEN HUBERT IS VALID SOMETIMES…

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** aa you gguys,,

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** tthank you really

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** for the support um

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** tthis means a lot to me i just/

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** wwasnt expectin g

**girljs: ** ofc bern <3

**girljs: ** we're always here for you alright??

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** we'll always look out for you, bernadetta. we're your friends, after all.

**Jared, 19: ** Yes! We all here have your back!

**creeper: ** Indeed.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i hope it is alright to ask- are there any updates on the situation, bernadetta?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** ddorothea and i,, talked to professor bbyleth about i t yeah

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** sshes figuring something out um

**girljs: ** whats important is that bern isnt going back to her dad anytime soon!!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** DAMN RIGHT SHE ISNT

**Jared, 19: ** That is good news!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** glad to hear it!!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'm also glad.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** keep us updated, alright? we all want the best for you, bernadetta.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** i will !!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** and um

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** aagain, tthank you guys 

  
  
  


**[ Golden Deer Chatroom - 12:04 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** GOLDEN DEER WE SHOULD MAKE A BAND

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Good afternoon to you too, Claude

**sexy owo: ** THIS IS NO TIME FOR GOOD AFTERNOONS LEONIE IM GALAXY BRAINING

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** so who wants to play that game where we pretend claude doesnt exist and we ignore everything he says?

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** yes.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Please

**Moto Moto: ** I think we should hear him out!

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** hey raph's right? maybe making a band could be fun haha

**sexy uwu: ** ughghghgfh fuck i love that game where we pretend claude doesnt exist and we ignore everything he says BUT

**sexy uwu: ** he is my twin and im legally obliged to support him

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** no, you're not.

**sexy uwu: ** yeah i am it says it in our twin contract

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** your what.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Please tell me this 'twin contact' isn't a real thing

**sexy owo: ** ;)))

**sexy owo: ** [ File attachment:  _ hilda_and_claude_s_sacred_twinship.docx  _ ]

**sexy uwu: ** there it is

**sexy uwu: ** our twin contract

**sexy uwu: ** our bro code

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** oh… wow, that's a long document haha

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** what the fuck.

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** how did you guys even get the time to write twenty thousand words on this??

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Of course it exists. of fucking course

**sexy owo: ** see right there

**sexy owo: ** article 18 part 7

**sexy owo: ** u wanna read it out for everyone leonie :)

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Oh my god.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** "pt 7: hilda is legally, morally and socially obliged to support her twin claude through all and every of his ideas even if theyre stupid or potentially deadly"

**sexy owo: ** thanks weonie youre the best :)

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Call me weonie again and you die :)

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** what does "legally, morally and socially obliged" even mean?

**sexy uwu: ** we wrote it at 2am thats what it means

**sexy owo: ** THE POINT IS

**sexy owo: ** ITS THE LAW

**sexy uwu: ** it is indeed the law so

**sexy uwu: ** lets make a band! i agree with this idea!

**Marianne: ** ooh um,, i dont actually think a band could be such a bad iidea?

**Marianne: ** llike um,, its just music right?? what could go wrong really

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** literally anything could go wrong when claude's involved.

**sexy uwu: ** hey im here too!!!!!!

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** *literally anything could go wrong when claude and/or hilda's involved.

**sexy uwu: ** much better thx <3

**sexy owo: ** so! i was thinking up band names

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** not all of us have agreed to the band yet?

**sexy owo: ** its okay you will soon enough

**sexy owo: ** as i was saying! i think "claude and the lads" really has a nice ring to it

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** If you wanted to get us to agree to this dumb idea, you're going about it all wrong

**sexy uwu: ** hey what the fuck why is it just claude and the lads

**sexy uwu: ** its at least gotta be claude and hilda and the lads!!!!

**sexy owo: ** ALRIGHT WE CAN COMPROMISE

**Moto Moto: ** I like it BUT just "the lads" makes us sound so weak

**Moto Moto: ** How about the BEEFY LADS?

**sexy owo: ** claude and hilda and the BEEFY LADS

**sexy owo: ** i love it

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** you guys are ridiculous.

**Marianne: ** i,, dont think the name is that bad aha

**sexy uwu: ** oooo we can add ur name too mari!!!

**Marianne: ** oh um,, sorry id actually rrather you didnt ;;

**sexy uwu: ** oh sorry!! thats fine too yeah

**Marianne: ** what about uum

**Marianne: ** adding dortes name instead of mine?? iid like that i think

**sexy owo: ** claude and hilda and dorte and the BEEFY LADS

**sexy uwu: ** ugh it just keeps getting better!

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** can we add the secret sign of the golden deer to our band name? i think it'd be a nice touch haha

**sexy owo: ** GREAT IDEA

**sexy owo: ** ✋😎🤚

**Moto Moto: ** ✋😎🤚

**Marianne: ** ✋😎🤚

**sexy uwu: ** ✋😎🤚

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** ✋😎🤚

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** this is dumb.

**sexy uwu: ** lorenz :)

**sexy uwu:** leonie :)

**sexy uwu: ** lysithea :)

**sexy uwu: ** cmon you guys!!! get that golden deer pride!!! solidarity!!!

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Alright, I give in

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** ugh, fine.

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** ✋😎🤚

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** ✋😎🤚

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** ✋😎🤚

**sexy owo: ** THERE THEY AREEE

**sexy uwu: ** HELL YEAAHHH

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** golden deer is united once more!

**sexy owo: ** so our band name is OFFICIALLY

**sexy owo: ** ✋😎🤚 claude and hilda and dorte and the BEEFY LADS ✋😎🤚

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** that's us...

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** it's got a nice ring to it haha

**sexy uwu: ** I LOVE IT

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** I guess it'll do

**sexy owo: ** so now that we have a SPICY name

**sexy owo: ** who here can actually play an instrument??

**sexy uwu: ** i hit a drum once on accident

**Marianne: ** ssorry i cant play any instruments ;;

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** i played piano for a year then quit..

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** i don't have the time for music.

**Moto Moto: ** I broke a violin once! does that count

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** You're all hopeless, wow

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** i'm quite skilled on the triangle.

**sexy uwu: ** HFSDJDS THE T RIANGLE

**sexy owo: ** LORENZ, OUR HERO

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Wow, I take it back. not all of you are hopeless, Lorenz is clearly extremely musically gifted

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** this is just ridiculous. claude, surely you can see this band idea isn't going to work?

**sexy owo: ** no itll ABSOLUTELY work we just gotta have faith

**sexy owo: ** i have so much faith, in fact, that i have spoken to the other house leaders about it :)

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** I'm sorry you what

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** uhh.. whyd you speak to them about it claude??

**sexy owo: ** my dear friends edelgard and dimitri thought it would be a FANTASTIC idea for each of the houses to put together a band so that we could have a little…. competition ;))

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** oh haha… I see now

**sexy uwu: ** YOU FUCKER

**Marianne: ** a,, competition??

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Oh, so of course you got us to agree to the band idea before you mentioned this

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** this is why you always read the terms and conditions…

**sexy owo: ** YOU GUYS CANT BACK OUT NOW

**sexy owo: ** golden deer we may not have musical talent or any sense of teamwork at all

**sexy owo: ** but what we lack in both of those things

**sexy owo: ** we make up in

**sexy owo: ** uh

**sexy owo: ** uhhh

**sexy uwu: ** sexiness

**sexy owo: ** SEXINESS

**sexy owo:** THANK YOU HILDA YOU ARE RIGHT

**sexy owo: ** WHAT WE LACK IN TALENT, TEAMWORK, AND COMMON SENSE WE MAKE UP IN SEXINESS

**sexy owo: ** AND THAT IS WHY WE WILL ABSOLUTELY CRUSH THE OTHER HOUSES IN THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS

**Moto Moto: ** HELL YEAAAAH

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** i won't lie, it's hard to say no after a speech like that.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Screw it, I'm in

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** lets go, golden deer!

**sexy uwu: ** LETS GO GOLDEN DEER!!!

  
  
  


**[ Blue Lions Chatroom - 12:34 PM ]**

**extra cheesy: ** can anyone here play a musical instrument?

**emotional support twink: ** no.

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** My apologies, but I cannot.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Ah… I haven't really tried playing any instruments before, sorry!

**oovoo javer: ** sorry!! i also cant

**so basically, im babey: ** oh!!! i cant play an instrument but i like singing :o does that count???

**extra cheesy: ** well, i suppose that's better than nothing…

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** you used to play piano, right dimitri?

**extra cheesy: ** ah… yes, i did. or, i guess i do

**extra cheesy: ** it's been a while since i played, but i could probably try and pick it up again…

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** alright whats with all the "..."s dimitri

**so basically, im babey: ** yeah you seem kinda down dimitri!! is everything alright??

**oovoo javer: ** and why are you suddenly bringing up musical instruments? if you dont mind me asking, that is!!

**extra cheesy: ** well, i may have… agreed to something

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Agreed to something? To what?

**extra cheesy: ** claude suggested to edelgard and i that we have a… i believe he called it 'battle of the bands'?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** oh no

**extra cheesy: ** i thought perhaps it could be fun, so… i agreed. but i am beginning to regret that decision.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** uh huh you agreed cos you thought that itd be fun

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** im sure it had nothing to do with the fact that claude was the one to suggest it?? ;)))

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** dont make fun of dimitris hopeless pining when ur just as bad sylvain

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** DDONT CALL ME OUT ON MAIN LIKE THAT

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Dimitri, correct me if I'm wrong, but does this mean we're all to take part in this… 'battle of the bands'?

**extra cheesy: ** i don't intend on forcing any of you into it… but yes, if any of you would like to participate, i would appreciate that.

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** I will.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh, I think it sounds like great fun!

**emotional support twink: ** no thanks.

**so basically, im babey: ** aww cmon felix!! dont you think it sounds like fun??

**emotional support twink: ** i do not.

**oovoo javer: ** felix!! it won't be the same without you there :'(

**emotional support twink: ** ugh.

**so basically, im babey: ** yeah felix!!! it'll make us really sad if you're not there :c

**oovoo javer: ** we've all gotta stick together right?? felix we're not going to force you into anything but it'd make us really happy if you participated!

**emotional support twink: ** fine. i'll join the stupid band.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** I KNEW IT

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** HE HAS A SOFT SPOT FOR THE BABIES

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** The babies?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** he means ashe and annette

**emotional support twink: ** i do not.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** YOU SO DO

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** lmao you definitely do

**emotional support twink: ** shut the fuck up or else i'm leaving the band.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** HDSFDHSD ALRIGHT SORRY

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** So, is everyone in, then?

**so basically, im babey: ** i think so yeah!!! :o

**oovoo javer: ** mmhmm!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** yup

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** hell yeah ;)

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh, I must say I'm excited! This will be great fun!

**extra cheesy: ** oh, wow… i must say i wasn't expecting all of you to agree

**extra cheesy: ** so, thank you all, really. i'm very grateful.

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Of course, your Highness.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** dimitri we're your pals you can count on us

**emotional support twink: ** i am not his 'pal'.

**so basically, im babey: ** felix!!! dont be so mean >:c

**emotional support twink: ** fine. whatever.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** he really does have a soft spot for the babies huh

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** i cant believe i never saw this before

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** felix i knew you were a big softie on the inside! ;)))

**emotional support twink: ** i'll kill you.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** annette, ashe, what are your opinions on felix killing me?? ;))

**oovoo javer: ** well um.. i dont think thatd be very good??

**so basically, im babey: ** no killing, felix!! >:o

**emotional support twink: ** ,

**emotional support twink: ** this isn't fair.

  
  
  


**[ Black Eagles Chatroom - 12:49 PM ]**

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** as most of you are aware, dorothea is throwing a party in a couple of weeks time.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** the other house leaders- specifically, claude- had an idea for each of the houses to put together a band of sorts, to play music at this party.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i believe it will be a competition. a 'battle of the bands', as he put it.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** and you agreed to this without fucking asking us first??

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** dimitri agreed to the idea right away, and i didn't want to be the one to back down from the competition. i'm sure you all understand.

**creeper: ** While I wouldn't say I have any musical talent, if you wish it, Lady Edelgard, I shall agree to participate.

**girljs: ** i think it sounds like a fun idea edie!! 💖

**Jared, 19: ** I would be liking to participate as well!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i will of course participate! i have been told i have a lovely singing voice :)

**girljs: ** oh boy

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** dorotheas pparty is in,, three weeks yeah??

**girljs: ** mmhmm!!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** iif

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** iif im still at the monastery by that time id like to

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** to um join in the band with you guys

**girljs: ** !!!! 

**girljs: ** hell yeah bern!!!!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** welcome to the team, bernadetta.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** ill probably be useless though hhaha

**Jared, 19: ** Do not be speaking like that, Bernadetta! I am sure you will be of great value to our team!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** yeah bernadetta!!

**sleepy bitch disease: ** i suppose i'll join in this band, too

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** i was originally going to tell edelgard to go fuck herself

**girljs: ** HEY

**creeper: ** Watch yourself, Caspar.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** LET ME FINISH

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** BUT if everyone else is joining in then i'll do it too

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** glad to hear it. that's everyone, then?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** yyup!!

**Jared, 19: ** I am believing so!

**creeper: ** Indeed.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'm glad. thank you all for agreeing.

**Jared, 19: ** May I be asking- what are the rules of this competition?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i was just about to get to those, actually.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** claude said, and i quote, "do literally whatever lol as long as it sounds somewhat like music". so i believe we're allowed to perform an existing one, or create one of our own.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** can we do an existing one i dont trust any of you guys except maybe linhardt to write a song

**sleepy bitch disease: ** writing a song is too much effort, i agree we should choose an existing one

**girljs: ** JHFDGJD YEAH I WAS GONNA SAY MAYBE AN EXISTING ONE WOULD BE BETTER

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** existing song it is. does anyone have one in mind?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** taylor swift

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** anyone else?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** WOW

**girljs: ** DW FERDIE I GOT THIS

**girljs: ** taylor swift

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** okay, we can do a taylor swift song. :)

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** god fucking damn it

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** not gonna lie, feeling a little insulted

**girljs: ** look just be happy we're doing a taylor swift song okay

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i am happy thanks thea :)

**creeper: ** I will begrudgingly agree to this choice of artist. Very begrudgingly.

**girljs: ** thats a. weird way to say that

**creeper: ** I just wouldn't want any of you to mistake me for a fan of Taylor Swift.

**girljs: ** o

**girljs: ** okay???

**Jared, 19: ** Why is that, Hubert? I am believing her to be quite a good artist!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** everyones entitled to their own opinion but i agree with hubert on this one, taylow swift aint shit

**creeper: ** I never said that.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** what

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** what??

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** hubert, are you saying you… like taylor swift???

**girljs: ** TOP TEN ANIME PLOT TWISTS???

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** could you all discuss this later? we have a song to choose.

**girljs: ** DHFSGD OUR BAD

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** right right

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** i um dont mind what song we choose

**creeper: ** As someone not familiar with Swift's works, I also have no preference.

**girljs: ** blank space

**creeper: ** Absolutely not.

**girljs: ** i agree lets not

**girljs: ** but… how can u disagree so strongly when ur not familiar with her songs hubie?? ;))

**creeper: ** I don't need to answer to you.

**girljs: ** UH HUH ;)

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i. i cant believe hubert is an undercover swiftie??

**creeper: ** I am not.

**Jared, 19: ** There is no need to be feeling embarassed, Hubert! The music is quite good.

**creeper: ** No, it's not, all of you shut up. I'm not a Swiftie.

**girljs: ** UH HUUUH ;))

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** please, could someone choose a song?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** can we do you belong with me

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** its a classic

**Jared, 19: ** Oh! I do like that one, yes.

**girljs: ** what are ur thoughts hubert ;)))

**creeper: ** I am indifferent.

**girljs: ** that means he agrees, lets do it

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** sounds good to me.

  
  
  


**[ DM: girljs -> Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe - 7:45 PM ]**

**girljs: ** yoooo edie did u get the drinks for the party yet??

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i did, yes.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** dorothea, would you mind telling me what your true intentions for this party are?

**girljs: ** whatever do u mean edie,,,, my intentions are as transparent as hilda's crush on marianne

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ah, i see. so this is a ploy to get some of our classmates together?

**girljs: ** HSDFG FUCK

**girljs: ** yeah u got me :'(

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** do you really believe this is the best way to do things?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** perhaps the best course of action is to let the others figure out their own love lives.

**girljs: ** i mean!!! they asked for my help!!!!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i don't want you to get intro trouble because of your meddling, that's all.

**girljs: ** dw i wont get in trouble!! ;))

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** how can you be so sure?

**girljs: ** because i have my lovely girlfriend there to bail me out in case anything goes wrong 💕

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ah.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** haha, well, i suppose you're right about that.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** 💕

**girljs: ** 💕💕💖💖💗💗💖💕💕💗

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 2:03 AM ]**

**sexy owo: ** SNAS UNDERTALE IS IN SMASH

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** HWAT

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP ITS 2AM

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 10:15 AM ]**

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** guys i

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** dfshgfhds i

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** guys pleas h. help im so scared

**girljs: ** f

**girljs: ** ferdie are u okay

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i had the scariest fuckign dream

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh, noo! That's no good :c

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** you wanna share this dream with the class

**creeper: ** Do tell.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** its sscary to remember but

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** ill try my best

**girljs: ** u got this

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** okay h. here we go

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i was

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i was lying in my room at night and i

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i felt a breeze on my face andf

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i was like "oh thats weird i

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** "thats weird i dont remember leaving the window open"

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** so i sat up to 

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** to see if the window was open

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** and it was

**girljs: ** is this a creepypasta

**creeper: ** I don't see how this is scary.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Keep going, Ferdinand! I'm liking this story already!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** my head felt

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** weird

**sexy uwu: ** definitely a creepypasta

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** and so i reached a hand up to feel my scrumptious locks of hair

**girljs: ** s

**girljs: ** SCRUMPTIOUS

**extra cheesy: ** that… sure is one adjective you could have used

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** dimitris just jealous that his greasy hair will never be ~scrumptious~

**extra cheesy: ** i am not.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** guys you're interrupting story time

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** keep going ferdinand

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** thanks

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** so i reached up a hand to my head and

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** and

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** they were gone

**sexy uwu: ** what was gone

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** my

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** my scrumptious locks

**girljs: ** IM

**sleepy bitch disease: ** oh noo

**girljs: ** UR WIG GOT SNATCHEDFHSGFDSH

**so basically, im babey: ** wig snatched!!!

**sexy uwu: ** HIS WIG

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** OH NO NOT HIS WIG

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** IT DOESNT END THERE

**girljs: ** HFDSGD WELL DONT LEAVE US HANGING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i looked around my room and

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** and

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** a nd

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** lorenz was there

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** excuse me.

**girljs: ** ohmygo d

**sexy owo: ** FDGH LORENZ WAS THERE???

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** holy shit. where exactly was he?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** he was perched in the corner of my room

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** holding my wig

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** he snatched it

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** he sn atched my fucking wig

**girljs: ** i

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** HE SNATCHED YOUR FUCKING WIG

**sexy owo: ** HFGDSJDGSD OH MY GODDDD

**creeper: ** I don't know what I was expecting.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** IM

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** What an… interesting dream? Thank you for sharing, Ferdinand!

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** what the fuck. that is ridiculous.

**sexy owo: ** this reminds of that one meme

**sexy owo: ** its like

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** here we go

**sexy owo: ** ur about to go in for wig surgery. lorenz is by ur side in the hospital. "im scared", u tell him. "dont worry," says lorenz, "ill always be with you". the doctors give u the anaesthetic and u black out

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** stop right there.

**sexy owo: ** when you wake up lorenz is nowhere to be seen. u ask the doctor

**sexy owo: ** you as k

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** claude.

**sexy owo: ** you ask the doctorsdf

**sexy owo: ** yuo

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** keep going bud ur doing amazing

**sexy owo: ** you ask the d octor "where is lorenz"

**sexy owo: ** THE DOCTOR LOOKS AT YO U AND HE

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** CLAUDE.

**sexy owo: ** HE SAYS

**sexy owo: ** HE SSAYS

**sexy owo: ** "WHO DID YOU THINK THE DONOR WAS"

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** IM CR YING

**girljs: ** U DID IT HONEY

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** FUCK YOU.

**sexy uwu: ** SDFHJGHJFSUDYFDSHJGJHD

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** IM IN TEARS

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** WIG....

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** SNATCHED

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** LORENZ THE WIG SNATCHER FINALLY GETS HIS WIG SNATCHED

**sexy owo: ** LORENZ THE WIG SNATCHERR

**sexy uwu: ** IM GONNA CHOKE

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** I DO NOT SNATCH WIGS NOR HAS MY WIG EVER BEEN SNATCHED.

**sexy owo: ** hHADSFGDASHD

**sexy uwu: ** YJSDFNHASDGDSAHFSDGFHGJ OH M YGOD

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** YOU HEARD THE MAN

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** LORENZ THE WIG SNATCHER HAS SPOKEN

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** THIS IS ABSURD.

**creeper: ** I feel pity for you, Lorenz.

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** i appreciate the sentiment.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** hubert pities lorenz for having to put up with us simpletons

**girljs: ** US SIMPLETONS

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** US SIMPLETON SCRUBS

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** SIMPLETON SCRUBS SDFGHJFSD

**sexy uwu: ** HHASDFDGHSJ QUICK EVERYONE HIDE UR SIMPLETON SCRUB WIGS BEFORE THEY GET SNATCHED

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** HOLD MY SIMPLETON SCRUB WIG

**please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :(: ** CEASE.

**sexy owo: ** I HAVENT LAUGHED THIS HARD IN YEARSSS

**sexy owo: ** SIMPLETON SCRUB WIGS SDFNGGAHJSDHFDS

**girljs: ** IM IN TEARS

**girljs: ** ferdie thank you so much for sharing ur terrifying dream with us i cannot bre a the

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** anytime

**sexy owo has changed please have a tea party with me byleth i am desperate :('s nickname to lorenz the wig snatcher.**

**lorenz the wig snatcher: ** i hate you all.

**sexy owo: ** ;)

**sexy owo: ** id love to stay and chat about lorenz's wig snatching habits but i have sum… important business to attend to

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** i don't like the sound of that.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Have fun, Claude?

**sexy uwu: ** uh oh whats this "important business"

**sexy owo: ** youll find out soon hilda ;))

**sexy uwu: ** oh that CANNOT be good

**girljs: ** have fun snatching wigs claude!!!

**sexy owo: ** thank u i will ;)

**sexy owo is offline.**

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy owo -> extra cheesy - 11:49 AM ]**

**sexy owo: ** DIMA

**sexy owo: ** PLEASE HELP I HAVE MADE A BIG MISTAKE

**extra cheesy: ** claude? what happened? are you okay?

**extra cheesy: ** do i need to contact the professor? do you need help? where are you?

**sexy owo: ** okay wait calm down i made the situation sound worse than it is

**sexy owo: ** WELL it is pretty bad but like im not gonna die or anything

**sexy owo: ** probably

**extra cheesy: ** that just makes me more worried! what happened?

**sexy owo: ** well you see i got ashe to teach me how to pick locks because i thought id look cool doing it

**extra cheesy: ** claude, don't pick locks. thats illegal

**sexy owo: ** dima im in the middle of a crisis please let me live

**extra cheesy: ** alright, i'm sorry. please continue?

**sexy owo: ** so i was like "im gonna show off my super cool lock picking skills by breaking into hilda's room and hiding under her bed"

**sexy owo: ** the PLAN was that i'd jump out and scare her when she came into her room

**sexy owo: ** and then she'd be mad at me for that, but then i'd teach her how to pick locks as well so we'd be cool

**extra cheesy: ** i can't even begin to imagine how this could go wrong.

**sexy owo: ** WOAH

**sexy owo: ** WAS THAT SARCASM

**sexy owo: ** ET TU, DIMA????

**extra cheesy: ** sorry! i didn't mean to offend you

**sexy owo: ** HFSDFGJ IM NOT OFFENDED IM IMPRESSED

**sexy owo: ** alright anyways! when hilda came into her room she had marianne with her

**sexy owo: ** now theyre sitting on the bed doing all kinds of horrible things together

**extra cheesy: ** um

**extra cheesy: ** what kind of 'horrible things'

**sexy owo: ** painting each other's nails

**extra cheesy: ** oh. that makes sense

**sexy owo: ** but u see my predicament right

**extra cheesy: ** youre trapped under the bed while they paint each other's nails? and they don't know you're there?

**sexy owo: ** yes exactly

**extra cheesy: ** cant you just… come out from under the bed?

**sexy owo: ** see i WOULD but

**sexy owo: ** marianne can be scared VERY easily

**sexy owo: ** and if i startle marianne then hilda will Literally kill me

**extra cheesy: ** no, she can't. that's illegal

**sexy owo: ** only if she gets caught

**extra cheesy: ** what??

**sexy owo: ** SDFGSD ALRIGHT LOOK, HER KILLING ME ISNT THE PROBLEM

**sexy owo: ** I NEED UR HELP GETTING OUT OF THIS SITUATION PLEASE

**extra cheesy: ** what do you want me to do about it?

  
**sexy owo: ** i dont know but im thinking if we combine our half braincells together we will have… one whole braincell

**sexy owo: ** and that is a LOT of power for us to handle, i know, but it may be the only way

**extra cheesy: ** you've lost me. what's this about braincells?

**sexy owo: ** what i mean is: please help me think of a way out of this

**extra cheesy: ** oh, right

**extra cheesy: ** perhaps we could figure out a way to get them out of the room long enough for you to escape?

**extra cheesy: ** i can figure out some sort of distraction?

**sexy owo: ** perfect thank u

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 12:01 PM ]**

**litle creacher: ** Did anyone else hear that loud noise?..

**spill the tea kween: ** I did.

**Jared, 19: ** I did also!

**girljs: ** oh fuck what happened now

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** i'm guessing we're about to discover claude's "important business"

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** are those horses? am i hearing horses?

**spill the tea kween: ** Hm. I think I hear them too.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** WHYTHE FUCK ARE THE HORSES RUNNING AROUND THE SCHOOL

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** WHO LET THEM FREE

**Marianne: ** eeh?? the horses?? ;;

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** HH WHAT

**litle creacher: ** Do you mean to say someone's let the horses loose around the monastery?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** YES

**sexy uwu: ** WHAT THE FUCK CLAUDE

**sexy owo: ** THIS WASNT ME

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** then what "important business" were you referring to earlier?

**sexy owo: ** THATS NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW OKAY

**extra cheesy: ** someone should probably try to round them up?

**litle creacher: ** Oh! I could?

**spill the tea kween: ** No, you can't. Seteth will kill me if you get trampled to death by a horse, Flayn.

**spill the tea kween: ** Also, it would make me sad if that happened.

**litle creacher: ** Oh… well, I would hate to make you sad, Professor!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** did the professor just express emotion

**sexy owo: ** thats a first

**spill the tea kween: ** Aha, was it really that strange?

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** little bit yeah, but that's not our main concern at the moment. can someone please try and catch the horses?

**Jared, 19: ** Oh! I can be trying, yes.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** me too!

**sleepy bitch disease: ** caspar, please dont get yourself trampled

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** NO PROMISES

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i'll go too

**Moto Moto: ** So will I!

**girljs: ** GOODBYE BRAVE SOLDIERS I WISH U ALL LUCK ON UR JOURNEY

**Marianne: ** um!! im going to go and check on dorte too ;;

**sexy uwu: ** ill go w marianne!!

**spill the tea kween: ** All of you be sensible, alright? I don't want to get into trouble if any of you get hurt.

**sexy uwu: ** ur concern warms my heart teach

**Moto Moto: ** We'll be fine!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** don't worry, professor. we've got it under control

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** famous last words

  
  


**[ DM: sexy uwu -> sexy owo - 12:05 PM ]**

**sexy uwu: **hey fucker

**sexy uwu: ** why did i just see u run out of my dorm

**sexy owo: ** i

**sexy owo: ** I CAN EXPLAIN

**sexy uwu: ** WELL GET TYPING BUDDY

**sexy owo: ** alright so i got ashe to teach me how to pick locks

**sexy uwu: ** nice

**sexy owo: ** i know right

**sexy owo: ** ANYWAYS i wanted to show you my new lockpicking skill so i just

**sexy owo: ** broke into ur room

**sexy uwu: ** i. am going to fucking kill you

**sexy uwu: ** later. i am going to kill you later because mari and i are going to the stables right now

**sexy owo: ** alright ill cherish my last moments alive! enjoy ur date!

**sexy uwu: ** JHFGSD ITS NOT A DATE YOU FUCK

  
  
  


**[ DM: extra cheesy -> sexy owo - 12:43 PM ]**

**extra cheesy: ** i take it you escaped safely?

**sexy owo: ** yeah i got out

**sexy owo: ** thank you dima i owe you my fuckign life

**extra cheesy: ** i must admit, i feel bad for causing such a trouble with the horses… so there's no need for such praise, really!

**sexy owo: ** dima you saved my LIFE i could kiss you right now

**extra cheesy: ** oh

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy uwu -> sexy owo - 12:46 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** "i could kiss you" who the fukc says thaT

**sexy owo: ** im such a fool. a fucking clown

**sexy uwu: ** you really are

**sexy owo: ** hilda part of our bro code explicitly states you are to support me through each and every gay panic and im REALLY not feeling that support right now

**sexy uwu: ** MAYBE ID BE FEELING MORE SUPPORTIVE IF YOU DIDNT BREAK INTO MY FUCKING ROOM

**sexy owo: ** I NEEDED TO SHOW OFF MY LOCK PICKING SKILLS

**sexy uwu: ** WHY DID YOU EVEN NEED TO KNOW HOW TO PICK A LOCK IN THE FIRST PLACE

**sexy owo: ** I THOUGHT DIMITRI WOULD THINK I LOOKED COOL DOING IT

**sexy owo: ** BUT THEN WHEN I TOLD HIM ABOUT IT HE JUST TOLD ME IT WAS ILLEGAL

**sexy uwu: ** youre so fucking stupid

**sexy owo: ** thanks i try

**sexy uwu: ** so anyways has dimitri responded yet

**sexy owo: ** NO

**sexy owo: ** HE PROBABLYF THINKS IM A FUCKIGN FOOL

**sexy uwu: ** wow me too

**sexy owo: ** SHUT UPPPPP UR NOT HELPING

**sexy uwu: ** good

  
  


**[ DM: extra cheesy -> sexy owo - 12:50 PM ]**

**extra cheesy: ** i wouldn't mind

**extra cheesy: ** if you kissed me, i mean

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy owo -> sexy uwu - 12:51 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** HILDA HOLY SHIT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHOUTOUT TO CLAUMITRI CLAN ON TWITTER... THIS ONES FOR YALL........
> 
> speaking of twitter?? heres mine!! https://twitter.com/springbutbetter yes i will promo it every chapter im sorry
> 
> ALSO IM SORRY IM NOT ON THE TOP OF MY COMMENTS GAME RN.... thank u all for the sweet comments i swear ill get to replying to them soon dhfgsdfjhds :')


	9. the shampoo incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sexy uwu:** my character is named tweedle dee he is a garden gnome
> 
> **sexy owo:** and my character is named dee tweedle she is also a garden gnome
> 
> **sexy uwu:** they are two garden gnomes who sit on each other's shoulders and wear a trenchcoat to give the illusion of one function human being, much like claude and myself in real life
> 
> **say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole:** hey what the fuck does that mean

**[ DM: dedue??? isnt that a type of tree??? -> extra cheesy - 12:52 PM ]**

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Did you send it?

**extra cheesy: ** i sent it

**extra cheesy: ** he hasn't responded

**extra cheesy: **dedue, why hasn't he responded

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Because you sent the message ten seconds ago.

**extra cheesy: ** he still hasn't responded

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** You took a short while to respond to him. Give him time.

**extra cheesy: ** i

**extra cheesy: ** i am trying

**extra cheesy: ** i'm sorry. i'm just nervous

**extra cheesy: ** what if i got it wrong? what if he was just being friendly

**extra cheesy: ** what if i ruin everything

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** You will not.

**extra cheesy: ** i hope you're right

**extra cheesy: ** ...

**extra cheesy: ** he still hasn't responded

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** It has only been a minute.

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: ** Perhaps he is just as panicked as you are.

**extra cheesy: ** i doubt he would panic over something like this

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy owo -> sexy uwu - 12:53 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** HILDA I AM PANICKING

**sexy owo: ** HHHHILDA

**sexy owo: ** HILDA H

**sexy owo: ** HILDA HOLY SHIT I

**sexy owo: ** HE

**sexy owo: ** NHSDGHJADGFHSDHG

**sexy uwu: ** what

**sexy uwu: ** ARE YOU OKAY

**sexy uwu: ** I CAN HEAR YOU SCREAMING CLAUDE ARE YOU DYING

**sexy uwu: ** CLAUDE

**sexy uwu: ** CLAUDE ANSWER ME

**sexy owo: ** HE SAID

**sexy owo: ** HE SAID HE WOULDNT MIND IF I KISSED HIM

**sexy uwu: ** HOLY SHIT

**sexy uwu: ** HOLY SHIT WHAT DID YOU SAY IN RESPONSE

**sexy owo: ** I

**sexy owo: ** I HAVENT

**sexy uwu: ** CLAUDE YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING OR ELSE HES GOING TO PANIC

**sexy owo: ** BITCH IM ALREADY PANICKING GET IN LINE

**sexy uwu: ** IM ALREADY IN THE FUCKING LINE NOW GO GET UR MANS

**sexy owo: ** OK OKA Y IM GOING

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy owo -> extra cheesy - 12:55 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** YES

**extra cheesy: ** yes?

**sexy owo: ** yes i woul

**sexy owo: ** i would like it if

**sexy owo: ** give me a mome n t

**extra cheesy: ** claude, are you alright?

**sexy owo: ** i

**sexy owo: ** this went a lot more gracefully in my head

**extra cheesy: ** you're not making any sense, claude?

**sexy owo: ** can i come talk to you in person??

**extra cheesy: ** of course- i'm in my dorm

**sexy owo: ** I'LL BE RIGHT THERE

  
  
  


**[ DM: extra cheesy -> dedue??? isnt that a type of tree??? - 1:07 PM ]**

**extra cheesy: ** dedue, i have amazing news

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy owo -> sexy uwu - 1:07 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** HILDA YOURE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 1:09 PM ]**

**sexy uwu: ** i cannot BELIEVE

**sexy uwu: ** that claude got a boyfriend

**sexy uwu: ** BEFORE I GOT A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND

**sexy owo: ** god me too

**sexy owo: ** how did i do it

**sexy uwu: ** stop flexing this isnt fair

**sexy owo: ** ;)

**sexy owo: ** hows it feel being single hilda ;))))

**sexy uwu: ** I CAN AND WILL SCREENSHOT YOUR GAY PANIC WHILE CONFESSING TO DIMITRI DONT TRY ME

**sexy owo: ** hHSDAHJHSG IM SORRY PLEASE HAVE MERCY

**girljs: ** woah claude u didnt even need my help in the end!!! im so proud

**sexy owo: ** i channelled ur disaster gay energy while confessing thea so u were there in spirit

**girljs: ** IM NOT A DISASTER GAY

**sexy owo: ** hm press x to doubt

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ive said it before and ill say it again

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** i cannot BELIEVE dimitri has more game than i do

**sexy owo: ** ;)))

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** im glad you guys finally got your shit together, congrats!

**so basically, im babey: ** CONGRATS YOU GUYS!!!! 

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'm happy for you two.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I'm happy as well! This is wonderful news!

**Jared, 19: ** I am having happiness for the both of you!

**sexy owo: ** thank u my fellow simpletons

**extra cheesy: ** thank you everyone!

**spill the tea kween: ** Congratulations to the both of you.

**extra cheesy: ** thank you, professor!

**spill the tea kween: ** The pining was getting quite tragic to watch, so I'm glad to hear you two finally, as Ingrid put it, got your shit together.

**sexy owo: ** ,

**sexy owo: ** OUCH

**girljs: ** even professor byleths calling u guys out thats gotta hurt

**sexy owo: ** IT DOES

**extra cheesy: ** well… i appreciate the sentiment nevertheless, professor

**spill the tea kween: ** Anytime. Jokes aside, I really am happy for you two. And I mean that.

**spill the tea kween: ** Sorry to change the subject, but are all the horses back in their stables?

**Jared, 19: ** They are! It had taken us some time, but we managed to be catching every one of them.

**Moto Moto: ** We did ! Not before Caspar fell off of one though

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** i bruised my ass so bad

**sleepy bitch disease: ** why were you on a horse in the first place? weren't you trying to round them up?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** i was TRYING

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** turns out that out of the four of us i was the only one who actually knew how to deal with horses

**spill the tea kween: ** What's important is that they've all been caught.

**sleepy bitch disease: ** you werent hurt too badly, caspar?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** nahh im good

**spill the tea kween: ** Good to hear- I'm glad that that mess was cleared up smoothly, before someone got hurt or something got damaged.

**spill the tea kween: ** Claude, next time you decide to let horses loose around the school, please consider putting some more thought into your actions.

**sexy owo: ** ,

**sexy owo: ** IT

**sexy owo: ** WAS NOT ME

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Uh huh

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** sure it wasn't

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** who else could it have been? you excused yourself to do some 'important business', and then later the horses are running wild.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **though i must say, claude, your schemes are usually better concealed than this.

**sexy owo: ** you make a solid case but hear me out:

**sexy owo: ** it wasnt me

**so basically, im babey: ** hard to argue w that!!

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** he makes a convincing argument

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** well, then who else could it have been?

**extra cheesy: ** um, well, actually…

**extra cheesy: ** i was the one who let the horses out. i'm very sorry for causing such chaos.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ,

**spill the tea kween: ** Oh? That's unexpected.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** D IMITRI???

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** HOLY SHIT I REALLY THOUGHT IT WAS CLAUDE

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** he's gotta just be covering for claude, there's no way it was dimitri

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** that's a good point.

**sexy owo: ** oh my gOD dima you could have let me take the blame

**extra cheesy: ** it wouldn't have felt right

**extra cheesy: ** i'm sorry, professor, everyone. i won't do anything like this ever again.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** I still don't believe it was him

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** dimitris not a great actor hes gotta be telling the truth

**extra cheesy: ** i swear, it's the truth

**spill the tea kween: ** Well… nothing bad came of it, so I'm not angry.

**spill the tea kween: ** Can you tell us why you did it though, Dimitri? It's quite unlike you.

**extra cheesy: ** well, um…

**extra cheesy: ** it was to help claude with his 'important business'

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** so it WAS claude's fault in the end

**sexy uwu: ** ,

**sexy uwu: ** oh i see what fucking happened

**sexy owo: ** oh no

**sexy uwu: ** CLAUDE YOU MOTHERFUCKER

**sexy owo: ** those three words? music to my ears

**sexy uwu: ** IM GOING TO KILL YOU

**so basically, im babey: ** huh???

**girljs: ** i feel like we're missing something here wtf are you two talking about

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Right… are you alright, Hilda?

**sexy uwu: ** so claude picked the lock to my room and hid under my fucking bed

**oovoo javer: ** what??? claude you said you were going to be responsible with the lock picking!!!

**sexy owo: ** thug life babey

**sexy uwu: ** and then i came in my room WITH marianne and so he got dimitri to create a distraction to get mari and i out of the room so claude could escape alive

**Marianne: ** eeh?? ;;

**extra cheesy: ** yes, that's… what happened

**sexy owo: ** shes got me all figures out lads

**spill the tea kween: ** Well… at least we have the full story.

**Marianne: ** uum claude why couldnt you have just,, come out from under the bed

**sexy uwu: ** thats not important

**sexy owo: ** well u see marianne

**sexy owo: ** if i had startled you my good pal hilda wouldve been really diddly darn pissed at me ;)

**sexy uwu: ** YOUR GOOD PAL HILDA IS GOING TO KILL YOU

**Marianne: ** ooh um,, im sorry claude??

**sexy uwu: ** mari dont apologise its his fault

**Marianne: ** oh okay

**Marianne: ** ssorry

**sexy uwu: ** u dont need to apologise its fine!!!

**sexy uwu: ** claude, on the other hand,

**sexy owo: ** i apologise for nothing :)

**sexy uwu: ** dimitri im boutta murder ur mans watch out

**extra cheesy: ** ah

**spill the tea kween: ** Back to the original topic… thank you for confessing to the horses incident, Dimitri.

**extra cheesy: ** of course

**spill the tea kween: ** If it were Claude, I probably would have given him detention, but I feel no such punishment is necessary for you.

**sexy owo: ** teach please stop coming for my wig its all i have

**spill the tea kween: ** Then perish.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** WOAH

**sexy owo: ** HGH7IYEWGYU TEAC H>??? ?? ?

**girljs: ** HOLY SHIT

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** nice

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** HELLO POLICE I JUST WITNESSED A MURDER

**sexy uwu: ** its what he deserves

**spill the tea kween: ** :)

**girljs: ** okay you know what while we're here and confessing to our sins

**girljs: ** i was the one who blew up the kitchen

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i also played a considerable part in that.

**extra cheesy: ** what

**spill the tea kween: ** I suspected as much.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** WHAT

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh, my!

**sexy owo: ** what a shocking development! i did not expect this at all!

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** wow, I had no idea

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** im so shocked

**extra cheesy: ** wait- how many of you already knew about this?

**sexy owo: ** i told the golden deer

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** and me

**sexy owo: ** and sylvain

**emotional support twink: ** since when were you two friends?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** hello to you too felix thanks for joining the chat

**emotional support twink: ** once again, i've been here the whole time.

**so basically, im babey: ** without saying anything?? you should talk more felix!! :o

**emotional support twink: ** no.

**so basically, im babey: ** >:c

**extra cheesy: ** sorry, can we focus on the topic of the kitchen? why did you two blow it up? and how?

**girljs: ** we were makin pancakes……………..

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** the microwave proved to be quite a challenge.

**extra cheesy: ** pancakes? in a microwave? why?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** THATS WHAT I SAID

**girljs: ** LOOK WE ARE NOT GOOD COOKS IT WAS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE

**spill the tea kween: ** Thank you two for finally coming forward.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** and also fuck you guys for ruining the kitchen

**girljs: ** OUR BAD

**spill the tea kween: ** I'll come up with a suitable punishment later… though, I suppose we can keep this a secret from the other staff members.

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** who are you and what did you do with our professor

**sexy owo: ** whys teach only mean to me

**girljs: ** this is why byleths the cool professor!!!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** thank you, professor.

**spill the tea kween: ** Anyone else have any past misdeeds to confess to while we're here?

**sexy owo: ** wwwwwwwwell

**sexy owo: ** i guess its time to come clean

**sexy owo: ** i stole felix's minecraft diamonds

**extra cheesy: ** ,

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ,

**emotional support twink: ** ,

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** CLAUDE OH MY GOD DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH

**sexy uwu: ** THE MADMAN ACTUALLY FUCKING SAID IT

**emotional support twink: ** claude.

**sexy owo: ** oh my god i regret this already im so fuckign scared

**sexy owo: ** PLEASE DONT HURT ME MR SWORD MAN

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** can we get an f

**girljs: ** f

**so basically, im babey: ** f!!!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** f

**sexy uwu: ** f

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** F

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** f

**emotional support twink: ** you've made an enemy of the wrong person, claude.

**girljs: ** yeah claude you fucked with the wrong twink

**sexy uwu: ** hHSDFHJSDGJHDF HE FUCKED WITH THE WRONG TWINK

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** he rlly did i dont think ive ever seen felix this mad

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** holy shit

**sexy owo:** so this is how it ends

**extra cheesy: ** felix, please don't do anything… violent?

**emotional support twink: ** no promises.

**sexy owo: ** hilda if i die tell dima i love him

**sexy uwu: ** tell him yourself coward

**sexy owo: ** fantastic idea

**sexy owo: ** DIMA I LOVE YOU

**extra cheesy: ** claude i swear you are going to give me a heart attack?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** oh god now that theyre dating does that mean those two are gonna do the gross pda thing all the time like edelgard and dorothea

**girljs: ** HEY WE ARE ADORABLE

**emotional support twink: ** watch yourself, claude. i'm too busy to kill you right now, but i won't forget this.

**sexy owo: ** okay thank you for the brief mercy mr sword man

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** im pretty sure the nicknames arent doing you any favors claude

**sexy owo: ** MY BAD

**spill the tea kween: ** Well, that's another mystery solved, at least.

**spill the tea kween: ** I suppose the only thing left is for whoever told Flayn to type strangely to come forwards.

**spill the tea kween: ** …

**spill the tea kween: ** Or not.

**sexy uwu: ** i guess thats a mystery for another day

**spill the tea kween: ** I suppose so.

**girljs: ** waitwaitwait while we're solving mysteries i gotta ask

**girljs: ** whats the 'shampoo incident'

**extra cheesy: ** oh, god

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** THE SHAMPOO INCIDENT

**emotional support twink:** don't remind me.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** a moment passed down in history..

**girljs: ** WHAT IS IT I WANNA KNOW

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I think only Sylvain, Ingrid and Felix are aware of it? And Dimitri, of course…

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I'm not entirely sure of what happened, but I've seen the four of them reference it many times?

**so basically, im babey: ** yeahhh ive seen it mentioned a lot too!!!! you guys should tell the story i wanna hear ittt :o

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** YES I FINALLY HAVE THE TIME TO TELL THIS STORY

**extra cheesy: ** no really it's fine, you don't have to

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** SORRY DIMITRI UR BOUTTA GET EXPOSED

**girljs: ** HERE WE GO LADS

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i'm so ready

**extra cheesy: ** oh, god...

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** OKAY SO

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** couple of years ago felix, ingrid and i got dimitri shampoo for his birthday because god knows he needed it

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** and ingrid asks him if he knows how to use it

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** he confirms that yes, he knows what shampoo is, he knows the purpose of shampoo, he is well aware of how to apply shampoo, he knows how to use it

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** he seemed confident so we decided to leave him to it

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** top ten photos taken SECONDS before disaster

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** a couple of days later we're at the dinner table and

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** and we see dimitri eating a fuckign hotdog and he has

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** he has his shampoo bottle next to him and the three of us just

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** WE JUST WATCH AS HE POURS SHAMPOO ALL OVER THE HOTDOG AND TAKES A FUCKING BITE

**girljs: ** HOLY SHIT

**sexy uwu: ** HE WHAT

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** OH MY GOD????

**sleepy bitch disease: ** wow

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** AND WE'RE LIKE "DIMITRI NO" AND RUN OVER TO STOP HIM

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** and we explain to him

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** we explain that shampoo goes in your hair and he

**extra cheesy: ** here it comes

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** AND HE

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** HE LIFTS UP HIS SHAMPOO-COVERED HOTDOG AND UFCKING

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** SLAPS IT ON HIS HEAD

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** RIGHT THEN AND THERE

**girljs: ** H

**sexy owo: ** thats my man

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** wow.

**extra cheesy: ** i… was not at my best on that day, that's for sure

**girljs: ** IM IN TEARSAJHDGHHJG THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** RIGHTTT

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** Oh, my! ...I must admit, that is quite funny.

**sexy uwu: ** EVEN MERCEDES IS COMING FOR DIMITRIS WIG

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** HFGDH HIS WIG

**girljs: ** HIS SHAMPOO HOTDOG WIG

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** IM IN TEARS

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** OH MY GOD

**extra cheesy: ** as embarrassing as this is… i'm glad you all at least find it funny? it is quite entertaining to look back on, i must admit…

**sleepy bitch disease: ** the real question is did you ever figure out how to properly use shampoo in the end

**extra cheesy: ** ...no comment

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 3:33 PM ]**

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** hey has anyone here played dnd before

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** no.

**emotional support twink: ** no.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** WOAH they're in sync

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** tbh they do have kinda similar typing styles

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** maybe felix and edelgard have been the same person this entire time and we didnt even notice

**emotional support twink: ** what the fuck.

**girljs: ** not gonna lie im a lil offended that youd compare my girlfriend to a balding twink but ok

**sexy uwu: ** A

**sexy uwu: ** A BALDING TWINK

**sexy owo: ** (sylvain voice) shut the fuck up thats my emotional support twink

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** DONT EXPOSE ME

**so basically, im babey: ** ive never played dnd before!! is it fun??

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I've never played it either, though I've heard good things about it! Why do you ask, Ferdinand?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i was looking up about the game and honestly it looks kind of fun?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** i'm not saying we should play it sometime but we should play it sometime

**girljs: ** ferdie im sorry but that sounds even more disasterous than my truth or dare game

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** damn dorothea wheres the support :( i thought we were friends :(

**girljs: ** u thought wrong

**sexy uwu: ** (dorothea voice) yes i love all the black eagles equally: edelgard, petra, bernadetta, and (looks at smudged writing on hand) fish fillet vore aeroplane

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** h

**girljs: ** FFFFISH FILLET

**girljs: ** VORE

**girljs: ** AEROPLANE

**girljs: ** HILDAAASDFADSBDGDFHG

**sexy owo: ** IM IN TEARS

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** OH MY GOD

***ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR: ** H

**sexy owo has changed *ferdinand voice* i am FISHDINAND VON AEGIR to *ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE.**

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** LET ME BREATHE

**girljs: ** NEVER

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** as i was saying before dorothea ended my entire life

**girljs: ** ;)))

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** dnd is valid and we should play it

**creeper: ** For once, I agree with you.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** ,

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** wait for real

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** thats so weird

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** dont do that please

**creeper: ** What? All I said was that I agreed with you.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** I KNOW AND THATS SO WEIRD

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** FIRST YOURE A SWIFTIE NOW YOURE AGREEING WITH ME?? HUBERT ITS LIKE I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU

**creeper: ** Clearly, you don't.

**creeper: ** And I'm not a Swiftie.

**girljs: ** uh huh

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Hubert's a swiftie?

**so basically, im babey: ** im a swiftie!!!!

**girljs: ** yes he is

**girljs: ** also annette i love you and youre now invited to our weekly swiftie club!!!!

**so basically, im babey: ** HELL YEAH!!!

**Jared, 19: ** Welcome!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** the more the merrier

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** hubert do you wanna join swiftie club :)

**creeper: ** I'm not a Swiftie, so, no.

**creeper: ** But I would be happy to lurk in the corner of the room and judge you all for your terrible taste in music.

**girljs: ** omg i cant believe hubert just joined the swiftie club

**Jared, 19: ** Any new members are welcome!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** im happy about our two new members but we got offtopic again SO

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** whos in favor of dnd

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i don't think it sounds so bad, actually.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I'd love to play! But… wouldn't we need someone to write and run the campaign?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** uum actually i

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** i could

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** do thhat

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** i actually um

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** wrote a campaign oonce i 

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** i just didnt have any ffriends to play the game with so i

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** yeah

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** BBUT ITS OKAY IF YOU GUYS DONT WANTME TO

**girljs: ** NO THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA BERN

**Jared, 19: ** Indeed, that sounds good to me as well!

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** yeah i'm down

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** oh!!! um that makes me really happy thank yyou

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** oh thank god i was worried you guys would ask me to dm

**girljs: ** ferdie, with all due respect, i would never trust you with something as powerful as that

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** "with all due respect" sounds fake but okay

**girljs: ** u got me there chief :/

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** uum anyways

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** if anyone nneeds,, , character creation help you can dm me !!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** and um

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** ddont feel pressured t otake this too seriously !!! its just a game for fun so if you gguys want to make joke characters tthats fine too haha

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** oh thank god

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** and um!! if any of you wwant to share your character ideas here you can go ahead ??

**sexy uwu: ** gladly :) claude and i have already thought of our characters!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** oh boy here it comes

**sexy uwu: ** my character is named tweedle dee he is a garden gnome

**sexy owo: ** and my character is named dee tweedle she is also a garden gnome

**sexy uwu: ** they are two garden gnomes who sit on each other's shoulders and wear a trenchcoat to give the illusion of one function human being, much like claude and myself in real life

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** hey what the fuck does that mean

**sexy owo: ** :)

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** this is off to a bad start but it can still be salvaged

**Moto Moto: ** my character is a slice of BEEF

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** I jinxed it huh

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** how does that even work??

**Moto Moto: ** Slap people to death with beef

**haha just kidding... unless?:** cant argue with that logic

**sleepy bitch disease: ** does the slive of beef have a name

**Moto Moto: ** Yes

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** what is it??

**Moto Moto: ** Havent thought of it yet

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** ah

**girljs: ** i love this already

**sleepy bitch disease: ** my character is seteth

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** SETETH

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** LINHARDT YOU GENIUS

**girljs: ** OHM Y GOD I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** so far we have a slice of beef, seteth, and two garden gnomes??

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** This is awful

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** is anyone planning on taking this seriously

**girljs: ** absolutely not

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** my character's a vampire.

**creeper: ** Mine is also a vampire.

**girljs: ** my character is a funky lil lesbian who likes to dance

**sexy uwu: ** i like dorotheas character

**girljs: ** thanks!! her name's fish fillet vore aeroplane

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** god damn it

**sexy uwu: ** HELL YEAH

**Jared, 19: ** Hm... my character will be Taylor Swift!

**girljs: ** PETRA I LOVE YOU

**Jared, 19: ** I love you too, Dorothea! 💖

**girljs: ** PETRAAA 💖💖💖

**girljs: ** CATCH ME CRYING IN THE CLUB RN

**Jared, 19: ** Oh! Please do not cry?

**girljs: ** TOO LATE MY TEARS ARE EVERYWHERE

**sexy owo: ** local girls too good for this world, too pure

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** My character is a cleric half-elf who runs a bakery with her little brother!

**so basically, im babey: ** and i'm her tiefling friend!!! who sings at the bakery sometimes!!!!

**sexy owo: ** LOCAL GIRLS TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD, TOO PURE

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Finally, at least some of us are taking the game seriously

**sexy owo: ** whats ur character then leonie??

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** Captain Jeraldt of course

**sexy owo: ** ah i see

**spill the tea kween is online.**

**spill the tea kween: ** Pardon?

**sexy owo: ** ,

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** OH

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** YOU SUMMONED HER

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** HOLY SHIT

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** LEONIE YOU FUCKED UP

**girljs: ** OHM Y GOD UDSAGFDHJGHDJFGDHJ

**sexy uwu: ** RUN FOR UR LIFE WEONIE

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: ** OH GOD OH FUCK

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w< is offline.**

**sexy owo: ** IM PISSIGN

**spill the tea kween: ** What just happened?

**sexy owo: ** I CANT BREATHE THIS IS SO FUNNY

**haha just kidding... unless?: ** leonie finally gets exposed for her weird obsession with the professors father

**spill the tea kween: ** Oh, haha, I was already aware of her weird obsession.

**girljs: ** DAMN PROFESSOR BYLETH IS JUST SNATCHING EVERYONES WIGS TODAY HUH

**sexy owo: ** IM GLAD IM NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT TEACH BULLIES

**sexy uwu: ** watch out lorenz shes coming for ur wig snatching brand

**lorenz the wig snatcher: ** for the last time, i DO NOT snatch wigs.

**spill the tea kween: ** I see you're all planning to play DND?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** indeed, we are.

**extra cheesy: ** you should join us professor! if you want to, that is

**spill the tea kween: ** I'll probably be too busy, but I'll definitely consider it. 

**spill the tea kween: ** I hope you all have fun, though.

**spill the tea kween: ** I'll be right back- I need to find Flayn and tell her about this.

**spill the tea kween is offline.**

**sleepy bitch disease: ** lets be real byleth would kick all of our asses if she played with us

**girljs: ** she rlly would

**Moto Moto: ** I thought of a name for my beef slice

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** please share??

**Moto Moto: ** Beefy Stevey

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** nice

**sexy owo: ** i

**sexy owo: ** i love it

**girljs: ** we STAN beefy stevey in this house

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** who else has character ideas they wanna share?

**emotional support twink: ** my character has a sword.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** just a sword?

**emotional support twink: ** yes.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** not even a name??

**emotional support twink: ** don't need one.

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** he studied the blade

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** great

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** im gonna regret asking but whats your character sylvain?

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** am i allowed to say succubus

**girljs: ** no

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** god damn it

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** last i checked you werent the dm

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** bernadetta can i be a succubus ;)

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** uum,, yyeah if you want !!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** jjust hhaha please dont do anything too weird??

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** ;)

**girljs: ** sylvain

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** sylvain

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** JSDFGH OKAY I WONT

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** okay well my character is a succubus named chad

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i hope you know how much i hate you

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** believe me i do

**spill the tea kween is online.**

**litle creacher is online.**

**extra cheesy: ** welcome back, professor, and hello flayn!

**litle creacher: ** Hello, everyone! The Professor informed me that you were all going to play 'DnD'?

**Jared, 19: ** Yes, we are!

**spill the tea kween: ** Flayn and I will not be able to be present for the entirity of the campaign, but we came up with characters nevertheless.

**lorenz the wig snatcher: ** do share.

**spill the tea kween: ** I am a travelling mercenary, and with her at all times is my trusted companion… a fish, that spends its days idly circling its fishbowl. I carry the fishbowl with utmost care as to ensure it is not broken while I travel.

**litle creacher: ** And I am the fish!

**girljs: ** byleth is such a mom when it comes to flayn and tbh? i stan that

**spill the tea kween: ** What can I say? She's my favorite student.

**lorenz the wig snatcher: ** ah.

**girljs: ** ,

**sexy owo: ** WOW

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** rude

**litle creacher: ** Oh!

**litle creacher: ** Thank you so much, Professor!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** i cant even be mad, she deserves it

**spill the tea kween: ** I agree, she does. :)

**sexy owo: ** i cant tell if shes being nice to flayn or just trying to roast the rest of us

**girljs: ** maybe its both

**sexy uwu: ** byleth the wig snatcher strikes again

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: ** youve heard of lorenz the wig snatcher now its byleth the wig snatcher

**spill the tea kween: ** :)

**deathknightdestroyer69: ** can my character be lorenz the wig snatcher?

**girljs: ** YES

**sexy uwu: ** PLEASE

**lorenz the wig snatcher: ** god damn it.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** uum does anyone else have characters they wwant to share??

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** i need a bit more time to think on mine

**oovoo javer: ** me too sorry!!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** oh um thats absolutely ffine !! uum i need a couple hours to find my old documents and get everything organized so um

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** iif the rest of you would like to just dm me yyour character info in that time thatd be helpful !!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** is everyone free at aaround 7pm today to start ?? itll bbe a short campaign sso we can probably finish it in one night

**extra cheesy: ** 7pm sounds good!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** That sounds good to me too!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'm free, yes.

**sleepy bitch disease: ** i'll be there

**sexy owo: ** sounds good yo!!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** see you guys at 7pm

**sexy uwu: ** i guess you could say

**sexy uwu: ** cy'all at 7pm ;)

**girljs: ** ohmygod

**girljs: ** PLEASE STOP SAYING CY'ALL HILDA IM BEGGING YOU

**sexy uwu: ** NEVER

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 7:03 PM ]**

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** hhey everyone here ??

**girljs: ** present!!

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** sup

**sexy owo: ** im here

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: ** hello!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** I'm here!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** hey

**Jared, 19: ** I am here!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** hey everyone!

**creeper: ** I am here.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** as am i.

**so basically, im babey: ** pretty sure most of us are here!! and some others will probably show up as we play yeah?? :o

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** ookay um!! this is a ppretty big group hhaha

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** uum because of that we might do things a bit differently,,?? since taking turns would take a rreally long time hahha

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** so um !! maybe we can just jjump into it and ill explain the rules as we go if thats alright ??

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: ** gotcha!

**girljs: ** sounds good to me!!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** lets go!!

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** cant wait to seduce all the monsters ;))

**sexy uwu: ** sylvain please dont ruin the campaign before it even begins

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** ookay um!! im going to type up a post and you guys can reply to it with your actions ?? ithink thatll work a bit better than taking turns, ,,

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: ** That sounds like a good idea!

**Jared, 19: ** I agree! Begin whenever you are ready, Bernadetta.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** aalright!! here we g o

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** your eyes blink open, and you find yourself lying on the floor. you have no memory of where you are or how you got there, and as you sit up to survey your surroundings you realise you've never seen this place before.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** you feel faintly dizzy as you bring yourself to your feet. wherever you are, you're not alone- you're surrounded by people, some familiar, most foreign. glancing around, you see you appear to be in some sort of dimly lit dungeon, if the barred windows and stone floor is anything to go off of.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** at the front of the dungeon is a barred door; naturally, you move to open it, but attempting to do so will prove useless as the door doesn't even budge. on the front of it, you can see a large, golden lock, holding the door tightly shut. what do you do?

**haha just kidding… unless?: ** i roll to seduce the door

**emotional support twink: ** i roll to stab the door.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: ** god fucking damn it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time: dnd!!! i know not everyone got around to introducing their dnd characters just yet, but dont worry bc the remainders will be introduced next chapter!! i just didnt want this one to get too long + i wanted to get it out asap SDJFHGFDSHFSD anyways dorotheas party SHOULD be the chapter after the next one, emphasis on should because honestly?? i suck at sticking to plans so anything could happen
> 
> thank you all again for the lovely comments!!! ive had a busy time @ school so i havent been able to reply but i read and appreciate every one of them :') its school holidays soon so hopefully ill get back into more frequent updates + replying to comments more often!! <33
> 
> https://twitter.com/springbutbetter anyways hello welcome to my weekly twitter promo i draw lesbians sometimes!!


	10. hubert the 7ft gremlin (ft clown felix)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **haha just kidding… unless?:** i roll to seduce the suits of armor
> 
> **haha just kidding… unless?:** !roll 1d20
> 
> **Dice Bot:** You rolled a 1!
> 
> **I haven't seen the sun in 84 years:** crit fail, you end up hitting on felix instead

**[ Seteth's Scrub's - 7:11 PM ]**

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **okaay um

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **ii got edelgard to add a bot for dice rolling so um !! iif you want to roll just specify wwhat action you're ddoing and then ttype !roll 1d20 to roll the dice ,,,

**emotional support twink: **rolling to stab the door.

**emotional support twink: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled 11!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **you successfully stab the door but its um. made of metal so it doesnt do much?

**emotional support twink: **worth a shot.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **rolling to seduce the door ;)))

**haha just kidding… unless?: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 14!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **uum once again, this is a door, so no matter how impressive your pickup lines are, seducing it isnt gonna ddo much,,

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **thank god

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i did my best

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **can i roll to bite the door

**sleepy bitch disease: **do you even have a character, caspar?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **shit give me a second to think of one

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **okay got it

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **im a gremlin but like 7 feet tall

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **my name is hubert

**sleepy bitch disease: **nice

**sexy owo: **HSGDFGSHJGH HUBERT THE 7FT GREMLIN

**girljs: **AMAZINF

**creeper: **...

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **JHSFHDHGSFDSHGDSF

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **you can bite the door if you want but um?? iit probably wont do much

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Um… shouldn't we try looking around for a key, rather than resorting to force?

**so basically, im babey: **do it bite the door!!!!!!!!!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **ROLLING TO BITE THE DOOR

**so basically, im babey: **YEAH!!!!

**sexy owo: **GOOD LUCK

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 2!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **aah

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **,

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **FUCK

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **when you try to bite down, your head gets stuck between the bars of the door, and no matter how hard you try, you find that you can't detach yourself from the door

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **I ROLL TO BITE HARDER

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 6!

**sleepy bitch disease: **he never learns does he?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **you feel some of your teeth crack. the door still doesn't budge

**girljs: **HJSFGHDHGFDS THIS IS SO SAd CAN WE GET AN F

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **f

**so basically, im babey: **f!!!

**extra cheesy: **f..

**sexy owo: **f

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **FUCKK

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **so anyone have GOOD ideas on what to do

**sleepy bitch disease: **i look closer at the stone floor of the dungeon- do i have to roll for that?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **yyep!! thats a perception check

**sleepy bitch disease: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 17!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **your eyes scan the stone floor of the dungeon and land upon a stone that seems out of place from the others. upon further inspection, it appears the stone is loose and able to be picked up.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **finally, we're getting somewhere.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **lmao chill its been like 5 minutes since we started

**sexy uwu: **i pick up the loose stone at throw it at lorenz

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **god damn it.

**girljs: **hJSDFGDGHJHSDFGHSD

**sexy owo: **NICE

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **what.

**Marianne: **oh um,, does llorenz even have a character yet ??

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **can my character just be myself?

**deathknightdestroyer69: **but MY character is lorenz the wig snatcher, we can't have the same character?

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **we wouldn't have the same character. MY character is lorenz hellman gloucester, yours is merely a lowly imposter.

**sexy owo: **l……… lowly imposter……………..

**girljs: **LORENZ KIN NO DOUBLES

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **HJDGSFD NO DOUBLES

**deathknightdestroyer69: **watch out, lorenz. I snipe doubles on sight.

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **i'm not the double, you are.

**sleepy bitch disease: **i cant believe you guys are having kin wars

**haha just kidding... unless?: **kin wars?? in MY group chat???

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **please can we stop the kin wars and go back to dnd

**sexy uwu: **yes we can!! im rolling to throw the stone at lorenz hellman gloucester himself

**sexy uwu: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 9!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **the stone hits lorenz, but then bounces off and hits tweedle dee in the face on the rebound

**sexy uwu: **worth it

**sexy owo: **IT WAS FOR A GOOD CAUSE

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i pick up the stone and pocket it so that no one else can throw it around.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **damn i was gonna throw it at hubert

**sleepy bitch disease: **you're still stuck in the door caspar

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **LET ME DREAM

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i look at the space where the loose stone was- was there anything underneath it?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **there is! moving the stone reveals a gap in the floor in which you find a small envelope.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i take the envelope and swallow it

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **ah,

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **what the fuck is wrong with you

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **don't we need that? can i stop him?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **uum! roll for speed both of yyou ??

**haha just kidding… unless?: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 7!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **that shouldn't be hard to beat.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 6!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i spoke too soon.

**extra cheesy: **sylvain… why

**haha just kidding… unless?: **chad the succubus CANNOT be controlled

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **I'm gonna assume that envelope was important and sylvain just fucked us all over

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Hey, let's not lose hope yet! We just have to look for another way out, yeah?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **uum !! wwell yes the envelope was important bbut you can probably work your way out of the dungeon without it !!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **god fucking DAMN it sylvain

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i will NOT apologise

**sexy owo: **ok team how are we gonna get outta here

**emotional support twink: **can't we just cut sylvain open and get the envelope back out?

**sexy owo: **FANTASTIC idea

**girljs: **ugh genius...

**haha just kidding… unless?: **h

**haha just kidding… unless?: **haha funny joke felix!

**emotional support twink: **not joking. can i roll to do that?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **HHAHA FUNNY JOKE FELIX YOU ABSOLUTE C LOWN

**emotional support twink: **call me a clown again and you die.

**extra cheesy: **i had a dream once where felix was a clown, actually..

**haha just kidding… unless?: **,

**emotional support twink: **what.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **SFDHGDS DIMITR I??

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **...Pardon?

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **That caught me so off-guard holy shit

**haha just kidding… unless?: **IM SORRY YOU WHAT

**sexy owo: **HELLO

**extra cheesy: **what? i was just sharing. we can return to the game now

**haha just kidding… unless?: **NO?? WE CANT???

**haha just kidding… unless?: **YOU C ANT JUST SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND NOT TELL US THE DETAILS

**haha just kidding… unless?: **ELABORATE PLEASE DIMITRI

**extra cheesy: **um… what is there to elaborate on?

**extra cheesy: **in the dream we were adults, and i was visiting the circus.

**oovoo javer: **were you there alone??

**extra cheesy: **um… does it matter?

**oovoo javer: **yes!! its basic storytelling! you've got to set the scene dimitri!

**oovoo javer: **were you there alone?? if not, who was there with you?? what was the circus like?? why were you there??

**extra cheesy: **okay, okay, i get it! um…

**extra cheesy: **no, i was there with claude and our son.

**sexy uwu: **,

**sexy owo: **our what

**extra cheesy: **our son.

**sexy owo: **WE HAVE A SON???

**extra cheesy: **in the dream, yes!

**sexy owo: **I CANT BELIEVE IM A FATHER

**sexy owo: **HILDA CAN YOU BELIEVE IT

**sexy uwu: **I CANT BELIEVE IT

**sexy uwu: **DOES THIS MAKE ME AN AUNT

**sexy owo: **I THINK IT DOES

**extra cheesy: **you're both missing the point!

**sexy owo: **dima does our son have a name

**extra cheesy: **um… yes? it was cilantro

**sexy owo: **I LOVE HIM… CILANTRO… MY BOY…

**haha just kidding… unless?: **okay we get it you guys are in a happy and functional relationship stop flexing on the rest of us simpletons its not FAIR

**girljs: **did someone say happy and functional relationship ;)

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **:)

**haha just kidding… unless?: **SHUT UP

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **this is lovely and all but can we get back to dimitri's clown dream?

**extra cheesy: **right, sorry!

**extra cheesy: **we were going to the circus because cilantro wanted to go. and on the way in, this clown tapped cilantro on the shoulder and was like, "hey kid, want a bloon?"

**girljs: **a what now

**sexy owo: **you heard the man, a bloon

**extra cheesy: **i'm just reciting how he said it in the dream?

**sleepy bitch disease: **(komaeda voice) take my bloon

**sexy uwu: **SHUT SHUT SSSSSHUT UP DO NOT SAY K*MAEDA IN HERE

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **LMAO K*MAEDA

**girljs: **first kin wars now we're saying k*maeda n*gito in the group chat?? its REAL cursed hours today

**emotional support twink: **dimitri, can you hurry the fuck up and finish your stupid story so that we can get back to the game and i can pretend this never happened.

**extra cheesy: **sorry! i'll make this quick

**extra cheesy: **so claude and i looked at the clown and recognised it as felix, so we were all, "felix? is that you?"

**extra cheesy:** and then he punched me in the face and ran

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **TOO REAL

**haha just kidding… unless?: **I JSUT SPAT OUT MY SODa OH M YGODANHGDFSHJG

**emotional support twink: **what the fuck.

**extra cheesy: **and that's… about it, i guess?

**sexy owo: **10/10, even better than my lorenz the wig snatcher story

**sexy uwu: **IM CRYINGHSDFGDH

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **are you finally done? can we continue with the game?

**extra cheesy: **yes! i'm done, please continue. sorry for holding the game up everyone

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: **It's alright.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **YOU DONT NEED TO APOLOGISE IM IN TEAR S AT FELIX THE CLOWN

**so basically, im babey: **felix taking boo boo the fool to a whole new level

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **BOO BOO THE FOOL

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **HNSADHGDHSDGDFSHFDS

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **can we PLEASE get on with the game?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **SDFHGDSH SORRY YES WE CAN

**creeper: **Well, the envelope is gone, though cutting Sylvain open to retrieve it is still a valid option.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i have to assume the envelope's contents would have provided us with some sort of clue on how to escape, however i'm sure we can still get out without it. we'll just have to think smart and logically, but if we put our heads together, i have faith that we can escape without resorting to slicing open a teammate.

**Moto Moto: **DONT WORRY I GOT AN IDEA

**Moto Moto: **I roll to rip the door off its hinges

**Moto Moto: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 20!

**Moto Moto: **YEAHHH BEEFY STEVEY

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **...or you could do that.

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: **oh! great job Raphael

**deathknightdestroyer69: **our first nat 20 of the game, and it's for this...

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **aah um!! alright that works hhaha

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **even with hubert the 7ft gremlin still attached to the door, you manage to use brute strength to quite literally rip it from its hinges. it takes some effort, but eventually, beefy stevey succeeds. you're now free to exit the dungeon.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **oh fuck i forgot i was still attached to the door

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **i roll to try and get unstuck from the door???

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 3!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **WHY ARE ALL MY ROLLS SHIT

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **no matter how hard you try, you remain stuck tight to the door,,

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **ah shit i guess its coming with us then

**sleepy bitch disease: **i'll help you carry it, caspar

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **THANKS LIN UR A REAL ONE

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **let's move forwards, shall we?

**creeper: **Please.

  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 8:27 PM ]**

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** you've been wandering the halls for a short while now, no less enlightened as to where exactly you are and, more importantly, _ why _ you're here. your group turns a corner and is met with yet another hallway, however this one is notably different to the previous ones; it's considerably larger, for a start, and there's multiple suits of armor positioned against the walls stretching down the hallway.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i roll to seduce the suits of armor

**haha just kidding… unless?: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 1!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **crit fail, you end up hitting on felix instead

**haha just kidding… unless?: **WH

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **too real

**girljs: **HHASDHDFGASDJSUYDFSH

**sexy uwu: **does this mean if felix gets a nat 1 when he rolls to stab he'll end up stabbing sylvain

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **god i hope so

**emotional support twink: **i don't see a downside.

**extra cheesy: **so, can we just proceed through the hallway?

**sexy owo: **hold up, bernie made sure to mention that this one is different, maybe theres some kinda trap or puzzle in here??

**deathknightdestroyer69: **claude's right, we should move carefully

**sexy uwu: **DW I GOT THIS

**sexy uwu: **I ROLL TO THROW LORENZ DOWN THE HALLWAY

**sexy uwu: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 15!

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **hm.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **your throw sends lorenz just a little less than halfway down the hall- as he passes by one of the suits of armor, the eye sockets in its' helmet light up and the axe it is holding comes crashing down. lorenz, could you roll a saving throw,,?

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **of course.

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 17!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **as you fly past, the axe comes crashing down, narrowly missing your head- you escape entirely unscathed.

**sexy uwu: **sad

**sexy owo: **sad

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **good.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **hm, so the hall is trapped, then… i hope there's some way to get through this without having to use lorenz to activate all the traps beforehand. anyone got ideas?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **OH I KNOW

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **i can use the door attached to myself as a SHIELD and just run through

**sleepy bitch disease: **genius

**girljs: **how does he do it

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **wwell um,, you /could/ look for a way to disable the traps bbut i guess that works too ??

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **I ROLL TO DO MY GENIUS PLAN

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **uum i guess !! if yyoure gonna do that then roll with advantage?? iits where you roll twice and choose the better of the two rolls, ssince you have something to shielf yourself

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **HELL YEAH

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 16!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 7!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **ookay so um !! that means your roll is a 16

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **FINALLY luck is on my side

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **you charge down the hallway, using the door to shield yourself from the traps you set off- another suit of armor swings at you, but you block it easily, and as you near the end of the hallway, an arrow shoots out of the wall, narrowly missing hitting you. you make it to the end in one piece, luckily.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i have to assume there's some traps still left to be set off… there has to be some sort of puzzle in here to solve, so perhaps we should try focusing on that?

**deathknightdestroyer69: **we found something under the stone floor back in the dungeon, so can I roll to examine the walls at the front the hallway?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **go ahead !!

**deathknightdestroyer69: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 14!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **you move forwards to get a closer look at the wall nearby where you're standing- for the most part, nothing seems to be too out of place, but one of the bricks in the wall is jutting out ever so slightly

**deathknightdestroyer69: **can I pull it out?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **you can try, but it doesn't move.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **do we have to push it inwards instead? like some sort of button?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **can yall hurry the fuck up im already bored

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **just run through the hallway im sure at least half of you will survive

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **can you be patient for one second? maybe some of us actually want to THINK our way through this game instead of just basing our actions on 50/50 chances.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **i roll to charge through the hallway and dodge the traps!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **fuck's sake

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **edelgard is just jealous that i'm going to make it to the end of the hallway before her :)

  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 9:44 PM ]**

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **after solving a few more puzzles, you find yourselves at the end of a stone corridor, your only option being to turn right. you continue down the one-way passage for a short while, before arriving at two staircases; one on your left leads downwards, presumably underground, whereas the other one, on your right, goes upwards. what do you do?

**sexy uwu: **i roll to push lorenz down the stairs

**girljs: **,

**sexy uwu: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 16!

**sexy uwu: **NICE

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **HE JUST CANT CATCH A BREAK TODAY HUH

**deathknightdestroyer69: **lorenz can't catch a break, ever. we've established this before

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **he falls down the stairs and breaks his collarbone

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **fuck's sake.

**sexy owo: **i roll to laugh at lorenz

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Why do you need to roll for that?

**sexy owo: **because im not a COWARD thats why

**sexy owo: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 13!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **um. you successfully laugh at lorenz?

**sexy owo: **hell yeah i did

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **this is so stupid

**Marianne: **aaw,, can i hhelp lorenz back up the stairs?? i feel bad for him ;;;

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I'll help with that too..!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **um well !! you guys dont nneed to roll for that sso i'll just say the two of you llift up lorenz in between you and help carry him bback up the stairs

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **thank you both, i appreciate it. at least some people here are charitable.

**deathknightdestroyer69: **damn you guys should have just left him there :/

**sexy owo: **shoulve just stood there and watched him burn

**sexy owo: **(dimitri)

**sexy owo: **(back me up here)

**extra cheesy: **...but that's alright because he likes the way it hurts?

**sexy owo: **THATS MY MAN

**girljs: **fuckdsfhnsfghdfs i FORGOT dimitri was a rihanna stan

**extra cheesy: **i wouldn't call myself a stan, i just like the song..

**so basically, im babey: **good taste!!!!!

**creeper: **Can we continue with the game already? Lady Edelgard, which staircase do you believe we should take?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **hm, i think the one going upwards is the safer bet in this case.

**creeper: **We proceed up the staircase to the right.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **HOL UP

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **WE HAVE NOT ALL AGREED TO THIS

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **i think we should go to the left staircase

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **yeah i agree with ferdinand on this one

**girljs: **u guys just want to disagree with edie dont you ://

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **guilty as charged

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **got me there chief

**extra cheesy: **maybe we can split up?

**sexy owo: **pretty sure splitting up is like, instant death in dnd

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **why dont we send sylvain down one staircase and the rest of us take the other one

**haha just kidding... unless?: **H EY

**emotional support twink: **sounds good to me.

**so basically, im babey: **sounds good to me!!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **EVEN ANNETTE IS COMING FOR MY WIG WHGAT THE FUCK

**so basically, im babey: **:p

**oovoo javer: **aww guys be nice!! we should stick in a big group

**haha just kidding... unless?: **YES EXACTLY THANK YOU ASHE

**oovoo javer: **no sending sylvain off on his own, no matter how much he deserves it!!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **H

**emotional support twink: **nice.

**girljs: **IM CRYIN G

**girljs: **FIRST LORENZ NOW SYLVAIN CANT CATCH A BREAK DSHGFDSBGDF

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **it's what he deserves

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Hey, now, let's all be nice!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I don't see anything wrong with either staircase, so why don't we start with the right one and then return to the left one later on?

**extra cheesy: **i think that's the best course of action, yes! let's do that.

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: **I agree.

**creeper: **Any complaints?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **fine right staircase it is

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **your group proceeds to the right staircase, and as you begin to ascend it you realise it's much longer than you first thought; the only indication of your progress as you climb the stairs is the occasional window that lets you see how far you are from the ground when you peer through it.

**sexy uwu: **question

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **the windows are barred you cant throw lorenz out of them

**sexy uwu: **gotcha

  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 10:17 PM ]**

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: ** the puzzles and traps are appearing more and more frequently; you're still not entirely sure _ where _ you are, but by now you're at least aware that it's a castle of sorts. you figure that, considering how long you've spent in the castle already, you must be getting close to the exit.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **up until this point, your strange, mismatched group are the only people you've seen in the castle- but that's about to change. as you proceed forwards, you hear a clanking noise a little way off that is unmistakably footsteps- footsteps that are heading in your direction. you don't even have time to think before a group of armor-clad people that you can only assume to be castle guards round the corner and come face-to-face with your party. what do you do?

**Jared, 19: **Should we be trying to talk to them? Perhaps they can be of help to us.

**girljs: **yeah i think petras right!!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **talking sounds good. maybe we can get some answers.

**emotional support twink: **i roll to stab the guards.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **,

**girljs: **,

**Jared, 19: **Oh

**haha just kidding… unless?: **thats our man

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **felix you absolute fuck

**emotional support twink: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 14!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **before the guards can say or do anything, you jump forwards to attack them, landing a good hit on a couple of them- if they weren't planning on fighting you before, they most certainly are now.

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: **We have no choice but to fight our way out.

**girljs: **THANKS felix you ruined everything

**extra cheesy: **how many guards are there?

**emotional support twink: **doesn't matter. i'm fighting all of them on my own.

**sexy owo: **MR SWORDMAN STRIKES AGAIN

**sexy uwu: **THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN

**extra cheesy: **that won't do! felix, we'll help you out, there's no way you can take them all on your own

**emotional support twink: **no. i've got this. no one do anything and just let me handle it.

**so basically, im babey: **felix!!! you should let us help!!!!

**emotional support twink: **fuck you all.

**so basically, im babey: **>:O RUDE

**so basically, im babey: **I ROLL TO KICK FELIX IN THE SHIN!!!!

**girljs: **KICK HIS ASS HONEY

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh my, Annie! So violent!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **its okay he deserves it

**emotional support twink: **sure.

**so basically, im babey: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 19!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **you break his leg

**emotional support twink: **fuck

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **nice

**so basically, im babey: **HELL YEAHHHH

**sexy uwu: **annette i love you can i adopt you

**so basically, im babey: **sure!!!

**girljs: **NO I WANT HER

**sexy uwu: **YOU CAN HAVE HER ON THURSDAYS

**girljs: **I WANT THE WEEKENDS AS WELL

**sexy uwu: **I'LL GIVE YOU SATURDAYS

**girljs: **IN THAT CASE I WANT FRIDAYS TOO

**sexy uwu: **DEAL

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **wow annette how come god let you have TWO moms

**so basically, im babey: **three actually!!! i have mercie too

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **That's right!

**extra cheesy: **how is felix going to fight with a broken leg?

**emotional support twink: **i'll crawl.

**extra cheesy: **that… just seems like you're setting yourself up for failure?

**haha just kidding... unless?: **dw i got this ;))

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i roll to pick up felix bridal style and hold him back from fighting ;))

**haha just kidding... unless?: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 14!

**emotional support twink: **i roll to run away from sylvain.

**haha just kidding... unless?: ***chad

**emotional support twink: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 5!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **sylvain successfully catches felix, lifting him up and carrying him bridal style

**haha just kidding... unless?: ***chad

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **chad successfully catches felix, lifting him up and carrying him bridal style

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **cant believe i had to read that sentence with my own two eyes

**emotional support twink: **i roll to punch sylvain in the face.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **FELIX NO

**haha just kidding... unless?: **LET ME LOVE YOU

**emotional support twink: **die.

**emotional support twink: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled an 18!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **you break his nose

**haha just kidding... unless?: **H

**emotional support twink: **good.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **oh my god

**girljs: **IM CRYING THIS IS JUST ONE DISASTER AFTER THE NEXT

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **in case you had all forgotten, there are guards about to try and kill us. can we cease the infighting and do something useful for once?

**creeper: **Lady Edelgard is, of course, right as always.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **ok bootlicker

**sexy owo: **hhHDSHNSGJSADGHJ BOOTLICKER

**creeper: **I do not lick boots.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **ok bootlicker

**sleepy bitch disease: **ok bootlicker

**so basically, im babey: **linhardt coming in w that sweet support

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **THANKS LIN UR A REAL ONE

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **can we PLEASE stop getting off track and just focus on the fight with the guards?

  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 11:42 PM ]**

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **it took your group some time, and you used some… questionable tactics, but you finally defeat the last of the guards; the rest of them either fled or were knocked out, but it seems they no longer pose a threat to your group. the last guard to be struck down is still conscious, his weapon long knocked from his hands, and he cowers in front of your group, falling to his knees as he begins to beg for your mercy.

**sexy uwu: **thats… kinda sad

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **We can just let him go, right? It's not like we're here to kill...

**deathknightdestroyer69: **hold up, maybe we can question him? see if he knows anything?

**emotional support twink: **i roll to stab the guard.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i hate you

**so basically, im babey: **FELIX >:(

**sexy uwu: **god DAMN it

**emotional support twink: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled a 2!

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i roll to seduce the guard

**haha just kidding… unless?: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You got a 7!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i roll to hold felix and sylvain back from trying either of those things

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You got a 17!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **ingrid successfully stops the two of them from doing anything stupid

**emotional support twink: **damn.

**sexy uwu: **ingrid out here doing gods work

**girljs: **you have been STOPPED

**oovoo javer: **should we try to question the guard then??

**extra cheesy: **he might not even know anything useful...

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **the guard cowers in fear, holding up his hands, "p-please, don't kill me! i'll tell you whatever it is you wish to know, just so long as you let me go afterwards!"

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<:** I dunno… do we trust this guy?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Well… we don't have anything to lose for listening to what he has to say, so I guess?...

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **we'll hear him out, then. can we ask him if he knows why we're here?

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **the guard takes a moment to compose himself before answering, "i-i'm not sure if you know the whole tale, but if i must tell you, then i shall… many years ago, the kingdom was home to a magnificent beast; a dragon, one of the last of its kind."

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **"for a few years, we lived in peace with the dragon, with it guarding the kingdom from threats; however, one day, the people's king was succeeded by a more corrupt ruler, who captured the dragon; the king would then have people come to challenge the dragon, and fight it for his own entertainment."

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **"eventually, the dragon got sick of this treatment, and it turned on the kingdom; it was powerful, but eventually the kingdom's forces prevailed, and the dragon was taken into captivity in this very castle."

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **"keeping the dragon subdued proved to be a challenge, however; it would attempt to break free at any given possibility, which proved quite troublesome to the kingdom as time and resources were wasted in keeping it contained."

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **"killing it was not an option; attempts were made, but it simply proved too challenging, and keeping it captive was hard enough as was."

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **"the king came to a grim solution; he would simply have to appease the dragon by meeting its' demands. he sent men to collect civilians from the furthers corners of the land, from other countries, even, to be sacrificed and fed to the dragon, all to keep it subdued."

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **"however, the king was in need of a new form of entertainment, having lost his old one. and so, he rigged the castle with traps and puzzles for the civilians to complete before they were killed by the dragon, all with the promise of false freedom… a-ah, but i'm sure you know that much already. you still have that letter, no?"

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **yeah sylvain

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **you wanna tell him about the letter

**haha just kidding… unless?: **MY BAD

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **he seems shocked that you don't have the letter, "to make it this far without it… i-i must say, i'm impressed! perhaps this group could truly be… sorry, i-ignore me, i got ahead of myself."

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **WAIT WHAT WAS HE GOING TO SAY

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **LET THE MAN SPEAK

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i prompt the guard to continue his line of thought.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **"ah, it was just a silly thought, but i was going to say… perhaps your group could be the one to finally slay the dragon and free us all from its wrath, once and for all."

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **so let me get this straight

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **the kingdom HAD a cool dragon but then made a show of fighting it for clout

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **then the dragon got PISSED and decided to fuck the kingdom up

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **then it got trapped in a goddamn castle and the king kept it peaceful by capturing innocent civilians and giving them to the dragon to eat

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **and now they want us to KILL THE FUCKING DRAGON??

**haha just kidding... unless?: **honestly i feel bad for the dragon he doesnt deserve this

**Marianne: **y,, yeah mme too ;;

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i presume that killing the dragon is the only way for us to get out of this alive. i think we should go ahead with it.

**creeper: **I agree.

**sexy uwu: **ok bootlicker

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **ok bootlicker

**sexy owo: **ok bootlicker

**haha just kidding… unless?: **ok bootlicker

**sleepy bitch disease: **ok bootlicker

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **ok bootlicker

**deathknightdestroyer69: **ok bootlicker

  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 12:13 AM ]**

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **the guard leads you all down and through many staircases and halls, some of which you had already passed, others which you had not. finally, your group arrives at a large, wooden door; the guard hands your group a pair of keys, gestures to the door, and then promptly flees the scene.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **remind me again why we agreed to kill the dragon

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i won the rock paper scissors game that we used to decide, that's why.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, dear… I truly wish there was a peaceful solution to this...

**haha just kidding… unless?: **dont worry, i have a plan ;))

**so basically, im babey: **oh nooo

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years:** you unlock the door and enter the dragon's chambers. the dragon is towards the back of the large room, seemingly relaxed, only one eye open. it regards your group with something similar to amusement, entirely unworried by your presence. it seems you have a moment to act before it does. what do you do?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i roll to seduce the dragon

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **of course you do.

**sexy owo: **LEGEND

**girljs: **oh my god

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **GET IN THERE SYLVAIN

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **uum 

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **a,, are you sure ??

**haha just kidding… unless?: **yes

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **would it kill you to take this game seriously for one second

**haha just kidding… unless?: **absolutely

**haha just kidding… unless?: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled 20!

**girljs: **,

**haha just kidding… unless?: **yES

**creeper: **For fuck's sake.

**sexy owo: **oh my god

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **uum

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **roll again

**haha just kidding… unless?: **,

**haha just kidding… unless?: **ITS OKAY I GOT THIS

**haha just kidding… unless?: **!roll 1d20

**Dice Bot: **You rolled 20!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **i

**girljs: **H

**emotional support twink: **are you kidding me.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, wow!

**haha just kidding… unless?: **OH MY GODNHDGFHJSD YESS

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **HOLY SHITTTT

**deathknightdestroyer: **what are the odds...

**extra cheesy: **oh my god

**sexy owo: **IM IN TEARSSSSS

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **sso you um

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **yyou really wwant to seduce it sylvain ??

**haha just kidding… unless?: **absolutely

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **um.. alright! i can… i can work with this

**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 12:51 AM ] **

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **it's been five years since you all faced off against the dragon. after taking him down with your rather… unconvential methods, you all went your seperate ways. however, you find yourself all reuniting for a special event...

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **...chad and the dragon king's wedding.

**girljs: **im gonna CRY

**sexy owo: **I WISH THEM NOTHING BUT THE BEST

**haha just kidding... unless?: **I FINALLY SCORED

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **the venue is nothing short of beautiful; the two are married in front of the castle, a tribute to where they first met.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **the two grooms enter, hand in hand, and make their way down the isle as you all cheer them onwards.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **or um. i guess hand in claw?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **@ felix this could be us but u playin

**girljs: **hHAHBSDGDHHDSG

**sexy owo: **THE MADMAN FUCKING SAID IT

**emotional support twink: **what the fuck are you talking about.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **NOTHING

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **how is felix THIS dense

**sexy uwu: **damn and i thought claude was a dumbass for not seeing dimitris obvious pining :/

**sexy owo: **L OOK

**extra cheesy: **hey, i was subtle

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **you really weren't, but it's okay.

**emotional support twink: **can all of you shut the fuck up.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **YEAH GUYS BE QUIET WE HAVE A WEDDING TO WATCH

**deathknightdestroyer: **I cant believe THIS is how the dnd game is ending

**girljs: **I WOULDNT HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY

**Marianne: **i,, im happy for them !!

**spill the tea kween is online.**

**spill the tea kween: **You're all still awake? It's been quite a while since you began playing.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **PROFESSOR CAN I HAVE YOUR BLESSING

**spill the tea kween: **Why do you need my blessing?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **I'M GETTING MARRIED

**spill the tea kween: **To Felix? About time.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **,

**extra cheesy: **,

**sexy uwu: **jHSDJKADUFSDI

**girljs: **HOLY SHITHNSGDHJGSDF

**haha just kidding… unless?: **H

**haha just kidding… unless?: **NO NOT TO FELIX

**sexy owo: **HQHDSBGASDFSDYIUAS IM CRYIGN

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **PROFESSOR BYLETH KNOWS WHATS UP

**emotional support twink: **fucking hell.

**spill the tea kween: **:)

**spill the tea kween: **Now, for real, all of you go to sleep. I don't want you being tired for tomorrow's class.

**spill the tea kween: **Good night.

**spill the tea kween is offline.**

**haha just kidding… unless?: **but how can i sleep after the professor brutally exposed me on main like that

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **im sure youll manage

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **uum i guess thats a good place to end things !!! ii i rreally hhop e you guys had fun ??

**girljs: **IT WAS GREAT BERN U DID GREAT

**Jared, 19: **I enjoyed it greatly!

**so basically, im babey: **WE HAD TONS OF FUN!!!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **Thank you very much for hosting for us, Bernadetta. You did a fantastic job.

**sexy owo: **IT WAS RAD BERNADETTA THANKS FOR DM'ING

**extra cheesy: **yes, thank you! i loved it!

**haha just kidding… unless?: **THANKS BERNADETTA!!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **AAH YOU GGUYS

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **tthank you i

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **iim really rreally happy you enjoyed it !!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY THIS UPDATE TOOK SO LONG... i dont have any excuse other than my priorities are wack and ive been lazy USFHSDFGHDF also im sorry for the poorly thought out dnd plot, i just made it up as i went along so if you ever found yourself thinking "what is happening, this makes no sense", youre probably right JHSFGHJDFGDSF
> 
> https://twitter.com/springbutbetter as always!! twitter promo!! come say hi!!
> 
> speaking of twitter!!!! cilantro is the clromitru clan's (@cupidscaf @sylvrnz @mirroredpixiwi @dimiclaudes @owoaina @ruahstuff is everyone's twitters!!) claumitri fankid and we stan cilantro in this house!!! if anyone wants to hear more about him PLEASE ask and i'll drop some links. i love cilantro okay hes our golden boy
> 
> next time: dorotheas party finally happens!!! hopefully i write the chapter quickly and we can have a halloween chapter afterwards :0


	11. the scrub himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **girljs:** yup!! we're gonna start with our battle of the bands!!! i figured our lovely singing voices will be better when we're not drunk or passed out
> 
> **i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨:** i dunno, i've heard some people's singing that can't get much worse than it already is
> 
> **girljs:** that is NOT the spirit my dear ingrid and we will not be hating on anyones singing tonight!!
> 
> **i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨:** unless its sylvain, right?
> 
> **girljs:** oh absolutely he's fair game

**[ keeping up with the eisners - 6:33 PM ]**

**spill the tea kween: **I just wanted to let you two know that my students are having a party tomorrow night. If they get too loud, please do not hesitate to send a noise complaint my way, and I will talk to them in the morning.

**Nothing to report!: **Thank you for the heads up, sweetheart! Do you know why they're throwing a party? Is it a special occasion?

**spill the tea kween: **I'm not 100% sure why, though I must say I do have something of a guess.

**spill the tea kween: **...and I see about 50 different ways everything could go horribly wrong, but for the time-being, I'll put some faith in them and let then do whatever they want.

**litle creacher: **Oh… I suppose I'm not allowed to go to this party, am I?

**spill the tea kween: **Were your brother to find out, Flayn, I'm sure I would lose both my job and my head.

**litle creacher: **That's alright! I don't mind! I will just stay in my room instead...

**spill the tea kween: **Ah.

**spill the tea kween: **Why don't the three of us find something to do together instead?

**spill the tea kween: **It can be a party of our own.

**Nothing to report!: **I'd love to!

**litle creacher: **Oh, that sounds like a lovely idea! Thank you so much, Professor! What shall we do?

**spill the tea kween: **What are your brother's thoughts on McDonald's, Flayn?

**litle creacher: **He says it's an awful, unhealthy, sad excuse for fast food and that I am to never step within 10 metres of a McDonald's location, ever.

**spill the tea kween: **And how do you feel about lying to your brother in regards to your whereabouts?

**litle creacher: **I'm okay with that!

**spill the tea kween: **McDonald's it is. I'll buy you a Happy Meal.

**litle creacher: **Thank you so much, Professor! I'm looking forwards to it!

**Nothing to report!: **McDonald's sounds great! Can I have a Happy Meal too?

**spill the tea kween: **Of course, honey. We can all have Happy Meals.

**Nothing to report!: **I can't wait! :D

**litle creacher: **Oh, me too! This is going to be so much fun!

  
  
  


**[ help - 3:38 AM ]**

**sexy uwu: **you know tha

**sexy uwu: **that one vine where itss like

**sexy uwu: **i want a church girl who go to chuuurch 🎵 and read her bibble 🎵

**sexy uwu: **tHATss me @ marianne but r

**sexy uwu: **replace church girlw ith horse girl

**sexy uwu: **i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 7:12 AM ]**

**sexy owo has changed Marianne's nickname to i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵.**

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **u um

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **ppardo n?? ;;

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **ddid i do something wwrong w,, why is my name this s orry;;

**sexy owo: **you did nothing wrong marianne! a certain bisexual just happens to say dumb shit at 3am and were in need of a nickname change

**sexy uwu is online.**

**sexy uwu: **a certain bisexual is boutta murder a second, less sexy bisexual

**girljs: **me, right before i murder sylvain

**haha just kidding… unless?: **LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS

**sexy owo: **SDFNHFGFDSHJDFS

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, good morning everyone! We're up early again, I see. I hope you're all doing well!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **mercedes did it hurt when you fell from heaven

**haha just kidding... unless?: **ingrid that sounds like one of my pickup lines

**haha just kidding... unless?: **in fact i have used that exact line before

**haha just kidding... unless?: **multiple times

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **one, WEIRD flex but okay

**haha just kidding... unless?: **;)

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **two, i wasn't flirting, i was just telling her she's an angel

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Aw, thank you Ingrid!

**sexy uwu: **so how many times has using that line worked out for you sylvain

**haha just kidding... unless?: **zero

**haha just kidding... unless?:** but we can change that right now ;)))

**extra cheesy: **i don't like the sound of that.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **What do you mean, Sylvain?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **oh god whatever you're gonna do don't do it

**haha just kidding... unless?: **watch and learn simpletons ;)))

**haha just kidding... unless?: **@emotional support twink did it hurt when you fell from heaven

**emotional support twink: **die.

**sexy owo: **JHSFGJHSDFGJGD

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **He really went for it huh

**haha just kidding... unless?: **DAMN RLLY THOUGHT I HAD THAT ONE…

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **god fucking damn it

**girljs: **can we get an f for sylvain

**emotional support twink:** no.

**girljs: **ANYONE ELSE WANNA GIVE US AN F FOR SYLVAIN

**deathknightdestroyer69: **F

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **f.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **f

**oovoo javer: **f!!

**sexy uwu: **f

**haha just kidding... unless?: **I DONT WANT YOUR FS JUST LET ME PERISH IN PEACE

**girljs: **fine have it ur way :/

**girljs: **ANYWAYS while we're all here

**girljs: **just reminding u guys party starts @ 7pm tonight!! usually itd be later but i wouldnt want to keep people up past their bedtime

**sexy owo: **she means you, lysithea

**deathknightdestroyer69: **I'm going to fucking murder you claude

**sexy owo: **i cant wait

**girljs: **anyways im gonna go through some rules real quick!!! just for everyones safety!!!!

**girljs: **1\. try not to get too drunk because if you do then im probably going to be held responsible

**girljs: **2\. if you HAVE to throw up, do it on sylvain

**haha just kidding… unless?: **wait what

**girljs: **3\. behave urselves because if anyone does something stupid then we're ALL in trouble!! especially me!!!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **isn't that basically the exact same as rule 1

**girljs: **ammendment to rule 2: if you HAVE to throw up, do it on sylvain OR ferdie

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **,

**sexy uwu: **i like these rules

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **yeah me too

**extra cheesy: **i'd hope no one plans on getting too drunk! we all have to be responsible, right?

**extra cheesy: **i'd hate to harm the school's reputation due to someone doing something stupid while drunk…

**creeper: **Yes, it would truly be such a pity if the school's reputation were to suffer. Whatever would we do.

**extra cheesy: **um. what?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **hubert can you be normal for like one second

**creeper: **No.

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **aah hhey i

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **i dont want to be rrude but um… do we have to come ?

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **parties.. arent really my think and um i wouldnt want to rruin the mood

**girljs: **you dont have to come if you dont want to marianne!! but we'd all love it if you were there 💖

**sexy owo: **a certain bisexual would definitely love it if you were there :)

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **uh,, what ??

**sexy uwu: **claude i swear to FUCK

**sexy uwu: **but dw mari!! you can just stick with me @ the party and we can hang out 💖 ill look after you!!

**sexy owo: **smooth

**sexy uwu: **CLAUDE I SWEAR TO FUCK

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **oh um,, thank you very much hilda i

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **you rreally dont have to go to such llengths for me but i would like that

**sexy owo: **ugh cant believe my daughter just got a date to prom… they grow up so fast…

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **p,, pardon ;;

**sexy uwu: **claude i despise you

  
  
  


**[ DM: haha just kidding… unless? -> emotional support twink - 11:32 AM ]**

**haha just kidding... unless?: **heyyyy felix

**haha just kidding... unless?: **so about that party

**emotional support twink: **no.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **what why not :(

**emotional support twink: **i'm busy.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **doing what??

**emotional support twink: **teaching cat how to use a sword.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **felix, one youre a terrible liar

**haha just kidding... unless?: **two, i refuse to let you teach our daughter how to use a sword

**emotional support twink: **one, not lying, she's a talent swordswoman and i'm sure she'd kick your ass in a duel without even trying.

**emotional support twink: **two, fuck you, she's not our daughter, she's mine.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **OUCH

**haha just kidding... unless?: **FELIX DID YOU JUST LEAVE ME AND TAKE THE KIDS

**emotional support twink: **yes. now shut up, i'm not going to the party.

  
  
  


**[ DM: haha just kidding… unless? -> so basically, im babey - 11:40 AM ]**

**haha just kidding... unless?: **hey annette my great friend who i am very close with

**so basically, im babey: **ohh that doesnt sound good

**haha just kidding... unless?: **whaaaaaat haha what do you mean

**haha just kidding... unless?: **its just me, your pal sylvain, here to ask a favor

**so basically, im babey: **oh boyyy

**haha just kidding... unless?: **haha okay so my other good pal felix doesnt want to come to a certain party

**haha just kidding... unless?: **but felix's good pal, sylvain, would really like it if he were there

**haha just kidding... unless?: **the problem is my good pal felix doesnt listen to his good pal sylain

**haha just kidding... unless?: **or ingrid

**haha just kidding... unless?: **or dimitri

**haha just kidding... unless?: **or dedue

**haha just kidding... unless?: **or even mercedes

**haha just kidding... unless?: **he sometimes listens to ashe so ashe is my plan B if you say no

**haha just kidding... unless?: **but you get my point

**so basically, im babey: **soooooo you want me to try and convince felix to go to the party???

**haha just kidding... unless?: **haha yes

**so basically, im babey: **aaand if i say no youll go bother ashe about it??

**haha just kidding... unless?: **im glad you understand

**so basically, im babey: **welllLLllllLLLLlll

**so basically, im babey: **ill do it if you PROMISE not to do anything dumb

**haha just kidding... unless?: **wait do you mean not do anything dumb at the party or not do anything dumb ever again

**so basically, im babey: **saying ever again is too much to ask isnt it :p

**haha just kidding... unless?: **absolutely

**so basically, im babey: **ok then just dont do anything stupid at the party

**haha just kidding... unless?: **you got it buddy! your good pal sylvain will not be a clown at the party :)

**so basically, im babey: **good to hear!!! ill go talk to felix in a sec

**haha just kidding... unless?: **how do you get felix to listen to you anyways??

**so basically, im babey: **im nice to him thats how!!! c:

  
  
  


**[ DM: so basically, im babey -> emotional support twink - 11:46 AM ]**

**so basically, im babey: **heyyyy felix!!!!

**so basically, im babey: **go to the party or die

**emotional support twink: **fine.

  
  
  


**[ DM: so basically, im babey -> haha just kidding… unless? - 11:47 AM ]**

**so basically, im babey: **oki doki i got him to agree to go!!!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **wait rlly

**haha just kidding... unless?: **wow that was fast

**so basically, im babey: **i have my ways :p

**haha just kidding... unless?: **thanks annette i owe u one

**so basically, im babey: **no problem!! dont do anything stupid at the party sylvain c:

  
  
  


**[ the pokemon go teams except sexier - 2:21 PM ]**

**sexy owo: **hello my fellow sexy house leaders

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **you sound like you're in a good mood.

**sexy owo: **just super hyped for the battle of the bands later tonight ;)

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **ah, i should have guessed.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **don't think you've won this one just yet, claude. the black eagles have been practicing intensely for our performance, and i promise you, we will not disappoint.

**sexy owo: **oh i wouldnt expect anything less ;)

**sexy owo: **but the golden deer arent backing down either! we've been working SUPER hard on our song so maybe you should back out before you embarass yourselves

**sexy owo: **✋😎🤚

**extra cheesy: **blue lions

**sexy owo: **,

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **,

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **dimitri?

**sexy owo: **dima are you alright

**extra cheesy: **sorry, i was trying to join in

**extra cheesy: **i just… couldn't think of a good comeback to either of you

**sexy owo: **thats alright i still love you

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **haha, don't worry about it, dimitri. anyways, claude, did you have something you wanted to talk to us about?

**sexy owo: **YES actually i did

**sexy owo: **i realise if this is gonna be a battle of the bands we're gonna need a judge??? and we can't get a student to do it because they might be biased

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **you… have a point there, actually. did you have anyone in mind?

**extra cheesy: **i'm sure professor byleth would do it if we asked?

**sexy owo: **absolute genius i'll go ask her right now

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy owo -> spill the tea kween - 2:25 PM ]**

**sexy owo: **hello professor its your favorite student here to put the favor in favorite

**spill the tea kween: **Don't you remember? I said before that Flayn is my favorite student.

**sexy owo: **i did NOT come here to be insulted like this

**spill the tea kween: **Haha, sorry Claude. I highly doubt I'll be able to help with it, but what favor did you want to ask?

**sexy owo: **okay so we need someone to judge our battle of the bands at dorothea's party tonight

**spill the tea kween: **Sorry, can't help you with that. I'm going to McDonald's with my boyfriend and Flayn.

**sexy owo: **AW thats sweet

**spill the tea kween: **You're not even going to try and argue?

**sexy owo: **no i respect that, get those happy meals sis

**sexy owo: **also i gotta warn you if you want to go on the playground it is VERY easy to get stuck in. i know from experience

**spill the tea kween: **I'll keep that in mind.

**spill the tea kween: **Sorry that I can't help you guys with your 'battle of the bands'… but I do have someone else in mind that could possibly help you. Do you want me to ask them?

**sexy owo: **i

**sexy owo: **i feel like youre being very vague on purpose and that is intimidating

**sexy owo: **BUUUUT we do need a judge so we'll take whoever you throw at us

**spill the tea kween: **Excellent. I'll go ask them right now.

**sexy owo: **THANKS TEACH UR A REAL ONE

  
  
  


**[ DM: spill the tea kween -> "seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous - 2:30 PM ]**

**spill the tea kween: **Hello, Seteth. 

**spill the tea kween: **Remember when you said, and I quote: "Thank you, Byleth, for pulling Flayn out of the fishing pond when she was drowning. I am forever in your debt. If you ever have any favor you need from me, please, do not hesitate to ask"?

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **I do remember when I sad that, yes.

**spill the tea kween: **Well… I have something to ask of you.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Then please, ask away. As I said, I am in your debt. Any favor you want, it will be done.

**spill the tea kween: **Fantastic.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **But first, I must ask… do you know why my username keeps changing to this? I cannot for the life of me figure out how to fix it! And who is behind this "seteth is a SCRUB" quote, anyways? It just says "anonymous"! I don't know anyone who would say that!

**spill the tea kween: **I have absolutely no idea who said that, or how your name keeps changing. It is a mystery, my friend.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **I suppose it is. Anyways, what favor did you want to ask of me?

**spill the tea kween: **Well, you see...

  
  
  


**[ the pokemon go teams except sexier - 2:45 PM ]**

**sexy owo: **WELL… the professor is busy tonight

**sexy owo: **buuuuuut ;)

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **but?

**extra cheesy: **what is it?

**sexy owo: **she got a certain scrubby someone to be the judge for us ;)))

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **oh my god.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **she didn't.

**sexy owo: **SHE DID

**extra cheesy: **what? what did she do??

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i can't believe this. the others are going to be besides themselves.

**sexy owo: **IM ALREADY BESIDE MYSELF 

**sexy owo: **I CANT BELIEVE THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND HIMSELF IS OUR JUDGE

**extra cheesy: **who?? who is our judge???

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **seteth, dimitri. 

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **byleth got seteth to judge for us.

**extra cheesy: **oh

**extra cheesy: **OH

**sexy owo: **if you mean "oh" as in "oh HELL YEAH" then i COMPLETELY agree. this is fantastic

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **"oh hell yeah" indeed. i'm sure everyone will be quite entertained by this arrangement.

**extra cheesy: **i'm sure they will be too! haha i'm just glad we got someone to judge for us

**extra cheesy: **i really am looking forwards to tonight. i hope it goes well- and no matter who wins the battle of the bands, i just hope everyone enjoys themselves :)

**sexy owo: **this just in: my boyfriend a fuckign ray of sunshine

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **aw, dimitri… the black eagles are still gonna kick your ass, but i hope you have fun too :)

**sexy owo: **what about me huh edelgard :((

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **haha, you too, claude. let's make this party a great time for everyone involved.

**extra cheesy: **agreed!

**sexy owo: **HELL YEAH THATS WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 3:02 PM ]**

**girljs: **FOUR HOURS YALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 4:00 PM ]**

**girljs: **THREE HOURS BABEY

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 5:01 PM ]**

**girljs: **TWO HOURS GAMERS AND GAYDIES I HOPE YOURE READY

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 6:00 PM ]**

**girljs: **ONE!!!! HOUR!!!!!!!!!

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 7:00 PM ]**

**girljs: **ITS FUCKIGN TIME!!!!!!!

**sexy uwu: **LETS GOOO

**haha just kidding… unless?: **IM SO READY

**so basically, im babey: **we're meeting at the entrance hall, right?? :o

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **yes, please gather at the entrance hall, everyone. 

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I believe most of us are already here!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **dorothea, did you have any plans for how this is going to start?

**girljs: **yup!! we're gonna start with our battle of the bands!!! i figured our lovely singing voices will be better when we're not drunk or passed out

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i dunno, i've heard some people's singing that can't get much worse than it already is

**girljs: **that is NOT the spirit my dear ingrid and we will not be hating on anyones singing tonight!!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **unless its sylvain, right?

**girljs: **oh absolutely he's fair game

**haha just kidding… unless?: **hEY

**so basically, im babey: **wwwwww im so excited!!! whos gonna go firsttt :o

**sexy owo: **dibs going not first

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **what? shouldn't you go first, since this was your idea in the first place?

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **uum,, sshouldnt we just get it over and ddone wwith ;;; iidont mind going first

**sexy uwu: **nooo mari!!! if we go first we'll be at a disadvantage because we wont know what we're up against!

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **ooh um,, aalright i see !!

**sexy owo: **EXACTLY what hilda said, thats why we shouldnt go first ;)) besides edel you were pretty confident earlier, so why dont you guys go first?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **why would i want my team to have the disadvantage?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, please don't fight! It doesn't make much of a difference anyways, so why don't the Blue Lions perform first? We don't mind!

**extra cheesy: **exactly! we'll go first, alright?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **that works for me. thank you for offering, dimitri.

**sexy owo: **dima u legend… making such a sacrifice…

**extra cheesy: **haha, i wouldn't call it a sacrifice. i don't see anything wrong with going first!

**extra cheesy: **so, anyways… should we go get set up?

**girljs: **mmhmm!!! are you guys using any instruments??

**extra cheesy: **oh, only the piano. i'll go collect it right now and bring it to the entrance hall.

**extra cheesy is offline.**

**sexy owo: **wait how is he

**sexy owo: **how is he collecting this piano

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **He's carrying it, I believe?

**sexy owo: **hes what now

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Carrying it?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **is this like a

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **plastic piano or is it a PIANO piano

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **do you mean grand piano?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **GRAND PIANO thats the bitch

**deathknightdestroyer69: **of course it's one of those plastic keyboards. there's no way someone could carry a grand piano on their own, obviously.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **no, it is indeed a grand piano. dimitri is… really, really strong.

**deathknightdestroyer69: **wait what

**sleepy bitch disease: **wow, alright

**sexy owo: **so let me get this straight

**sexy owo: **he is carrying a grand piano

**sexy owo: **with his arms

**sexy owo: **all by himself

**haha just kidding... unless?: **well yeah of course he's using his arms what else would he carry it with

**sexy owo: **THAT WASNT THE POINT

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **yes, claude, that's what's happening. he's carrying the piano with his arms all by himself

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: **I offered to help. But he said he was fine on his own.

**sexy owo: **Okay That's Kinda Hot But I'm Also Worried He's Gonna Break His Arms

**haha just kidding… unless?: **mood

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Believe me, Claude, you have nothing to worry about! If it were dangerous we wouldn't let him do it.

**sexy owo: **interesting proposal heres my counter offer: im gonna go help him

**sexy owo: **hilda, would my lovely twin like to accompany me in helping dima lift this piano

**sexy uwu: **claude i am a noodle i cant lift shit

**sexy owo: **EXCUSE ME you are fucking ripped

**sexy owo: **hilda you could benchpress RAPHAEL

**Moto Moto: **Its true! Shes done it before :)

**sexy owo: **do not give me this "i am a noddle" nonsense. do NOT lie to me hilda i am ur TWIN

**sexy uwu: **DONT EXPOSE ME LIKE THIS IF EVERYONE KNOWS IM STRONG THEN MY ~UWU DELICATE FLOWER~ EXCUSE WONT WORK ANYMORE

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **what do you mean, 'excuse'? i did your fighting in our training sessions because you told me you were a fragile young lady! was that a lie?!

**sexy uwu: **look at what youve done claude

**sexy uwu: **youve EXPOSED me

**sexy owo: **JHFGDKJASD IM SORRY

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **You called yourself a "fragile young lady"? and he fell for it?

**sexy uwu: **haha yes

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Nice

**sexy owo: **HILDAS BEEFY ARMS ASIDE ARE WE GONNA GO HELP DIMA WITH THAT PIANO OR NOT

**sexy uwu: **HSFGJSD SORRY YES IM COMING

**extra cheesy is online.**

**extra cheesy: **i'm back with the piano! i hope you guys weren't waiting too long?

**sexy owo: **,

**sexy owo: **or i guess that works t oo

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **we told you so.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Dimitri's strength really is impressive!

**sexy owo: **concern.png……………..

**emotional support twink: **can we hurry up and get this stupid performance over with? i'm sick of waiting.

**girljs: **yes!! go ahead whenever yall are ready

**extra cheesy: **right! let's get started then?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **LETS SMASH THIS

**so basically, im babey: **lets go!!!!!!!!!!

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 7:16 PM ]**

**sexy owo: **I AM IN AWE

**sleepy bitch disease: **well shit after that performance we're really fucked

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **be quiet, linhardt. we still have a chance.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **but of course, i must admit, you guys' performance was very nice.

**Jared, 19: **That music was amazing! Dimitri, you are very talented at playing the piano.

**sexy owo: **AMAZINFG,.... STUNNING….. SPECTACULAR….

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **tthat really wwwas lovely you guys !!!! ;;; tthe rest of you have lovely singing vvoices too i liked it alot

**so basically, im babey: **waaa thank you guys!!!! we're glad you liked it!!!!

**extra cheesy: **you guys are too kind, really…

**girljs: **THAT WAS SO GOOD YOU GUYS!!!!

**oovoo javer: **it was mostly dimitri's piano playing, he deserves all the praise! the rest of us just sang haha

**sexy owo: **YOU ALL DID GREAT

**sexy owo: **BUT ESPECIALLY DIMITRIS AMAZING PIANO PLAYING IM STILL IN AWE!!!!!

**emotional support twink: **thank fuck it's over.

**girljs: **okay so lets move on before felix ruins the moment any further

**sexy owo: **agreed

**sexy owo: **golden deer i think its our time to shine ;)))

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **if we must…

**Moto Moto: **LETS GO GOLDEN DEER

**sexy uwu: **claude would you do the honors of introducing our band? ;))

**sexy owo: **of course ;))

**sexy owo: **SO not to flex or anything but

**sexy uwu: **no no we're ABSOLUTELY flexing 

**sexy owo: **U RIGHT MY BAD

**sexy owo: **GET READY FOR THE GREATEST MUSICAL EXPERIENCE OF YOUR ENTIRE LIVES

**sexy owo: **aside from my boyfriends amazing, stunning, talented, fantastic, spectacular piano playing that was sexy as fuck

**sexy uwu: **CLAUDE DONT COMPLIMENT THE OTHER TEAM

**sexy owo: **IM SORRY

**sexy uwu: **ur so bad at this can i do the speech instead

**sexy owo: **please go ahead

**sexy uwu: **thank you

**sexy uwu: **GET READY FOR THE SEXIEST PERFORMANCE OF UR LIVES

**sexy uwu: **BROUGHT TO U BY THE GOLDEN DEER, THE SEXIEST HOUSE

**haha just kidding… unless?: **hey

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **case in point

**haha just kidding… unless?: **HEY

**sexy uwu: **WITH MUCH PRIDE AND SEXINESS, I PRESENT TO YOU ALL...

**sexy uwu: **"✋😎🤚 we are the coolest and sexiest house and the other houses are filled with (seteth's) scrubs ALSO why the fuck are the black eagles called black eagles when their theme colours is CLEARLY red? shows how unsexy they are ✋😎🤚" 

**sexy uwu: **by ✋😎🤚 claude and hilda and dorte and the BEEFY LADS ✋😎🤚

**girljs: **i

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **pardon.

**emotional support twink: **what the fuck.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **come again?

**sexy owo: **its our song title

**deathknightdestroyer69: **claude and hilda came up with it and we were all too tired to resist

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **is "✋😎🤚 claude and hilda and dorte and the BEEFY LADS ✋😎🤚" part of the song title

**sexy uwu: **no thats our band name

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A BAND NAME???

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **OH MY GOD

**creeper: **We don't need a band name.

**girljs: **can we be the ferdinand von aegirs

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **why is it ALWAYS me

**girljs: **bullying u just comes so naturally to me, my dear ferdie

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **sure. we can be the ferdinand von aegirs.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **of course

**sexy uwu: **sorry to interrupt but this is NOT about ur unsexy house or ur unsexy band name

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **hey our band name is sexy

**girljs: **its…………. kinda not

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **dorothea PLEASE we are on the same team so just let me breathe for one second

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **i'm inclined to agree with hilda. can we get our song over and done with so i don't have to embarass myself for longer than necessary?

**sleepy bitch disease: **did you guys write your own song

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: **um… I guess you could say that haha

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **It's less a song and more of just… well, youll see

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i dont like the sound of that

**sexy owo: **TAKE IT AWAY GOLDEN DEER

**sexy uwu: **HERE WE GO!!!!!

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 7:28 PM ]**

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i cant fucking believe you guys

**oovoo javer: **was that

**oovoo javer: **was that.. a diss track

**Jared, 19: **Um… I believe I do not have familiarity with this type of music.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **i cant believe you guys wrote an ENTIRE diss track on BOTH the houses

**sleepy bitch disease: **im impressed

**sexy owo: **THANK YOU ADORING FANS

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **uum,,, i rreally hhope we didnt actually offend anyone wwe were just jjoking around ;;;;

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Don't worry, Marianne! No one's offended, I'm sure.

**extra cheesy: **the multiple verses you wrote about my hair were pretty… um. enlightening, we'll say. but i'm not offended! it was funny!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **how many times did you call me a thot in that

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **17

**haha just kidding... unless?: **amazing

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **remind me again what you referred to me as?

**sexy owo: **hot topic midget goth with ratphobia

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **that… sure is one way you could describe me.

**creeper: **Lady Edelgard, if you are offended, I will not hesitate to… deal with these blasphemers.

**deathknightdestroyer69: **lmao "blasphemers"

**sleepy bitch disease: **youve heard of simpletons now get ready for blasphemers

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **WE'VE EVOLVED

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **one, hubert, please do not threaten murder in the group chat.

**sexy uwu: **,

**sexy owo: **,

**sexy owo: **im sorry he was threatening what now

**creeper: **You heard her.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **two, i believe you have more reason to be offended than i do, considering you were called a… 'dirty little rat boy'.

**girljs: **JSDFHJSDGHJD HE RLLY IS A DIRTY LITTLE RAT BOY

**sexy owo: **WE STAND BY WHAT WE SAID

**creeper: **I am not offended.

**sexy uwu: **he EMBRACES being a dirty little rat boy

**girljs: **he may be a dirty little rat boy… but hes OUR dirty little rat boy

**creeper: **I don't belong to you.

**girljs: **alrighty bitch youre on your own!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **so much for "our dirty little rat boy"

**Jared, 19: **He will be coming around, I'm sure!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i'm sure he will, too. anyways, it's our turn to perform now, correct?

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Yeah it is but good luck beating our song

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **you both set a high standard, but i think we've got this one in the bag. dorothea, would you introduce us?

**girljs: **ofc edie 💖

**girljs: **GOOD EVENING GAMERS AND GAYDIES TONIGHT WE, THE FERDINAND VON AEGIRS, WILL BRING TO YOU A ONCE IN A LIFETIME PERFORMANCE

**girljs: **WE ARE PERFORMING NONE OTHER THAN "YOU BELONG WITH ME" BY TAYLOR SWIFT HERSELF!!!!

**sexy uwu: **hell YEAH thats what i call good taste

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **nice

**girljs: **WITHOUT FURTHER ADO……… LETS GO!!!!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **HELL YEAHHH LETS GO

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **LETS GO

**Jared, 19: **LET'S GO!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **LLETS GO !

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 7:38 PM ]**

**sexy owo: **this? this is beautiful

**sexy uwu: **HELL YEAH YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Great job, you guys!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i can't believe hubert SANG

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **yeah me neither

**so basically, im babey: **maybe its because hes a massive swiftie!!!!

**creeper: **Believe what you will. But I'm not a swiftie.

**girljs: **GREAT JOB EVERYONE WE DID SO GOOD

**Jared, 19: **Indeed, we did!

**sleepy bitch disease: **im just glad its over goonighhtjf dgf j

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **,

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **He fell asleep didn't he?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **yuuup he sure did

**creeper: **Of course he did.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **...at least it wasn't during the performance.

**girljs: **just put him in the corner of the room i'm sure he'll be fine

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **u um dorothea i justwanted to say

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **i h ad a lot of fun performing with you guys!!! thatsall

**girljs: **WE HAD LOTS OF FUN PERFORMING WITH YOU TOO BERN!!!

**Jared, 19: **Yes! You made our team into one piece, Bernadetta!

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **pardon, ??

**girljs: **she means you made our team whole!!

**Jared, 19: **Ah, yes! That is what I was meaning.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **oooh!! tthank youpetra!!!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **indeed! the ferdinand von aegirs would not be complete without bernadetta

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **youre one of us bernadetta!! black eagles for LIFE

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **agreed.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **now, claude, dimitri, is it time?

**oovoo javer: **time for what??

**extra cheesy: **yes, i believe it is…

**haha just kidding... unless?: **WH…. WHATS IT TIME FOR

**sexy owo: **indeed………. it is time :)

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: **what are you guys talking about??

**deathknightdestroyer69: **could you three stop being cryptic? please?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe:** well, take it away, claude.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **i'm?? so confused?? what is happening

**sexy owo: **it's time

**sexy owo: **to bring in our judge

**haha just kidding… unless?: **wait what do you mean bring in our judge

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **we have a judge????

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **It makes sense that we'd have a judge, I guess? We need someone to decide the winner, after all.

**extra cheesy: **it's time..

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **here it comes.

**girljs: **,

**girljs: **OUR JUDGE???

**girljs: **HOLY SHIT DONT KEEP US WAITING I WANT TO KNOW WHO IT IS

**sexy uwu: **oh my god this BETTER be a good fuckign reveal claude mentioned it to me earlier and i have been in anticipation the WHOLE day

**sexy owo: **DO NOT FEAR

**sexy owo: **YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **hurry up with it then, claude. we are ALL waiting.

**sexy owo: **OKAY OKAY just give me a sec to be dramatic

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **CLAUDE

**sexy owo: **WHAT DID I JUST SAY

**extra cheesy: **everyone, give him a moment, yeah? i promise the reveal will not disappoint!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **OKAY OKAY JUST MAKE IT QUICK

**sexy owo: **THANK YOU

**sexy owo: **we have all heard his name before

**sexy owo: **indeed, our judge tonight is none other than

**sexy owo: **the man

**sexy owo: **the myth

**sexy owo: **the legend

**sexy owo: **the SCRUB HIMSELF

**sexy owo has added "seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous to the chat.**

**sexy owo: **welcome papa :)

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **How do you do, students?

**girljs: **OH

**girljs: **MY

**girljs: **FUCKING

**girljs: **G O D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, heres my twitter!! https://twitter.com/springbutbetter
> 
> if it wasnt obvious, 'keeping up with the eisners' is a chat with the gatekeeper, byleth, and flayn, and 'pokemon go teams except sexier' is claude, dimitri, and edelgard!! :0
> 
> anyways, i realised im gonna have to split dorotheas party into two (maybe even three) chapters,, my bad HFGJDFSGDS sorry again for slow updates!! schools been kicking my ass but i hope you guys enjoy this chapter nevertheless :') and thank you all so much for the kind comments and kudos!!! <333


	12. swag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous:** The choice of song was very original! I've never heard this piece before, but I found myself to be quite enamored by it.
> 
> **"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous:** For example, I found myself able to relate to the lyrics "she wears high heels, I wear sneakers, she's cheer captain, and I'm on the bleachers" quite strongly.

**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 7:45 PM ]**

**sexy uwu: **i cant believe this I CANT BELIEVE THIS

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **out of all the people…

**haha just kidding… unless?: **JDFSHSDJ OUT OF ALL THE PEOPLE

**sexy owo: **QUIET SIMPLETONS LET THE MAN SPEAK

**sexy uwu: **KJFDHSDFJK SORRY

**sexy owo: **TAKE IT AWAY SETETH

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Thank you.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **First of all I would like to congratulate you all on your performances. Each of them were very unique.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **you know we did bad when "unique" is the only compliment he has

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Nonsense, Mr… say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole?

**girljs: **IM

**haha just kidding... unless?: **oh my god he cant decipher our screen names

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **no one tell him

**sexy owo: **DONT BE MEAN TO HIM HES TRYING HIS BEST

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **im caspar, seteth

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Ah, I see. That makes a lot more sense. Thank you for clarifying, Caspar.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **no problem dad

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Well, I guess I'll comment on the Houses one by one! First up, the Blue Lions!

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **My, what a magnificant performance this was! I'm very impressed, and very pleased to know that we have such talented students here at Garreg Mach!

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **I must commend Dimitri in particular! Your piano performance was nothing short of amazing.

**extra cheesy: **ah… it was nothing, really, but thank you.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Though, I must comment... I did hear a very… out of place high pitched noise among the singing, though. Was I just imagining that, or did it happen?

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **yeah that was sylvain

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i went for the high note

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i did not hit it

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Oh! My apologies then, Sylvain. I hope I did not offend you.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **You know what they say: practice makes perfect! I'm sure if you put time and effort into perfecting your singing, you'll be great at it!

**girljs: **but like

**girljs: **for everyones sake

**girljs: **dont practice near us

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **thankyou for the advice seteth but i dont plan on taking up singing as a hobby anytime soon

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **thank god

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Well, then, I suppose we shall move on?

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Overall, the Blue Lions had a fantastic performance. You should all be very proud of yourselves!

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Next up- the Black Eagles!

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **I must say, the energy in your performance was outstanding! I was very impressed.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **In particular, I could see Hubert really giving his all out there! The passion he put into his singing was like nothing I've ever seen.

**girljs: **HA

**girljs: **HHAHAHSDFGSHJFSDGHDS

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **IMAGINE GETTING CALLED OUT BY SETETHSDFHGHDS

**creeper: **You must have mistaken me with someone else. I despised every minute of our performance of "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift.

**sleepy bitch disease: **why did you say the entire title

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **No, I'm quite sure it was you! I'd recognise your… rat-like(?) appearance anywhere.

**sexy owo: **HOLY SHIT

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **nbNDGFNHASDGSDFHSHDS

**haha just kidding... unless?: **HIS RAT LIKE APPEARANCE

**girljs: **HUBERT FOUND DEAD IN MIAMI

**creeper: **This conversation topic has gone on long enough. Move on.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Right, right, my apologies. Back to the performance.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **The choice of song was very original! I've never heard this piece before, but I found myself to be quite enamored by it.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **For example, I found myself able to relate to the lyrics "she wears high heels, I wear sneakers, she's cheer captain, and I'm on the bleachers" quite strongly.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **,

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **what

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **me too

**girljs: **h

**girljs: **hey seteth what the fuck does that mean

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous:** Hm?

**girljs: **SSSSETETH WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **I simply meant that I find the lyrics 'relatable'! That is a word you kids use, right?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **yes dad thats what we say these days

**girljs: **i

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **just smile and nod, dorothea

**girljs: **HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SMILE AND NOD THROUGH TEXT

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe:** 😃👍

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **like that.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **coming from edelgard those emojis feel terrifying

**girljs: **😃👍

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Oh, emoticons! I am familiar with these. Flayn has sent me a few before.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **😃👍

**sleepy bitch disease: **great, hes one of us now

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **secret sign of the golden deer WHO??? i only know 😃👍

**sexy uwu: **EXCUSE ME

**sleepy bitch disease: **😃👍

**sexy owo: **hEY SAY THAT TO MY FACE

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **😃👍

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **jealous that our emoji signs are cooler than yours, claude? 😃👍

**sexy owo: **FINE I DIDNT WANT TO DO THIS BUT YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICe

**sexy owo: **SETETH WHICH IS BETTER: ✋😎🤚 or 😃👍

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Oh? You mean which are the better emojis?

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Hm, I came here tonight to judge your MUSIC… but I guess I can decide this as well.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **That little man with two hands and the sunglasses… he has a lot of what the kids these days would call 'swag', does he not?

**girljs: **S

**girljs: **SWAG

**sexy owo: **bnHGDFHFSGDbgnfdshdfjgjgHGDHG I CANT TAKE THIS

**sexy uwu: **YEAH SETETH HE SURE DOES HAVE A LOT OF SWAGHDFGHSDFJ

**emotional support twink: **i hate this. fuck all of you. what the fuck.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **IM IN TEARS I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Oh, but that funky dude with the happy face and thumbsup sign is also pretty 'swag'! 

**girljs: **FUNKY DUDE

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **HE IS ALSO PRETTY SWAG

**haha just kidding... unless?: **IM CRYING YO I CANT BREATHE

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Am I misusing the word 'swag', somehow? I got Flayn to explain to me what it meant.

**sexy owo: **HHHSDGSHASA NO YOURE USING IT RIGHT

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Ah, I'm glad. Well, I have to say, I like both the emojis equally. They are both very… swag!

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **✋😎🤚 😃👍

**girljs: **THEY ARE BOTH VERY……. SWAG!!

**sleepy bitch disease: **and just like that world peace was achieved

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **I've just realized we've gotten quite off-topic. Shall I get back to judging the music acts, now?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **yes, go right ahead.

**sexy owo: **pplease do im gonna die from laughter if this keeps up

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Right, of course.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **The Black Eagles had a great performance overall! Pretty swag, if I do say so myself!

**sexy owo: **claude has died from laughing too hard. hisfuneral will be on saturday

**girljs: **HES RIGHT.. WE ARE PRETTY SWAG….

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **And finally, the Golden Deer.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **I must say, I have never heard such a style of music before! I was absolutely enraptured.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **I had trouble keeping up with the lyrics at some points, but nevertheless I could let myself just enjoy the music for what it was.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **I even heard my own name in there a couple of times! Unfortunately I didn't catch the lyrics that followed, but I'm sure they were as lovely as the rest of the song.

**sexy owo: **i

**sexy owo: **where are we

**sexy uwu: **just dont ruin the moment claude

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **You lot must introduce me to more music of this new genre! I would be thrilled to hear it.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **alright Seteth we can show you more diss tracks

**deathknightdestroyer69: **how did this happen

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **In fact, I enjoyed the music so much (so swag!) that… I must declare the Golden Deer the winners!

**extra cheesy: **what

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **WHAT

**sexy owo: **FUCK YEAHHHHHHHHH

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **I simply don't know how to describe it! The song was just… incredible.

**sexy owo: **this is so much praise for our diss track i dont know how to handle it

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Oh, a 'diss track'? Is that what these things are called?

**sexy owo: **ah fuck

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **I might just go and look up some more of these songs to listen to right now! Thank you for introducing me to the genre, Claude.

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous: **Well, kiddos, enjoy the rest of your night, and congratulations to the Golden Deer for winning! Stay safe, and remember: praying to Seiros is HIP and COOL! :)

**"seteth is a SCRUB" - anonymous is offline.**

**sexy owo: **PRAYING TOSEIROS IS HIP AND COOL

**girljs: **IM

**sleepy bitch disease: **you heard the man 🙏 bless up

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Amen!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **so, are we going to just… leave seteth in this chat?

**sexy owo: **yes we are he is the only valid bitch in this house

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **i am also valid.

**sexy owo: **you are most certainly not

**sleepy bitch disease: **seteth probably doesnt even know how to check the chatroom anyways

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **haha yeah cos he's a boomer

**sexy owo: **DONT INSULT HIM

**sexy uwu: **HE LITERALLY IS THOUGH

**sexy owo: **HE!!! IS!!!! NOT!!!!!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **is

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **is byleth a boomer?

**sexy owo: **,

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **what the fuck.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **homygod I WHEEZED

**girljs: **HNFDGSDJH FERDIE NOO SHES NOT

**extra cheesy: **um, i feel like i'm going to be laughed at for asking this, but what exactly is a boomer?

**dedue??? isnt that a type of tree???: **I believe it's just a term to refer to elderly adults.

**extra cheesy: **oh! got it thank you :)

**extra cheesy: **...how could you think byleth was a boomer, then?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **wwell i mean she is older than us

**haha just kidding... unless?: **bby like three years

**deathknightdestroyer69: **now that I think about it, do we even know the professor's exact age?

**sexy uwu: **i have no idea but i dont know shit so that doesnt say a lot

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: **hm… she is quite young to be a professor here, isn't she?

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **I asked jeraldt how old he was once, and he said he didn't know… how weird is that?

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **no one was talking about jeraldt, leonie.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Okay foot fetish man?

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **I DO NOT HAVE A FOOT FETISH. STOP SAYING THAT.

**girljs: **DFHNGFSDJDSF

**sleepy bitch disease: **byleth told us she was born when her mother died

**sleepy bitch disease: **her mothers gravestone says she died 21 years ago

**sleepy bitch disease: **do the math

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **do the what

**sleepy bitch disease: **the math, caspar

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **THE WHAT

**girljs: **do u guys wanna like. focus on the party instead of our teachers' ages

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **great idea. everyone put your phones down, dorothea and i will go get the food and drinks.

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 8:17 PM ]**

**girljs: **guys i

**girljs: **its awful i think

**girljs: **i think edie and hubie are drunk

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **what's so bad about that?

**Jared, 19: **Is everything being okay, Dorothea?

**girljs: **t

**girljs: **they

**girljs: **SEE FOR YOURSELF

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe is online.**

**creeper is online.**

**girljs: **oh god oh fuck HERE IT COMES

**Jared, 19: **Um… I am not seeing what is wrong?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **wuss boppin my homigos.

**Jared, 19: **I am now seeing what is wrong.

**creeper: **And I oop.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **OH GOD WHAT

**girljs: **DO YOU GUYs SEE THE PROBL EM

**Jared, 19: **WHY ARE THEY… SPEAKING IN THIS WAY?

**girljs: **I DONT KNOWWW

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i'm going to k word this clown.

**creeper: **Sksksksks. It's on sight, Lady Edelgard.

**girljs: **stop it stop it stop it BOTH OF YOU STOP IT

**girljs: **I CANNOT TAKE THIS I AM SERIOUSLY AT MY LIMIT

**girljs: **WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

**girljs: **BRING BACK MY GIRLFRIEND AND HER SIDE BITCH

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **her

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **her side bitch

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **i can't BELIEVE you just called hubert edelgard's side bitch

**girljs: **i fear no god ferdie

**creeper: **Sis it don't add up.

**girljs: **BUT THAT THING

**girljs: **THAT THING SCARES ME

**Jared, 19: **I… AM NOT LIKING THIS

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **DOROTHEA HOLD ME IM SCARED

**girljs: **HOLD YOURSELF AND GET IN LINE FERDIE IM ALSO TERRIFIED

**Jared, 19: **DO NOT FEAR I WILL FIGHT THEM BACK

**girljs: **KICKTHEIR ASSES PETRA IM CHEERING FORR YO U

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 8:30 PM ]**

**extra cheesy: **i hear screaming?

**extra cheesy: **who is screaming? why are you screaming? are you guys alright??

**extra cheesy: **what is happening??

**girljs: **THEYGOT FERDIE

**extra cheesy: **what? who got who?

**girljs: **THEY GO TFERDIE

**girljs: **MAN DOWN MANDOWN

**extra cheesy: **what do you mean they got him?? who is they??

**extra cheesy: **DOROTHEA? ARE YOU OKAY?

**girljs: **NOTHING IS OKAY

**Jared, 19: **SHE IS RIGHT

**Jared, 19: **IT IS AWFUL

**Jared, 19: **WE HAVE SACRIFICED FERDINAND FOR THE GREATER GOOD

**extra cheesy: **YOU DID WHAT?

**sleepy bitch disease: **this is a fun read

**girljs: **IM SORRY

**girljs: **WE JUST THREW FERDIE AT THEM AND RAN

**Jared, 19: **WE DID WHAT WE HAD TO DO

**sexy uwu: **i cant believe ferdinand is dead

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, dear...

**extra cheesy: **HE'S WHAT?

**extra cheesy: **ARE WE UNDER ATTACK? DO YOU TWO NEED BACKUP?

**girljs: **YES WE ARE AND YES WE DO

**extra cheesy: **WHERE ARE YOU I'M COMING TO YOU

**Jared, 19: **WE ARE OUTSIDE THE CLASSROOMS HIDING IN THE BUSHES

**girljs: **PLEASE HURRY THOSE DEMONS WILL BEHERE SOON

**extra cheesy: **I WILL BE RIGHT THERE

**extra cheesy is offline.**

**girljs is offline.**

**Jared, 19 is offline.**

**sleepy bitch disease: **images that precede unfortunate events

**sexy uwu: **more like images that precede LEGENDARY events

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Hey, hopefully nothing unfortunate will happen!

**sexy uwu: **but like for real what the fuck is going on

**sleepy bitch disease: **edelgard and hubert are drunk

**sexy uwu: **and?

**sleepy bitch disease: **they talk like vsco girls when drunk

**sexy uwu: **,

**sexy uwu: **holy SHIT

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **How… does that work?

**sexy uwu: **that sounds like the stuff of nightmares i can see why thea and petra were so scared

**sleepy bitch disease: **exactly

**sexy uwu: **wait how did you know they were drunk???

**sleepy bitch disease: **i was there

**sexy uwu: **yeah that adds up

**extra cheesy is online.**

**extra cheesy: **i

**extra cheesy: **someone please help we need a healer

**sexy uwu: **"this is such a shocking turn of events!" said no one ever

**extra cheesy: **PLEASE HELP HUBERT IS INJURED

**sleepy bitch disease: **sorry i cant im asleep

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Don't worry, Dimitri! I'll be right there!

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 8:49 PM ]**

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **any update on the hubert and edelgard situation? yall alright?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Everything is A-OK, Ingrid! Hubert and Edelgard are passed out, and Dorothea and Petra have calmed down.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **We have yet to locate Ferdinand but I'm sure he'll turn up.

**girljs: **to be fair hubert was more 'knocked unconscious by dimitri' rather than 'passed out'

**extra cheesy: **im so sorry

**extra cheesy:** why does this keep happening

**Jared, 19: **Do not be worrying, Dimitri… it was for the greater good.

  
  
  


**[ DM: so basically, im babey -> haha just kidding… unless? - 8:57 PM ]**

**so basically, im babey: **have you seen felix??!?!

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i thought he was with you??

**so basically, im babey: **why would he be with me?????

**haha just kidding… unless?: **because youre the only person he tolerates???

**so basically, im babey: **he tolerates you!!!!

**haha just kidding… unless?: **yeah but does he really

**so basically, im babey: **valid point

**so basically, im babey: **do you have any idea where he may be????

**haha just kidding… unless?: **sulking in a corner??

**so basically, im babey: **well DUH

**so basically, im babey: **i meant WHICH corner is he sulking in

**haha just kidding… unless?: **why do you need to know so badly??

**so basically, im babey: **so that i can send you to his corner to cure his sulkiness!!!!!!!! c:

**haha just kidding… unless?: **ah i see

**so basically, im babey: **youre the one who wanted him to be at this party, you should make sure he enjoys it!!! >:c and if he doesnt he'll just complain about it to me for hours!!!!

**haha just kidding… unless?: **fair point but, counter offer,

**haha just kidding… unless?: **,

**haha just kidding… unless?: **uh

**so basically, im babey: **counter offer??

**haha just kidding… unless?: **sorry i realised youre absolutely right and i have no rebuttal

**so basically, im babey: **im glad you understand!!!! now go find your sulky boyfriend sylvain!!!!!!!! C:

**haha just kidding… unless?: **H ES NOT MY

  
  
  


**[ DM: girljs - > so basically, im babey- 8:59 PM ]**

**girljs: **did u say something to sylvain

**girljs: **we were sitting at a table and then he turned bright red, made this weird choking noise, and ran off

**so basically, im babey: **hes soooooo obvious about his crush on felix but when someone points it out he gets all embarrassed!!!!!

**girljs: **so you did say something????

**so basically, im babey: **yes!! i told him to go find his sulky boyfriend

**girljs: **THATS MY GIRL

  
  
  


**[ DM: haha just kidding… unless? -> emotional support twink - 9:12 PM ]**

**haha just kidding… unless?: **HEYY felix

**haha just kidding… unless?: **ive checked all the corners i could find and yet i still cant find you

**emotional support twink: **what.

**emotional support twink: **is that some kind of pickup line.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **OH NO i meant i assumed you were sulking in a corner and i came to look for you

**emotional support twink: **i'm not sulking.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i can literally feel you sulking through the screen

**emotional support twink: **no, i'm not.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **can you just tell me where you are??

**emotional support twink: **why do you even care where i am. just enjoy the party and i'll enjoy sitting in my room sharpening my swords.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **ah so youre in your room

**emotional support twink: **,

**emotional support twink: **fuck.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **look i wont bother you if you dont want me to but

**haha just kidding… unless?: **uh

**emotional support twink: **'uh'?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **THERES something i wanted to talk to you about actually

**haha just kidding… unless?: **but it can totally wait until later if nows not a good time

**haha just kidding… unless?: **like if you just want to be alone i totally get it

**haha just kidding… unless?: **honestly its not even that important it can probably wait

**emotional support twink: **sylvain. you're somehow rambling through text.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **oh shit i am huh 🤡🤡🤡

**haha just kidding… unless?: **forget i said anything im probably drunk

**emotional support twink: **no, you're not.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **yeah youre right im not

**emotional support twink: **look.

**emotional support twink: **idkwgysnbidmiycttmaiintbwabicltwyhts(eiips).

**emotional support twink: **can't be bothered typing the whole thing out.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **i

**haha just kidding… unless?: **is that an acronym for 'i don't know what's got you so nervous, but i don't mind if you come talk to me about it, i'm not the best with advice but i can listen to what you have to say (even if it's probably stupid)'?

**emotional support twink: **how the fuck did you guess that first try.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **what can i say, i know you ;)

  
  
  


**[ help - 9:15 PM ]**

**haha just kidding… unless?: **hey so

**haha just kidding… unless?: **im going to see felix

**haha just kidding… unless?: **and i think im going to like

**haha just kidding… unless?: **say the thing

**girljs: **say the thing???

**sexy owo: **the gay thing????

**haha just kidding… unless?: **yes that 🤡

**haha just kidding… unless?: **but tbh his room is like a five minute walk from here i have plenty of time to turn around haha

**girljs: **BITCH NO U DONT

**girljs: **GO GET UR MANS OR IM GONNA KWORD YOU

**haha just kidding… unless?: **IM SORRY ALRIGHT

**haha just kidding… unless?: **I JUST DONT WANT TO

**haha just kidding… unless?: **yknow

**haha just kidding… unless?: **ruin a lifelong friendship

**sexy uwu: **ngl i didnt take you for the nervous type sylvain

**haha just kidding… unless?: **what can i say, im a clown 🤡🤡🤡

**sexy uwu: **u sure are bud

**girljs: **hilda ily but maybe be a bit more thoughtful rn

**haha just kidding… unless?: **NO NO please keep making jokes it puts me at ease

**haha just kidding… unless?: **im most comfortable when in my natural clown environment

**haha just kidding… unless?: **wow four minutes until i see felix… cant wait to destroy everything and be forever alone

**sexy owo: **WOAH buddy calm down alright

**sexy owo: **you know what i was thinking when i confessed to dima??

**haha just kidding… unless?: **what??

**sexy owo: **nothing. no thots head empty

**girljs: **very helpful

**sexy owo: **HE SAID TO KEEP MAKING JOKES SO I DID

**haha just kidding… unless?: **yeah keep going please its helping

**girljs: **okay if thats what u want

**girljs: **but also im definitely gonna follow up on this conversation at a later date to make sure ur doing fine alright??

**haha just kidding… unless?: **gotcha

**haha just kidding… unless?: **so… three minutes guys

**haha just kidding… unless?: **still time for me to turn around and not ruin everything

**girljs: **BITCH DONT DO IT U GOT THIS

**sexy owo: **GO GET EM SON

**sexy uwu: **DONT BACK OUT NOW YOU FUCKING CLOWN

**haha just kidding… unless?: **OKAY

**haha just kidding… unless?: **IM HERE

**haha just kidding… unless?: **I OVERESTIMATED THE WALK TIME IT ONLY TOOK ME THREE MINUTES TO GET HERE

**girljs: **U GOT THIS

**sexy owo: **GOOD LUCK

**sexy uwu: **GO!!!!

**haha just kidding… unless?: **THANKS YOU GUYS I APPRECIATE IT

**haha just kidding… unless? is offline.**

**sexy owo: **hey hilda after this ur gonna be the only single one

**sexy uwu: **DONT REMIND ME

  
  
  


**[ DM: emotional support twink -> so basically, im babey - 9:31 PM ]**

**emotional support twink: **annette.

**so basically, im babey: **what did sylvain do

**so basically, im babey: **felix

**so basically, im babey: **felix what did he do

**so basically, im babey: **FELIX???????

  
  
  


**[ DM: so basically, im babey -> haha just kidding… unless? - 9:32 PM ]**

**so basically, im babey: **WHAT DID YOU DO

**haha just kidding… unless?: **I

**haha just kidding… unless?:** MIGHTHAVE DONE A THING

**so basically, im babey: **WHAT!!! DID!!!! YOU!!! DO!!!!!!!!!!

  
  


**[ help - 9:34 PM ]**

**haha just kidding… unless?: **LADS I

**haha just kidding… unless?: **HAVE SOME

**haha just kidding… unless?: **NEWS

**girljs: **HJDSDGWHAT HAPPENED TELL US

**sexy owo: **👁️👄👁️

**sexy uwu: **DID IT GO WELL!!!!!!!

**haha just kidding… unless?: **lets just say

**haha just kidding… unless?: **hildas officially the only single one in this chat

**girljs: **OHHH BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

**sexy uwu: **IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!! AND ALSO FUCK YOU

**sexy owo: **DOROTHEA YOU OWE ME $20

**girljs: **HSDJ FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

**haha just kidding… unless?: **…………….yall had a fucking BET???

**girljs: **yeah it was intense

**sexy uwu: **even byleth bet on it

**haha just kidding… unless?: **IM SORRY THE PROFESSOR DID WHAT

  
  
  


**[ DM: emotional support twink -> so basically, im babey - 9:35 PM ]**

**emotional support twink: **i have a boyfriend now.

**so basically, im babey: **OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  
  
  


**[ Black Eagles Chatroom - 8:47 AM ]**

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **good morning, everyone. it appears that i am even worse than my girlfriend while drunk.

**girljs: **the callout hits harder when its true…………………..

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **anyways, apologies on both my and hubert's behalfs for anything stupid that was said yesterday.

**creeper: **Lady Edelgard, with all due respect, you needn't waste your time with concern for my reputation. I can apologise for myself.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **oh- of course. in that case, hubert, please go ahead.

**creeper: **I owe none of you an apology for anything.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **nevermind.

**girljs:** JHDFGFJDHGFDS HES BACK

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **there's our hubert

**sleepy bitch disease: **what would we do without him

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **get a good nights sleep without the fear of the local vampire breaking into our rooms and drinking our blood, probably

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **don't worry, hubert's not a vampire.

**girljs: **convincing argument but have u ever seen him in daylight???

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **you make a good point.

**creeper: **I'm not a vampire.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **sounds like something a vampire would say?

**creeper: **If you really think I'm a vampire, why don't you come here and find out for yourself?

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **what

**girljs: **w

**girljs: **was that a threat or did hubert just flirt

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **WHAT

**creeper: **It was a threat.

**girljs: **GOTCHA……………..

**girljs: **anyways we have class soon but i gotta do just one thing before we go ;))

**girljs has changed creeper's nickname to edelgard's side bitch.**

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **nice

**sleepy bitch disease: **nice

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **nice

**Jared, 19: **Nice.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **nice

**edelgard's side bitch: **Change my name back right now. This is insulting.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **nice.

**edelgard's side bitch: **I

**girljs: **UDJFSGSADIUYSDFIUFG

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 10:34 AM ]**

**girljs: **so

**girljs: **so um

**girljs: **PETRA help i dont know what to say

**Jared, 19: **I can be explaining, if you like?

**girljs: **please do

**sexy owo: **are yall good??

**Jared, 19: **Don't worry! We are fine.

**Jared, 19: **Last night, when Dorothea and myself were running away from Hubert and Edelgard, we had fled to the basement.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **are we even allowed down there?

**girljs: **be gay do crime

**edelgard's side bitch: **I go down there all the time.

**Jared, 19: **When we were in there, we heard… noises.

**Jared, 19: **And we believed we were seeing a group of people down there.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **is THIS a creepypasta?

**girljs: **we thought we were

**girljs: **imagining things out of fear

**girljs: **bbut we just went back there and turns out

**girljs: **they were real

**oovoo javer: **huh??

**extra cheesy: **what?

**girljs: **we have fucking RAT PEOPLE UNDERNEATH OUR SCHOOL

**girljs: **AND NO ONE KNEW ABOUT THEM

**girljs: **WHO ARE THEY??? WHY ARE THEY HERE???

**girljs: **WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM US..

**sleepy bitch disease: **oh thats just yuri and the others

**girljs: **h

**girljs: **huh??

**sleepy bitch disease: **you wanna meet them or?

**girljs: **HUH??????

**sleepy bitch disease has added eyeliner on point, *poof* ur a little bitch, lesbbsbianism, and STRONK to the chat.**

**sleepy bitch disease: **hey guys whats up

**eyeliner on point: **hey linhardt

**girljs: **HHHHHHHUH????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so!! im not dead!! (yet)
> 
> i have not proofread a word of this chapter if there are a bunch of inconsistencies im so sorry FGSDHJ THE NEW DLC CHARACTERS R VERY GOOD... i also want to include mr jeritza himself in this fic so he may make his appearance next time
> 
> as always my twitter is @/springbutbetter !! come say hi!!


	13. sir byleth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **haha just kidding... unless?:** NO DRAMA IN THE CHAT
> 
> **haha just kidding... unless?:** ONLY FEET PICS
> 
> **sexy owo:** you heard the man. no feet pics in the drama only chat
> 
> **girljs:** no chat in the feet pics only drama
> 
> **sexy uwu:** SHUTTHE FUCK UP ABOUT FEET IM HAVING A CRISIS OVER HERE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spoiler warning for some things in the ashen wolves side story!! ;0c

**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 10:38 AM ]**

**girljs: **why are the ratpeople here

**girljs: **what is happening

**Jared, 19: **How do you know them, Linhardt?

**sleepy bitch disease: **basement good for naps

**haha just kidding... unless?: **he makes a good point

**girljs: **doesnt hubert spend half his life in the basement too

**edelgard's side bitch: **I do. I ignore the rat people and they ignore me. It works out.

**eyeliner on point: **we don't associate with him.

**girljs: **ah i see

**girljs: **i lied. i dont see. i dont see shit. how the fuck does any of this work and why are you all in the BASEMENT

**sleepy bitch disease: **it isn't just the basement. there's a whole underground city

**girljs: **im sorry theres a what now

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **is that allowed?? 

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **how has this avoided detection?

**sleepy bitch disease: **youre all asking so many questions

**sleepy bitch disease: **let the rats breathe

**extra cheesy: **um… could one of you explain how this 'underground city' works? i think we're all a little confused.

***poof* ur a little bitch: **I think we are of little inclination to explain ourselves to you! Do you treat everyone who takes part in this chatroom with such invasiveness?!

**extra cheesy: **oh! i'm so sorry, i didn't intend to be rude…

**lesbbsbianism: **coco, calm down, ok? he didnt mean any harm

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Hmph. Very well. But I still see no reason for us to divulge any information.

**eyeliner on point: **it's fine, constance, of course they're curious. we do live underneath their school, after all.

**girljs: **please stop talking about this so nonchalantly im. im still having a hard time processing this

**sexy owo: **just dont think about it too hard thea and youll be fine

**girljs: **HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT THINK ABOUT IT TOO HARD

**eyeliner on point: **it's quite simple, really. but i can spell it out for you all :)

**sexy uwu: **please. please do

**Jared, 19: **Yes, that would be of much help…

**eyeliner on point: **we call our city abyss. don't laugh, i didn't choose the name.

**eyeliner on point: **without revealing too much, it's a place where those in need go to seek refuge. so i'll have to ask that none of you nobles come running down here and causing a fuss.

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **do i detect a hint of passive aggression in your tone?

**eyeliner on point: **of course not. we're all friends here, right? :)

**sexy owo: **ohohohoho. i like this one

**sexy uwu: **did you really just say "ohohohoho"

**sexy owo: **indeed i did ;)

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Well, I dare say none of you have made a glamorous first impression.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **alright kids im definitely sensing some tension so let me remind you all of the GOLDEN RULE:

**haha just kidding... unless?: **no drama in the group chat. only feet pics

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Wow! I do not know who you are but I already dislike you greatly!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **thats fair!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **oh boy constance you are NOT ready to hear about lorenz

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Who?

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **that would be me, lorenz hellman gloucester.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **the feet pics man

**deathknightdestroyer69: **the feet pics man

**girljs: **the feet pics man

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **the feet pics man

**sexy owo: **the feet pics man

**sleepy bitch disease: **the feet pics man

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **FOR THE LAST TIME. I DO NOT HAVE A FOOT FETISH.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Um… I hate to change the topic, but if you could all direct your attention away from Lorenz and feet for just a moment…

**deathknightdestroyer69: **Momcedes, once again, comes in to save the day..

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Would you four mind introducing yourselves? Just so we can all be acquainted!

**lesbbsbianism: **thats a good idea. whos going first? yuri?

**eyeliner on point: **sure, i can.

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Ohohoho! Not so fast!

**eyeliner on point: **oh boy.

**sexy uwu:** WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING 'OHOHO' TODAY WHATS UP WITH THAT

***poof* ur a little bitch: **I will be the one to begin the introductions, thank you very much! These nobles would do well to remember my name, for it is one they will be reciting for years to come!

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **we're not ALL nobles, y'know..

**sexy uwu: **so is no one gonna answer my question or

***poof* ur a little bitch: **I am Constance von Nuvelle! It would come of no shock to me if the name already rings familiar to some of you.

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Though my house may no longer be what it once was, I swear to all of you that I have taken upon myself the task of returning House Nuvelle to its former glory!

***poof* ur a little bitch: **And you are all the lucky audience who will bear witness to my rise to prestiege!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **shes a fun one isnt she

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **man i will not lie i am LOVING this energy

**lesbbsbianism: **well thats certainly one way to make a first impression. way to go, coco

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Why, thank you, Hapi. I think I've said all that needs to be said. 

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh! Hold on just a moment!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Constance! You remember me, don't you?

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Could that be… Mercedes? Oh, please say it is so!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Yes! It is! How'd you guess so easily?

***poof* ur a little bitch: **You talk exactly as you did when we were little!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, my. I hope that's not a bad thing!

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Quite the opposite! Your benevolent conduct has always been a gift.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, Constance, you're too sweet.

**girljs: **as if this couldnt get MORE confusing

**girljs: **you two know each other???

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Yes! I guess you could say Constance and I were childhood friends.

**so basically, im babey: **woah!! what a coincidence that this would be how you two would reunite, mercie! :o

**eyeliner on point: **quite true. it's almost unbelievable, really

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ah, we should continue with introductions, shouldn't we? Constance, we must have tea together later and catch up.

***poof* ur a little bitch: **That sounds delightful, Mercedes.

***poof* ur a little bitch:** Hapi, shall you be next in line for introductions?

**lesbbsbianism: **sure thing

**lesbbsbianism: **im hapi n girls r cute

**girljs: **ugh… kin

**sexy uwu: **amen to that

**extra cheesy: **anything else you would like to share with us, hapi?

**lesbbsbianism: **nah thats it

**extra cheesy: **thats fine! its nice to meet both of you.

**oovoo javer: **right! welcome to the chat!

**eyeliner on point: **well, is it finally my turn? unless balthus would like to introduce himself before me.

**STRONK: **nah boss, you go ahead

**eyeliner on point: **i'm yuri. i'm kind of the boss down here, as you might have guessed, but don't let that intimidate you- i'm looking forward to getting to know all of you :)

**lesbbsbianism: **he is the rat king

**STRONK: **HE IS THE RAT KING

**eyeliner on point: **aha, that's one word for it, sure.

**sexy owo: **i, for one, welcome the rat king

**sexy owo: **i have a feeling you and i will get along just fine :)

**sexy uwu: **ohhhhh thats claude scheming tone. everyone be WORRIED

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **oh dear.

**STRONK: **is it finally MY TURN TO ROCK AND ROLL

**eyeliner on point: **uh… if you mean your turn to introduce yourself then yes, go ahead.

**STRONK: **HELL YEAH

**STRONK: **the name's BALTHUS, but some prefer to call me "the almighty king of grappling", or, more commonly, "that super cool shirtless guy"

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **damn i wish i had cool nicknames like that

**sleepy bitch disease: **no, caspar, you do not

**sexy uwu: **waaaaaaaaaaait

**sexy uwu: **balthus????????

**sexy uwu: **as in???? my brothers best friend??????? BALTIE???????? HELLO????????

**STRONK: **new phone who dis

**sexy uwu: **ITS HILDA 

**sexy uwu: **YOU REMEMBER ME RIGHT

**STRONK: **OH

**STRONK: **OH SHIT

**STRONK: **HILDA

**STRONK: **HI

**sexy uwu: **WHY ARE YOU IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SCHOOL????????

**STRONK: **LONG STORY DONT TELL HOLST

**sexy uwu: **HUH why cant i tell him

**sexy uwu: **yall were such good friends he misses u :/

**lesbbsbianism: **hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

**sexy uwu: **huh

**lesbbsbianism: **"good friends" yeah alright

**sexy owo: **,

**girljs: **omghfdgh 

**girljs: **HAPI ARE U SAYIN WHAT I THINK UR SAYIN

**lesbbsbianism: **:)

**sexy uwu: **?????? HWAT IS SHE SAYING

**sleepy bitch disease: **images that precede unfortunate events

**sexy owo: **holy SHIT

**STRONK: **HAPI DONT EXPOSE ME

**lesbbsbianism: **i said nothing

**eyeliner on point: **hilda he totally fucked your brother

**STRONK: **YURI

**sexy uwu: **h

**STRONK: **DONT SAY IT LIKE THAT

**eyeliner on point: **:)

**sexy uwu: **??????HDFBAFDGH WHAT

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **OH MY GOD

**sexy owo: **nhgFJHASDTUIASDAGSJHGHJG I WHEE ZED

**STRONK: **WE WERE JUST

**STRONK: **DATING FOR A WHILE MAYBE

**sexy uwu: **YOU WERE WHAT

**sexy uwu: **WHY DID I?????? NOT KNO W?????????

**STRONK: **YOU WERE LIKE 12 OKAY

**sexy uwu: **HE HASNT SEEN YOU IN YEARS

**sexy uwu: **OH MY GOD THATS WHY HE WAS SO FUCKING UPSET

**sexy uwu: **OH MY FUCKING GODd

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **wait is this still funny or should we be worried

**sexy owo: **still funny

**sexy owo: **if hilda stops using caps we can be worried

**sexy uwu: **IM HAVING A STROKE?

**sexy owo: **see she's fine

**haha just kidding... unless?: **NO DRAMA IN THE CHAT

**haha just kidding... unless?: **ONLY FEET PICS

**sexy owo: **you heard the man. no feet pics in the drama only chat

**girljs: **no chat in the feet pics only drama

**sexy uwu: **SHUTTHE FUCK UP ABOUT FEET IM HAVING A CRISIS OVER HERE

  
  
  


**[ DM: STRONK -> sexy uwu - 10:57 AM ]**

**STRONK: **ssssssssso are you mad at me or

**sexy uwu: **noo im not mad

**sexy uwu: **holst just might be

**sexy uwu: **u should. talk to him

**STRONK: **look

**STRONK: **i didnt just disappear without telling him ok?? i wouldnt do that

**sexy uwu: **oh thank god

**sexy uwu: **but why did you…………….??

**STRONK: **so u know when ur like in a lot of debt and everyones out for ur head

**sexy uwu: **cannot relate, but continue

**STRONK: **yeah well i figured if i wanted to a UHHHHH not die

**STRONK: **i had to kinda disappear

**sexy uwu: **oh

**sexy uwu: **you could have asked us for help you know :/

**sexy uwu: **holst wouldve helped you

**STRONK: **hilds you know its not that easy

**STRONK: **your familys reputation coudlve been ruined if ppl saw me and holst hanging out

**sexy uwu: **oh

**sexy uwu: **ohhhHHH

**sexy uwu: **well

**sexy uwu: **can you talk to him again

**sexy uwu: **pleaseeeeeeeeee

**sexy uwu: **if you need a way to contact him i can help

**sexy uwu: **hed be really happy to hear from u again :^(

**sexy uwu: **and i dont want my brother to be a ~sad gay loser~ for all of his life

**STRONK: **ah fuck fine

**STRONK: **but give me a bit of time alright??

**sexy uwu: **YESSS BITCH

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy uwu -> sexy owo - 11:01 AM ]**

**sexy uwu: **ok im chill now and i gotta say

**sexy uwu: **cant BELIEVE my own brother has more game than i do

**sexy owo: **i can. ur brother is lowkey hot

**sexy uwu: **im telling dimitri

**sexy owo: **HSHDHGJASNH NOO I WAS JOKING

**sexy uwu: **AS I WAS SAYING i cannot believe this. im like the cutest girl at garreg mach. how do i NOT have a gf yet

**sexy owo: **because everyones aware of ur super obvious crush on mari and we're all waiting for u to make a move

**sexy uwu: **hm sounds fake

**sexy owo: **HILDA

**sexy owo: **YOU CANT COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING SINGLE IF YOU DONT DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE IT

**sexy uwu: **HAVE YOU MET ME

**sexy uwu: **COMPLAINING ABOUT STUFF I MAKE NO EFFORT TO CHANGE IS MY WHOLE LIFE CLAUDE

**sexy uwu: **besides i dont wanna make mari uncomfortable ya know :/

**sexy owo: **sounds like an excuse to me chief

**sexy uwu: **she probably doesnt even like me like that

**sexy owo: **she was glued to your side for the entire party yesterday

**sexy uwu: **ya we're friends

**sexy owo: **you guys were holding hands

**sexy uwu: **PLATONICALLY

**sexy owo: **I SAW YOU CUDDLING

**sexy uwu: **P……...PLATONICALLY……………………..

**sexy owo: **YOURE SUCH A CLOWN YOU KNOW THAT

  
  
  


**[ DM: i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵 -> sexy uwu- 11:42 AM ]**

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **hhilda!! hello!!

**sexy uwu: **MARI!! whats up!!

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **i um,, just wwanted to check on you after what happened in chat!! youre okay right ??

**sexy uwu: **OMG dw about me im fine baltie and i talked it out ✌️ im just glad hes back tbh

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **ahhh thats good ;;;;; i hope he ppatches things back up with your brother too !

**sexy uwu: **god me too

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **and uum ! i wanted to say uh

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **tthank you very much for sticking with me at the party yesterday

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **you know im not ggreat with social events like that so i really appreciated it and um

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **id really llike to spend more time with you like that if thats alright like just the two of us

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **bbut only if thats okay with you of course

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **i just um! wanted you to know i really appreciate your company ;;;;

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy uwu -> sexy owo - 11:46 AM ]**

**sexy uwu: **hilda has died

**sexy uwu: **she has been killed

**sexy owo: **noo hilda dont die ur so sexy aha

**sexy uwu: **hilda has risen from the dead to punch claude in the face and then died again!

**sexy owo: **yeah thats fair

  
  
  


**[ DM: emotional support twink -> haha just kidding… unless? - 1:04 PM ]**

**emotional support twink: **so.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **hello to you too my darling scrumptious lovely sweetie pie

**emotional support twink: **i'm going to kill you just for that.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i love you too

**haha just kidding... unless?: **what did you wanna talk about?

**emotional support twink: **are we

**haha just kidding... unless?: **felix??

**haha just kidding... unless?: **felix???? hello???

  
  
  


**[ DM: haha just kidding... unless? -> so basically, im babey - 1:07 PM ]**

**haha just kidding... unless?: **annette

**so basically, im babey: **felix wanted to know when u two are gonna tell everyone else that ur dating!!!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **why does he tell you that and not me???

**so basically, im babey: **are u sure u wanna know the answer

**haha just kidding... unless?: **absolutely

**so basically, im babey: **you fluster him

**haha just kidding... unless?: **OH DAMN…………….. cute

**so basically, im babey: **hehehe!!!

  
  
  


**[ DM: haha just kidding... unless? -> emotional support twink - 1:08 PM ]**

**haha just kidding... unless?: **;))))

**emotional support twink: **whatever annette told you, it was a lie.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **sure sweetie ;)))))

**emotional support twink: **stop.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **muffin

**emotional support twink: **die.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **kissy lips

**emotional support twink: **who the fuck calls their boyfriend 'kissy lips'?

**haha just kidding... unless?: **yeah thats my bad i was out of nickname ideas

**haha just kidding... unless?: **anyways did you want to tell the others about us??

**emotional support twink: **did you?

**haha just kidding... unless?: **im fine w whatever ur comfortable with!

**emotional support twink: **are YOU comfortable with it?

**haha just kidding... unless?: **im a clown felix i dont have emotions

**emotional support twink: **sylvain.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **REALLY IM FINE WITH WHATEVER UR FINE WITH

**emotional support twink: **well i'm fine with whatever YOU'RE fine with.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **WELL then we are at an impasse

  
  
  


**[ DM: so basically, im babey -> haha just kidding... unless? - 1:10 PM ]**

**so basically, im babey: **yall are disasters. you know that?? DISASTERS.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **how does felix communicate every second of his life to you so fast

**so basically, im babey: **im jus reading over his shoulder!!!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **yeah that adds up

  
  
  


**[ Black Eagles Chatroom - 1:35 PM ]**

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **Greetings, classmates!

**girljs: **hello ferdie my dear friend who is typing quite strangely

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE:** For the past few months I realise my decorum has been quite unsavoury! Well, no more! From this day onwards, Ferdinand von Aegir is a changed man!

**Jared, 19: **Oh, dear.

**I haven't seen the sun in 84 years: **fferdinand?? h ello ??

**girljs: **did he hit his head yesterday when we threw him

**girljs: **is that what this is,

**girljs: **ferdie sweetie are u alright

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **No I am not, Dorothea! I am simply righting my past wrongs!

**girljs: **i???????????? what?????????????????????

**sleepy bitch disease: **its happened

**sleepy bitch disease: **ferdinands finally lost it

**edelgard's side bitch: **You never know. It may be an improvement.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **hubert has a point. this could be for the better.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **Do not fear, Edelgard! Just because I am more refined in my texting than before- as you would expect from one of my noble status- does not mean I am any less of your fierce rival!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **never mind.

**edelgard's side bitch: **For fuck's sake.

  
  
  


**[ Seteth's Scrubs - 2:49 PM ]**

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Hello, everyone!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **With all the new people in this chat, I was thinking we could play something of a game to get to know each other better!

**sleepy bitch disease: **oh boy

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Oh? Do tell, Mercedes. I'm sure any idea of yours will be splendid.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Aw, thank you, Constance!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I looked up some fun texting games we can play, and Google suggested one called "Fortunately, Unfortunately".

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i believe i've heard of this one. it's a sort of story building game, correct?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Indeed it is! It's where one person will say one part of the story, starting with 'fortunately', and the next person will add onto that, starting with 'unfortunately'.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **yknow if it were anyone else suggesting it i'd probably laugh but its mercedes so im gonna say fantastic idea lets do it

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **sounds good to me

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **So, who starts it? mercedes?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Well, I'll start very vague, so you guys can take the story wherever you like!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **One day, there was a person.

**sexy owo: **fortunately his name was brad

**sexy uwu: **unfortunately his last name was chad

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **howd this manage to go to shit so fast

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **BRAD CHAD

**so basically, im babey: **fortunately, brad chad was a SUPER COOL DUDE!!!!!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **hell YEAH he was

**deathknightdestroyer69: **unfortunately, he had no friends.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **OUCH

**lesbbsbianism: **oh no. poor brad chad

**girljs: **noo not brad chad

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Fortunately, one day he made a friend!

**sleepy bitch disease: **unfortunately the friends name was bromaeda

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **b

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **BROMAEDa

**lesbbsbianism: **that sure is unfortunate

**Jared, 19: **I am not liking this game very much...

**so basically, im babey: **fortunately bromaeda was ALSO A SUPER COOL DUDE!!!! AND THEY WERE SUPER COOL DUDES TOGETHER!!!!!!

**emotional support twink: **unfortunately, brad chad found out that bromaeda stole his minecraft diamonds many months ago, leaving him feeling betrayed and full of rage.

**sexy owo: **ohmygodfFNDFG

**so basically, im babey: **fortunately because brad chad was a SUPER COOL DUDE he was very forgiving and knew friendship was more important so he forgave bromaeda!!!!

**emotional support twink: **unfortunately that's a complete lie. brad chad was out for blood.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **IM IN TEARS

**sexy owo: **BRAD CHAD WAS OUT FOR BLOODFGHABGF

**so basically, im babey: **NOOOOOOO NOT BRAD CHADDDDD

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Fortunately, Brad Chad knew just who to turn to, to aid him in his quest for vengeance! He sought out a dear old friend, one wise beyond his years and greatly powerful, and asked for his assistance in taking down Bromaeda.

**sleepy bitch disease: **unfortunately, the old friend's name was seteth

**sexy uwu: **FUCKDSFBGHSD

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **it was only a matter of time before he came up…

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **please. im begging all of you. just one seteth-free day. that's all i'm asking

**girljs: **its too much to ask ingrid im so sorry

**STRONK: **fortunately seteth was SUPER BUFF and would be a great help in beating the shit out of bromaeda

**so basically, im babey: **what did bromaeda do to deserve this :((((

**deathknightdestroyer69: **he stole brad chad's minecraft diamonds, keep up annette

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i think that was just felix projecting his own anger onto brad chad and bromaeda

**emotional support twink: **no, it wasn't. bromaeda will pay for what he did.

**sexy owo: **i FEEL threatened

**oovoo javer: **unfortunately, even though seteth was super buff, he refused to beat up anyone because he knew it was morally wrong!

**Jared, 19: **Fortunately, Brad Chad decided he could fight Bromaeda on his own!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **thank god. seteth's been written out. now lets never mention him again

**deathknightdestroyer69: **you're doing god's work both of you

**haha just kidding... unless?: **UNFORTUNATELY SETETH DECIDED TO COME ALONG AND CHEER BRAD CHAD ON FROM THE SIDELINES BECAUSE HE WAS A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **FOR FUCKS SAKE SYLVAIN

***cracks raw egg over my head* its art you wouldnt understand: **fortunately, seteth helped brad chad and bromaeda talk things out peacefully instead of fighting, and all three of them decided to be friends instead!

**emotional support twink: **unfortunately that was also a lie and brad chad used it as an oppurtunity to sneak up and kill bromaeda (with a sword).

**girljs: **(with a sword)

**haha just kidding… unless?: **thank u for the clarification felix

**sexy uwu: **IS NO ONE GONNA COMMENT ON THE FACT THAT BROMAEDA JUST FUCKING DIED

**oovoo javer: **fortunately, seteth knew how to raise people from the dead, and brought bromaeda back to life!

**emotional support twink: **unfortunately brad chad killed him again.

**so basically, im babey: **FELIXXXXXXX >:(

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **i cant believe bromaeda is dead

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **Fortunately, after Bromaeda's death, Brad Chad let go of his hatred and decided to become a better man!

**emotional support twink: **unfortunately that was also a lie.

**sleepy bitch disease: **can we ban felix from this game

**sexy owo: **yes. felix go sit in time out for five minutes and think about what youve done

**emotional support twink: **no.

**sexy owo: **BE QUIET YOURE BANNED

**lesbbsbianism: **fortunately brad chad was still a pretty cool dude

**so basically, im babey: **YEAH!!!!!! HE SURE WAS!!!!!!!!!!!

**sleepy bitch disease: **and we're back to where we started

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, dear… I thought this game would play out a bit more smoothly than this.

**deathknightdestroyer69: **it's not your fault everyone here acts like a bunch of children, mercedes.

**sexy owo: **says the babey

**deathknightdestroyer69: **fortunately, brad chad stabbed claude.

**sexy uwu: **hahhHJDFASDGFDSH

**sexy owo: **UNFORTUNATELY CLAUDE DODGED BECAUSE HES COOL LIKE THAT

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **uum,, sshould we maybe try starting over wwith this game ?? ;;

**sexy owo: **hold on just a sec i can save this story

**haha just kidding... unless?: **oh no

**sexy uwu: **one fear

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **claude, you've been typing for three minutes. what on earth are you doing?

**sexy owo: **fortunately brad chad had two friends who were both girls. one had blue hair and her name was marinette and the other had pink hair and her name was dumbass bisexual. the two were very clearly pining for each other so brad chad went to dumbass bisexual and gave her some great advice about how to ask marinette out and dumbass bisexual said "oh, why thank you brad chad, that is so very helpful and i will do that so that my friends no longer have to endure me pining for my close friend, marinette".

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **oh my god

**girljs: **smooth

**haha just kidding... unless?: **here we go

**sexy uwu: **UNFORTUNATELY, DUMBASS BISEXUAL (WHO WAS VERY SEXY BY THE WAY) PUNCHED BRAD CHAD IN THE FACE

**lesbbsbianism: **OH SNAP

**girljs: **GET HIS ASS

**sexy owo: **FORTUNATELY, SHE MISSEd AND INSTEAD OF PUNCHING BRAD CHAD SHE ASKED OUT MARINETTE AND THEY ARE NOW HAPPILY!!! MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **IM PROUD OF THEM

**girljs: **LETS GO LESBIANS

**sexy owo: **DOROTHEA WHOS SIDE ARE YOU ON

**girljs: **ITS A LAWLESS LAND I TAKE NO SIDES

**sexy uwu: **UNFORTUNATELY, IM GOING TO KILL YOU CLAUDE

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Who wants to play a different game!

**sexy uwu: **give me a sec i gotta murder my best friend

**sexy owo: **HHAHDBSFGHAGH HILDA NOOO HAVE MERCY

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Okay! Let's play a different game!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **The website I'm looking right now has a list of fun texting games to play, and one is called 'Kiss, Marry, Kill'. Is anyone here familiar with this?

**emotional support twink: **hell no.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **HELL YES

**haha just kidding... unless?: **HHAHAHSHFGD YES LETS PLAY THAT

***poof* ur a little bitch: **I don't believe I'm familiar with this game, Mercedes! Would you be a dear and explain it to everyone?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Of course, Constance!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **In this game, you give someone three people, and they choose from the three who they would kiss, marry, and kill!

**sleepy bitch disease: **as if that wasnt already obvious from the name

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **To keep some order, let's say that the person who answers last gets to ask the next person, alright?

**so basically, im babey: **got it!!!

**Jared, 19: **This will be having… interesting results, I'm sure.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **I'll go first!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Felix! Kiss, marry, kill: Sylvain, Annette, and Ingrid.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **That sure is a strong start

**so basically, im babey: **oooo!!! good one, mercie!!! :O

**emotional support twink: **kiss sylvain. marry annette. kill ingrid.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **that's fair

**haha just kidding... unless?: **WHY ARE YOU MARRYING ANNETTE AND NOT ME

**so basically, im babey: **😄😄😄😄😄

**emotional support twink: **she's annette.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **YEAH AND IM YOUr

**haha just kidding... unless?: **,

**sexy owo: **oho

**sexy uwu: **oho indeed

**girljs: **your his what sylvain ;))))))))

**haha just kidding... unless?: **im your gggggggggggggggood pal sylvain!

**girljs: **hhabndfbgsSDGHFDSH NICE SAVE

**sexy owo: **you heard him felix. hes your gggggggggggood pal sylvain!

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **what are you acting so suspicious about, sylvain?

**haha just kidding... unless?: **N………...NOTHING

**emotional support twink: **ashe. kiss, marry, kill: caspar, linhardt, ferdinand

**oovoo javer: **oh, no, that's a tough one!

**oovoo javer: **uh… well, marry caspar, i think!

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **hell yeah bro

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **we'll adopt so many pet cats

**oovoo javer: **then, um…

**oovoo javer: **i really don't want to kill anyone, but i guess, kill linhardt, kiss ferdinand..? sorry!!

**sleepy bitch disease: **thats fair

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **Don't apologise, Ashe! You have good taste :)

**oovoo javer: **uh caspar!! kiss, marry, kill: linhardt, felix, claude?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **well marry linhardt DUH

**girljs: **smooth

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **what?? i just meant cos hes my best friend

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Haha, sure

**sexy owo: **how does it feel to be friendzoned linhardt

**sleepy bitch disease: **so painful, whatever will i do

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **You guys! No teasing! Just play the game, please?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **RIGHT RIGHT

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **kiss claude, kill felix?

**sexy owo: **nice

**emotional support twink: **i'll take it.

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **SYLVAIN kiss marry kill: hubert felix lorenz

**haha just kidding... unless?: **oh GOD

**emotional support twink: **why is my name coming up so much?

**haha just kidding... unless?: **well i guess

**haha just kidding... unless?: **marry felix because we're SUCH good pals

**girljs: **yall aint slick

**sexy owo: **just guys bein dudes :)

**haha just kidding... unless?: **kiss. lorenz?

**haha just kidding... unless?: **i just feel like hubert isnt entirely human and if i kissed him i could be cursed for eternity or something

**haha just kidding... unless?: **SO. kill hubert. sorry rat man

**edelgard's side bitch: **Thank god.

**haha just kidding… unless?: **moving on

**haha just kidding… unless?: **DIMITRI

**haha just kidding… unless?: **kiss marry kill: me, ingrid, felix

**extra cheesy: **oh, god.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **why do you do this to him. hasn't he suffered enough

**emotional support twink: **please kill me.

**extra cheesy: **um

**extra cheesy: **well uh. i guess kill felix? not because i want to, but he asked…

**emotional support twink: **thank god.

**extra cheesy: **and, uh… marry ingrid, kiss sylvain?

**haha just kidding… unless?: **😘😘😘😘😘

**sexy owo: **watch urself sylvain thats my mans

**haha just kidding… unless?: **hHAHSDFGHASDFG IM SORRY I WAS KIDDING

**extra cheesy: **so, it's my turn now, correct?

**oovoo javer: **yup, it is!!

**extra cheesy: **ah… edelgard? kiss, marry, kill: constance, ferdinand, lorenz?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **oh, dear. that is a difficult one.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **i suppose it goes without saying that i'd kill lorenz.

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **i would expect nothing less.

**sexy owo: **hes just accepted his fate at this point

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **and i guess… kiss constance, marry ferdinand? only because i don't want to kiss ferdinand.

***poof* ur a little bitch: **That's very fair!

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **I'll take it as a compliment!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **hm. claude?

**sexy owo: **sup

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **kiss, marry, kill: lorenz, leonie, hilda.

**sexy owo: **nice

**sexy owo: **ill marry hilda for the political advantage. also bc we vibing

**sexy uwu: **sounds good bro

**sexy owo: **kill lorenz without hesitation

**lorenz the wig snatcher: **we all saw that coming.

**sexy owo: **soo that leaves kiss leonie

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **As long as lorenz is dead, I'm happy

**sexy owo: **;)))

**sexy owo: **hilda

**sexy owo: **kiss, marry, hold hands with: marianne, marianne, marianne

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **h,, huh??

**sexy uwu: **hmm let me see

**sexy uwu: **i think i will kill claude

**sexy uwu: **and then hold mariannes hand 😌

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: **ahh,, thats nice ;;

**sexy owo: **u know what???? this is PROGRESS

**girljs: **character development

**sexy uwu: **thea!!! kiss marry kill: me, ingrid, petra

**girljs: **hm i think i shall kiss u, marry petra AND ingrid, kill sylvain

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **good answer

**haha just kidding... unless?: **WHAT THE HELL

**girljs: **constance!! kiss mary kill yuri, hapi, balthus

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Ohoho! That is an easy one.

**sexy uwu: **we're back to 'ohoho' huh

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Kiss Hapi, marry Yuri, kill Balthus.

**STRONK: **man i knew she was gonna say it but im still offended

**eyeliner on point: **huh. why marry me, and not hapi?

***poof* ur a little bitch: **That's quite simple! I like your cooking.

***poof* ur a little bitch: **You can stay home and cook for me while I go out and work towards restoring House Nuvelle!

**eyeliner on point: **wow. that's a super tempting offer, but i'll have to pass.

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Your loss!

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Mercedes! Kiss, marry, kill: Rhea, Byleth, Seteth.

**sexy uwu: **hhahjDFSGADGDHS

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Oh, dear..

**girljs: **CONSTANCE I BOTH LOVE AND HATE YOU

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **great. its only been like three minutes and we've already said s*teth again.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Um… well, I can't imagine kissing Rhea or Seteth, so kiss Byleth, I suppose?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **And… marry Rhea?

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **So, I guess I'll kill Seteth.

**sexy owo: **a bold declaration

**girljs: **i see you have chosen to fight god himself

**spill the tea kween is online.**

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **oh thank god. the professors here. can we please stop with these games now

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Ah, you're right! Now seems like a good time to stop.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Hello, Professor Byleth!

**spill the tea kween: **Hello, Mercedes, everyone. I see we have some new arrivals in the chat.

**eyeliner on point: **oh, are you these kids' teacher?

**sleepy bitch disease: **'these kids' man we're like two years younger than you 

**spill the tea kween: **Yes, I'm their professor. I'm guessing you're not a student here?

**eyeliner on point: **nope. the others and i are just your friendly neighbourhood basement-dwellers ;)

**spill the tea kween: **That's nice. I'll have to come visit your basement city, one day.

**eyeliner on point: **as long as you don't cause any trouble, you're more than welcome to, friend.

**lesbbsbianism: **one of us (one of us) ((one of us))

**sexy uwu: **i like that byleth doesnt even question the concept of a wholeass underground city beneath the school she works at

**spill the tea kween: **Trust me, I've seen weirder.

**spill the tea kween: **Anyways, I noticed you all were discussing my age yesterday.

**sexy owo: **omg teach do you backread our text logs

**spill the tea kween: **Yes, they're very entertaining. Watching Seteth say 'swag' is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

**sexy owo: **teach?? expressing emotion??? what year is it

**spill the tea kween: **If you need to know the date, Claude, I'm sure you can check it on your phone.

**sexy owo: **see THERES the teach we all know and love

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **professor, is there any reason as to why you're bringing this up now?

**spill the tea kween: **Hm, I guess it just got me thinking.

**spill the tea kween: **I wouldn't consider myself a very private person, but I realise you lot don't actually know much about me at all.

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **We know plenty about you already, Professor! Right, everyone?

**so basically, im babey: **yeah!!! we know that

**so basically, im babey: **UH

**emotional support twink: **she likes to fish.

**so basically, im babey: **YOU LIKE TO FISH

**emotional support twink: **she has blue hair.

**so basically, im babey: **YOU HAVE BLUE HAIR

**emotional support twink: **she has a sword.

**so basically, im babey: **YOU HAVE A SWORD

**sleepy bitch disease: **annette and felix coming in w that fantastic teamwork

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Jeralt's last name is Eisner, so that's probably the professor's last name too?

**sleepy bitch disease: **leonie coming in w that unnecessary jeralt-related fact

**eyeliner on point: **that went downhill, fast.

**spill the tea kween: **Well, I'm glad you're all aware of one of my hobbies, my hair color, my choice in weapon, and my last name.

**haha just kidding... unless?: **hey you could make a solid tinder profile with just those four facts

**oovoo javer: **i guess we really dont know a lot about the professors personal life at all, huh?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **well, she is our teacher. do any of you know many details about seteth's personal life?

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **can we just ban seteths fucking name in the group chat once and for all please im begging all of you

**lesbbsbianism: **whos seteth?

**girljs: **PLEASE dont ask

**say goodbye to your kneecaps asshole: **s*teth

**sexy owo: **okay yeah shes our teacher but shes the COOL teacher so shes our bro

**sexy owo: **right teach??

**spill the tea kween: **I don't really know how to respond to that. If you lot would like to know more about me, you can just ask, you know?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **hm. well, i guess we don't know much about your family. can you tell us about them?

**sleepy bitch disease: **how creative

**spill the tea kween: **Well, you all already know about my father.

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **We're texting and yet somehow I feel everyone staring into my soul

**sexy owo: **(leonie voice) jeralt

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **(leonie voice) die

**spill the tea kween: **Hm, I guess the easiest way I can tell you about my family would be to add my brother to this chat.

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **Oh? You have a brother?

**sexy uwu: **we learn more every day

**spill the tea kween: **Yes, I have a brother. His name is Byleth.

**sexy owo: **t

**sexy owo: **thats your name teach

**girljs: **has the professor finally lost it. did she hallucinate a brother

**spill the tea kween: **No, he's quite real. Our father named both of us Byleth.

**spill the tea kween: **Or, more specifically, one of us was Byleth One and the other was Byleth Two. We just never figured out which was which.

**spill the tea kween: **As we got older it got awkward to introduce ourselves as "Byleth One" or "Byleth Two", so we just both go by Byleth now.

**spill the tea kween: **But if it makes it easier for you guys to remember, you can call him something stupid like Mr. Byleth or Sir Byleth.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **s

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **sir byleth

**spill the tea kween: **Nevermind, that sounds awful, don't call him Sir Byleth. Mr. Byleth is alright, though.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **gotcha

**sexy owo: **im gonna call him sir byleth

**girljs: **we're all gonna call him sir byleth, claude

**haha just kidding… unless?: **damn right we are

**spill the tea kween: **I should have seen that coming.

**spill the tea kween: **Well, here goes.

**spill the tea kween has added spill the fish king to the chat.**

**spill the fish king: **Hey kids.

**i'm not like other girls ✨ i'm worse ✨: **hello sir byleth

**sexy owo: **hello sir byleth

**girljs: **hello sir byleth

**extra cheesy: **hello sir byleth?

**deathknightdestroyer69: **hi Sir byleth

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Hello, Sir Byleth!

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **Sup sir byleth

**sexy uwu: **hello sir byleth

**spill the fish king: **Byleth, what is this?

**spill the tea kween: **My students, Byleth. You'll get used to them eventually.

**sexy owo: **two of them

**sexy uwu: **TWO OF THEM

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **Sir Byleth! I am Ferdinand von Aegir, and it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

**spill the fish king: **Hi?

**girljs: **i miss the old ferdie

***ferdinand voice* i am FISH FILLET VORE AEROPLANE: **Do not fear, Dorothea! The old Ferdinand von Aegir is ever-present in all of us. He will never truly be gone!

**girljs: **WHGAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

**eyeliner on point: **heya, sir byleth

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Greetings, Sir Byleth!

**lesbbsbianism: **hi sir byleth

**STRONK: **SUP sir byleth

**spill the fish king: **Are those more of your students, Byleth?

**spill the tea kween: **No, Byleth. I'm not actually sure who they are.

**sexy uwu: **RATS RATS THEY ARE THE RATS

**lesbbsbianism: **^^^^^^

**spill the fish king: **And what does that mean, exactly?

**eyeliner on point: **you know, just the usual. underground city beneath the school.

**girljs: **dont think too hard about it. we're all still processing

**spill the fish king: **Got it.

**spill the fish king: **Well, I have to head out now. But I'm staying at Garreg Mach for a short while, so I'm sure I'll see you all around.

**so basically, im babey: **see ya sir byleth!!!

**🙏✨ But are you verified in the eyes of God? ✨🙏: **Goodbye, Sir Byleth!

**haha just kidding... unless?: **BYE SIR BYLETH

***poof* ur a little bitch: **Farewell, Sir Byleth!

**girljs: **gbye sir byleth!!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **goodbye, sir byleth.

**sexy owo: **CYA SIR BYLETH

**sexy uwu: **BYE SIR BYLETH

**extra cheesy: **see you around, sir byleth!

**j-jeraldt senpai!!! >w<: **bye sir Byleth!

**oovoo javer: **bye sir byleth!

**spill the fish king is offline.**

**sexy owo: **what a legend

**sexy uwu: **we STAN sir byleth in this house

  
  
  


**[ DM: spill the fish king -> spill the tea kween - 4:29 PM ]**

**spill the fish king: **So, there's an underground city under the school?

**spill the tea kween: **Sure seems like it.

**spill the fish king: **Don't you think we should look into that?

**spill the tea kween: **You're not even a teacher here.

**spill the fish king: **You're always saying you have too many students to watch over.

**spill the fish king: **Give me like six of them and we can investigate the underground city for you.

**spill the tea kween: **Only six?

**spill the fish king: **Six is pushing it.

**spill the fish king: **I don't want to be responsible for too many of your students. They seem like a handful.

**spill the tea kween: **That's fair. Which six do you want?

**spill the fish king: **Can I take the house leaders?

**spill the tea kween: **Why them?

**spill the fish king: **They're color-coded. So it's easier to remember their names.

**spill the tea kween: **That's fair. But there's only three of them, not six.

**spill the fish king: **Okay, those three, and then three more at random.

**spill the tea kween: **Sure, that works.

**spill the tea kween: **Don't get my students killed, Byleth.

**spill the fish king: **No promises, Byleth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BATHOLST NATION WHERE WE AT
> 
> so, i lied, jeritza isnt here ((yet)). i wanted to add him but dear god this chapter was way longer than i was expecting it to be JFDSDHSDFGHJ but the last one was less than 5k words so??? it evens out in the end SDFGJDS anyways i hope this chapter was alright!! id say it was a filler chapter but can you really have filler if your whole fic doesnt have a plot in the first place??
> 
> as always, my twitter is @springbutbetter! i havent been super active there lately but please feel free to shoot me a dm if you wanna chat!! and as always thank you all so much for the lovely comments and kudos <33


	14. rats. thats it thats the chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sexy uwu:** everything hurts
> 
> **sexy uwu:** feeling has not returned to my legs
> 
> **sexy uwu:** if these are my last moments
> 
> **sexy owo:** tell mari you love her?
> 
> **sexy uwu:** NO I WAS GONNA SAY "TELL HOLST HES GAY"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spoilers for cindered shadows!!

**[ abyss team - 10:32 AM ]**

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe has added six people to the chat.**

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i presume the professor has informed you all of the plan?

**extra cheesy: ** she did, yes!

**sexy owo: ** yah YEET

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'll take that as a yes, claude.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i believe the professor and her brother met up with the abyssians yesterday to talk through the plan with them. as for the rest of us, let's try to make a good first impression, alright?

**oovoo javer: ** i know this is an imporant mission and all, but i can't help being excited to visit abyss! it's… almost like something out of a book, haha

**extra cheesy: ** don't worry, ashe, i'm excited too! i'm glad we can try to help the people of abyss.

**sexy uwu: ** MAAAAAN usually id complain about having to do work but this is better than classes!! its gonna suck being away from our friends for so long though :(((

**sexy owo: ** yes it will be a challenge for you to be away from marianne for so long wont it

**sexy uwu: ** SHUT UP CLAUDE

**sleepy bitch disease: ** what is this

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** oh, boy.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** linhardt, you did read the professor's message, didn't you?

**sleepy bitch disease: ** i skimmed it

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ugh. i'll go over the basic rules, then.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** we aren't supposed to contact anyone outside of ourselves, the people of abyss, and sir byleth.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** the point of this investigation is to try and figure out how we can help the people down here without causing too much of a fuss. we don't want to get the knights or the church involved- not yet, at least.

**sleepy bitch disease: ** why was i chosen for this?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** hell if i know.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** let's do our best, everyone. and try not to cause sir byleth too much trouble.

  
  
  


**[ DM: spill the fish king -> spill the tea kween - 10:49 AM ]**

**spill the fish king: ** So, explain your choice of students to me once more?

**spill the tea kween: ** Got it.

**spill the tea kween: ** Edelgard is the Black Eagle's leader. Dimitri is the Blue Lion's leader. Claude is the Golden Deer's leader.

**spill the tea kween: ** Also with you are Ashe, Hilda, and Linhardt.

**spill the tea kween: ** Hilda because she knows Balthus, and because she and Claude make a good team.

**spill the tea kween: ** That being said, those two can and will cause trouble if you aren't careful. Just make sure to watch out for them.

**spill the tea kween: ** I think Ashe is familiar with Yuri. And he's also an angel, so he'll be easy for you to manage.

**spill the tea kween: ** Linhardt is… well, either super easy to look out for or your worst nightmare. Depends when and where he falls asleep.

**spill the tea kween: ** If you need help with anything, ask Claude first. He's probably the smartest. If his advice sucks, ask Edelgard. On the rare occasion that neither of their advice is helpful, you can try Dimitri.

**spill the fish king: ** Yup. I'll definitely need help.

**spill the tea kween: ** Great. I'm glad you're confident.

  
  
  


**[ DM: girljs -> Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe - 10:56 AM ]**

**girljs: ** EDIEEEEE im gonna miss you so much :(((

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'll miss you too. but it'll hopefully be a few weeks at most.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** make sure hubert doesn't kill anyone while i'm gone, alright?

**girljs: ** ill do my very best!! but no promises

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** haha. thank you, dorothea.

**girljs: ** hey youre gonna be okay right??

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** what do you mean?

**girljs: ** like.. being underground??

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** oh, right.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'll be fine, i'm sure. i have to be.

**girljs: ** edie :((

**girljs: ** promise me you wont push yourself to do anything that upsets you, okay??

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** everyone has to go out of their comfort zone once in a while.

**girljs: ** edie

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** alright, alright. i promise.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i love you, dorothea. thank you for looking out for me.

**girljs: ** i love you too!! good luck!!!

  
  
  


**[ DM: i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵 -> sexy uwu - 11:24 AM ]**

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: ** ahh, hilda!! i um just wanted to say

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: ** good lluck in abyss,,!! ii hope you guyys find out something helpful

**sexy uwu: ** maaan me too!! itll suck if this whole mission turns out to be a big waste of time huh :((

**sexy uwu: ** ill miss you mari!!! lets hang out a lot when i get back to make up for missed time alright??

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: ** oh !! i would like that very much,, ;;

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: ** i'll,, um i'll miss you too!!

**i wwant a horse girl who go to horse 🎵 and read her horse 🎵: ** 💖

**sexy uwu: ** 💖

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy owo -> sexy uwu - 11:27 AM ]**

**sexy owo: ** ohohohoho

**sexy owo: ** what do you look so happy about on this fine day, miss hilda??? ;))

**sexy uwu: ** NOTHING………………………..

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy owo -> extra cheesy - 11:32 AM ]**

**sexy owo: ** are u ready for a sewer date babe

**extra cheesy: ** ...a what?

**sexy owo: ** date in the sewers. rats for dinner. fine dining at its finest

**extra cheesy: ** claude, with all due love and respect, that sounds horrible.

**extra cheesy: ** but… any time spent with you is lovely, so as long as we don't eat any rats, i'm looking forward to our sewer date. :)

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy uwu -> sexy owo - 11:34 AM ]**

**sexy uwu: ** OHOHOHOHO WHAT DO YOU LOOK SO HAPPY ABOUT ON THIS FINE DAY MR CLAUDE

**sexy owo: ** N……………….NOTHING………………………………….

  
  
  


**[ rats rats we are the rats - 11:52 AM ]**

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** Run it by me again why you believe this to be such a good idea?

**eyeliner on point: ** don't misquote me, i never said it was a good idea. i simply said it was worth a shot.

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** Which means you think it's a good idea!

**eyeliner on point: ** not necessarily. i just think it has potential. besides, why should we turn away people willing to help us?

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** Just yesterday you were saying you don't want any of those nobles sniffing around down here! What made you change your mind so suddenly?!

**STRONK: ** probably the sight of the professors cute brother LOOOL

**eyeliner on point: ** shut it, you.

**eyeliner on point: ** it's true, i don't want more people poking around abyss than necessary.

**eyeliner on point: ** but they are offering to help. and we have more to gain from this than we do to lose. is that good enough of an explanation for you, constance? :)

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** Hmph.

**lesbbsbianism: ** we let linhardt down here all the time, anyways, and you dont have a problem with him

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** That's ONE Linhardt. There's going to be seven of them coming down here!

**STRONK: ** seven linhardts?

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** What? No, seven people. Only one of them is Linhardt.

***poof* ur a little bitch:** Do you have the slightest clue what's going on right now, Balthus?

**STRONK: ** haha nope

**lesbbsbianism: ** theyre getting just after 12, right? we should get ready to greet them

**eyeliner on point: ** yes, we should. let's all gather at the gate. balthus, i'll tell you what's going on when we get there.

  
  
  


**[ abyss team - 11:55 AM ]**

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe has added spill the fish king to the chat.**

**spill the fish king: ** Hope you're all ready to go, we're leaving in five minutes.

**sexy owo: ** hello to you too sir byleth

**spill the fish king: ** Really, you can just call me Byleth.

**sexy owo: ** ah but 'sir byleth' has such a charming ring to it

**spill the fish king: ** ...If you say so?

**spill the fish king: ** Anyways, meet me by the entrance hall, all of you. We're heading out.

**sexy uwu: ** ALRIGHT G IM BOUTTA HEAD OUT

**sexy owo: ** LETS GET THIS BREAD

  
  
  


**[ rats rats we are the rats - 1:42 PM ]**

**eyeliner on point: ** still skeptical after that meeting, constance?

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** Very much so! I dare say they've chosen an unusual array of students to help us out.

**lesbbsbianism: ** mhm. im sure u wouldnt be complaining if they brought mercedes along

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** I cannot deny that. She would likely be of more help than the six they presented us with.

**eyeliner on point: ** you only just met them. how are you so judgmental already?

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** Don't even get me started on you! I doubt you even heard a word of that meeting, considering how hard you were staring at 'Sir Byleth', or whatever it was they called him.

**eyeliner on point: ** what can i say? i'm a man who appreciates beauty ;)

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** You're insufferable, you hear me? Insufferable.

**STRONK: ** yeah sorry boss im with constance on this one

**eyeliner on point: ** don't you start. i've had to put up with you gushing about holst goneril for years, balthus.

**STRONK: ** WHAT CAN I SAY.. IM A MAN WHO APPRECIATES BEAUTY…...

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** I hate both of you! So much!

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** Hapi, be a dear and come to the dorms so that I can express my distate for these two fools.

**lesbbsbianism: ** sure thing, coco. ill be there in five

**eyeliner on point: ** ah, friendship. how i treasure it.

  
  
  


**[ the greatest crossover event in history - 2:00 PM ]**

**eyeliner on point has added ten people to the chat.**

**eyeliner on point: ** well, friends, i figured we could use a chatroom with the lot of us. just in case anyone has an important message to share.

**eyeliner on point: ** just to recap for anyone who's already forgotten (or for those who may have been asleep at the meeting- linhardt), the current situation in abyss is that we've had multiple mercenaries attempt to raid the underground.

**eyeliner on point: ** we're not entirely sure what they're after, but their attacks are too coordinated and too consistent to just be any old thieves.

**eyeliner on point: ** while we figure out their true intentions, you students have the enviable job of being a meatshield in case we get attacked again, since most of the people down here can't defend themselves. :)

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** a… meatshield? how flattering.

**sleepy bitch disease: ** i'm all for being a meatshield. all you have to do is stand there and get stabbed. dont even have to be awake

**eyeliner on point: ** i'm glad you're enthusiastic!

  
  
  


**[ DM: STRONK -> sexy uwu - 3:51 PM ]**

**STRONK: ** so

**sexy uwu: ** sooooooooooo?

**STRONK: ** uh. hows holst doing?

**sexy uwu: ** oh, awfully. every night he sits by this bigass window and cries "ohhhh balthus where did you gooo im so lost without youuuu please come homeeee"

**STRONK: ** WAIT WHAT

**sexy uwu: ** IM KIDDING RELAX

**sexy uwu: ** did u rlly fall for that

**STRONK: ** no

**sexy uwu: ** haha liar

**sexy uwu: ** are you two still dating?? ooooooooor

**STRONK: ** damn good question

**sexy uwu: ** youre fucking hopeless you know that

**STRONK: ** WELL we never officially broke up

**STRONK: ** i didnt know how long i would be gone. i definitely didnt expect it to be this long haha

**STRONK: ** i wouldnt blame him if hes moved on already

**sexy uwu: ** oh buddy. he definitely has not moved on

**STRONK: ** ah fuck

**sexy uwu: ** wait 

**sexy uwu: ** have YOU moved on???

**STRONK: ** NO OF COURSE NOT

**STRONK: ** i mean

**STRONK: ** no

**sexy uwu: ** smooth

  
  
  


**[ the greatest crossover event in history - 4:23 PM ]**

**lesbbsbianism: ** why do i hear screaming?

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** It's been less than a day, and there's already an issue, hm?

**eyeliner on point: ** now, now, constance. people scream down here all the time. we don't know if our new friends are to blame for this, no?

**sleepy bitch disease: ** we are to blame, actually. that's hilda screaming

**STRONK: ** AH shit. is she okay??

**STRONK: ** holst will LITERALLY kill me if something happens to her

**sexy owo is online.**

**sexy owo: ** DO NOT FEAR MY FRIENDS

**sexy owo: ** hilda is doing just fine :) she is just making some new friends

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ...why do i not like the sound of that. what are you doing?

**sexy uwu is online.**

**sexy uwu: ** WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING RATSSSSS

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** there's… what.

**eyeliner on point: ** oh, so you've finally met them, have you?

**lesbbsbianism: ** we like to name them

**sexy uwu: ** CLAUDE IS THROWING RATS AT ME

**sexy uwu: ** @spill the fish king SIR BYLETHHHH TELL HIM TO STOP THROWING RATS AT MEE

**spill the fish king: ** ...Would that work? I'm pretty sure I don't have any power over Claude.

**sexy owo: ** this guy gets it

**sleepy bitch disease: ** can i name the rats?

**eyeliner on point: ** of course, go ahead. naming rats is our favorite bonding activity down here :)

**STRONK: ** just dont get too attached to them because we DO eat them

**oovoo javer: ** you… you what??

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** Do not listen to him! We do not eat the rats. Nor do we name them.

**STRONK: ** we cook em up once a week and have a grand feast

**oovoo javer: ** what did the rats do to deserve that!!

**sexy uwu: ** IF COOKING AND EATING THEM STOPS CLAUDE FROM THROWING THEM AT ME THEN IM ALL FOR IT

**oovoo javer: ** no! please dont do that!!

**sleepy bitch disease: ** dont throw them, or dont cook them?

**oovoo javer: ** preferably neither!!

**STRONK: ** MMMM STEAMED RATS DELICIOUS

**oovoo javer: ** NO!!!!!

**sexy uwu: ** SHUT UP ABOUT COOKIGN THE RATS IM BEING ATTACKED

**sexy uwu:** I NEED BACKUP

**sexy owo: ** EMBRACE YOUR NEWFOUND TITLE AS THE RAT QUEEN HILDA

  
  
  


**[ DM: spill the tea kween -> spill the fish king - 5:01 PM ]**

**spill the tea kween: ** Found out anything useful so far?

**spill the fish king: ** I have, actually.

**spill the tea kween: ** Oh, good. Do tell me.

**spill the fish king: ** Edelgard is very scared of rats.

**spill the fish king:** Claude is remarkably good at catching rats, and at throwing them.

**spill the fish king: ** Hilda and Constance scream when they get rats thrown at them.

**spill the fish king: ** Linhardt enjoys naming the rats. He named one after me.

**spill the fish king: ** ...Wait, actually he might have named it after you. I'll have to ask him.

**spill the fish king: ** He also named one after Caspar. I'm not entirely sure who that is, but Linhardt seemed fond of him.

**spill the fish king: ** Balthus talks about eating the rats a lot, but he doesn't seem to be very good at catching them, so I don't think we'll be eating rats anytime soon.

**spill the fish king: ** Ashe doesn't like it when Balthus talks about eating rats. He says that would be cruel.

**spill the tea kween: ** ...Byleth. Do you have anything non rat-related to tell me.

**spill the fish king: ** Oh, yes.

**spill the tea kween: ** Thank god. What is it?

**spill the fish king: ** Yuri is beautiful. And he winked at me one time. I think I'm in love.

  
  
  


**[ DM: spill the tea kween -> sexy owo - 5:05 PM ]**

**spill the tea kween: ** Claude, how would you like to be promoted to the leader of this investigation? I've recently discovered my brother is hopeless.

**sexy owo: ** SORRY TEAHC CANTTALK RN

**spill the tea kween: ** ...Why not.

**sexy owo: ** LONG TSTORY

**sexy owo: ** HANDS FULL OF RATS

**spill the tea kween: ** Forget I said anything.

  
  
  


**[ the pokemon go teams except sexier - 5:16 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** heeeey edelgard

**sexy owo: ** im sorry for throwing rats at you please come out of hiding

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** only if you promise not to bring any more of those rodents anywhere near me.

**sexy owo: ** GOTCHA

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** thank you.

**extra cheesy: ** ...are you alright, edelgard? you seemed… very unsettled by all the rats- moreso than i would have expected.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** you must have been imagining things.

**sexy owo: ** edelgard we're all friends here!! we arent gonna judge you for being scared of rats

**extra cheesy: ** yes, of course. though, if you don't mind me asking, why exactly do you hate them so much?..

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'm just not fond of them. no particular reason as to why.

**sexy owo: ** damn i wouldve thought youd be familiar with rats considering how much time u spend with hubert

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ha ha. very funny.

**extra cheesy: ** edelgard, if you aren't comfortable down here, you can always ask to return to the others. i'm sure the professor will understand.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** really, thank you for your concern, but i'm fine.

  
  
  


**[ DM: spill the fish king -> spill the tea kween - 5:51 PM ]**

**spill the fish king: ** Byleth. I have another update.

**spill the tea kween: ** Oh, good. Please tell me it's something useful this time.

**spill the fish king: ** Don't worry, it is.

**spill the fish king: ** I asked Linhardt and he said he was naming the rat after me, not you. But he said he would name one after you as well. Now there are two rats named Byleth.

**spill the tea kween: ** Remind me why I trusted you with this mission in the first place?

  
  
  


**[ the greatest crossover event in history - 8:23 PM ]**

**sexy uwu: ** is it night time yet

**sexy uwu: ** i cant tell what time it is down here. its. its scary

**sexy owo: ** hilda

**sexy owo: ** your phone shows the time

**sexy uwu: ** ,

**sexy uwu: ** HOLY SHIT

**oovoo javer: ** did you… only just realise that?

**sexy uwu: ** DONT JUDGE ME IM DOING MY BEST

**sleepy bitch disease: ** great thing about abyss is you can never tell what time it is so you can sleep whenever you want

**sleepy bitch disease: ** "whenever you want" in this case meaning "always"

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** that… shouldn't be how it works.

**eyeliner on point: ** nah, linhardt's right. no sun means no sense of time.

**sleepy bitch disease: ** :)

**sexy uwu: ** dope

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** even so, we should try and make the most of our time here.

**sexy owo: ** youre absolutely right edelgard

**sexy owo: ** we should play a GAME

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** that's… not what i meant.

**sexy owo: ** HIDE AND SEEK IN THE UNDERGROUND LETS GO

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** this is really not what i meant.

**sexy owo: ** GET HIDING EDELGARD IM COUNTING

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** what? i didn't agree to this.

**sexy owo: ** WINNER GETS THE OFFICIAL TITLE OF COOLEST HOUSE LEADER

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** screw it, fine.

**sexy owo: ** ok i cant believe that fuckinf worked

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** Aren't you all a bit old to be playing hide and seek?

**sexy uwu: ** are u saying you arent gonna play constance??

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** No, of course I'm playing.

**sexy uwu: ** THATS WHAT WE LIKE TO HEAR

**STRONK: ** man i hate this game

**oovoo javer: ** whys that, balthus??

**STRONK: ** too swole. cant hide all my abs

**lesbbsbianism: ** and, you know. can't hide any other part of your body either. not just your abs

**STRONK: ** ur rlly just gonna stomp on my pride and dignity like that huh hapi

**sexy owo: ** ALL OF YOU SHUT UP AND HIDE

  
  
  


**[ the greatest crossover event in history - 8:46 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** okay what the fuck

**sexy owo: ** how are you all so good at hiding

**sexy owo: ** only person ive found so far is dimitri and he didnt even realise we were playing

**extra cheesy: ** my bad. i'll do better next round, i swear!

**sexy uwu: ** claude if you want i can come out and help you look

**sexy owo: ** I DONT WANT YOUR PITY HILDA

  
  
  


**[ the greatest crossover event in history - 9:12 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** OKAY SERIOUSLY WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** it'd ruin the fun if we told you, right?

  
  
  


**[ the greatest crossover event in history - 9:39 PM ]**

**extra cheesy: ** claude is lying on the floor. i think he's given up?

**sexy uwu: ** TELL HIM TO GET HIS ASS IN GEAR AND COME FIND EVERYONE

**lesbbsbianism: ** why do i get the feeling this isn't how this game is supposed to be played

  
  
  


**[ the greatest crossover event in history - 10:25 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** youre killing me. all of you are killing me. if i didnt have dima here supporting me through these troubling times i would have already dropped dead

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** Are you not the one who suggested this game in the first place?

**sexy owo: ** YOURE KILLING ME CONSTANCE

  
  
  


**[ the greatest crossover event in history - 11:43 PM ]**

**extra cheesy: ** i swear, we've looked everywhere. multiple times. i must say, you're all very good at this game! good work!

**sexy owo: ** DONT COMPLIMENT THE ENEMY DIMA

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy uwu -> Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe - 12:09 AM ]**

**sexy uwu: ** how is it that they managed to miss the one (1) closet we're all hiding in

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i think the real question is how did we all manage to fit in here.

**sexy uwu: ** i cant feel my legs

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** that's not a good thing.

  
  
  


**[ DM: spill the fish king -> Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe - 12:20 AM ]**

**spill the fish king: ** Does this game usually last this long?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** no, it doesn't. i really would have thought claude would have found us by now.

  
  
  


**[ DM: extra cheesy -> sexy owo - 1:03 AM ]**

**extra cheesy: ** don't you think it's about time we told them?

**sexy owo: ** nahhh i wanna see how long it takes them to realise

**extra cheesy: ** claude, they must all be very uncomfortable in there… one closet isn't nearly enough space for nine people.

**sexy owo: ** EXACTLY… THEY WILL SUFFER FOR EVER THINKING THEY COULD BEST ME AT HIDE AND SEEK….

**extra cheesy: ** alright, you're getting way too into this. i'm letting them out.

**sexy owo: ** HHAHJDFGADSGD DIMA NOOO

  
  
  


**[ the greatest crossover event in history - 1:07 AM ]**

**sexy uwu: ** YOU MEAN TO TELL ME

**sexy uwu: ** YOU KNEW WE WERE IN THERE

**sexy uwu: ** AND JUST LET ALL NINE OF US STAY CRAMPED IN A FUCKING CLOSET

**sexy uwu: ** FOR NEARLY???? FIVE HOURS?????

**sexy owo: ** THATS HOW YOU WIN HIDE AND SEEK BABEYYYY

  
  
  


**[ the greatest crossover event in history - 7:43 AM ]**

**eyeliner on point: ** good morning, friends! i hope we all had a long, refreshing sleep :)

**sexy uwu: ** everything hurts

**sexy uwu: ** feeling has not returned to my legs

**sexy uwu: ** if these are my last moments

**sexy owo: ** tell mari you love her?

**sexy uwu: ** NO I WAS GONNA SAY "TELL HOLST HES GAY"

**sexy owo: ** ah that adds up

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** i'm with hilda on this one. my shoulders are so sore. why did we think it was a good idea to all hide in the same closet? 

**STRONK: ** we didnt think the game would go for five hours thats why

**sleepy bitch disease: ** i don't know what you're all complaining about. i had a great sleep

**oovoo javer: ** linhardt, you could probably sleep anywhere.. i guess you're like a cat in that sense!

**sexy uwu: ** maybe thats why caspars so attached to him!!!

**sleepy bitch disease: ** haha, very funny

**eyeliner on point: ** this is adorable to watch, really, but unfortunately we have more important things to discuss.

**sexy uwu: ** ouch. imagine using words like 'important' or 'unfortunately' before 8am

**STRONK: ** sorry boss, hilda cant process words longer than two syllables before shes had her morning coffee

**sexy owo: ** get her ass

**sexy uwu: ** SHUT IT YOU

**eyeliner on point: ** unfortunately, hilda, we don't have great coffee down here. you'll have to make-do :)

**sexy uwu: ** im sure ill manage

**STRONK: ** yeah youll have to settle for rat juice

**oovoo javer: ** NOOO

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** Just when I thought the rat jokes were behind us...

**spill the fish king: ** Yuri, you said we have something important to discuss, correct? Let's all get back on track, we will talk about rats later.

**sexy owo: ** im holding you to that sir byleth. we WILL talk about rats

**eyeliner on point: ** right, right. what i wanted to say is that you'll all be meeting aelfric today.

**eyeliner on point: ** he's a pretty busy guy, so it's good that he's sparing some time to come meet you guys. be nice to him, alright?

**sexy owo: ** okay youve told us this but you still havent really told us who aelfric is

**lesbbsbianism: ** i'd say he's like our dad, but he really isnt. hes just kinda like a weird uncle

**sexy owo: ** that doesnt answer any of my questions thank you

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** He will be here around midday. Please, let us avoid any chaos until after he's left.

  
  
  


**[ DM: eyeliner on point -> spill the fish king - 1:12 PM ]**

**eyeliner on point: ** hey, friend. you doing alright?

**spill the fish king: ** Why wouldn't I be?

**eyeliner on point: ** perhaps it was just my imagination, but you seemed a little shaken after speaking with aelfric.

**spill the fish king: ** Not shaken, just confused. Not a lot of people are familiar with my parents, so it caught me off-guard when he mentioned them.

**spill the fish king: ** I'll have to talk to my sister about this.

**eyeliner on point: ** you sound like you have a lot to think about. might i suggest talking a walk to clear your head?

**spill the fish king: ** I might do just that.

**spill the fish king: ** Although, no offense, the scenery in Abyss isn't exactly the most calming view.

**eyeliner on point: ** aha, you're saying the broken tunnels and dead rats aren't doing it for you?

**spill the fish king: ** That's one way to put it.

**eyeliner on point: ** that's fair. how's this, then? i'll come with you, and you can just focus on me instead ;)

**spill the fish king: ** I'd like that, actually. Where should I meet you?

**eyeliner on point: ** you're adorable, you know that? i'll wait outside the inn.

**spill the fish king: ** I'll be right there.

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy owo -> extra cheesy - 1:17 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** sir byleth is SO whipped. are u seeing this dima

**extra cheesy: ** what does that mean, claude?

**sexy owo: ** it means these bitches gay!! good for them!!! good for them

**extra cheesy: ** ...what does that mean, claude??

  
  
  


**[ the pokemon go teams except sexier - 1:49 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** hello to both my darling boyfriend dimitri and my good pal edelgard

**extra cheesy: ** hello to you too, claude!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** hello, claude. what do you want?

**sexy owo: ** SO COLD…. EDIE I THOUGHT WE WERE PALS……...

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** 'edie'?

**sexy owo: ** oh dip am i not supposed to call you that

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** no, it's fine. it's just you've never called me by a nickname before, and that is the name dorothea uses for me.

**sexy owo: ** hmmm TRUE

**sexy owo: ** well my phone always wants to autocorrect 'edelgard' to 'edgelord' so i figured you needed a nickname

**sexy owo: ** also since we're such good pals now i just had to give you one ;))))

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ah. that's fair logic, i suppose.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** well, perhaps you could try just 'edel' instead?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** or 'el'. that might be easier to type.

**sexy owo: ** EL IT IS

**extra cheesy: ** oh! um

**extra cheesy: ** could i call you that too, edelgard?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** of course. go ahead, dimitri.

**extra cheesy: ** thank you very much, el!

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ahaha. i don't really know what you're thanking me for, but you're welcome, of course.

**sexy owo: ** MANN LOOK AT US

**sexy owo: ** THIS IS PEAK HOUSE LEADER SOLIDARITY

**extra cheesy: ** it really is! i'm… very glad to know both of you. i hope you know that.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** don't you two go getting all sentimental on me. i'm still supposed to be the third wheel here, after all.

**sexy owo: ** cmon el you love us

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: **ah, i suppose it can't hurt to say that… yes, you two are my friends. and i'm glad to have met you both, as well.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** :)

**sexy owo: ** THERE IT ISSS

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** anyways, did you want to ask us something, claude?

**sexy owo: ** OH RIGHT YES I DID

**sexy owo: ** did that aelfric guy's face look suspicious or was that just me

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ...what? i didn't notice anything off.

**extra cheesy: ** you're probably just imagining things, claude. he seemed fine?

**sexy owo: ** hm………… if u say so………………………..

  
  
  


**[ DM: sexy owo -> sexy uwu - 1:56 PM ]**

**sexy owo: ** his face was suspicious as fuck right

**sexy uwu: ** oh ABSOLUTELY that man has committed atrocities

**sexy owo: ** THANK GOD IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES IT

  
  
  


**[ the greatest crossover event in history - 2:03 PM ]**

**sleepy bitch disease: ** so if this 'chalice of beginnings' aelfric told us about can bring people back from the dead can it bring my minecraft wolf back

**sexy owo: ** now THATS what i call a galaxy brain

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** Even if we had the chalice in our possession- which we don't, mind you- we would NOT be using it to bring anyone's fake animals back. Right, Yuri?

**eyeliner on point: ** no i'm with linhardt on this one. i want to see what happens. :)

**sleepy bitch disease: ** :)

***poof* ur a little bitch: ** One day you will both have to answer directly to the goddess for your crimes and she may not be so merciful.

  
  
  


**[ DM: spill the fish king -> spill the tea kween - 2:29 PM ]**

**spill the fish king: ** Byleth. I think I've found something important.

**spill the tea kween: ** If this is rat-related, I'm going to kill you.

**spill the fish king: ** Don't worry, it isn't.

**spill the tea kween: ** Thank god. What is it?

**spill the fish king: ** So, this one guy has a very suspicious-looking face.

**spill the tea kween: ** Byleth.

**spill the tea kween: ** You can't accuse someone just because they look suspicious.

**spill the fish king: ** No, no, just look at him.

**spill the fish king: ** [ Attachment:  _ Aelfric_s_suspicious_face.png _ ]

**spill the tea kween: ** Holy shit you're right.

**spill the fish king: ** So, what do I do? Attack him?

**spill the tea kween: ** What? No.

**spill the tea kween: ** You're right, he definitely looks suspicious. But you still can't attack him.

**spill the fish king: ** Why not?

**spill the tea kween: ** I honestly don't know. School rules, or something. Just don't do it.

**spill the fish king: ** This school sucks.

**spill the tea kween: ** I know.

**spill the tea kween: ** But this IS a lead. Good work, Byleth. Anything else, or is that all?

**spill the fish king: ** Yes, actually, there's more.

**spill the fish king: ** Suspicious-face-guy said there's this cup thing underneath Abyss that can bring people back to life. Also, he knew our mother, and is willing to tell me about her.

**spill the tea kween: ** Byleth.

**spill the tea kween: ** Why on earth wouldn't you lead with that?

**spill the fish king: ** Didn't seem imporant.

**spill the tea kween: ** Oh my god.

**spill the fish king: ** Anyways. There was just one other thing I needed to ask you about.

**spill the tea kween: ** If it's about Yuri, I don't want to hear it.

  
  
  


**[ DM: spill the fish king -> Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe - 3:12 PM ]**

**spill the fish king: ** Edelgard. How well-versed are you on the topic of relationships?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** as in, romantic ones? i am in one, so i can say i'm familiar with the subject.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** why? do you need help with something?

**spill the fish king: ** Yes. Byleth told me if I messaged her about it again, she would kill me.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** good to know. well, i can… try to give some advice?

**spill the fish king: ** Great.

**spill the fish king: ** Hypothetically speaking, if you were interested in someone and they referred to you as 'friend', is that a good or bad thing?

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** hm. i guess it depends on the context, but that seems like a step in the right direction to me.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** out of curiousity, why are you asking me this? i feel like claude is a better option for these kind of things.

**spill the fish king: ** I tried him already. He said "you're whipped". I said "I don't know what that means". He said "you've got it bad son". I said "I still don't know what that means". He said "ask edelgard".

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ah. i see.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** well, i'd recommend asking dimitri too, for a third opinion.

**spill the fish king: ** I just might do that.

  
  
  


**[ DM: spill the fish king -> extra cheesy - 3:15 PM ]**

**spill the fish king: ** Hello, Dimitri.

**extra cheesy: ** hello, sir byleth!

**spill the fish king: ** Just Byleth is fine.

**extra cheesy: ** ah, sorry… it helps me differentiate between you and the professor.

**spill the fish king: ** Ah, I see.

**spill the fish king: ** Would you say you're any good at giving advice?

**extra cheesy: ** oh! well, i would sure hope so. what kind of advice do you need?

**spill the fish king: ** Romantic advice, I guess you could call it.

**extra cheesy: ** oh, god. nevermind

**extra cheesy: ** you should probably ask claude. he'll be way more helpful than me, i assure you!

**spill the fish king: ** Got it. Thanks, Dimitri.

  
  
  


**[ DM: spill the fish king -> sexy owo - 3:20 PM ]**

**spill the fish king: ** Claude.

**sexy owo: ** YOUVE GOT IT BAD SON

  
  
  


**[ DM: spill the tea kween -> spill the fish king - 3:34 PM ]**

**spill the tea kween: ** Stop asking my students for 'advice'. You have a mission. Focus on that.

**spill the fish king: ** How did you even know about that?

**spill the tea kween: ** Edelgard mentioned it to me. She seemed very confused.

**spill the fish king: ** Ah, I see.

**spill the fish king:** I guess she's not one of the homies.

**spill the tea kween: ** ...What.

**spill the fish king: ** The homies. Claude said it's a group we're a part of.

**spill the tea kween: ** Stop talking to Claude.

  
  
  


**[ DM: spill the tea kween -> sexy owo - 3:36 PM ]**

**spill the tea kween: ** Stop teaching my brother street talk.

**sexy owo: ** teach youre breaking the rules by messaging me. what do you have to say for yourself

**spill the tea kween: ** For god's sake.

  
  
  


**[ DM: Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe -> sexy owo - 3:42 PM ]**

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** what did you say to sir byleth?

**sexy owo: ** why do you ask??

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** he messaged me saying that i'm 'not one of the homies'. i'm very confused.

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** and a little insulted.

**sexy owo: ** hHAAHDFGNDSHDFGDH

**sexy owo: ** dont worry el u will always be a homie to me

**Please Decapitate Me With Your Axe: ** ...thank you?

  
  
  


**[ DM: extra cheesy -> sexy owo - 3:49 PM ]**

**extra cheesy: ** what is a homie??

**sexy owo: ** sir byleth told u too huh

**extra cheesy: ** no, el did

**sexy owo: ** ahh that makes sense

**sexy owo: ** hey babe ive been meaning to ask

**sexy owo: ** how long have you known edelgard??

**extra cheesy: ** oh. why do you ask?

**sexy owo: ** hmm

**sexy owo: ** just a vibe i get whenever you two are talking i guess???

**extra cheesy: ** sometimes i forget you're inhumanly perceptive…

**extra cheesy: ** can we talk about this in person? i'll explain it to you then

**extra cheesy: ** and you can explain to me what a homie is?

**sexy owo: ** sounds good yo, meet me by the classroom in five minutes??

**extra cheesy: ** of course. see you there!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "the abyss plot will only take up one chapter" or so i thought. i am a fool and a clown
> 
> anyways mind if i just [hands you my yurileth agenda] [hands you my yurileth agenda] [hands you m
> 
> WRITING SIR BYLETH IS GIVING ME SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT this man is such a clown i love him JFDSJGDJSD hope this chapter was alright!! its midnight and i just finished writing it so if NOTHING makes sense blame my sleep schedule. the original plan for this chapter was to follow the plot of the dlc but then i was like "hm what if they talked about rats instead" so as i said. next time we will have the dlc plot. i promise
> 
> anyways as always my twitter is @/springbutbetter !! come say hi!! i draw sometimes but mostly i just do nothing for two months and then retweet like five things before disappearing again
> 
> anyways. aelfric slimy


End file.
